A tough night...please hold my hand

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Sweet Nutmeg's picture
Joined: 08/16/07
Posts: 170
A tough night...please hold my hand

I can't believe last week I was new to this website and excited about my new baby. I guess it wasn't the right time. I had a miscarriage last night and I am sad...just so sad. Today was a better day. I did things around the house and shut it out. I tried to resume some amount of normalcy, though this is a very big shift.

Right now I am having a sensitive moment. I keep asking myself how I am doing. MY honest answer is, "I am completely heart-broken and devastated, and I don't know what to do about it." Then I remember to add, "I know it will get better." Right now it doesn't feel better, but it's only been one day.

I used to think that m/c was such a different thing. You can't relate until you are there. I always imagined mothers who were further in their pregnancies than I was (5 weeks) losing a baby, and how they must feel. Now I understand that it is just as hard at any stage. Your baby is your baby from day one on.

I find that thought I babble on these bulletins it helps to get everything I a thinking out. The more I talk, the better I feel. I realized today, though, that I need to stop telling myself all the things you are not supposed to say to someone in my situation. I told myself it wasn't my fault and so did the doc...but it was my fault. My body could not save my baby. I told myself that it was okay...it's not, but things will get easier.

The thing I am most afraid of is the question from my friends, "How are you?" What do you say to that? I'm terrible, thanks for bringing it up! I know they mean well, but I'd much rather them go on with their day and let me bring it up when I need to. I have a feeling that I may have to politely excuse myself a few times a day when I am around people.

I keep asking myself, why me? Everything else in my life is so wonderful. Why did this thing, the one thing that I want to much, have to turn out this way? I hate this feeling! I WANT TO SCREAM AND YELL AND MAKE IT ALL GO AWAY!

Well, ladies, that's all I have to say for now. Thank you for reading my novel of a post. I appreciate the support and find comfort in the people who can understand how hard this can be.

OneLuckyLady's picture
Joined: 04/12/07
Posts: 129

I am so very sorry for your loss. I know that there are no words right now that will take your pain away. Just know that we are here when you need to vent or just need a shoulder to cry on.

Joined: 11/19/05
Posts: 456

:comfort: I am so sorry you lost your baby Sad

This board is so comforting..supportive...We will all be here for you..helping you to get through the days ahead...To learn to live life, without your little one Sad

The feelings you are having.....let them come...don't suppress them...don't rush them...embrace them. Take each day as it comes...with all of its ups and downs...

As time goes by, each day will be more bearable...The anger and sorrow...The lost and hopeless feeling that you have... will not be as strong...because you will be stronger..

Is there a family member, or, good friend, that you could ask to maybe call all of your friends?? this may help....

When your friends ask how you are doing?? *if* you are up to it....be honest...My response may go something like this.... *My heart has been broken....and it will never completely mend... I am trying to learn to live life, without my baby...Thanks for asking*....Or, like you said....just say you can't talk about your feelings right now, and excuse yourself...

I wish I could answer that question, why me?? I have lost 9 little ones....I know there is an answer...That said, I will not know it until I pass away myself one day...

Until then, the loss of my babies has driven me to help other women through their pain and suffering...to mend....Something I would probably never have been able to do, if I had not suffered this myself....

:bighug:

Marie

Joined: 01/25/02
Posts: 2023

hugs! I just found out myself last week, and it was and is devastating. It hurts so much more than I ever thought it would. I knew it must be terribly emotional for a woman to have a miscarriage, but I sometimes wonder if this happened so I can be more emphathetic. I also hate ppl asking how I am, cause I am usually okay, until they ask.

This board is just wonderful, these ladies are great. Again, I am so very sorry that you lost your baby.

Joined: 03/11/07
Posts: 67

Hey Sweetie, I'm so sorry things turned out badly for you. Every baby comes with dreams that we hold onto in our hearts, so when this happens, its so difficult to deal with. You will be on a roller-coaster of emotions for quite awhile. Don't feel you have to explain to anyone what went wrong, and above all, don't feel that you caused this to happen.:openarms:

shellyhudson's picture
Joined: 01/13/07
Posts: 814

"rachelrazzle" wrote:

I also hate ppl asking how I am, cause I am usually okay, until they ask.

This board is just wonderful, these ladies are great. Again, I am so very sorry that you lost your baby.

I can only agree with everyone else. I know that pain you describe and nearly a month later I still go through moments where I ask and think the same things as you. Let yourself grieve as you need to. Please, come here and let it out any time that you need. No matter the time frame of our losses we have all lost our babies. They are no less loved in the first tri than in the third. I wish you peace.

Shelly

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