three months today, still stuck
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  1. #1
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    Default three months today, still stuck

    I'm new here, and wish I had never found my way here.
    Stuck about sums it up.Three months ago today I had to terminate my pregnancy of seven weeks, my baby had implated 4mm outside of my fallopian tube and my obgyn gave me a 30% chance to carry to term, and 20% chance that I would burst my tube and bleed to death. Kinda crappy odds. As much as I hated to give up on my baby, I didn't want to bleed to death either. This wasn't a planned pregnancy and it scared me, I'm in no position to have a child, I'm a medical student. We push ourselves, get no sleep, forget to eat, and are under a mountain of stress. But I would have changed that for my baby, I would have tried. But it wasn't to be. Now the father and I have broken up and he is not speaking to me at all. He doesn't acknowledge my existance. No support coming from there. And my friends tell me that it's been three months, I should be over this. Is three months a long time? And if it is, how to I move on? I function, I go to school, I can even put on an "I'm okay" face and pretend. But inside I still feel empty. And I'm stuck, I don't know how to move. Help?

  2. #2
    Supporter cdokter's Avatar
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    I'm sorry for what you had to go through and what you are still going through. I'm also sorry I can't help. It's been almost two months and I'm in the same boat. Last time I lost a baby it took me a year to feel normal. This time, other people are noticing my "mental state" as they call it. I try the "I"m okay face" too. Sometimes I'm so good at the face, I get a little bit of happiness out of faking. Your normal. Take confort in that.

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    Hugs hon. I am sorry for your loss. Anyone that tells you to move on has most likely never been through it. I think it took me at least 6mo this last time to feel a little less empty. I don't think I'll ever be "over it".

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    Posting Addict sunnycrest's Avatar
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    I am sorry. I don't think there is any sudden time when you are suddenly better. Everyone is different. We are all here to listen.


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    Prolific Poster sunny_gal's Avatar
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    I'm sorry for your loss. I wish I could say that you'll totally be over it soon... but like a PP said, you probably will never be over it. I personally don't think three months is too long to grieve your loss, so don't feel bad about feeling bad (if that even makes sense). If your sadness becomes depression, please seek help. But don't let anyone give you a timeline to grieve. Feel free to PM me any time; we're all here for you.

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    Thank you, all. Sadness has not turned to depression, I don't think. Some days are harder than others, some I can't really think of a good reason to get up in the morning and go through my day. But some days I can laugh and smile and not feel quite so horrible.
    I know that most of you ladies miscarried naturally or your little ones died in utero. Mine didn't, and a part of me feels like I killed my baby. The odds were against me, but sometimes it feels like I chose my life over my baby's. I know that is fairly stupid, had I burst my tube and bled to death then both of us would be dead, not me dead and the baby alive. My little one had a heartbeat when I had to terminate and I heard it. Before the father stopped speaking to me, when I asked him if he was affected by this at all, he told me no because "it" wasn't a person yet. I think that is probably the most horrible thing anyone has ever said to me. Am I making too much of this? And I know the gender of the baby, she was a girl. I asked for a genetic analysis to be done and since I work in a genetics lab at school, I got the results back faster than normal.

  7. #7
    missy8632
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    I;m sorry. To me "it" is a baby as soon as you see that second red line on the test.
    Men do not always get it. Hang in there.

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    Yup, I am with Missy, it a baby as soon as you find out you are expecting.. and yes, I think the decision you had to make makes it harder. Of course you had to choose to live though hon, please do not feel guilty. The odds were against you and your sweet angel, and she holds no ill will toward you. Hugs and prayers.

  9. #9
    Online Community Director MissyJ's Avatar
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    (((HUGS)))) I'm so sorry that you had the need to join us... but grateful that you did.

    First off - your former partner does NOT understand or perhaps finds it easier to just remain in denial. Know that while hurtful, his words are not something you must accept as your reality. YOUR reality includes grieving the loss of your child. While it was unexpected does not make your little one anything less.

    I'm sorry you are dealing with the additional struggle of termination. (((((HUGS))))) While your situation is somewhat different, you may actually find some solace through organizations that help with healing after termination. Please let me know privately if you would like to have some help in connecting with those.

    Another idea - while you are functioning... you recognize that is not the "place" you want to be. You found out that your little one was a daughter. Have you named her yet? While some prefer not to, others find it does help them to be able to remember their child by name. There are even places that you can "enroll" the name in a "Book of Life" or where you could buy a memorial stone/plaque with her name.

    Other ideas - do continue to talk and perhaps journal your feelings. We have some that have created a blog on here (some public; others private) to do so. Participation here with others that *get it* was a tremendous part of my own healing journey.

    Since you are entering into summer, another way you may channel your grief can be through finding something outdoors to take part in. Being outside.. feeling the sun & air.. watching things grow... maybe planting a small garden plot and tending (or if you can't - volunteering to help when you can at a local garden) can be a catalyst for you. I know as a med student your time is quite limited - but remember to steal those little moments when you can.

    The bottom line is that there is no magical time frame when everything is suddenly "over". As others have indicated, every pregnancy loss is grieved differently with no right and wrongs. Becoming a parent and then experiencing the suffering of a loss of your child is life altering. Give yourself permission to work through this at YOUR pace. Keep talking and yes, watch to insure you are moving forward overall (there may be days when you feel like you've taken steps back) and if you do feel that you need someone to talk to professionally - know that is not just *ok* to do -- but simply view as another tool you are using to heal.

    Take care,

    ~Missy

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    I did name her, after my grandmother. I'm half Korean, as near as her name can be written in roman characters, her name is Byung-soon, which translates to something like "purity of spirit". I loved my grandmother dearly, and she passed away about a year ago.
    I've thought about planting a patio garden, something that could stay boxed. I was thinking it would be nice to have the flowers of the months of when I had the DNC and from my EDD. Violets and asters/morning glories. I'm good at growing things, something I find a little ironic right now.
    Another thing (as if I need another) that I am struggling with is that I still have my baby's ashes. A very small box of them. I'm really not sure what to do with them. While I would very much like to give her Korean rites, I cannot do that without her father there. Patriarichal society, and a VERY traditional one. I did ask him to do this with me, he never gave the courtesy of a response. I am not a religious person, by nature and by training I am a scientist. But some traditions I hold dear, things taught to me by my grandmother from when I was little. If you don't mind sharing, what did you do with your baby's remains?

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