I thought I had been doing "so well". Today was a bit difficult though. I took my three year old to gymnastics and ran into someone I used to work with who didn't know. I gave her the quick version of what happened and was just a bit teary eyed but got through it. She left and then doesn't it figure I have a pregnant mom and two moms with little ones (about a year) sit beside me.
One of the little ones was crying because the mom had to go inside to the gym for a bit and I found myself singing itsy bitsy spider to keep him amused. The whole time I am thinking I should be singing this to my little girl in another 30 days. I couldn't bear to hear him crying and singing seemed like the best option.
Then I am watching how much fun my little boy is having at gymnastics and wishing beyond belief that I was able to bring my little girl here. The two moms beside me were pointing out the older sibling of each of the little ones (and they are both in my guy's class). It is so unfair. Why can't I have Lily? I totally planned on bringing her with me to gymnastics when she was old enough. Thomas (her big brother) absolutely loves it there.
I cried all the way home. How come some days I seem to get through the day and the next I come crashing down again? What I wouldn't give to jump into a time machine and see if there was anything I could do to save my daughter Lily. What if I could go back to before becoming pregnant and expose myself to fifths disease ahead of time so that I couldn't pass it on to her. Wouldn't that be amazing, if we somehow had the power to go back and get it right.