why can't I get over it..

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lioness4's picture
Joined: 04/30/06
Posts: 366
why can't I get over it..

I am such a fraud..I judge my mom for grieving over losing her low life cheating hubby to another woman for 1.5 yrs but here I am still grieving the babies I lost and know nothing about...all I can call them are my angels...which when I explain why I am crying over a song and answer with"it reminds me of my angels." it sounds pathetic to most ppl...I lost my twins and my blighted ovum almost 3-4 yrs ago and lost a chemical pregnancy 1 yr ago yet the songs and thoughts still inspire a tear or more...people who have babies with no issues no miscarriages still strike up the pain and what did I do so wrongs....sigh:confused:
I don't think I allowed my self to grieve properly...mostly due to no-one to really talk with...most ppl dont wish to be discomforted with talk about miscarriages..
I am both saddened and confused...why can't I just be happy with what my life has provided to me and just move on????

Joined: 03/16/15
Posts: 53852

I am sorry for all your losses. I do not think we ever get over a loss, we get through it. It will always be a part of who you are. Have you seen a counselor?
I encourage you to keep posting your feelings here. Knowing you are not alone will help you heal.

MissyJ's picture
Joined: 01/31/02
Posts: 3212

I'm going to agree with Missy.

You are correct that most likely a lot of the "stalling" (for lack of a better term) in your healing is that you haven't had an outlet. If counseling or pregnancy grief support is not an option (or even if it is!) please DO continue to post and talk here. I have found it so very important to be able to connect with others that have 'btdt". As you noted, others that haven't been down this road are often not able to really relate and THAT understanding can be so key in being able to feel some sense of validation of your feelings and journey.

Others here can have empathy without feeling the need to "fix" as we know that there is no real *fix* available. We can grasp the fact that those songs, trigger dates, and a myriad of other things can bring up emotions that you really thought you had a grasp on. (Do know however that it really isn't a sign of any sort of *failure* if you do shed some tears. There just are those things that cause that. ((((HUGS)))))

Also, well, sometimes we may just need to cry without having a clear understanding... or maybe irritated without really being able to pinpoint on "why" until we *remember*.. then it is that "aha!" moment. :roll:

This journey doesn't have time constraints. Think of it as two steps forward; three and even five back at times. Still, the important part is to continue to pick yourself up; reach out; and begin moving forward again. We're here to share along the way.

~Missy

lioness4's picture
Joined: 04/30/06
Posts: 366

Yes...I did go to counseling for a brief time...it felt good but their is this feeling deep inside..like a yearning to let ppl know it hurts to lose a baby and that miscarriages arent something to be ashamed of or to push under the rug....
Can you believe the term"Miscarriage of justice" T's me off!?
Its like using the word Rape to describe something other then the act its self...

Joined: 01/25/02
Posts: 2023

Hugs! I too hate that somehow it is not socially acceptable to talk about miscarriage and that ppl clam right up when I get brave enough to bring it up.

Getting personal here, but with my last loss my husband gave me a blessing, and in it he said that I should talk to other ppl about miscarriage and help them. And I was thinking, um, heck no! The first time I told very few ppl about it, and I was not planning on doing it any different this time.. but then I realized how much I hate not being able to talk about it, it does happen all the time, it is devastating, and so many ppl have no idea because everyone continues to not talk about it.

Since then I have reached out to a few ppl that I knew had losses, and I have also put myself out there, let myself be vulnerable, and mostly I have been very pleased. A few times I have gotten stupid comments or what not, but mostly, I have been pleased. I am still not brave enough to talk about it all the time, but I figure the more we all talk about our feelings, the less taboo it will become. I hope, because it sucks to not be able to say you are sad about it, no matter how many years later.

lioness4's picture
Joined: 04/30/06
Posts: 366

you guys have been very wonderful....I owuld love to be able to support someone in real life that had a m/c but no-one has!!! not for like 20 yrs!!!!! I am the only one I know of with"Pregnancy issues!"

Joined: 03/16/15
Posts: 53852

Racheal,

Good for you for reaching out to people. One in four women suffer a loss, most feel like they need to pick up and move on without having a second thoght. It is something that never leaves us and leaves footprints on our hearts.

MissyJ's picture
Joined: 01/31/02
Posts: 3212

"Ma2bluecrew" wrote:

you guys have been very wonderful....I owuld love to be able to support someone in real life that had a m/c but no-one has!!! not for like 20 yrs!!!!! I am the only one I know of with"Pregnancy issues!"

Have you thought about reaching out / volunteering with groups in your area? As Missy shared, this is unfortunately way too common and there is (as you know!) a real craving... a need.. for support as others seek that path of healing.

There are a number of ways that you can connect with women that have experienced a loss. You may be able to connect with a pregnancy & infant loss support group through a local hospital. Another source is your midwife or ob/gyn. If you prefer to remain more "anonymous" you can leave flyers/brochures inviting others to join here to discuss their journeys. If you belong to a particular religious affiliation, you may research to see if they have a support group specifically for women dealing with this type of loss. (Most do not -- but we *can* help offer some tips on how to start one!) Counseling is a wonderful tool for some women (my thought is that you have to find a counselor that *fits* you!) With this type of grief however, I've found that the peer to peer aspect is one that helps so very much. I believe that this is because it helps to see / hear from others that truly DO understand with their "been there, done that" grasp of the situation. There is no need for a long explanation or trying to "justify" feelings. Those that have experienced this type of unique (according to the *world*) grief process, just "get it!"

Maybe take this as the nudge you need to help you move into the next phase of your journey. Let us know if you need more information or suggestions!

All the best!
~Missy

Joined: 01/25/02
Posts: 2023

Unfortunately you probably do know ppl that have experienced it, but no one talks about it, but I agree with both Missy's talking about it does help, and maybe some of the ways that MissyJ listed are ways that you could help and find others who have unfortunately btdt. Hugs, and please vent here anytime! Smile

SparkIris's picture
Joined: 12/22/06
Posts: 35

:lurk:

I would look at meetup.com. They don't have any in my area, but there are pregnancy loss meetup groups, possibly near you. It would be worth a try.

MissyJ's picture
Joined: 01/31/02
Posts: 3212

Great suggestion Rebecca. Thanks for sharing that. Smile

~Missy