I am so mad!!!! I know the first thing you are wondering is, well who is she mad at.
I am so angry that God took my baby girl away. IT is so F'ED up. I was just going through my "memory box" and looking at the only things I have left from the hospital, Zara's hand prints, her blanket, the few pics, etc, and I all of the sudden got so angry, I swear I was seeing red. I am so mad at God. There, I said it. I think he is a SOB. I don't care if I go straight to hell for saying it because it's how I feel. All I can think is SOB, SOB, SOB, how could You do this to us. I think it is so messed up that He let this happen. I prayed for years that I would be blessed with a baby, then I got pregnant and spent 40 weeks and 5 days praying for my baby to be happy and healthy and every night before I went to bed and every morning that I woke up I would thank God for giving me my baby girl. I have never been happier in my entire life. Then when I went into labor, for freaking 3 days I had contractions and for almost every single one of them I said a Hail Mary or some sort of prayer. I prayed my guts out for my little Zara. Then they told me I had to have the crach csection so guess what I did...I started to pray more. I laid on that f'ing table and prayed with all my heart for him to take care of my baby and make everything ok. SO please I wish someone could tell me why he took my baby girl. why the heck did I do so much praying and still lose her. It is not right. Now I do not want to pray ever again. I know I will. But I am so mad at Him. I hate the word Why. I hate that I will never have my answer. I just think it's messed up that I put all my faith in Him and He let me down like this. Why I have spent my whole life praising Him when He seems to have forsaken me time and time again.
I won't even start about how angry I am that He took my baby brother, 2 years 5 months ago.
I really hate this life. I hate it so much.
I am sorry for you loss. But I also understand your anger. I lost both parents and my daughter, not at the same time but lots of losses. Anger at God I think is normal. We prayed to him for everything to be alright and it ended up not being. He was the second person I was mad at, first I was mad at myself, I had guilt. The anger at God ended when I thought about the precious things in my life that I do have.
You have every right to anger and to be mad and I know in time you will forgive him and you will begin to pray again, but until then feel what you need to feel.
Anger at God is pretty common. I actually didn't have that with my daughter Lily but I did with my Nonna. I was very angry at Him when my Nonna died. My Nonno was the one who was sick in the hospital. We were prepared for him never for her. I can't pretend to understand the workings of why and how things happen. Perhaps it is some kind of balance that takes place in the world. I don't know. I guess none of us have the answers. I read a book called "Why bad things happen to good people" it is about a Rabbi who loses his son and how he comes to terms with his relationship with God. It is a very easy read and it is nondenominational.
I don't understand why my little girl died but I know what she died from. I don't understand why she had to die from Fifths disease when so many others can have blood transfusions and survive it. But when I try to find the positive (now that almost 6 months have passed) I am able to see some good things that have happened that would never be without the experience of delivering my stillborn daughter.
- I have made a really close friend from another country who I would never have crossed paths with
- I have met some incredible women through this and another board
- In helping others cope with their loss I have come to look at my life in a different way and make choices which I think will make me a better person
- I've seen a different side of my DH
- I've been given the opportunity to care for a friend's angel while she has moved out of the country. I doubt it would have ever occurred to me to volunteer to bring flowers and wreaths to her grave regularly.
- I have a new look on what is important in my life
Not that I wouldn't trade all of these great gifts in a heartbeat to have Lily with me. I miss her every single moment of every single day. But that little 4.2 lb beautiful angel has made such an impact on my life. I know she would have impacted it if she were here but even in her absence she is still a part of me and our family.
I hope a part of this ramble helps ease your anger slightly. If it doesn't, eventually time will. I am so sorry that time is the only thing that can ease the pain. I wish there was a quick fix.
I am so sorry that you are in this place right now. I understand the anger. I went through that phase, and sometimes go back there. Hopefully, your soul will find some peace soon. I am so sorry that Zara is not with you now.
I understand. I am angry every single day. I am so close to hate that I don't know what to do with myself. If God is so good and hears all of our prayers and loves us soooo much, then why do crack head mothers get their babies and ours die? Why? Why, if he loves us sooo much does he not give us peace? I'll tell you. He doesn't care.