I a surprise pregnancy back in November 06, it ended in a ruptured ectopic. I had about a week from when I knew I was pregnant til the end. I had a very difficult time with that, especially bcause I loss a tube. I can remember one day a few days later just crying my eyes out. I just couldn't stop crying. Eventually I moved on, I was planning a wedding, and not many people knew, so it was an easier proces.
After getting married, we decided we'd officially try. It took about 8 months, but we managed to get our BFP on April 28th. Once again I had that uneasy feeling, that things weren't right, but I didn't have any bleeding. I had pregnancy symptoms more so than the last time, so I had hope. My HCG numbers doubled well, so my doctor sent me for an early ultrasound.
They told me they couldn't see everything, and that I had a retroverted uterus that also tips to the left. The tech said it could either be too early or this pregnancy wasn't viable. I was so upset. I was told to come back in a week. I still had sore boobs, but a lot of my pregnancy symptoms had subsided. I never got morning sickness, and food didn't sound as bad.
I had my D&C today as the last ultrasound revealed that the baby stopped growing and didn't have a heartbeat. I find that I'm at peace with the situation, even though I know it's going to be hard. Most of our friends and family members knew. I'm worried at how long it will take us to get pregnant the next time, if at all, much less if it'll happen again. I can't help, but feeling like this will be a theme for me. All I want is one healthy child, I cannot understand why I have to experience so much pain.
Last edited by LauraT; 06-01-2008 at 12:21 AM.
Reason: to remove signature
Hugs Kati. I'm so sorry hon. My heart hurts for you. How are you feeling physically? The first day I felt fine, but yesterday and today have been hurting more. You are in my thoughts and prayers a lot lately.
Physically I'm doing okay. Although last night was rough because my stomach wasn't really ready for real food so I had real bad indigestion for most of the night. I ended up curled up in a ball with the heating pad.
I'm dreading tommorow because I'm going back to work. I just can't handle everyone knowing and I know I'll probaly get snippy if they make the usual "feel better" comments. I've already heard the "maybe it wasn't meant to be" comment, and I really had to hold my tongue. It really makes me wonder if people don't think when they say things like that, obviously it wasn't meant to be if I'm not pregnant anymore.
Last time hardly anyone knew so it was a lot easier, my whole workplace knows this time, and I know there are going to people who haven't heard who are going to ask me how I'm feeling, and ugh... I'm just dreading it.
Hugs Kati. I'm sorry you are headed back to work so soon. I hate that I am supposed to get back to normal life already, it sucks. I'm sorry that ppl make such stupid comments, seriously, why can't they just say they are sorry, and leave it at that. And yeah, more ppl know about my loss this time as well, and well, I hate it, it was easier when no one knew. Hope your day is okay tomorrow. Hugs and prayers.
I am so sorry for your losses. I can really relate to everything you wrote about, Kati.
I think you are courageous to go back to work, and I admire you for that. I'd like to offer a simple perspective, that I hope will help. It sure helps me.
It's all how you look at something -- I have found that our happiness is in direct relationship with our perspective on things.
When people say those silly things (and -- unfortunately -- they will), yeah, it could be that some are just not thinking. But more likely I think it's because they just don't know what to say. I honestly believe it's because they are uncomfortable with our grief, because it hasn't happened to them. It's not like the grief we all share in life eventually, like losing a grandparent, a parent, a pet, etc. Personally, I've never heard anyone say silly things over these kinds of losses. That's because they can all relate, so they KNOW such words won't help. But our grief is less common, so they're at a loss for words, and scramble for something to say.
So from Nicole's Tool Box, presenting...Tool #1: please try not to be angry about their comments -- the kind hearted ones are just responding (to the news of our loss) as best as they can. Try to look at it this way because it's likely the truth. And because having this perspective will hurt you less. When we harbour a resentment, it really only hurts us. I once heard that resentment is like taking poison and expecting the other person to die. Strange but true.
In contrast, having the perspective that -- chances are -- they're doing the best they can makes it unlikely that we'll resent what they have to say. Which also makes it a whole lot easier on us, you see? I hope this helps.
We all care about you Kati, and we're going to help you through this.
"Courage is not the absence of fear.
Courage is action in spite of fear."
-- Mark Twain
Work didn't go too bad. Although I'll admit I think I almost had a panic attack, but it had nothing to do with anyone saying anything to me. I just couldn't handle the stress of work to function properly. I got through it though. I kind of wish my boss would of said what happened, but she didn't. So instead I have all these people coming up to me still thinking I'm pregnant.
So instead of hearing how are you doing, I've heard oh you'll have a baby picture soon, or don't do that you'll strain yourself momma. I feel bad saying not anymore. Hubby's been real good to me though, I really don't think I could get through this right now without him.
Hugs hon. I'm sorry that you have to tell everyone. I have a few ppl I need to tell yet too, and well, I am not jumping on the phone to call anyone. I'm glad that your hubby is being so wonderful as well.