Well, it's been a week since my m/c. It feels like a lot longer. I was surprised just now when I thought of the time frame. I feel like I've gone through a year's worth of hurt during this week.
Right now I am in a weird place. I am definitely a changed person. The other day I looked at the picture people signed at my wedding and I didn't recognize myself. I got upset and angry at the smiling woman, so full of hope and optimism, and I wanted to warn her of what was to come. The person I am now is depressed. Smiling feels fake now, when I used to love to smile. Laughing is not as easy as it used to be. The things that brought me joy no longer give me the same pleasure.
I had to start teaching this week. I am glad I have a purpose - to encourage and excite the new students I have - but I am sad that I am not the same teacher I was last year. Last year I was the "yes" teacher. I did everything 150%. I stayed until 10 o'clock some nights to finish the sets for our current production. Now, if it doesn't get done, it won't get done. I hardly have the will to play theater games with these students. I don't want to get out of bed in the morning.
The crying is done, but the grieving process is not. The irritation at life and the depression is exhausting. I don't like being this way. I am angry that the m/c made me this way! Not only does my body have to bleed, but so does my will to try new things and move forward. I feel like giving up most of the time. Like I said, I am glad I have a purpose, or I would be sitting in bed all day staring at the wall.
I feel so alone. Most of my friends can't even begin to understand this pain and I can't show them. They see the mask. I can't take it off for them or I fear I will explode.
*sigh* Thanks for "listening." If anyone understands, you ladies do. I take comfort in that.