I know today is going to suck. It all started out wrong. Before I had Zara I always did the ride-share thing to get to/from work. Well I have been getting into and leaving work early since I came back to work so that I would miss traffic and so I could drive in alone. today I needed to come in early so I picked up someone to drive in with me (we have to have 3 people in the car to take the HOV lanes). The lady I picked up I haven't seen since before Zara was born. Of course she asks me about the baby and was all excited until, of course, I told her what had happened and that my baby had died.
I had to sit in my car for a bit after I dropped her off so I would stop crying.
Why does life have to be this hard?
It was so hard for me to get up the courage this morning to come to work because all I want to do is stay in bed and be depressed and just not live, but then look what happens, I get hit with the questions.
Sorry I am totally rambling on here. I am just having a hard time dealing with life at the moment.
Oh, so sorry to hear about her asking, that is one of the hardest things to deal with on top of everything we're already dealing with. I KNOW how hard that is. I thought I had everyone I told covered - I had asked my 3 best friends to tell everyone who knew for me. They did a great job and it made things easier. But there were people they didn't tell since they didn't know they knew. And I got the question yesterday "oh, so I hear you're expecting!!" and I had to tell someone (over the phone thank goodness), that no, not anymore. She felt horrible and said "oh my god, me and my bad timing..." then we went on to talk, and she told me she'd been there before, it's amazing how many m/c stories come out when you start to talk about it. I ended up feeling bad for her for asking and having to find out this way!
Anyways, like you I had a good little cry/breakdown in my office after that. I drove home in a daze, feeling horrible and depressed and wondering how to keep going on. Then I woke up today and things were just a bit better. So life does go on, and it gets a tiny bit easier every day I think.
Is there any way you can get friends to tell people what happened so you don't have to? It makes it so much easier.
I know this is going to keep happening, but every time I still get so tongue tied. It's like I just don't know what to say. It is horrible seeing them so excited and then telling them and seeing everything change, their expressions, their body language, and I can see the thoughts that are running across their minds. I work with so many people and also I commute into work with different people. I will go months and then see someone that I only know from commuting. I am still getting emails asking me how my baby is because they don't know. I hate that I am the person that no one ever wants to be.
I miss my baby girl so much.