A few days ago, I finally broke down in front of my husband. He has been trying so hard tomake sure I'm alright that I was trying just as hard to be alright. Or, maybe it just hadn't really hit yet. Either way, since I lost it, I've been extra miserable. I just can't shake that stormcloud feeling. It doesn't help the I had a day off yesterday, or that my boss is more then an hour late picking em up this morning. Time alone is the worst. i've become clingy and scared to be alone. It just occurred to me a few min. ago that it is two weeks today since I m/c. I don't know if that has anything to do with how empty I feel today, or if it's just a coincidence. I haven't been keeping track of the time or anything. I just happened to notice. Sometimes, I dont' even remember that my live has changed and other times, it's all I can think of. I know when I'm "acting out" as I call it. When I'm making decisions or avoiding decisions because I'm in that kind of a mood. I know when I'm being clingy and I'm super aware of ever sign and every fidget. I've spent so much time apologising for all of this. For being clingy and weepy or just to quiet or fidgety. My husband keeps telling me not to be sorry, that I'm having a harder time then him because I was the one who was pregnant and that he understands and that he's sorry he can't make it better for me. He's doing everything right and it doesn't matter. I still feel alone. I don't want to talk about it but I have nothing else to talk about. He;s going away next week for training for work. I know he feels bad and I try not to mention it becuase he can't do anything about it. It's a new job and he has to go. We both know this. But I'm so terrified to be alone for that time. I don't have friends here and I can't dump this on the family I have here (I'm embarrassed to do it and honestly, they've only known me a few months). I don't want to talk to anyone but my husband or go anywhere without him. I've always been social but now I freeze up at the idea of having a conversation with someone other than him. I don't feel at all like myself. I don't really feel like I'm faking being alright either. I just feel empty and I'm pretty sure it shows most of the time and I feel guilty that others have to see me like this and try to make me feel better. They can't and I don't like making them feel a part of the pain that I do. I don't know if any of this makes sense. I'm jsut rambling becuase I need to get it out there. Maybe if I say these things, I'll feel better. Thanks.
I'm so sorry that you are feeling the way you are. Personally, I had a hard time after I lost my son, but it wasn't until the miscarriage after that I really had a hard time dealing with everything. It took me finally breaking down and going to see a counselor to help me start to feel better and figure out what I was doing to myself. I remember going to see her the first time and thinking, I feel so miserable, nothings going to help. After the first time, things felt a little better. It really helped for me to talk to someone else because as open as I am with my husband, I still wasn't telling him everything. Now, I can go talk there and then come home and talk to my husband about it. I think it helps to talk to someone that's removed from the situation. I still have bad days, but its getting better. I know its a hard decision, but please consider it. Also, know that you have a lot of caring people on this site.
I'm so sorry you are dealing with all of these difficult emotions and that they are making you feel so out of control. I do think that everything you have said is an important part of the grieving process. Unfortunately, knowing that does NOT make it any easier to deal with right now.
I realize that this is probably impossible, but is there any way you could go with your DH on his training trip? I know it depends a lot on how far away he's going and whether you can take the time off of work. But I also know that a lot of people travel with their spouses on business, so I just thought I'd suggest it in case you hadn't thought of it already. If you're really concerned about being alone for a week, this could be a good solution.
Great big cyber hugs to you. Your thoughts and feelings make perfect sense to me.
When I had just recently m/c'd it helped me to know that what I was going through was normal: I hope it helps you to know this. Grief is a very long and hard road, especially when we lose those closest to us.
I'm so glad your DH is being so supportive, and eventhough your relationship is new to the family there, I hope you can 'cross the bridge' -- that is, be able to let them know a little about what's going on for you. I was also very new to my family members here when it all happened the first time: we hardly knew each other, really (we'd moved from overseas in May 2002 and I lost our first angel baby that Dec.). The family were all very sweet and supportive -- they didn't say much at all, and I didn't want them to. But they enveloped me in their love which was very healing for all of us. You see, we all lost someone special when I m/c'd: my MIL & FIL lost their grandchild, my SIL & BIL lost her niece/nephew, etc. So being together and speaking openly about our sadness with each other was very helpful for us all. It also helped to form the basis of our relationships, as we got to know each other on a deeper level. There was nothing but love and support --no one's thoughts or emotions were minimized or trivialized. Our feelings are ours, and therefore they are real and valid. They don't have to make sense to anyone else (and they often don't).
But, if you feel you can't make this step with your new family, I totally agree with April about seeking out an "outsider" to talk with. I couldn't find a support group here (I live in a small town), but I did find a wonderful grief counsellor, Carol, and it really helped me to express myself to somebody who wasn't my friend or family member. I could just let it all out in Carol's office -- it was so cathartic. Also, she gave me some fresh, loving and helpful ideas and a renewed perspective on a totally horrific situation. She just let me be me, in the safety and privacy of her office. She also let me "own" my thoughts and emotions, and taught me that they were okay and that they were mine. Yours are totally okay too. Your thoughts and emotions make perfect sense to me.
I'm very grateful to Carol and my family. I'm also very grateful to the people here on this board. Please keep posting at this difficult time. We all care about you and we're going to help you through this.
I totally know what you mean. In many ways, I feel like I could have written your post months ago. Heck, I probably did write some of what's in your post months ago! Men grieve so differently than women. My DH and I, who generally get along well, had a major fight right outside of our church one Sunday not long after the loss. I told him I felt so alone, then he calmly asked how he could help, then I blew up and told him to grieve, then he blew up and told me he was sick of my talking about it all the time. We were so upset that we forgot where we were and it was so embarrassing. Even with all the bickering between him and I it was still less lonely to be around him than any of my friends or family. None of them had dealt with this kind of loss.
I also remember that I couldn't sleep when I was alone for the first couple weeks or more after the loss, not even on pain pills they had prescribed for me after the surgery. If I did nod off when I was home alone, than I would jolt awake from vicious nightmares. It was horrible and I was so exhausted.
It's been almost seven months since the loss and I'm still lonely too often and I'm just now considering new volunteer opportunities and social events.
Please know that you'll recover bit by bit and it will take more time than you can imagine. Counseling did a world of good for both my relationship for my DH and I and for our grieving process. We also created some grieving projects to do together like planting a memorial garden and making a baby book with letters written to our lost little one. Working together with him, or reading what he had written to our son, were the only times I felt like my DH and I were in this together.