Who has "shoulda been" days?

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Jessa_2213's picture
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Who has "shoulda been" days?

Because today is one of those for me. One of those days where everything hits you just right to make you think about what "should be" right now. Like this morning I was looking in my closet to get dressed, today is one of the first days its starting to get warmer so I was in the back with my summer clothes, and all of a sudden I'm just staring at this purple maternity shirt...one that I bought for right about this time, for a day just like this. A beautiful day in spring where I should be about 30 weeks pg, but no instead this shirt is hanging dust covered and sad in the back of my closet...never worn.
It just made me think about where I should be right now...if everything had gone 'right'. If I still had my baby girl...
Oh and I found out the DH's graduation date has been moved...to May 8th. The day Alana was supposed to be born, it made me so angry when I found out, because the first thing I thought when I heard that was "he won't be here to see her born!" and then I realized, "it doesn't matter now...that day isn't special anymore, because she won't be born." Its been...god, 5 months and somedays I still think she's okay, somedays I still feel like we're going to have her.

Today is just another one of those 'shoulda been' days. Where I look down and see 10 extra pounds on my used to be flat tummy and think "its all for nothing, but cause I got nothing out of it". I wish today I was looking down at my round baby belly and talking to my little girl...I wish I was putting finishing touches on the nursery...I wish I was counting days until DH comes home to our perfect little family.
Instead I'm alone, sitting in a Panera, dreaming about what should have been and wishing that it still was. This is just another day where I wish things had turned out different.

I know you girls understand....but I still wish these days didn't exist.

Love to all
~Jessa~
Mommy to 2 angels.

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Hi

I'm so sorry for your loss hunny. I miss my girl all the time and we lost her in 2005. I still get those days, I guess we always will. The only solution is to try and remember they do pass. There will be good days again, there just will always be bad ones too.

Sending hugs to you and hope you are feeling a little lighter now.
xxx

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{{{{hugs}}}} Yes,I have those days,I think we all do.I know it seems so unfair,and it is.Just know we are here for your bad days

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"Jessa_2213" wrote:

Today is just another one of those 'shoulda been' days. Where I look down and see 10 extra pounds on my used to be flat tummy and think "its all for nothing, but cause I got nothing out of it".
I know you girls understand....but I still wish these days didn't exist.

My loss is still pretty fresh in my mind - so yes, I hear you! I have a few things coming up on the calendar that I thought were supposed to be "I can't wait to announce my pg to so-and-so at the dinner dance". But, what you mentioned above, the belly fat with nothing to show for it? I'm a personal trainer and I haven't been to the gym since I got pg because of the fear of doing something I shouldn't as well as the fact that the pg drained the heck out of me. Now I have to go back and get myself back into shape along side those I train. My mind is not into it. I'm sad when I think of what 'should've been', but I get so angry when I look at my 'flabby' stomach. It's a constant reminder. {{{HUGS}}}

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"svu6313" wrote:

My loss is still pretty fresh in my mind - so yes, I hear you! I have a few things coming up on the calendar that I thought were supposed to be "I can't wait to announce my pg to so-and-so at the dinner dance". But, what you mentioned above, the belly fat with nothing to show for it? I'm a personal trainer and I haven't been to the gym since I got pg because of the fear of doing something I shouldn't as well as the fact that the pg drained the heck out of me. Now I have to go back and get myself back into shape along side those I train. My mind is not into it. I'm sad when I think of what 'should've been', but I get so angry when I look at my 'flabby' stomach. It's a constant reminder. {{{HUGS}}}

OMG! I can totally relate to that! I thought that I was the only one! Every single time I look in the mirror I think about my empty womb. Every time I step on the scale I think about my loss. Will those extra pounds ever go away? Will I have this reminder of my angel baby forever?

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I found 2 pairs of maternity capris that were on clearance and were wicked cute, my size, and wicked cheap!! I NEVER buys stuff in the first trimester!! I bought these. THen I too lost my baby!! I never got to wear them. I know I would be telling everyone now that we were having another baby. I would be getting ready for my cerclage. Its awful!! Im so very sorry you are going through this. I wouldnt wish this pain on my worst enemy, let alone myself, or any of you fine ladies on this board!! (((HUGS)))

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I lost my first angel, Quinn, in Feb. 2001. Still having those moments. So sorry.....big hugs.

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Hi Jessa

You're right, sweetheart. Losing our angel babies is so incredibly horrible. But as if that isn't bad enough, we re-live it all with the reminders you bravely wrote about. That's because we lost our dream and our hope as well (at least for now). There's a lot to it all -- grief is complicated, and our grief is widely misunderstood and unimaginable (by those who have never 'been there'). That's why I'm really glad you wrote here about it, because the awesome people on this board completely understand. And we care about you too.

