three months today, still stuck

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Joined: 05/12/09
Posts: 86
three months today, still stuck

I'm new here, and wish I had never found my way here.
Stuck about sums it up.Three months ago today I had to terminate my pregnancy of seven weeks, my baby had implated 4mm outside of my fallopian tube and my obgyn gave me a 30% chance to carry to term, and 20% chance that I would burst my tube and bleed to death. Kinda crappy odds. As much as I hated to give up on my baby, I didn't want to bleed to death either. This wasn't a planned pregnancy and it scared me, I'm in no position to have a child, I'm a medical student. We push ourselves, get no sleep, forget to eat, and are under a mountain of stress. But I would have changed that for my baby, I would have tried. But it wasn't to be. Now the father and I have broken up and he is not speaking to me at all. He doesn't acknowledge my existance. No support coming from there. And my friends tell me that it's been three months, I should be over this. Is three months a long time? And if it is, how to I move on? I function, I go to school, I can even put on an "I'm okay" face and pretend. But inside I still feel empty. And I'm stuck, I don't know how to move. Help?

cdokter's picture
Joined: 02/18/08
Posts: 126

I'm sorry for what you had to go through and what you are still going through. I'm also sorry I can't help. It's been almost two months and I'm in the same boat. Last time I lost a baby it took me a year to feel normal. This time, other people are noticing my "mental state" as they call it. I try the "I"m okay face" too. Sometimes I'm so good at the face, I get a little bit of happiness out of faking. Your normal. Take confort in that.

Joined: 01/25/02
Posts: 2023

Hugs hon. I am sorry for your loss. Anyone that tells you to move on has most likely never been through it. I think it took me at least 6mo this last time to feel a little less empty. I don't think I'll ever be "over it".

sunnycrest's picture
Joined: 11/13/05
Posts: 57

I am sorry. I don't think there is any sudden time when you are suddenly better. Everyone is different. We are all here to listen.

:bighug:

sunny_gal's picture
Joined: 06/04/07
Posts: 494

I'm sorry for your loss. I wish I could say that you'll totally be over it soon... but like a PP said, you probably will never be over it. I personally don't think three months is too long to grieve your loss, so don't feel bad about feeling bad (if that even makes sense). If your sadness becomes depression, please seek help. But don't let anyone give you a timeline to grieve. Feel free to PM me any time; we're all here for you.

Joined: 05/12/09
Posts: 86

Thank you, all. Sadness has not turned to depression, I don't think. Some days are harder than others, some I can't really think of a good reason to get up in the morning and go through my day. But some days I can laugh and smile and not feel quite so horrible.
I know that most of you ladies miscarried naturally or your little ones died in utero. Mine didn't, and a part of me feels like I killed my baby. The odds were against me, but sometimes it feels like I chose my life over my baby's. I know that is fairly stupid, had I burst my tube and bled to death then both of us would be dead, not me dead and the baby alive. My little one had a heartbeat when I had to terminate and I heard it. Before the father stopped speaking to me, when I asked him if he was affected by this at all, he told me no because "it" wasn't a person yet. I think that is probably the most horrible thing anyone has ever said to me. Am I making too much of this? And I know the gender of the baby, she was a girl. I asked for a genetic analysis to be done and since I work in a genetics lab at school, I got the results back faster than normal.

Joined: 03/16/15
Posts: 53852

I;m sorry. To me "it" is a baby as soon as you see that second red line on the test.
Men do not always get it. Hang in there.

Joined: 01/25/02
Posts: 2023

Yup, I am with Missy, it a baby as soon as you find out you are expecting.. and yes, I think the decision you had to make makes it harder. Of course you had to choose to live though hon, please do not feel guilty. The odds were against you and your sweet angel, and she holds no ill will toward you. Hugs and prayers.

MissyJ's picture
Joined: 01/31/02
Posts: 3228

(((HUGS)))) I'm so sorry that you had the need to join us... but grateful that you did.

