Terrible day (mc pg ment) **updated**

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Joined: 11/30/07
Posts: 117
Terrible day (mc pg ment) **updated**

I went to see my mum this afternoon as she has had a chest infection all week. On the way there I stopped to get her a boquet of flowers to cheer her up. When I pulled up I noticed my sister was there (she is pg, which she announced 2 weeks after my d & c) I had not seen her since my d & c as she did not bother to come visit etc, and I could not face her knowing she was pg and so inconsiderate of my feelings, especially with it being so close to my loss. So anyway I debated just driving home and not going in to spare my feelings, but then decided against this I felt so selfish knowing my mum was ill. I felt sick and shaky going in knowing i would have to face my sister etc. But I took a few deep breathes, put on a happy face and told myself to deal with it. Boy, do I wish I had gone with my gut instinct and drove away!!!

When I got in I noticed my Mum was in tears and I asked what was wrong. Straight off my sister jumped down my throat saying she was upset I had not been to see her (I live 15 miles away, and my 5 year old son has been ill with concussion for a bad bang on the head all this week. She only had a chest infection so figured I would wait till the weekend - I did not complain that no-one had been to visit my poorly 5 year old!!!!) Well I just stood there in complete shock, and then before I knew it I had said 'no-one came to visit me and I had been in hospital to have my baby surgically removed from me, and at least I am here now with flowers!!!!' (also my sister lives 2 streets away from my mum, does not work, and had not been to see her either!!) My sister just started screaming at me telling me to get over my m/c, it was only a ball of cells (I was 9 weeks!!!) She said no-one cares about m/c and it means nothing to anyone. She said I was pathetic for being upset. Wonder if she would feel the same if this happens to her when she goes in for her scan next week! I did not want to upset mum anymore so I just stood up and said I was leaving. She then said to my mum 'dont worry you have got me here you dont need that selfish cow' I practically fell out of the door in shock, and was in floods of tears for hours. I will honestly never forgive any of them for this. My children always come above any of the rest of my family, and this baby was my child, and to sit there and hear my sister discount it dying as nothing, was more than I could take. I pick standing up for my baby, whether it is here in my arms or not, above the rest of my family any day. I will always fight for my children, and I always do, just never thought I would have to fight for my little angel too.

Sorry this was so long, thanks for listening

**

After my sister left my mum's I went back and spoke to my mum and dad about how I felt. They just did not get it at all. They kept saying 'what are you so upset about? you have to move on' I was a tearful mess!! They refused to understand that it was a big deal. I left feeling even worse. I had not made my point at all. My mum did give me a brief hug when I left, but only cause I was so upset, not cause she recognised why. I told them I could not be around my sister for the next few months, they called me silly and unreasonable. My sister and I dont have a good relationship anyway she is incredibly selfish and can be very nasty with what she says. I woke up this morning feeling so dreadful. I dont even feel like taking mothers day gifts to my mum and in-laws but I know I have too. My H booked dinner for us, but its at the restaurant he took me to celebrate my pg!!!! I really dont want to go back there on mothers day when I should still be pg! He is so mad with me cause he wont understand. All his family will be there and it will be the first time I have seen them since d & c, I know they will start bringing my m/c up, and ill get another whole ton of comments such as 'at least you have 2 children', 'oh well, perhaps its not meant to be etc' and ill just have to grin and bear it. I am so not in the right frame of mind for all of this. I just feel broken-hearted and like I have a ten ton weight on me pulling me down. Happy mothers day to me!! Sorry for such a pity party, I know there are a million people worse off than me, and sometimes I feel so guilty for moaning. I am also ovulating for first time since d & c and H and I has decided not to try yet since our rented house is not renewing and we have to be out in 2 months, and as of yet we have no-where else lined up to live (another stress I could do without) but it still makes me sad to know I am o'ing and cant ttc. At the moment, I just cant see any light at the end of my tunnel.

Thanks for all your kind words of support and comfort. I rely on your girls so much right now, cause its my only form of understanding.

HopefullySoon's picture
Joined: 01/31/08
Posts: 163

I am so sorry that your sister is such a jerk. Everything she said is so wrong and just crosses the line. She obviously will never "get it" and will continue to be nasty. Just remember that she is speaking for herself, even if she says everyone thinks this or no one cares...she is just being hateful for whatever reason (not that there is any good excuse), but she can not speak for anyone but herself. I wish I could take your pain away. I'm sorry you have to deal with this from her.

vbear's picture
Joined: 01/22/05
Posts: 83

Oh hun,I am so sorry that your sister is such a jerk.Obviously she has never had anything bad happen to her or she would not say things like that.LIke the PP said,she is NOT speaking for everyone only herself hen she said those inexcusable things to you.You were a better womn then me,if it had been me,mum or not,she would have heard what I thought of her,so cheers to you for being so strong.And hugs to you for having to be that way to begin with.

