Because today is one of those for me. One of those days where everything hits you just right to make you think about what "should be" right now. Like this morning I was looking in my closet to get dressed, today is one of the first days its starting to get warmer so I was in the back with my summer clothes, and all of a sudden I'm just staring at this purple maternity shirt...one that I bought for right about this time, for a day just like this. A beautiful day in spring where I should be about 30 weeks pg, but no instead this shirt is hanging dust covered and sad in the back of my closet...never worn.
It just made me think about where I should be right now...if everything had gone 'right'. If I still had my baby girl...
Oh and I found out the DH's graduation date has been moved...to May 8th. The day Alana was supposed to be born, it made me so angry when I found out, because the first thing I thought when I heard that was "he won't be here to see her born!" and then I realized, "it doesn't matter now...that day isn't special anymore, because she won't be born." Its been...god, 5 months and somedays I still think she's okay, somedays I still feel like we're going to have her.
Today is just another one of those 'shoulda been' days. Where I look down and see 10 extra pounds on my used to be flat tummy and think "its all for nothing, but cause I got nothing out of it". I wish today I was looking down at my round baby belly and talking to my little girl...I wish I was putting finishing touches on the nursery...I wish I was counting days until DH comes home to our perfect little family.
Instead I'm alone, sitting in a Panera, dreaming about what should have been and wishing that it still was. This is just another day where I wish things had turned out different.
I know you girls understand....but I still wish these days didn't exist.
Love to all
Mommy to 2 angels.