Over the years I have made my fair share of trips to the ER with my boys (6 & 3).
It is a small town ER and treats the golf ball size goose egg on the head, the middle of the night ear infection and the 104 degree fevers. Each time I go, I dread the triage room as it sits kitty corner to “the bathroom”. It is the place I knew back in May of 2002 I was loosing my first baby. I was sent into “the bathroom” to put on a pad as I was bleeding on the floor and they did not have a room to put me. It feels like I am sent back in time to that awful moment and it triggers all those memories.
So, I ask. What are some of your triggers? Is there a place? A word? A smell that is a trigger for you?
My trigger is literally any bathroom anywhere. I had bleeding/spotting for a month leading up to my m/c, and every time I entered a bathroom anywhere, I said a little prayer for no blood. Now, I'm pregnant again and bleeding again, and I'm back to praying for no blood. Every time I go to the bathroom, I am terrified.
I was soooooo thinking of this post all last week. We celebrated DH's 31st b'day with a weekend in Galveston earlier this year. I was pg then and the day his parents got into town to drive to Galveston was the day we told them. Everyone was soooooo happy. I was still trying to be aloof, since that was the day of our 1st u/s and we had not seen the hb and the OB gave me date estimates that were (to my knowledge) about 2 weeks off.
Anyway, so the ILs had planned a week long family vacation in Galveston which was last week.
All I could think of driving down there and arriving and doing a lot of the same things we'd done back in May was, "Last time I did this, I was pregnant and excited and looking forward to baby #3".
BOOOOOOOOOO for triggers. These LOs deserve to be remembered, but it can be so hard at times.
I am on the local fire department. Whenever we get called to a scene involving an infant, I get triggered. Once, we got called to a home for a baby who was not breathing. He looked perfect when we got there. He was dead. We could not save him and I wouldn't let my guys work on him because I didn't want his poor mama to have to deal with his broken body. I can still remember her screams.
I also get triggered by some church services. Other people's grief can trigger me. Certain dates can trigger me. It is better now than it used to be. It's been 25 years and I still go through periods of deep darkness.
One trigger for me was my OB/GYN office. I had to go there a lot during my whole ordeal due to needing frequent u/s, so anytime I went there afterward, I was reminded of my losses, first the final determination that the growing sac in my uterus was still empty and had begun to fall apart, then the u/s where they discovered the ectopic (which I saw on the u/s). I now have a new OB/GYN, so that trigger is no longer there and I feel so much more comfortable going to the GYN now. Another trigger has been seeing pregnant women, but it's starting to get easier.
One trigger for me is seeing other pregnant woman my age. I am 35 years old. Another trigger is woman who complain about their children. I know it is hard to have children but when you can't have one you don't want to hear those that have them complain about the long nights or the dirty bedrooms. I would love to stay up holding my child.
Also a certain old "friend" triggers it. She was in the hospital taking a tour of the maternity ward the day that I found out that I was going to lose my daughter. Just seeing her brings back that memory. It is better but I still have flashbacks when I see or hear her voice. She has gone on to have 2 beautiful children while I am still struggling with my losses.