First off - your former partner does NOT understand or perhaps finds it easier to just remain in denial. Know that while hurtful, his words are not something you must accept as your reality. YOUR reality includes grieving the loss of your child. While it was unexpected does not make your little one anything less.

I'm sorry you are dealing with the additional struggle of termination. (((((HUGS))))) While your situation is somewhat different, you may actually find some solace through organizations that help with healing after termination. Please let me know privately if you would like to have some help in connecting with those.

Another idea - while you are functioning... you recognize that is not the "place" you want to be. You found out that your little one was a daughter. Have you named her yet? While some prefer not to, others find it does help them to be able to remember their child by name. There are even places that you can "enroll" the name in a "Book of Life" or where you could buy a memorial stone/plaque with her name.

Other ideas - do continue to talk and perhaps journal your feelings. We have some that have created a blog on here (some public; others private) to do so. Participation here with others that *get it* was a tremendous part of my own healing journey.

Since you are entering into summer, another way you may channel your grief can be through finding something outdoors to take part in. Being outside.. feeling the sun & air.. watching things grow... maybe planting a small garden plot and tending (or if you can't - volunteering to help when you can at a local garden) can be a catalyst for you. I know as a med student your time is quite limited - but remember to steal those little moments when you can.

The bottom line is that there is no magical time frame when everything is suddenly "over". As others have indicated, every pregnancy loss is grieved differently with no right and wrongs. Becoming a parent and then experiencing the suffering of a loss of your child is life altering. Give yourself permission to work through this at YOUR pace. Keep talking and yes, watch to insure you are moving forward overall (there may be days when you feel like you've taken steps back) and if you do feel that you need someone to talk to professionally - know that is not just Ok to do -- but simply view as another tool you are using to heal.

Take care,

~Missy

Joined: 05/12/09
Posts: 86

I did name her, after my grandmother. I'm half Korean, as near as her name can be written in roman characters, her name is Byung-soon, which translates to something like "purity of spirit". I loved my grandmother dearly, and she passed away about a year ago.
I've thought about planting a patio garden, something that could stay boxed. I was thinking it would be nice to have the flowers of the months of when I had the DNC and from my EDD. Violets and asters/morning glories. I'm good at growing things, something I find a little ironic right now.
Another thing (as if I need another) that I am struggling with is that I still have my baby's ashes. A very small box of them. I'm really not sure what to do with them. While I would very much like to give her Korean rites, I cannot do that without her father there. Patriarichal society, and a VERY traditional one. I did ask him to do this with me, he never gave the courtesy of a response. I am not a religious person, by nature and by training I am a scientist. But some traditions I hold dear, things taught to me by my grandmother from when I was little. If you don't mind sharing, what did you do with your baby's remains?

Joined: 03/16/15
Posts: 53852

What a beautiful name.
I have bought some really nice angel figures off of e-bay for the garden. There is one of a baby sleeping in the wing of angels that I really like.

Joined: 01/25/02
Posts: 2023

A beautiful name indeed! I did not ask for any remains, I am not sure what I would do with them. Hugs hon!

also... I love the idea of a growing box. My husbands coworkers gave me a nice greenery basket after my last d&c, and I love to look at it, and see how well it has grown in the last year.

min150mph's picture
Joined: 09/08/07
Posts: 72

I'm so very sorry for your loss. I'm still not over mine that happened in '07 as there are still days that I think about him. I do say it does get better with time, but there are always things that triggers a reminder for me.

Lots of hugs to you as I can imagine it is even harder on you since you feel like you had a choice, which from what you said it doesn't sound like you really did odds wise.

As for burial - I had to have a D&C and the hospital is of chatolic affiliation so they provided burial with other babies at a cemetary in the town where the hospital is located.

shellyhudson's picture
Joined: 01/13/07
Posts: 814

I am so very sorry for your loss. Three months is not a long time at all. It has been nearly two years since my loss (full term s/b) and I have my moments where I break down and just want to hide under my covers.