Joined: 11/19/05
Posts: 456

I am so very sorry that you are having to deal with this as well Sad And I agree with the pp's...Your sister speaks only for herself..

Is your relationship with your sister normally a good one?? How about your mom?? If it is not possible to verbally speak to them about this..What about email??

If your relationship with your sis is a bad one typically...stay away..You certainly do not need her abuse. I am hoping your relationship with your mom is a better one...If so, maybe you could speak with her?

I would not just drop this...Like you said, this was your BABY, not some ball of cells, imo....I really hope she does not ever have to go through the pain of loss...If she does, she will then know the pain that you know...She would have a better understanding then.

:bighug:

Marie

shellyhudson's picture
Joined: 01/13/07
Posts: 814

I am so very sorry that you had to deal with all of that. I am so proud of you for defending that precious baby that is in heaven. Unfortunately we cannot choose who our family is. We can, however, choose not to associate with them.

Can you just mail the presents? That is what I would do. I hope that you find peace soon. I will keep you in my prayers.

Shelly

HopefullySoon's picture
Joined: 01/31/08
Posts: 163

I am so sorry.
I think at this point it is probably just a waste of your energy trying to make them understand.
I know today will be hard for you. Hang in there girl.

Joined: 01/09/08
Posts: 19

Wow - they were dreadful to you! Obviously not what you need as you go through this. I feel awful that you had to endure that.

Remember the saying..'Karma is a b*t*h'

Maybe you should print one of the fabulous messages from this board that explains the feelings we have when dealing with a m/c and mail it to your mom. She will read it on her own time. Maybe, just maybe, she will gain some understanding on what her little girl is going through. If not understanding, then maybe some compassion. Your feelings are real. No one has the right to negate them. Heck, print out this thread and let her know what we think.

Your sister, different story...not worth your time right now. It's time for you and your dh to heal.

{{{HUGS}}}}

Michelleey's picture
Joined: 06/05/06
Posts: 113

OMG, i thought my family was horrible with the comments they were making and the lack of support. I'm so sorry you have to deal with this, i can't believe how insensitive your sister is, and completely wrong. It was not just a ball of cells that you lost...it was your future baby, and that is very real. It was a loss just like any other. I don't understand why people don't get that, but they just don't and i am dealing with that too. All i can say to you is that always know that you have all the support you will ever need here with us. We are always here for you. I don't know what i would have done without you girls.
*hugs* to you....I hope things get better for you hun.

Joined: 09/18/07
Posts: 371

I am so sorry that you aer going through all of this. How did mother's day go? Did you go to the restaurant? How was it?

The pp have given you some great ideas. I recommend looking for Amy's (flutterby4) email to her family and seeing if you can use it as a basis for sending a note to your family.

I am sorry that you are not getting the support that you need from those most precious to you IRL. I hope that we can in part make up for some of that.

Hugs,
Antionette
Lily Maria Kathleen :angel1: August 10, 2007

Joined: 03/16/15
Posts: 53852

O hun I am so sorry to hear all of this, days llike this or even a month like this often feels like it is too much to handle. But believe me you will handle it in the end in your own sweet time.
Your sister crossed the line totally, I wouldnt be spiteful to her, though she deserves it, but because you are better than that. I think a short note or card is in order with a I am sorry, no inside text but your message. I would then tell her that her attitude is despicable and puts whole of uk to shame. And that due to her callousness you are unable to heal and get over it and so to be able to do so and live a normal life again you are just going to stay away. Dont call and dont come until I say it is ok. ... My intuition says she fear loosing her pg and she thinks m/c is catching. You wouldnt believe the things people think.
Ok now to the other problem. Now this is a bit harder since marriage and DH is involved. He has probably been taught to manup all his life (my exH was from India and that even seeped into his culture too) Deep down he is greiving just as much as you are, but he cant show it as that is a sign of weakness. ANd if his family is also the same attitude then he is lost. I would tell DH that you know he is feeling the loss to, but he needs to understand that some of this is a hormonal thing (it doesnt hurt to white lie a bit) and that takes time to get out of the system and you just have no control over that. It takes as long as you were pg for it to get back to normal to twice as long. I know we are on the border of really fibbing here but we have to crack his shell and get his support to help you deal with his family. Eventhough some of this concerns more emotional balance, I believe that emotions and body interact as a whole, so maybe we arent fibbing at all, but mainstream medicine doesnt always see what we holistic minded see.
PM me if you want.

loveya