Waiting and Sad (m/c, pg, child ment) **updated

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Joined: 12/11/06
Posts: 7
Waiting and Sad (m/c, pg, child ment) **updated

Updated on my 4/8:

As suspected last Friday, the baby's heart had stopped today so I'm going in for a D&C in a few days. Unfortunately, there's more worry. They found excessive amounts of fluid around my ovary and feel there's a chance I might also have an ectopic - extremely rare to have both an ectopic and uterine pregnancy with a natural pregnancy but more common with IVF and since I'm seeing fertility specialists even though this was a natural pg, they are more familiar with this. So, I'm also going to have exploratory laparoscopy when they do the D&C to see what's going on. I can't believe we've gone from lots of positive to lots of negative.

I really do appreciate e1's support and responses - they've been really helpful. It's so great we have a place like this to share our feelings and get reassurance about our decisions.

Thank you.

***************************************

I was told about this board after I posted on the "pg after a loss" page and I was glad to have found it.

After a miracle pregnancy in February, this Friday I found out the baby is not growing and although the heart was beating, my doctor was rather confident it would stop soon (measured 6 weeks when I'm closer to 8 weeks and heart beat was 115.) This was my third ultrasound and the baby never measured over 6 weeks, even though the heart has beaten slowly.

I say it was a miracle pregnancy because we've only ever conceived before with help of fertility treatments (DD born 9 months ago and I had another m/c in April 2006.)

So, now I'm left sitting here wondering what's going to happen next. My doctor says he's quite confident the baby will pass away soon and that I'll either miscarry on my own or have a D&C. He wants to do another ultrasound next week to confirm all this. I have definitely lost all of my pg symptoms now, so I figure he's right.

I really don't want another D&C, even though it's efficient. I don't know why I feel this way, but I guess that since this was my first natural pregnancy, I feel like it should end naturally also. But, I don't know how long this whole process will take? And, I'm in agony just feeling like I'm waiting for my baby to die. Plus, I'm worried that I'll be at work or something and start having the m/c right there. I never told anyone I was pg and really don't want to have to start explaining that I'm having another m/c.

How did others make their decision on whether to go for a D&C or wait for a natural M/C? I know my doctor will highly recommend the D&C if the ultrasound shows the heart has stopped next week.

I'm just feeling pretty hopeless...this will be my 2nd 'missed m/c' in 3 pregnancies and I'm almost 40, so I figure the chances of TTC #2 are pretty slim.

Thanks for any advice.

nurseapril's picture
Joined: 01/25/07
Posts: 48

First of all, I'm so sorry for what you're going through.

:bigarmhug:

As far as making the decision on whether to let the m/c happen naturally or do the d n c... I lost my son, Lance, during labor in October 2007 at 39 weeks. We found out I was pregnant again in February and found the baby with no heartbeat on March 10th. I was torn on what to do because on one hand, I didn't want to have any kind of procedure done (I had a 4th degree tear from labor that had to be repaired then a c section with Lance) but on the other hand, the waiting was emotionally exhausting to me. I ended up waiting for a week (they said they wouldn't let me go past two weeks) and then having it done. I couldn't go through the false hope anymore that maybe somehow they got it wrong because nothing was happening. When the doctor did the procedure, she said I had already dilated some and that it appeared it was going to happen on its own. Also, we had an additional ultrasound done before just to be absolutely sure that the baby was gone.

It was the hardest decision I have ever had to make. The one thing I can tell you is that YOU have to be comfortable with what happens. If you feel like you need to let it happen on its own, that's what you need to do. Just make sure you have the information you need to make the decision and don't be afraid to ask for what you need. It will help knowing that you did everything you thought you needed to. Please feel free to contact me if you need to talk. My thoughts and prayers are with you.

April

Joined: 03/16/15
Posts: 53852

I am very sorry for your loss.

I took some time to make my decision. I was a little passed 15 weeks, and very pro natural birthing, etc. It isn't really in my nature to choose to have a procedure done over letting nature take its course. But for me the waiting was agony. My baby was gone, and I knew that for certain. Continuing with the pregnancy was more than my heart could bear. I went ahead with a D&E about 4 days later. It was the right decision for me at the time. Either decision totally sucks for its own reasons. You just have to do what is best for you and your family. I have two small kiddos who needed me to be able to function, and I needed to move on, so waiting didn't seem like a good option for us. It is totally personal though.

Again, I am so sorry for your loss.

Joined: 03/16/15
Posts: 53852
(child ment)

I'm SO sorry for your loss. I agree with the women above: it's a very personal decision. For me, once I knew for sure that we had lost little Alex, I had to get the D & C done. It was too painful for me to look at my small bump, and be aware that Alex was not with us anymore. Missed m/c's are horrific, and I'm so sorry you're having one.

Before having the D & C, my GP, ob/gyn and other research assured me that D & C's are very common, quick procedures -- performed VERY gently . This isn't to say that there may not be a small amount of scar tissue, but they're very gentle procedures nonetheless. And from your first D & C, you'll recall that there wasn't a lot of discomfort, really.

Naturally occurring m/c's are very painful, I'm sorry to say: akin to labour pain. I had 3 of them after we lost Alex. Personally, it was far less traumatic and painful for me to have had the D & C with Alex, compared with my 3 natural m/c's. But that's just my experience, and my feelings about it all.

Please make the decision that feels right for you. And hug your 9 month old tightly -- we don't know what the future holds, and I do hope you are blessed with another successful pregnancy. But you have your little girl, so you are very fortunate. I try to remind myself to be grateful for my 2 living children (one from my womb, and my stepdaughter I'm raising) -- I hug them very tightly, and I'm so grateful to them for having "made it", you know? When my perspective is one of gratitude, it makes everything easier (even the losses of my angel babies).