A loss of a pregnancy, no matter what length of time you were pregnant, is a devastation. There are so many hopes and dreams that are lost along with the mind numbing feeling that you have failed your child in the most primitive of ways. I still have days where I wonder what is wrong with me? How could I fail my son so horribly? I mean, as a woman, I am built first of all to procreate and I have failed at this most basic of human actions.

Time is the only thing that will help. Eventually you will have more decent days then bad days. At some point you will even be able to smile and actually mean it. However, when you first realize that you have done so, please don't be surprised if the grief comes crashing back down on you.

In my personal experience, grief comes in waves, ebbing and flowing in its own time in its own way. Eventually you will adapt to a new "normal". However, you will never be the woman that you were before your loss as your world will never be the same.

please come to this board and vent, cry, whatever you may need. The support here is phenomenal.

PG Mentioned.

I have stayed away from this board as it breaks my heart to hear of new losses as I am now in my third trimester. I just wanted to let you know that there is hope. It can happen. Hugs to you my dear.

Shelly

Joined: 05/12/09
Posts: 86

Thats actually exactly what it feels like, a failure, like my body betrayed me. I've always been incredibly healthy (I run marathons), how could my body fail in something so natural, something it was designed to do? I know the medicine of it, there is really no way that I couldn't. But my healthy, young, problem-free body couldn't do this and betrayed me, as weird as that sounds (or maybe not, to anyone who has gone through it).
There isn't a day or an hour yet that goes by that I don't think of my baby. I can go through my day and even smile and laugh at jokes and be in a reasonably good mood, but she's always there. And I share a couple of classes with the father, which in a way makes it worse. As much as I would dearly love to throw a yelling, screaming fit at him and tell him that the baby was his too, that he should be hurt, be grieving, I know that would do little good. Might be vaugely amusing though. So I come here to share my grief, which is amazing. The women here are all astounding women, who have gone through the hurt and picked themselves up and are moving forwards as best as they can figure out while supporting others. That forces me to go forwards as well.

cdokter's picture
Joined: 02/18/08
Posts: 126

This is exactly how I feel. I KNOW it's not my fault that I lost my baby. I don't smoke, drink, do drugs and I cut cafine three weeks before trying. I eat healthy and I'm in shape. And yet, I was unable to stay pregnant. it's not my fault. it's my body's fault. My husband says I feel guilty and that I shouldn't but I don't feel guilty at all. I feel angry. I feel betrayed. My body seems incapable of doing that which it was created to do. I'm not incapable at all. I'd be a good mom. My hubby would be a great Dad. Sometimes I feel like he's being punished too by my body. I mean, he can't have kids either and it's even less his fault. I guess that's where he gets the guilt from but like I said, I don't feel guilty at all. Just very, very angry. For both of us.

Holly_Anne618's picture
Joined: 04/03/07
Posts: 1271

I'm so sorry for what you are going through :bigarmhug: It's been nearly 2 months for me and I'm still very angry. All I do is think about where I should be right now and I just want to break down and cry. Know that you're not alone...we're all here for you hun. Take as long as you need to to grieve for your baby.

Joined: 03/16/15
Posts: 53852

Honey, your body did not fail you. Nothing you did or did not do caused this to happen. Be gentle with yourself and do not lay blame where it is not deserved.

Joined: 01/25/02
Posts: 2023

I've felt that failure stuff before, and it is hard not to. Hugs!

KatieWantsABaby's picture
Joined: 06/19/07
Posts: 229

(CHILD MENT)
After my first loss in '07 I went into basic hermitage for a few weeks. I didn't talk to anyone, including my Dh for roughly a month. When my next period came I felt a little less down, because I was that much closer to trying again. We named the baby, and planned on getting a memorial tattoo. A week before our tattoo appointment, I got an unexpected BFP. That baby was born a year ago yesterday. As much as I love my son, I do still think about that baby. We have had 2 more losses, one in Dec '08 and one this past april. I ended up with a salpingectomy after the loss in april, and although we've been cleared to TTC, I still feel anger and pain for my loss. In July it'll be 2 years since my first loss, and it still hurts just as bad as it did then.
I have felt like a failure more than once, especially with the 2 more recent losses. It's one of those things though... I just don't think the pain ever really goes away.

