hi ladies, i don't post on this board but i need some advice on a situation i have had a hard time approaching since jan. i know my coming to you might offend some of you, but i'm just wondering if you have any advice for me and i'm sorry if anything i say offends or hurts any of you, not my goal at all.
my background: 3 years ago i miscarried at 7 weeks. i found out i was pg on mother's day and had my m/c on memorial day. i dealt with the loss very well for the most part, but it still stuck with me and affected a lot of my decisions. right now i'm 26 wks pg. we weren't trying, i was on bc and it was a total shock. the father wanted an abortion but due to my previous loss, it wasn't an option at all.
i work with a woman who has a daughter who is 3 years younger than i am. her daughter found out she was pg in november. she was due in june. she miscarried at the end of january. the exact weekend i found out i was pg. the mom and i have been friends and got along very well for about 5 years now. all three of us rode together to work every day. well, after the m/c the daughter stopped coming to work and is having a very hard time dealing with it, especially now that it is june.
i've tried to be as sensitive as possible whenever i have seen either of them. the mom acts happy for my pregnancy but hurt for her daughter at the same time. i want to help the daughter because i went through the exact situation at the exact age (we were both the same age, single, had fathers of the baby with no interest in being there, etc). but i know my being around hurts her so i just stay away. is there anything i can do other than staying away??? when i talk to her mom i ask about her to make sure she's ok but she doesn't share much. i'm at a loss of what to do regarding both of them as i know they are both hurt. i really value my friendship with the mother but feel like i'm hurting her too with my current pg.
ok, sorry that was so long. i hope i didn't come across selfish, i'm just not sure what to do. was hoping you would have some advice considering you've been there too.
Moderator of the pregnancy and infant loss support board
I wish there were more people like you
As you already know, this is a VERY difficult month for her, and her mother (grandma) ....
I think you just need to give them both space..Your preg is a reminder of what could have/should have been for them...a very painful reminder...
I may drop a note/email saying that you were thinking of her this month...remembering her lost lo...send many hugs and let her know that you certainly understand her needing space from you given your condition...But that when she is ready, you will be there..no matter how long that takes..Maybe share your experience with loss if she doesn't know...
As far as grandma (mom) goes...I would tell her something similar..Let her know that you lost a baby 3 years back..so, you do have an understanding of how hard this is...And that if she ever needs to talk, you are there..Then just let it be..Give them both some breathing room..
I am sure I may have more to say....I was running out the door when I saw your post...
Maybe suggest the daughter come here. I do suggest staying away from the daughter and not talk about your pregnancy around them as I know I couldn't handle pregnant women at that very time and still have a hard time with it at certain times. My good friend at work's wife is pregnant and I had to ask him to only talk about it around me if I asked about it. He has been really good and considerate of that which has helped tremendously for me. I was doing good about it around February/March timeframe, but got some bad news in April about my ability to carry a baby and now I'm back to where I was in October/November as far as grief goes.
I think the advice given was great. I have a friend/acquaintance at church that is due a few weeks before I was, and I never told her I was pg, but I asked her how she was today, and it was a struggle to even ask.
I'm glad that you are so sensitive to them, and hope you can express that to them both. Hugs!
I agree with the advice above. I just wanted to say that I'm glad you chose to write here, and I appreciate the sensitivity and respect you showed to the people on this board.
I welcome your posts, because if we can help anyone for anything, then that's great. It helps us all to heal and move through our grief more quickly. It's win-win, so come around here any time.
I'd like to add that I'm sorry for your loss, and genuinely happy for you about your current pregnancy -- I hope it all goes brilliantly for you. You've also brought a message of hope to this board: that many people (most, actually) get pregnant again after loss. Thanks.
I'm with Marie: I wish there were more thinking and caring people like you.
thanks ladies! i was thinking about sending the daughter a thinking about you card. i haven't actually seen her in a while as i don't feel right stopping at their house anymore and i do want her to know i think about her and care about her. i see her mom often so i think i'm going to ask just to make sure its ok before i send it.