I just need to let out some of my emotions. I think that my cycle is returning. Logically I know that this is a good thing and that my body is healing properly. Emotionally I feel betrayed by my own body. Not having a cycle was my last physical link to Damien. I can feel that slipping away from me and I am craving it to stay. I am devastated by the loss that it is making me feel. It is as if I have just lost him all over again. I hate this so much. All I do is cry and cry and cry. It is just not fair!!! I want to have more than a few (never enough) pictures and a pretty piece of metal full of ashes. It is not the right thing to do but my mind keeps thinking the most awful things. I sit there and think of all of the moms that aren't fit to be a mom. I am talking about moms that won't quit crack or heroine or whatever other form of selfabuse it detrimental to the precious life they are carrying. Why do they get to be moms and DH and I lose this precious angel that was planned, wanted, loved, desired? I am in such a chasm of self pity and despair right now. I hate that I feel this way. I know that I am unable to be the mother that my daughter deserves when I am like this and yet I cannot get out of this place that I am currently in. I hate the fact that I am going to be going back on BCP in a few days, but I also know that is what is best for my family and me right now. Lord, just give me strength. If you have gotten this far, thank you so much for letting me get all of that out. I am still in the same emotional place that I was at the beginning, but the tears have lessened.
You're doing great just by continuing to vent and let us all know how you're feeling. At least you're not afraid to say how you feel.
I have all the exact same thoughts about junkies and their babies and i just have to shut those thoughts out after a while because they make me angry and then i get to thinking, if lowlifes are allowed to keep their babies... what did i do? If everything happens for a reason and they deserve their children i must have done something so incredibly bad! Then i try and think what it could have been and it screws me over.
Self pity and despair are all completely normal. The only thing to watch out for is PPD, If you think there's a chance that your emotions are more than grief perhaps see a doctor about possible PPD. I've been really lucky and not had PPD both times (touch wood). I bet though that it's hard to recognise when you're wrapped up in grieving at the same time.
I'm going back on BCP's too in a few weeks. The doctor told me i had to wait 6 weeks to reduce the chances of DVT. I've got 3 weeks left.
I wish there was something I could say to make you feel better. Sarah said pretty much what I was going to say. I've thought all the same things about the junkies and young kids having kids and well, all of it. Just know that when you need to vent or talk, we are here...you aren't alone. Keeping you in my thoughts and prayers...
I am so sorry. Those feelings are completely normal. You are so strong! The best thing you can keep doing is talking, venting, screaming. It all works. Someone told me that God only gives you what you can handle. I say BOLOGNA! God helps you handle what He gives you. Hang in there honey. Take it one breath at a time.
Love and hugs,