Joined: 05/12/09
Posts: 86

Logically I know it's not my fault. That I really had nothing to do with where the embryo implanted, and that was the biggest problem with the pregnancy. I was on birth control at the time, the Mirena IUD, and that failed (it partially dislodged and ended up most of the way down my cervix, I never knew), which means I had very little in the way of endometrial lining which was also a problem. But I had no control over the implantation, and there was nothing I could have done that would have made a difference. Logically, I know that. I'm still pissed, I still feel betrayed by my own body (again, sounds kinda weird). I never gave my body consent to get pregnant, and when it did, I never gave my consent for the pregnancy not to be viable and destroy a fallopian tube in the process. Stupid body, bad body. So mostly I'm not angry at me, I'm angry with my body. If that makes any sense.

Joined: 05/12/09
Posts: 86

Logically I know it's not my fault. That I really had nothing to do with where the embryo implanted, and that was the biggest problem with the pregnancy. I was on birth control at the time, the Mirena IUD, and that failed (it partially dislodged and ended up most of the way down my cervix, I never knew), which means I had very little in the way of endometrial lining which was also a problem. But I had no control over the implantation, and there was nothing I could have done that would have made a difference. Logically, I know that. I'm still pissed, I still feel betrayed by my own body (again, sounds kinda weird). I never gave my body consent to get pregnant, and when it did, I never gave my consent for the pregnancy not to be viable and destroy a fallopian tube in the process. Stupid body, bad body. So mostly I'm not angry at me, I'm angry with my body. If that makes any sense.

Joined: 03/16/15
Posts: 53852

What is logical and what we feel in our hearts are two different things at times. Be knid to yourself.

cdokter's picture
Joined: 02/18/08
Posts: 126

It makes perfect sense to me. I totally get that. As weird as it sounds.

Joined: 05/12/09
Posts: 86

I'm okay. Mostly okay, and a different okay than my pre-loss okay. I don't think I can ever be that person again, that person simply doesn't exist anymore. And I don't think she should. I try and be kind to myself, I try and find things that make me happy. Making bracelets and bringing some small happiness to other women. Playing with my cats, going to the local arboretum. Although that is kinda spoiled because my ex and I always went there.
One thing with being in the medical proffesion, and I think especially as a student, is that we learn how to detach and how to compartmentalize. We have to, otherwise we'd go insane. To be honest, most of us are completely terrified most of the time. So I've learned how to set my feelings aside and simply do what has to get done, get through my day. And then I come here and vent, let off the anger and hurt and sorrow that I've been shoving aside all day. Which probably makes it seem like I'm less okay than I am. But I am mostly okay, or at least figuring out what my new "okay" is. The wound is still gaping open, but it's stopped bleeding. Maybe just oozing now.

Joined: 01/25/02
Posts: 2023

Yes, I think compartmentalizing helps keep the sanity. I know I have done it, time and time again. You have to distance yourself as much as you can sometimes, but then something reminds you and it comes back to bit you. I'm glad you have a few things to help, you are such a sweetheart making healing bracelets for others and animals are great to love and snuggle on when you are sad (I had a cat that would lick my tears when I cried--miss her).

And you are completely right about figuring out you new okay... its a process. You will not ever be the same person, but I hope I have become a better person, a more compassionate empathetic woman than I knew to be before.

SparkleMomma's picture
Joined: 04/24/02
Posts: 648

Oh Mohee, I am not sure how I didn't see your post sooner. I am so sorry for your loss. We have a doc here that has had a loss and working in OBGYN it amazes me to watch her.

