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Thread: three months today, still stuck

  1. #21
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    Logically I know it's not my fault. That I really had nothing to do with where the embryo implanted, and that was the biggest problem with the pregnancy. I was on birth control at the time, the Mirena IUD, and that failed (it partially dislodged and ended up most of the way down my cervix, I never knew), which means I had very little in the way of endometrial lining which was also a problem. But I had no control over the implantation, and there was nothing I could have done that would have made a difference. Logically, I know that. I'm still pissed, I still feel betrayed by my own body (again, sounds kinda weird). I never gave my body consent to get pregnant, and when it did, I never gave my consent for the pregnancy not to be viable and destroy a fallopian tube in the process. Stupid body, bad body. So mostly I'm not angry at me, I'm angry with my body. If that makes any sense.

  2. #22
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    Logically I know it's not my fault. That I really had nothing to do with where the embryo implanted, and that was the biggest problem with the pregnancy. I was on birth control at the time, the Mirena IUD, and that failed (it partially dislodged and ended up most of the way down my cervix, I never knew), which means I had very little in the way of endometrial lining which was also a problem. But I had no control over the implantation, and there was nothing I could have done that would have made a difference. Logically, I know that. I'm still pissed, I still feel betrayed by my own body (again, sounds kinda weird). I never gave my body consent to get pregnant, and when it did, I never gave my consent for the pregnancy not to be viable and destroy a fallopian tube in the process. Stupid body, bad body. So mostly I'm not angry at me, I'm angry with my body. If that makes any sense.

  3. #23
    missy8632
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    What is logical and what we feel in our hearts are two different things at times. Be knid to yourself.

  4. #24
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    It makes perfect sense to me. I totally get that. As weird as it sounds.

  5. #25
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    I'm okay. Mostly okay, and a different okay than my pre-loss okay. I don't think I can ever be that person again, that person simply doesn't exist anymore. And I don't think she should. I try and be kind to myself, I try and find things that make me happy. Making bracelets and bringing some small happiness to other women. Playing with my cats, going to the local arboretum. Although that is kinda spoiled because my ex and I always went there.
    One thing with being in the medical proffesion, and I think especially as a student, is that we learn how to detach and how to compartmentalize. We have to, otherwise we'd go insane. To be honest, most of us are completely terrified most of the time. So I've learned how to set my feelings aside and simply do what has to get done, get through my day. And then I come here and vent, let off the anger and hurt and sorrow that I've been shoving aside all day. Which probably makes it seem like I'm less okay than I am. But I am mostly okay, or at least figuring out what my new "okay" is. The wound is still gaping open, but it's stopped bleeding. Maybe just oozing now.

  6. #26
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    Yes, I think compartmentalizing helps keep the sanity. I know I have done it, time and time again. You have to distance yourself as much as you can sometimes, but then something reminds you and it comes back to bit you. I'm glad you have a few things to help, you are such a sweetheart making healing bracelets for others and animals are great to love and snuggle on when you are sad (I had a cat that would lick my tears when I cried--miss her).

    And you are completely right about figuring out you new okay... its a process. You will not ever be the same person, but I hope I have become a better person, a more compassionate empathetic woman than I knew to be before.

  7. #27
    Posting Addict SparkleMomma's Avatar
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    Oh Mohee, I am not sure how I didn't see your post sooner. I am so sorry for your loss. We have a doc here that has had a loss and working in OBGYN it amazes me to watch her.

    My loss with the twins was Heterotopic {tubal and uterine} and it was so hard thinking "why can't you just move the baby just a little bit..." Obviously I *knew* that couldn't happen, but it really would be nice if our technology could develop this

    In any case, I am so glad that you are here with us on PO & I look forward to hearing more from you.



    Diane

  8. #28
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    I'm really glad that this year and the next are research years for me. I'm in an MD/PhD program, so I don't have to deal with patients for a while, so no obgyn/nicu rotation for at least a year and a summer. I don't think I could deal with that, I have no idea how the obgyn that you know does. I have enough trouble just seeing pregnant women.
    My former obgyn was a close friend of mine, she just finished her residency and is taking a year off before her fellowship in maternal and fetal medicine because....she's pregnant. About a week ahead of where I would be. The very selfish unkind part of me hates her right now. Going in for all the check-ups post d&c (there were some problems, so lots of visits) was torture, seeing her belly start to swell. I should have just asked to be seen by someone else but I didn't want to hurt her. Plus having someone I don't know poking around down there has always kinda weirded me out. Fortunatly for me, she just finished her residency and moved to Washington, so I do have someone else now. But I feel we left on hard terms, she's an intelligent woman and I'm pretty sure she knew how I felt, that part of me hated her and was insanely jealous. I just don't have it in me right now to talk to her. I know that if I had to face an obgyn or nicu clinical right now I would break. Good for the obgyn that you know, she must be an incredibly strong woman.
    I too wish that somehow they could have just moved the baby a little. Four more mm outside my tube and she would have been in the safe zone. Seems like such a tiny distance to make all the difference....

  9. #29
    missy8632
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    I hated seeing pregnant women. It seems they were everywhere you turned.
    Hugs!

  10. #30
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    I have a theory that pregnant women are stalking me. Or that I simply notice more than I usually do. And the whole being on a hospital campus thing.
    My obgyn didn't actually tell me that she was pregnant until I noticed. Which was at a check-up about a week after my d&c. When I asked, she told me she hadn't wanted to hurt me. She's a good friend, I wish I could bear to talk to her right now. But there is a part of me that really doesn't want to. I think I'm going to finish the baby blanket I started to knit for mine and send it to her. I hate to leave a project unfinished and by the time I finish it, maybe I'll be ready to talk to her.

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