Today I am angry

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HopefullySoon's picture
Joined: 01/31/08
Posts: 163
Today I am angry

I am so mad!!!! I know the first thing you are wondering is, well who is she mad at.
I am so angry that God took my baby girl away. IT is so F'ED up. I was just going through my "memory box" and looking at the only things I have left from the hospital, Zara's hand prints, her blanket, the few pics, etc, and I all of the sudden got so angry, I swear I was seeing red. I am so mad at God. There, I said it. I think he is a SOB. I don't care if I go straight to hell for saying it because it's how I feel. All I can think is SOB, SOB, SOB, how could You do this to us. I think it is so messed up that He let this happen. I prayed for years that I would be blessed with a baby, then I got pregnant and spent 40 weeks and 5 days praying for my baby to be happy and healthy and every night before I went to bed and every morning that I woke up I would thank God for giving me my baby girl. I have never been happier in my entire life. Then when I went into labor, for freaking 3 days I had contractions and for almost every single one of them I said a Hail Mary or some sort of prayer. I prayed my guts out for my little Zara. Then they told me I had to have the crach csection so guess what I did...I started to pray more. I laid on that f'ing table and prayed with all my heart for him to take care of my baby and make everything ok. SO please I wish someone could tell me why he took my baby girl. why the heck did I do so much praying and still lose her. It is not right. Now I do not want to pray ever again. I know I will. But I am so mad at Him. I hate the word Why. I hate that I will never have my answer. I just think it's messed up that I put all my faith in Him and He let me down like this. Why I have spent my whole life praising Him when He seems to have forsaken me time and time again.
I won't even start about how angry I am that He took my baby brother, 2 years 5 months ago.
I really hate this life. I hate it so much.

jes23's picture
Joined: 08/08/07
Posts: 36

I'm sorry you're feeling angry... I wish I had words to make it better, but I don't.

I know this doesn't help...

People say to me "God only throws at you what you can handle" I think that's B.S. because no woman is able to handle the loss of a child.

Again I'm sorry

Joined: 01/23/08
Posts: 3

I am so sorry for your loss.

Having lost people that were dear to me, I know I can say nothing to help but please know that we all send your our love and prayers.

jess

Joined: 03/16/15
Posts: 53852

I am sorry for you loss. But I also understand your anger. I lost both parents and my daughter, not at the same time but lots of losses. Anger at God I think is normal. We prayed to him for everything to be alright and it ended up not being. He was the second person I was mad at, first I was mad at myself, I had guilt. The anger at God ended when I thought about the precious things in my life that I do have.

You have every right to anger and to be mad and I know in time you will forgive him and you will begin to pray again, but until then feel what you need to feel.

Robin

CamelNoodle's picture
Joined: 07/28/04
Posts: 908

:bigarmhug: Sorry you are feeling so angry. I know that anger is a stage of grief that we all need to go through. Death is never fair.

Janel

Joined: 09/18/07
Posts: 371

Anger at God is pretty common. I actually didn't have that with my daughter Lily but I did with my Nonna. I was very angry at Him when my Nonna died. My Nonno was the one who was sick in the hospital. We were prepared for him never for her. I can't pretend to understand the workings of why and how things happen. Perhaps it is some kind of balance that takes place in the world. I don't know. I guess none of us have the answers. I read a book called "Why bad things happen to good people" it is about a Rabbi who loses his son and how he comes to terms with his relationship with God. It is a very easy read and it is nondenominational.

I don't understand why my little girl died but I know what she died from. I don't understand why she had to die from Fifths disease when so many others can have blood transfusions and survive it. But when I try to find the positive (now that almost 6 months have passed) I am able to see some good things that have happened that would never be without the experience of delivering my stillborn daughter.

- I have made a really close friend from another country who I would never have crossed paths with
- I have met some incredible women through this and another board
- In helping others cope with their loss I have come to look at my life in a different way and make choices which I think will make me a better person
- I've seen a different side of my DH
- I've been given the opportunity to care for a friend's angel while she has moved out of the country. I doubt it would have ever occurred to me to volunteer to bring flowers and wreaths to her grave regularly.
- I have a new look on what is important in my life

Not that I wouldn't trade all of these great gifts in a heartbeat to have Lily with me. I miss her every single moment of every single day. But that little 4.2 lb beautiful angel has made such an impact on my life. I know she would have impacted it if she were here but even in her absence she is still a part of me and our family.

I hope a part of this ramble helps ease your anger slightly. If it doesn't, eventually time will. I am so sorry that time is the only thing that can ease the pain. I wish there was a quick fix.

Antionette

shellyhudson's picture
Joined: 01/13/07
Posts: 814

I am so sorry that you are in this place right now. I understand the anger. I went through that phase, and sometimes go back there. Hopefully, your soul will find some peace soon. I am so sorry that Zara is not with you now.

Shelly

Joined: 05/04/06
Posts: 250

We're here for you. I wish I had something else to say that would make it better for you, but I don't. Just know that you arent alone in your grief.

Karen

ducknjay's picture
Joined: 10/11/05
Posts: 71

I'm so sorry sweetie! Please hang in there.

Joined: 03/16/15
Posts: 53852

I understand. I am angry every single day. I am so close to hate that I don't know what to do with myself. If God is so good and hears all of our prayers and loves us soooo much, then why do crack head mothers get their babies and ours die? Why? Why, if he loves us sooo much does he not give us peace? I'll tell you. He doesn't care.

Lisa

Joined: 03/16/15
Posts: 53852

HAving been there myself i know words will not help but time and understanding friends will help, when the time is right. THis is a time and stage of grief and a trial of sorts for you. Perhaps the only thing that ever helped me out of the darkness of the day when i felt this anger and deep grief was something my MIL, who herself had lost her share of babies, said to me. She said just remember no soul is born in vain and every baby has a soul. Every baby goes to that special place the souls go to direct without any stopovers, and they always watch out for you and help you and guide you if you let them. THeir little wings sit on you shoulder all the time to help you through life's difficulties and put that silver lining in every dark cloud. So many hugs and fuzzies. ANd come here when you are angry and talk it through with all of us.

loveya

Joined: 03/16/15
Posts: 53852

You have every right to feel angry, or whatever emotion you feel at the time. I was angry for a very long time also. I am still frustrated with the loss of Brennan, but I try not to be so angry anymore. Granted there are days that I still slip back into angry mode....

HopefullySoon's picture
Joined: 01/31/08
Posts: 163

I am so lucky to have all you ladies. Your words help.

Joined: 03/16/15
Posts: 53852

I am so sorry for your loss hun ((((HUGS)))

I wanted to echo what Antionette said. There will be positives from your loss, although it is hard to see that now. My DS was still born two years ago and from his loss I learned that I had a inherited blood clotting disorder. Now my mother is receiving treatment because she has the disorder and did not know it. Both of my cousins are receiving treatments in their pregnancies. My losses could have been there gain.

You will always hurt, but never as much as you do now. It does easier. Reading really helped me cope through the pain. I picked up every book on grief and loss I could get my hands on. There is also a very good book that really helped me through a dark time its called Disappointment with God by Phillip Yancey.

Kati