My loss with the twins was Heterotopic {tubal and uterine} and it was so hard thinking "why can't you just move the baby just a little bit..." Obviously I *knew* that couldn't happen, but it really would be nice if our technology could develop this Biggrin

In any case, I am so glad that you are here with us on PO & I look forward to hearing more from you.

:bigarmhug:

Diane

Joined: 05/12/09
Posts: 86

I'm really glad that this year and the next are research years for me. I'm in an MD/PhD program, so I don't have to deal with patients for a while, so no obgyn/nicu rotation for at least a year and a summer. I don't think I could deal with that, I have no idea how the obgyn that you know does. I have enough trouble just seeing pregnant women.
My former obgyn was a close friend of mine, she just finished her residency and is taking a year off before her fellowship in maternal and fetal medicine because....she's pregnant. About a week ahead of where I would be. The very selfish unkind part of me hates her right now. Going in for all the check-ups post d&c (there were some problems, so lots of visits) was torture, seeing her belly start to swell. I should have just asked to be seen by someone else but I didn't want to hurt her. Plus having someone I don't know poking around down there has always kinda weirded me out. Fortunatly for me, she just finished her residency and moved to Washington, so I do have someone else now. But I feel we left on hard terms, she's an intelligent woman and I'm pretty sure she knew how I felt, that part of me hated her and was insanely jealous. I just don't have it in me right now to talk to her. I know that if I had to face an obgyn or nicu clinical right now I would break. Good for the obgyn that you know, she must be an incredibly strong woman.
I too wish that somehow they could have just moved the baby a little. Four more mm outside my tube and she would have been in the safe zone. Seems like such a tiny distance to make all the difference....

Joined: 03/16/15
Posts: 53852

I hated seeing pregnant women. It seems they were everywhere you turned.
Hugs!

Joined: 05/12/09
Posts: 86

I have a theory that pregnant women are stalking me. Or that I simply notice more than I usually do. And the whole being on a hospital campus thing.
My obgyn didn't actually tell me that she was pregnant until I noticed. Which was at a check-up about a week after my d&c. When I asked, she told me she hadn't wanted to hurt me. She's a good friend, I wish I could bear to talk to her right now. But there is a part of me that really doesn't want to. I think I'm going to finish the baby blanket I started to knit for mine and send it to her. I hate to leave a project unfinished and by the time I finish it, maybe I'll be ready to talk to her.

SparkleMomma's picture
Joined: 04/24/02
Posts: 648

:bighug: I know the "hate" feeling all too well also. :sad11: I do still haven moments of resent, and it is hard feeling that way, because it is so against my person that it feels as though it is not relly me, if that makes sense.

Diane

Joined: 01/25/02
Posts: 2023

Hugs, I've had the hate feeling going on myself, and then I feel guilty for that. As to the blanket, that would be a very nice thing to do, if you are up to it. For me, it might make me more depressed each time I worked on it. But if your friend is such a good friend, she will realize the effort involved in making the blanket and really cherish it. I think she gets that you are not ready. Hugs!

Joined: 05/12/09
Posts: 86

I have the start of the blanket shoved in my closet, so I haven't really looked at it. But it is lurking there and taking up a pair of knitting needles that I like and I can't bring myself to unravel it. I make things, I can't sit still and do nothing with my hands. Jewelry, knitting, origami, all products of hours of sitting and studying. I think I will finish the blanket though, I hate not finishing things and I can't have it lurking in my closet anymore, it's driving me slightly batty.
I'm sure my friend knows why I haven't really talked to her and realizes how it hurts me right now. But I am equally aware that my not talking to her is hurting her. I think by nature I am a very giving person as well as a very logical one, and jealousy that is illogical is very much against my nature. I still feel it. At the same time I'm very sorry that I'm hurting her.

Joined: 03/16/15
Posts: 53852

Give it time, your creative spirit will come out. {hugs}