I am sorry guys, this is half angry, half sad, half hopeful.... I don't want anyone to get upset by my feelings especially if you have also had multiple loss but I am hoping someone can validate these awful feelings.
The first time around losing my precious baby at 13 weeks was tough. I cried for days and weeks but it seemed I made some progress a lot quicker than this time around. I do not understand it. The loss this time was at 7 weeks (blighted ovum). I cried for a day and then I just went numb. It would have thought the loss would be easier (less time being pregnant... more aware of the risks etc etc) yet for some reason I just can't get anywhere with these feelings. I can't accept that pregnancy is just a scientific process where things go wrong. I sometimes feel like why should I try again if I am just going to have more losses and lose more of my babies. I do not want to have these multiple m/c siggys below my name. It just seems so unfair that it could happen once, never mind twice and I can't even imagine another but it feels like it's inevitable and I will never succeed at this.
I am 26 years old. It feels like I am too young to be experiencing these problems. I see basically kids carrying their babies to term while not taking care of themselves and lots of other pregnant women destroying their bodies but still having beautiful babies. So I ask why me? What have I done in my life to deserve this? Or better yet, what did I do that could have made this happen. Am I responsible some how?
Some days I flip flop. One day I feel like everythings going to work out and I concentrate on waiting my time to ttc. The world is going to be great and we're going to have a new baby. Other days it feels like my life is over and I don't want to live like this anymore, some days I just exist and try not to think these thoughts and other days I tell myself I am just not meant to be a mom.
Last time I spent some time on these boards. Somehow I was able to be positive for the others on this board. I was able to see a silver lining on the clouds. This time I feel so secluded and unable to offer support to anyone even my dear husband who tries to make me laugh and can't understand why I don't.
Thanks for letting me vent for a minute.