I can't believe last week I was new to this website and excited about my new baby. I guess it wasn't the right time. I had a miscarriage last night and I am sad...just so sad. Today was a better day. I did things around the house and shut it out. I tried to resume some amount of normalcy, though this is a very big shift.
Right now I am having a sensitive moment. I keep asking myself how I am doing. MY honest answer is, "I am completely heart-broken and devastated, and I don't know what to do about it." Then I remember to add, "I know it will get better." Right now it doesn't feel better, but it's only been one day.
I used to think that m/c was such a different thing. You can't relate until you are there. I always imagined mothers who were further in their pregnancies than I was (5 weeks) losing a baby, and how they must feel. Now I understand that it is just as hard at any stage. Your baby is your baby from day one on.
I find that thought I babble on these bulletins it helps to get everything I a thinking out. The more I talk, the better I feel. I realized today, though, that I need to stop telling myself all the things you are not supposed to say to someone in my situation. I told myself it wasn't my fault and so did the doc...but it was my fault. My body could not save my baby. I told myself that it was okay...it's not, but things will get easier.
The thing I am most afraid of is the question from my friends, "How are you?" What do you say to that? I'm terrible, thanks for bringing it up! I know they mean well, but I'd much rather them go on with their day and let me bring it up when I need to. I have a feeling that I may have to politely excuse myself a few times a day when I am around people.
I keep asking myself, why me? Everything else in my life is so wonderful. Why did this thing, the one thing that I want to much, have to turn out this way? I hate this feeling! I WANT TO SCREAM AND YELL AND MAKE IT ALL GO AWAY!
Well, ladies, that's all I have to say for now. Thank you for reading my novel of a post. I appreciate the support and find comfort in the people who can understand how hard this can be.