When your chldn hurt from the loss too...

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Krlauren's picture
Joined: 09/18/08
Posts: 125
When your chldn hurt from the loss too...

It can make it so much more painful! As a mother I feel the need to fix everything; every boo boo, every argument & hurt feelings. I just feel so helpless when I look at my 8yo and 6yo still hurting at times from the loss or our baby boy Reid. I just want to fix it and make the pain go away. I understand that is part of their healing and it needs to happen, I just hate to see them in pain, knowing how painful it can be myself. We are very open and listen to them, answer their questions and talk about what has happened. They talk about how happy they were to be able to see Reid and even hold him. I am glad they have those memories to hold. This baby was the whole focus of their lives, they had been wanting, wishing and praying for a baby sibling for years. My son who's 8 keeps asking me if I can take a pgcy test to see if I am pg again, he keeps sneaking a hand onto my now flat stomache. He came down from being in bed for 2 hours last night with tears in his eyes asking me if I can go to the dr's and see if they can do a test to find out if I will ever have another baby... then crying he tells me how he misses Reid. All of our baby things and maternity things have been stored away in our spare bedroom (what was the baby's room) and the door closed until dh and I could find it in us to go in and organize. I've caught my daughter who is 6 in there several times rummaging thru the baby things, once sitting on the floor crying holding one of Reids stuffed animals in her arms and telling me that Reid would have loved it. Gosh it's enough that dh and I have to hurt so much, it's not fair for my little ones to have to experience the pain too.

Anyone else dealing with trying to make sense of a loss with their older children?

CamelNoodle's picture
Joined: 07/28/04
Posts: 908

I'm sorry for your loss.

Our child was younger, but we still talk about his baby brother.

One book we got, which might be too young for your children was this.

http://www.amazon.com/Were-Gonna-Have-Angel-Instead/dp/0972424113

Even though it may be too young, maybe simplifying it would help them.

Joined: 03/16/15
Posts: 53852

I am in the process of divorcing my abusive husband. While the loss is not the same, my 4 year old has been sad about the "loss" of his dad not being home any more.
He was in counseling over the summer. They told me to be honest with him and not make up white lies to make things better. I encourage him to tell me how he is feeling and that nothing is his faults. Kids tend take all the blame when something bad happens.

It sounds like you are doing a great job with your children. It is hard to deal with the loss of the baby and also the pain you other children are going through. Hugs.

Joined: 01/25/02
Posts: 2023

Aw hugs to you and your kids. It breaks my heart. I have no wonderful advice, my kids did not know about our losses. Hugs and prayers!

Joined: 03/16/15
Posts: 53852
Tips

I am so sorry for your loss, and for the deep sadness in your family. You're right: it IS hard on the kids. Our youngest was too little to know of our losses (and I was early each time -- m/c's -- so didn't yet show). But our eldest knew, and she is still sad when she thinks about it (over 3 years after our last angel grew wings).

Yeah, it's tough and you (and your kids) have my heart.

My wonderful psychologist mother-in-law wrote an article you might find helpful: http://www.pilari.org/articles/9/1/How-do-I-break-the-news-to-my-other-children/Page1.html

Hope it helps. Please write in whenever you need to. We are your community.

We all care, and we're going to help you through this.

Bear hugs,
Nicole

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