We all have our own ways of coping and trying to push ourselves through the grief. All I can do is pass on what's worked for me, to share my experience with you. For me, I have such a memory for numbers, dates, etc -- very useful in many aspects of life, but they sure plague me in my grief. Dec. 11th is particularly horrible for me: we lost Alex (in 2002) and Kim (in 2005) on that same date. So it's a real bummer when that anniversary rolls around. But personally, I handle that day pretty well, because I now anticipate it -- I know it's going to come anyway, so I prepare myself. I plan something really special for that day, and then I do it -- a massage, a facial, a new book, lunch with my best friend, a movie, a beautiful, scenic walk, etc. If money's tight that's okay -- I get the book from the library, or invite my friend over for lunch. I just do something special for me, on those days I'd rather forget about. This really helps me a lot. Maybe you want to try it...

Also just speaking for me, I had to get rid of every last physical reminder: the maternity clothes, baby books, medical reports.... everything. I also became crazy about the gym --at first I thought I was too tired for it, but (in my case) that tiredness was due to depression. I learned from the trainer, and then experienced for myself, that the brain releases those feel-good chemicals (endorphins) when we work out. So I felt better emotionally, and also lost the physical reminder of my wobbly belly. [I'm still "cuddly" so to speak, but I like it that way -- I'm not buff, to say the least!].

So these are just things that worked for me when I felt plagued by "one of those days". Maybe these strategies can work for you too, which is why I've shared them.

Most importantly, Jessa, know that you are very much cared about here by people on this board who really understand. I encourage you to keep writing here -- it's so healing. When I lost our first angel, Alex, I was overcome with grief. Then I tried everything -- grief counselling to seeing a psychologist, journalling, creating a memorial, planting a tree for Alex, etc etc etc. Lots of things. Then we lost our other angels, and it was really hard -- it went just like 'bang', 'bang', 'bang', you know? I felt like I was in the boxing ring of life, and having my butt kicked. And I was struggling just to keep going: to work, to be a loving wife and friend, etc etc. Everything was so hard. Until I found this website in April 2006. Participating here -- sharing love and hope when I can; and sharing my 'hard days" when they happen -- has helped me much, much more than anything else I've tried. Really! So please keep on sharing your 'hard days' with us, Jessa -- it will get better, you'll see.

Take it easy.
Hugs,
Nicole

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I have those days too. I especially have a hard time with them at the end of each month. I am sorry that you had a really hard time of it today.

I am sending you :bigarmhug:

Shelly

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I have those days a lot. I was just thinking earlier that Savannah would be 6 months old on the 29th.

I'm sorry you're having a rough day.

Karen

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I can't even talk about it, I had one of those days today and it's why I'm not asleep right now. More than anything, I don't want to have dreams.

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I know exactly what you mean hun. I have those days all the time. My sister who is 11 weeks pg now, called to ask if she could borrow some of my maternity clothes, as she is really struggling for money. As I packed up a couple of bits I just felt sooooo sad. I should be wearing them now!!! Im so sorry you are having a sad day, we all understand and are thinking of you.

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Thank you sooo much for sharing. I was just about to start a similar thread myself! Not that long ago there was a baby shower across the hall from my office (in another company, thank goodness) and all I could think, as they carried the cake in and hung the decorations, is that it should have been me. I had the weirdest impulse to go so far as to buy myself a cake on the way home and eat the whole thing myself, LOL, although I didn't. I just went about my day like normal and felt so lousy.

My baby's due date would have been May 4 and my husband is leaving for that week for a work conference--the week between the due date and Mother's Day. Oh, man, that week is going to be horrible and he won't be here to share. I already know I'm going to be eating ice cream for dinner and watching chick flicks in my pjs every night.

One thing that did help me for awhile was planning a fun vacation for just the two of us, something we couldn't enjoy if I was still pregnant. We went on a cruise and did the more adventurous excursions that weren't allowed to pregnant women. Now I'm pouring my energy into making the scrapbook for the trip. I know not everyone can go on a cruise but there is usually something like a camping trip that is possible.

Now, though, that the trip is over, I'm falling hard into the would-have-beens. Two more friends just got pregnant with their first and one of them had a miscarriage at the same time as me. She was the only one who understood. Another friend just gave birth to her second. Now I am alone in a sea of new babies and pregnancies and I don't have much to look forward to. I'm getting more depressed then ever.

Thanks for sharing! We understand so well.