Today has been tough...(children ment)(vent)

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Holly_Anne618's picture
Last seen: 3 years 4 months ago
Joined: 04/03/07
Posts: 1271
Today has been tough...(children ment)(vent)

I've experienced such a wide range of emotions today....I'm exhausted from them all. I decided to take my girls to an Easter egg hunt to help keep my mind off of things. I got home and discovered that my DH went golfing instead of doing the things around the house that he said he would do for me (pay bills, finish a paiting project, etc). When he got home he didn't understand why I was frustrated and started to insult me and called me several names that really hurt (b**ch, a**hole, etc). Needless to say, I lost it....I was in tears. After everything I've gone through the past couple of days, I don't think he had the right to call me those names. He hasn't even acknowledged that our baby died. In fact, he didn't even go with me yesterday for my S&C....he "couldn't get time off." It's like it's no big deal for him. I don't get it.

I was fine for a while, and then I lost it again over nothing. I was just sitting on the couch and started bawling. I hate feeling like this. I'm sad, I'm bitter, I'm angry, and then at times I'm happy. It's so hard...

Last seen: 1 year 7 months ago
Joined: 03/16/15
Posts: 53852

Hugs to you... it's such a difficult time with a huge range of emotions! My m/c was a year ago and lately, probably because of the anniversary, I'm having a really hard time with it. I find myself just out for a walk with the dogs, then I start bawling for no apparent reason, it comes out of nowhere. Even though my ex and I split up after the m/c I don't even care if he was around now, I just want my baby. I could have had the baby and been fine without him... Sad

Anyways, he went through it wayyyy differently than I did, that was part of the reason we split. He would not talk about ANYTHING at the best of times, and I needed someone to help me through this but he did nothing. Then there was the matter of the baby's remains, which I had to deal with b/c he was useless to help out and just let me deal with everything. I had to call around, make arrangements, bug HIM about what to do with the baby, etc. I hated him for leaving it all up to me. I was a freakin' mess, and sunk into a pretty low depression.

Anyways, your hubby had no right to call you those names. But at the same time, he's probably totally dealing with it internally and maybe those names came out as part of him dealing with it, or being unable to keep it in. Can you sit down with him and talk about things? Maybe just getting it out in the open will help. No doubt he's really hurting and men just prefer to supress everything. Drives me nuts!!!!

Last seen: 1 year 7 months ago
Joined: 03/16/15
Posts: 53852

Hugs to both of you. Be kind to yourself, there is a wide range of emotions we feel after a loss. This can be worse right after a loss as your hormones return to normal.
Kudos for keeping busy, but do allow yourself time to grieve.
Men grieve in different ways, but no one should have to put up with being called those names. Have you say down and asked him how he is feeling?
Just remember it is ok to cry and be angry, it is all part of the process of healing.

Last seen: 2 years 9 months ago
Joined: 01/25/02
Posts: 2023

I agree that it was not okay for him to call you those names. Sad But as cabindweller said, he may be internalizing a lot of his feelings (still doesn't make it okay of course). Hugs. I'm sorry. I was an emotional wreck for a good month after (almost constantly) and sporadically since. It sucks. Peaks and Valleys. Hugs and please vent anytime.

MissyJ's picture
Last seen: 4 months 9 hours ago
Joined: 01/31/02
Posts: 3289

Sad I'm so very sorry that he treated you that way. Most definitely I agree with everyone here that the name calling was uncalled for.

I can attest that men do grieve differently. This was something really hard for me to process and trust that it made me not just sad -- but downright angry. In an attempt to try and explain *his* feelings, we actually ended up writing an article on it for the site. Blum 3 According to him, it wasn't that he doesn't *care* but he felt that *he* had failed in one of the most basic roles of "father/husband" = protector. He wasn't able to "protect" either our babies or me in this regard. As a *fixer*, loss was something out of his control completely -- a place that he most DEFINITELY did not like! Working through this article together honestly was a huge bit of healing -- for us both as individuals and as a couple as we reached a far greater understanding.

I can tell you that my husband *still* does not process loss well and seldom will discuss any of them. If we had to go through it again, honestly, I know that it would be a struggle for him to be any more actively involved than he was in the past -- particularly in handling arrangements / dealing with the physical aspects involved. (He does help with memorials more as that is something that he can *do* to help our family at a time when everything else has spiraled out of reach.) I'm the one in our family / neighborhood that deals with death (from pg loss - those from natural causes/old age) and according to him I'm "stronger" in that regard. I think at least now he does "get" that it isn't something that is easy for me and that in itself is progress. Blum 3

I really do hope that you are able to find a way to talk with your dh (at a time when you both aren't angry.) Actually, I think I may have written my husband letters or shared a journal of my feelings from a notebook. I asked direct questions (those that couldn't be answered with a yes/no) about HIS feelings - some which in hindsight I do realize that HE had difficulty putting into words. In our initial attempts, he stumbled and came across as uncaring / callous.

Here's the article if you are interested in what we came up with. Wink

Understanding a Spouse's / Partner's Grief in Pregnancy Loss

When you do talk with your husband, one thing that I would recommend including in the conversation is setting some boundaries. This isn't just about dealing with the loss itself but more with your relationship in general. FTR, the "boundaries" that you two set should not be one-sided but for both of you. For example, you both could agree on no name calling or other physical/emotional abuse period. It is fine to be upset and even angry at times with one another but navigate to a way that you can agree to deal with those emotions in a far better way. You may agree that when either of you make a commitment to do something that is needed (house, bills, taking care of kids' activities) that you do your best to follow through.) At the same time, you can also agree to give BOTH of you some "time off" (for golfing for him for example and something for YOU as well that you enjoy.)

(((((((HUGS)))))))) Hoping today is a better day!


sunny_gal's picture
Last seen: 3 years 10 months ago
Joined: 06/04/07
Posts: 494

Wow, the PP were very insightful and I don't have much more to add. I just wanted to say that I'm sorry you are having a hard time and I wanted to offer you a :bigarmhug: