Why does it have to be this hard?? :(

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northern.gina's picture
Last seen: 7 years 3 months ago
Joined: 06/23/09
Posts: 3
Why does it have to be this hard?? :(

I am in the process of miscarrying my baby naturally, as I type. This is our fourth child and first miscarriage. I never ever imagined it will be this hard and heartbreaking especially after having three healthy children..My heart is breaking and I don't know how to survive and how life can go on from here on out.
We were only 8 weeks, it should be easier, and it's not :((((((((

Yesterday, for some reason was so much easier. I kept taking Vicodin to ease the physical pain...it really didn't do anything for the pain but it dulled my heartache. I was able to sleep most of the day without thinking too much.

Today my physical pain is less so I went on without taking it...and reality hit me. I no longer have my baby with me...where I am exactly in the m/c process I don't know...but he's no longer within me and it kills me Sad

To make matters worse, my beloved sweet SIL is in labor with her baby and he can arrive any moment now. I love her, she deserved the baby and I prayed for her all along (she had her own losses..)..
but I just can't take it right now that anybody's giving birth right now while I am miscarrying mine :(((((((

And then there's my mother.
Our relationship is not the best but she blindly refuses to see it - or admit it that it's mainly because of her pushy behavior and not accepting me as an adult, my relationship, my husband.

She proceeds to say such a thing: "I was SOOOO hoping that this baby will survive, despite of the bad signs (my hormone levels etc.) I suppose you were hoping a bit too"..

I mean, how can a mother say such a thing??! That she was hoping so desperately, and I - the mother of my own baby - was probably hoping a bit too...Hoping a bit???!! I was the mother of this child and suffered through these weeks emotionally and physically, where we hoped and prayed 24/7 for this baby to survive...but nope, my mother was the one who hoped and prayed for this baby the most, and we..well we perhaps hoped a bit too..

I don't know I am a fairly calm and nice person but this is turning me into a monster..I hate everyone..I am mad at everyone who doesn't understand, who's able to say things like "oh bummer" when they hear that the baby died, or "oh maybe next time" - why don't they understand that there is no next time for this child, because he was unique and one of a kind..

Please ladies tell me it's going to get better and the pain will fade with time..In reality I don't want it to fade..I want to hurt, and I want everyone to hurt with me Sad I don't want friends talking about cute ultrasound pictures of other friends, I don't want people talk about our "next baby" that we'll probably have..

I dont know..I am so sorry for venting but noone understands and I just can't bottle it up. I love my husband to death but even he doesn't understand..I know he's hurting a lot but even he says life must go on........I don't want it to go on :((((((((( Is this normal at all? Sad I am afraid I'm losing it Sad

northern.gina's picture
Last seen: 7 years 3 months ago
Joined: 06/23/09
Posts: 3

..and to top off everything I've just learned that my beloved SIL and BIL stole our boy name Sad for their newborn. Can it get any worse?????

Last seen: 1 year 7 months ago
Joined: 03/16/15
Posts: 53852

I am so sorry for your loss. Everything you are feeling and saying are perfectly normal. I have had 3 miscarriages. 1 at 16 weeks and 2 at 5 weeks. It does get better in time. There is no timeline on grief so give yourself time to feel. You will have some "good" days and then the grief will hit you again. You are NOT losing it, you are a grieving mother and you have the right to feel the way you do.

I hope in time you will heal both physically and emotionally. Rant/vent here whenever you feel the need. The ladies on here are wonderful.

I am sorry that your mother just doesn't understand. No one would unless they have experienced a miscarriage too.

Hugs to you and your family

Last seen: 4 years 1 month ago
Joined: 10/05/06
Posts: 40

I'm so sorry for your loss. From the minute you find out your pregnant, you start to hope and dream about the little life growing inside of you and to have those hopes and dreams crushed, no matter at what point in the pregnancy, is so very heartbreaking.

