It has been almost 4 months since I delivered my beautiful 16 week daughter. I want a baby really bad. I just don't know if I am ready. If any of you have started to try since your loss what clued you in that you were ready?
I know I can't replace the baby I lost and I don't want to I just want a child in my life. Does that mean I am ready to start trying again?
I am seen many women on the board trying at 2 or 3 months out, how did you know your were ready?
I wish i had an answer for you, but i am actuallly dealing with the same thing. I m/c in july. My dh is deployed and we got pg on r&r. He is due home right at O time next month and i *think* I want to try. i'm not sure. I figured that after the extension him being due home 2-3 days prior to me O'ing was a sign that it was time to try again. I just want to prepare myself for the emotional rollercoaster that is going to come with becoming pg again, no matter how happy i am to be pg, i am (as many othe women are) to be a basket case throughout.
I'm sure you will just *know* when the time is right for you to try again. Many women say they just know when its time to try again, as well as when their family is complete.
I wish you lots of luck and will be thinking about you!
I know what a tough time this is and I'm so sorry for what you are going through. It is so hard to know when to try again and every woman/couple is different. We started trying 2 1/2 months after my delivery at 20 weeks. Three things convinced me I was ready to try again. This was my experience and I know these things don't apply to everyone...
First, there came a point at which my desire for a child outweighed the fear of the pain I knew I would suffer should we have another loss. As sad as I was and continued to be, I could look at my life, see myself having a child and not be griped by absolute paralyzing fear. The second thing was my doctors. This was my first loss, but they were willing to devise a plan to prevent this from happening again. There are never gaurantees, of course, but for me, I couldn't have gone forward until I was sure there was something proactive I could do to help the process along.
The third is the most individual and personal. For me, waiting wasn't going to help. I wasn't ever going to completely stop being sad ( I still haven't.) All I was doing was wallowing in fear and reliving the whole nightmare that I'd been through and making myself more and more afraid of what was to come. I needed to move on. This doesn't mean forget, but move on.
I am pregnant now and just passed the point at which I lost my daughter. It hasn't been easy, but I believe we made the right decision for us. I agree with the PP, though, mostly, you will just know when the time is right.
That question is one that relies on a lot of things and i have had to make it twice now so i have a couple of different experiences with it.
Firstly of course there's the practical issues. Your age can be a decider because if you are older obviously your body clock ticks and you simply dont have the luxury of time that someone younger does. Then there's your fertility. If you have fertility problems and it took you a while to concieve before then waiting may not be the best idea.
Assuming that your body clock isnt ticking away too much and you have no known fertility issues i would say that the one question you need to ask is how you feel when you imagine carrying another baby. If you feel overwhelmingly excited then TTC is probably right for you to do now. If you feel overwhelmingly scared then maybe those feelings need to be resolved first?
I know i'm playing the pessimist too, but you also have to force yourself to imagine you're loosing another baby and decide if you're ready for those feelings. Of course no one is ever ready, but if you think it might tip you over the edge then consider waiting. I know (and anyone who's had more than one loss knows) that just because you've been shat on once you dont get a "happy card" that entitles you to an easy pregnancy and a wonderful outcome next time. How much i wish that were true!
After we lost Zane i knew that the only thing that would make me happy again would be to get pregnant as soon as possible. I was pregnant again after 6 months and although we waited that long it was so incredibly hard! I worried about everything a million times more and the pregnancy wasnt an easy one. I had bleeding and then fluid loss and finally, as you know, we lost our precious girl and had a still birth.
We are getting through it and we are coping very very well considering, BUT it has completely changed my attitudes towards trying again. Now i'm going back on the pill and we arent going to try. I just couldnt bear to put us through that.
Also, i have feeling of guilt to deal with because i was the one who pressured DH into trying again. He would have happily waited longer, but he tried sooner because he saw how much i needed to. Then it all went wrong again and he wasn't ready. I have to live with that.
Urgh! Sorry again that i am so cynical about it. It's just the last thing i would do would be to say "Oh go ahead, you'll be fine this time!" because that isnt a guarantee. We all know that.
So. After all that. How do you feel about TTC? More excited or more scared?
Thanks for the insights. As to the question...more scared.
We go in October to the Gyn, a new one and I will ask her the questions I have on how to reduce my chances of another miscarriage. Then we will go back to the infertility doctor, the baby I miscarried was an IVF baby, and see what they think. I don't think anything will happen until January of 08 because they will probably want to do all the fertility test again since it has been over 6 months.
Thanks again for all you suggestions. I am 32 but my husband is 42 and I guess I feel guilty for making him wait but it is my body and apparently I am not as ready as I thought.
I hope that your new gyn is able to help you and has the answers you're looking for.
Don't feel guilty for making your DH wait. Maybe if my DH had been a bit firmer with me we wouldnt be in this situation we're in now. But, i shouldnt linger on the "what if's" They can really get a person down.
If nothing would happen until January just remember that you feel completely different now to how you did when you first lost your precious baby girl 3 months ago. So by the time January comes around in 4 months you will feel wholly different again. I feel like this grief is a long tunnel that keeps getting lighter. Every so often i'll stop and look back at where i was a week or month ago and i'll realise just how light it's got.
I am 32 but my husband is 42 and I guess I feel guilty for making him wait but it is my body and apparently I am not as ready as I thought.
I cannot expand on any ideas of whether or not you are ready. The wonderful ladies before me have already coverd everything I can think of. I did want to say that
1) it is YOUR body and you are still in a prime age.
2)unless they "unload the gun" men can conceive well into a ripe old age. My husband is also 42 and I am 34. The plan is to wait until we are stateside before we try again. Just take your time to think things out and you will make the right decision.
It is so hard to make that decision. For me, as soon as I found out we would miscarry (a blighted ovum) I wanted to try again. I am dying to be pregnant. But my loss was not as far along, so I don't know how much that has to do with it.
Hugs, and I hope you two can talk it all out and come to decision that works for both of you.
Baby Matthew was born on 8/03, and we knew immediately that we wanted to try again ASAP. I would be pregnant now if my doctors approved it...but they have told us to wait until November. While my loss is still very very fresh, we just know that we will try again as soon as my body is ready.