why the 2nd time around hurts so much (coping w/ multi m/c)
I am sorry guys, this is half angry, half sad, half hopeful.... I don't want anyone to get upset by my feelings especially if you have also had multiple loss but I am hoping someone can validate these awful feelings.
The first time around losing my precious baby at 13 weeks was tough. I cried for days and weeks but it seemed I made some progress a lot quicker than this time around. I do not understand it. The loss this time was at 7 weeks (blighted ovum). I cried for a day and then I just went numb. It would have thought the loss would be easier (less time being pregnant... more aware of the risks etc etc) yet for some reason I just can't get anywhere with these feelings. I can't accept that pregnancy is just a scientific process where things go wrong. I sometimes feel like why should I try again if I am just going to have more losses and lose more of my babies. I do not want to have these multiple m/c siggys below my name. It just seems so unfair that it could happen once, never mind twice and I can't even imagine another but it feels like it's inevitable and I will never succeed at this.
I am 26 years old. It feels like I am too young to be experiencing these problems. I see basically kids carrying their babies to term while not taking care of themselves and lots of other pregnant women destroying their bodies but still having beautiful babies. So I ask why me? What have I done in my life to deserve this? Or better yet, what did I do that could have made this happen. Am I responsible some how?
Some days I flip flop. One day I feel like everythings going to work out and I concentrate on waiting my time to ttc. The world is going to be great and we're going to have a new baby. Other days it feels like my life is over and I don't want to live like this anymore, some days I just exist and try not to think these thoughts and other days I tell myself I am just not meant to be a mom.
Last time I spent some time on these boards. Somehow I was able to be positive for the others on this board. I was able to see a silver lining on the clouds. This time I feel so secluded and unable to offer support to anyone even my dear husband who tries to make me laugh and can't understand why I don't.
I am so sorry for your loss. I recently lost my baby boy due to still birth and many of the questions that you mentioned are running rampant through my brain. I have no wonderful words of wisdom to share. I do have empathy for your pain and suffering. I hope that you will be able to find the peace within yourself that you deserve.
I just wanted to say that everything you wrote is exactly what I feel as well. There are days and times that I feel positive and move on, then there are days that I don't. I don't have much words of encourgement, but just wanted to say I am right there feeling the same thing. I will be thinking about you during this time as well.
I am so sorry for your losses. Like you, I have had two m/c's and the 2nd was sooooooo much more difficult to deal with. After the first, I somehow convinced myself that it was a fluke, don't get me wrong, I grieved very deeply, but seemed to recover quicker. The 2nd was just devastating, especially since we had seen the heartbeat at 8 weeks, only to go back 3 weeks later and no heartbeat. My initial reaction was that there was obviously something wrong with me, but through the help of the ladies on this board, I know that is incorrect. I went through all the testing, all along thinking "they're not going to find anything, and even if they do, how do they know that's what caused the m/c's". I've since been diagnosed with hypothyroidism, but still in the back of my mind I'm thinking, what if this wasn't the cause, what if they missed something, I just can't go through another loss. But, the ladies on this board and the PAL board are my inspiration and my DH is my strength to go on. There is not a day that goes by that I don't think about my losses, but it does get better with the passage of time. My last was in Feb'07 and I think I cried almost every day for about 2-3 months. I do occasionally cry now, but I think it's more because I'm scared to TTC again, scared to go in for an ultrasound and see no heartbeat. You are not alone, so please continue to visit the board and express your feelings, keeping it all bottled up has come back to haunt me, so I cry when I want to and post to the boards to gain more strength from all of those who have gone through the same.
Moderator of the pregnancy and infant loss support board
I am so sorry....I wish that there was some way to look into the future...to tell you this won't happen again...
I won't tell you it gets any easier...All my losses hit me very hard...That said, there were two that were especially difficult for me to accept....My third loss, cause I was always told two could be normal (ya right) And my twins, last December...why both of them
Hold onto the fact that you still have all the testing to go through....You may get some answers...I hope you do. And if you do, I hope whatever is found is simple to treat...
I hope you will never have to go through another loss again