I just need to let out some of my emotions. I think that my cycle is returning. Logically I know that this is a good thing and that my body is healing properly. Emotionally I feel betrayed by my own body. Not having a cycle was my last physical link to Damien. I can feel that slipping away from me and I am craving it to stay. I am devastated by the loss that it is making me feel. It is as if I have just lost him all over again. I hate this so much. All I do is cry and cry and cry. It is just not fair!!! I want to have more than a few (never enough) pictures and a pretty piece of metal full of ashes. It is not the right thing to do but my mind keeps thinking the most awful things. I sit there and think of all of the moms that aren't fit to be a mom. I am talking about moms that won't quit crack or heroine or whatever other form of selfabuse it detrimental to the precious life they are carrying. Why do they get to be moms and DH and I lose this precious angel that was planned, wanted, loved, desired? I am in such a chasm of self pity and despair right now. I hate that I feel this way. I know that I am unable to be the mother that my daughter deserves when I am like this and yet I cannot get out of this place that I am currently in. I hate the fact that I am going to be going back on BCP in a few days, but I also know that is what is best for my family and me right now. Lord, just give me strength. If you have gotten this far, thank you so much for letting me get all of that out. I am still in the same emotional place that I was at the beginning, but the tears have lessened.