I once read "Happiness is an inside job", and for me it's all about being grateful for whom and what I have, rather than focusing on what I don't have. I mention this because I hope it might sincerely help you at this terrible time.

Please write in again,and let us know how you're doing. My thoughts & heart are with you.

Great big bear hugs,
Nicole

Joined: 06/10/07
Posts: 1692

I am so sorry for you loss. :bighug:

Deciding whether to have a d & c or not is so very difficult. I decided to have one because they had triple checked that there was no heartbeat and my baby was measuring almost 4wks behind.

My doc felt that there was a possibility because of what she found that my miscarriage might not take place for another month or more, of course, it could've been the next day but she was saying that it could be a while and that I might still need to have the surgery anyways. Knowing that there was no hope with this pregnancy and that I might still need the surgery we decided to go ahead with the procedure.

I'm so sorry that you need to make this decision. Thinking of you at this difficult time.

__________
-Julie

Joined: 03/16/15
Posts: 53852

So sorry you're going through this too. I just posted a lengthy account of what I went through waiting to m/c naturally - check it out and feel free to pm me if you want to talk or want more info, etc... hang in there... I know exactly what you're going through.

cdokter's picture
Joined: 02/18/08
Posts: 126

I m/c 'd naturally but I didn't really have a choice. By the time a Dr. would see me, I was already started. I don't know what I would have done if I had been given a choice. I do know that it hurt a lot to do it naturally and I'm waiting for the resaults of my u/s today to see if I need a dandc anyway. I'm hoping not. I don't think it's fair to have to do both. But, if life was fair, I'd be three months pregnant so there you go right. Anyway, I just wanted to say that I'm sorry for your loss and that we are all here for you. These women have brought me a lot of comfort over the last six days.

Joined: 12/11/06
Posts: 7

Thanks to everyone who has replied. I guess I didn't realize what everyone has mentioned about the pain factor with a natural m/c and as much as I wanted to go that way, I think I will probably opt for the D&C if the ultrasound tomorrow confirms that the baby has passed away. This is a hard week, especially because DH is leaving town on business, so that leaves me to figure this all out alone. Hopefully my mom can come stay with me for a couple of days to watch DD while I get the procedure. Otherwise, I'll have no choice but to wait since I have nobody to drive me to/from the center. I understand I'll be under anesthesia, so I'm assuming I cannot drive myself.

This is pure torture and I just feel for every woman who has to face this. It's completely unfair and even more frustrating is why nobody ever talks about this. I feel like it's such a taboo subject, so nobody beside my DH and my Mom even know I'm going through this.

Thank goodness for this site - you all have been really helpful and understanding.

Thank you.

Joined: 03/16/15
Posts: 53852

I am so very sorry for your loss. I have had two D&C and had no problems with either of them.
I just had a natural m/c, I was only 5 weeks, and I am still bleeding over a week later. It is a ever present reminder for me what I lost everytime I go to the bathroom.
But, as in PP it is up to you.

cdokter's picture
Joined: 02/18/08
Posts: 126

It must be hard knowing that you are going to be on your own for some of this. My DH and I just moved to Edmonton from Ontario a in october and I have really felt the absence of my family through this. If DH wasn't such a great support to me now, I'd be useless. I'm so sorry. You really should ask your mom to stay (or stay at her place for some well needed pampering after;)). It's important to have the care you need physically so that you can deal emotionally. We're here for you.

Joined: 03/16/15
Posts: 53852

I totally agree: please invite your mom to stay. It's good to have someone you can talk with about this -- and it's always nice to have an extra hand (physically) in difficult times.

Why wouldn't she want to be there? I would want to lend a hand to any loved one who needed some help, going through something awful like this. And I don't think I'm unique in feeling this way.

So I think your mom might want to help out -- she'll feel like she's doing something for you, at a time when she might feel pretty helpless about being able to do anything else for you, you see? In other words, please don't feel that you'd be imposing on her. I really doubt she'd feel that way.

Love,
Nicole

Joined: 03/16/15
Posts: 53852

Pure torture - that is exactly how I described it last week. I couldn't believe I was made to go through this (though, granted, it was mostly MY decision) and I was hopping MAD and ready to kill anyone around me when I got to the ER - thankfully, the morphine helped with that! Smile

Definitely get your mom to help out if you can, although when I was in the hospital overnight, I just send dh home to take care of all our dogs and go to work the next day, - why have him hang around in an uncomfortable chair I thought? And I just slept most of the time anyways. My one friend couldn't believe I was alone there, but I think my practical side got the best of me. Then again, I'm totally stubborn and think I can do anything on my own. It's good to have that shoulder to lean on when you need it. I can only hope the Dr's and nurses are as great to you as they were to me. They made it a lot easier.

Joined: 11/30/07
Posts: 117

Im so very sorry for your sad loss. I had a missed m/c and it is so hard. Not only do you have the pain of losing a baby, you also have the worry of surgery. I will be thinking of you.

tina_haley_n_beanz_mommy's picture
Joined: 11/14/06
Posts: 212

I am sorry to hear of your loss. Hugs. We are here for you when you need it.

HopefullySoon's picture
Joined: 01/31/08
Posts: 163

I am sorry. I wish you didn't have to be on this board, but I am glad you found it when you needed it.

Joined: 03/16/15
Posts: 53852

I am so very sorry. Being in limbo really sucks. I'll keep you in my prayers.

:bigarmhug::bigarmhug::bigarmhug::bigarmhug: