Well, it's been a week since my m/c. It feels like a lot longer. I was surprised just now when I thought of the time frame. I feel like I've gone through a year's worth of hurt during this week.
Right now I am in a weird place. I am definitely a changed person. The other day I looked at the picture people signed at my wedding and I didn't recognize myself. I got upset and angry at the smiling woman, so full of hope and optimism, and I wanted to warn her of what was to come. The person I am now is depressed. Smiling feels fake now, when I used to love to smile. Laughing is not as easy as it used to be. The things that brought me joy no longer give me the same pleasure.
I had to start teaching this week. I am glad I have a purpose - to encourage and excite the new students I have - but I am sad that I am not the same teacher I was last year. Last year I was the "yes" teacher. I did everything 150%. I stayed until 10 o'clock some nights to finish the sets for our current production. Now, if it doesn't get done, it won't get done. I hardly have the will to play theater games with these students. I don't want to get out of bed in the morning.
The crying is done, but the grieving process is not. The irritation at life and the depression is exhausting. I don't like being this way. I am angry that the m/c made me this way! Not only does my body have to bleed, but so does my will to try new things and move forward. I feel like giving up most of the time. Like I said, I am glad I have a purpose, or I would be sitting in bed all day staring at the wall.
I feel so alone. Most of my friends can't even begin to understand this pain and I can't show them. They see the mask. I can't take it off for them or I fear I will explode.
*sigh* Thanks for "listening." If anyone understands, you ladies do. I take comfort in that.
I am so very sorry that you are going through this. I still go through many moments where I am angry at the world. I still get jealous of other women that have a child the age mine should be. I want to scream why them and not me? I am glad that you have a purpose. I cannot say how long the anger and depression and searing pain will last as it is different for everyone. The one month point seemed to be pivotal for me. I have a lot of anger right now, but that is a whole different story. Again, allow yourself to grieve and know that what you are feeling is not wrong in anyway. You are entitled to your feelings however they may present themselves. I pray that you find some peace.
I am so sorry for your loss. Unfortunately, the feelings are quite normal. Like Shelly said, how long it lasts varies by person. You may also have days where things seem to be going good and then you might have a bad day, that's normal as well.
I'm glad you have a purpose, I think that will be a big help in your healing process. It was for me. At the time of my miscarriage, my daughter was 2 1/2 and having her to care for made me feel like I had a reason to get up each morning.
I hope things start getting easier for you soon. A week is not very long, give it some more time and use this board as an outlet. The ladies here provide wonderful support.
hugs! I know what you mean. I have been depressed the last 2 weeks, just waiting and thinking and hurting, and not many to really understand. The few who know, not even really asking how I am, and that hurts more.
Like Teresa said, a purpose has helped me as well. I have been a non interactive mom, just looking on the computer and zoning, but know my kids deserve more than that, getting out and playing with them (however much I may not be into it) has really helped pull me out.
exercise is helping too. I am not an exerciser, at all, but have about 20lbs I need to get off, but once I started doing it, I am feeling a bit better.
I am not going to tell you it gets better with time or give you the stages of grieving. I am sure you realize some of this by now. Like you, I wear the mask too. It only comes off for hubby (much to his dismay), lol.
I most certainly can relate to the identity problems a MC can bring. I think for those of us that MC our very first pregnancy (I did, you did) we have an additional identity problem. Are we a 'mom'?...will we ever be a 'mom'?. We don't have young children to give us the reason for living. We may not question our ability to get pregnant but boy do we question our ability to STAY pregnant. To feel this way after just one MC may be premature and silly, but I know this is what goes through my mind.
If you have struggled with depression before (I have), I think your MC may hit you especially hard (it is me). I was unlucky, in that my identity had changed much in the last few months. The month I got pregnant, I just graduated nursing school (2nd career). I found out I was pregnant 2 days after accepting my first RN job ever. Everyone who is an RN knows how stressful that first year is and boy, only one month in I was being tested to the limits. Plus, I had just found out I was unexpectedly pregnant with my first child. EEEKK! Major anxiety. Fast forward a few weeks and I was under so much stress that hubby and I decided maybe I should wait to pursue my career as an RN. I was barely able to eat lunches everyday let alone stuff my face every 2 hours (I was starving). Plus, I had so much anxiety, I was so nervous all the time, we really felt that quitting was the best for my health (and baby) at the time. So, I quit. Two weeks later I found out my baby died at 7 weeks. My worst fear had come true. So, I will never know if it was not the extreme stress I was under. Poeple say not so, but.... Two of the changes I went through were positive changes, but still stress. In just a few short months, I was not a student anymore, not employed as an RN anymore, and most devastatingly, not pregnant anymore. I was not a student, not a professional, not a Mom. The only thing I felt like I still was was a wife....and THAT'S IT! I have struggled with what I like to call identity problems all my life, losing the baby was just the straw that broke the camels back. The last couple years I have suffered several major losses, deaths of immediate family members, pets,...so I know what you mean when you say you don't even feel like the same person. I am only a shell of who I was back in 2000. I look back to those days and really wonder who that person was and where did she go. Who am I now?
Losing the baby chewed me up and spit me out more than I ever thought possible. I don't know if I am pointing north or south. I could care less whether I eat, what I eat, when I wake up, if I wake up, ANYTHING. I almost feel devoid That is the only way I can put it. Happy feelings are few and far between and I spend most my time wondering if I will ever have the life I was meant to have, and BTW, what is that life? Now, because of recent events, I wonder whether I should go back to my career (when I am not 100% sure I even like it enough) and not TTC, whether I should TTC ASAP and postpone career, whether I should maybe NEVER have kids....my point is I feel like I don't know anything anymore. I didn't plan getting pregnant, but when it happened I was scared beyond belief but it just felt right!!! I thought "now THIS is my purpose". And of course, it wasn't. At least not right now. That was hard. Heck, that IS hard. Maybe you can relate to some of these feelings.
And right now, to top it all off, I even lost my normal menstrual cycle. I lost the relationship I had with my own body!!! I mean, how could you NOT be angry over these things!
When people ask how I am feeling I try to explain to them that I am just trying to "get my bearings". My life changed 100% in just a few short months and it is going to take a while even to feel stable! Right now, I am trying to stay with the decision to make NO DECISIONS and just BE. Very difficult, but I am trying to just take care of myself right now, make more good decisions concerning my health than bad ones (ie, exercise 1x/week rather than drink alcohol every night), and just put one foot in front of another. Sometimes that is all you can do!
I have scheduled more hours at my job simply because I think staying busy does help some. Keeps you from excessively ruminating..As long as you are not avoiding.
For your FYI, many of the symptoms I am describing are those of Major Depressive Disorder and I have been dianosed as having such both in the past and now, so keep an eye out for that. Because this MC had such a huge impact on me I am seriously considering postponing TTC to take medication. Our mental health has to be priority too. So just keep an eye out.. (right now I am just waiting for that b&!$# Aunt Flo, lol)
I hope this helps and isn't some crazed rambling...
You are so understanding. I need to be reminded of my timeframes. It's now been almost two weeks and tonight I realized again that I am depressed. Tonight was different, though. The feelings I hid came out in a rush of uncontrollable sobbing. I am now pretty numb again, but it was nice to feel something. The release was great.
I know things will get better someday, but for now they are not. It's nice to know that that is okay.