I thought I had been doing "so well". Today was a bit difficult though. I took my three year old to gymnastics and ran into someone I used to work with who didn't know. I gave her the quick version of what happened and was just a bit teary eyed but got through it. She left and then doesn't it figure I have a pregnant mom and two moms with little ones (about a year) sit beside me.
One of the little ones was crying because the mom had to go inside to the gym for a bit and I found myself singing itsy bitsy spider to keep him amused. The whole time I am thinking I should be singing this to my little girl in another 30 days. I couldn't bear to hear him crying and singing seemed like the best option.
Then I am watching how much fun my little boy is having at gymnastics and wishing beyond belief that I was able to bring my little girl here. The two moms beside me were pointing out the older sibling of each of the little ones (and they are both in my guy's class). It is so unfair. Why can't I have Lily? I totally planned on bringing her with me to gymnastics when she was old enough. Thomas (her big brother) absolutely loves it there.
I cried all the way home. How come some days I seem to get through the day and the next I come crashing down again? What I wouldn't give to jump into a time machine and see if there was anything I could do to save my daughter Lily. What if I could go back to before becoming pregnant and expose myself to fifths disease ahead of time so that I couldn't pass it on to her. Wouldn't that be amazing, if we somehow had the power to go back and get it right.
So sorry you had to go through that. I hate the "what if's" game, it's really not fun. It's upsetting to find yourself in situations with babies and children, especially if anything reminds you of the plans you'd made for your angel.
As going back and changing it? I'm not sure about that. As much as i miss my little ones and wish that they were still here i don't even allow myself to dwell much on what things would be like if they were still here, it's too painful. I do, of course, but i try and chase the thoughts out of my mind. I don't know what would happen if we had a magical way of changing it... i'd still not be sure.
I am so sorry that you had such a hard day. I had one like that recently. I felt like someone had kicked me in the gut. I sobbed and sobbed. I think about the what if's a lot too. I would only wish to go back in time if I maintained the knowledge that I know now. Otherwise, my outcome would not change. However, that kind of fantasy does run through my thoughts frequently. I am so very sorry that you lost your precious Lily. I believe that she and all of the other angels on this board have found each other in heaven and have one big play group waiting for their mommies and daddies to meet them in the future. Sorry if I sound like Pollyanna, but if I let one negative thought in they seem to flood over me. I hope that you find peace.