What you're feeling and thinking is all so very normal. I couldn't bring myself to attend a 1st b-day party for our friends' son 4 weeks after our DD passed away during the 20th wk of my pregnancy. It was just too much. I couldn't help but think that I would never be able to celebrate my baby's 1st birthday so I can understand your feelings toward your in-laws and their new baby right now and I think it's normal to feel that way for a period of time.

I was very honest and open with everyone about how I was feeling and I think it made them better understand my decisions about parties, visits and discussions (mainly about God and how it was his will, his plan, etc - I hated those comments and told people as much if they brought them up). Everyone respected my boundries. I hope you find some peace and comfort in the coming here to share your feelings.

- Heidi

HarleyGurl's picture
Last seen: 3 years 4 months ago
Joined: 12/01/08
Posts: 373

I'm soooo sorry you are going thru this. My heart goes out to you and your dh. I just had a m/c almost two weeks ago Weds it's really hard.

WhiteWolf68's picture
Last seen: 2 years 10 months ago
Joined: 02/06/09
Posts: 505

I totally understand, it's hard...very hard. Sad Losses are never easy, nope, not one tad bit. All we can do is keep moving forward, taking it one day at a time, try to find the happy bits even if remote or small at the moment. Each day that passes, things get better but hope is something hard to hold onto but it's all we got left. The hope that one will be pregnant again and that will result in a birth and not a loss. Probably rambling a bit but today I had a breakdown myself over my recent loss.

Vent away all you want... :bigarmhug:


Last seen: 1 year 7 months ago
Joined: 03/16/15
Posts: 53852

You are so right....hope is all we have left. The question is...How do we hold onto hope after all the dissppointments?

Sorry to hijack your thread but I am having a break down this morning and I am very frustarated with things.


kerina313's picture
Last seen: 3 years 3 months ago
Joined: 09/10/05
Posts: 60

Sorry about the name being taken - however, maybe they wanted to honor the loss - or they liked the name too. You never know in families.

As far as the rest - my mother puts her foot in her mouth A LOT with me. I had a m/c in Jan 08 and got pregnant in Oct 08 and my mother told me she "hoped" I wouldn't so something to m/c again. Like I did anything to cause a m/c in Jan. Then she told me after we had a scan and told them there were issues - you know I don't think you guys should have any more kids. Then when we told them Sarah had Trisomy - I think you guys should adopt.

I'm afraid to say - those comments will never stop. You'll either have to put up with them or go at them setting boundaries. It will depend on how you want them to react to you later. Me, I choose to ignore her comments. I know my mother means well - but she has no filter on her mouth sometimes.

Time will heal the losses. You won't ever forget - but you will move on and you should. But take your time to grieve. Losses are interesting for us mothers - because not only are we losing a life we were carrying - our bodies are going through a lot of changes which makes the loss worse in someways.

I speak from experience. I've had 4 m/c, one living child with health issues, and one child that was born with Trisomy 18 and died 2 days after she was born. I'm going on 2 months of her being gone and I have moments where I'm a complete mess and other days where I'm "almost normal".

Take the joy in the children you do have. I know that's what's gotten me through these past couple of months.

Robin - hope is what you make of it. I'm a true believer of positive thinking will bring positive results. It may not be what you thought it should be - but down the line when you look back you'll find yourself going.. ohhhh. I know it's hard to be positive when you're feeling so bad. To give you an example - I had 3 m/c before my daughter Em was born. I look back and see that I did get pregnant - but something cause the m/c. Whether it was me stretching wrong that tore or something within the baby that made it m/c. It made the pregnancy with Em that much more wonderful and terrifying. Wonderful that I was enjoying every moment of the pregnancy - but terrifying it would go away like the others.

I hope that we all draw strength from each other here.. so we can deal with the "crazies" in our RL.


aunt_freya's picture
Last seen: 3 years 6 months ago
Joined: 02/07/09
Posts: 213

I will say that for me as the physical signs of the m/c lessened so did the purely overwhelming feelings of grief. You don't want to forget--that will always be your baby that you loved & hoped for from the second you thought you might be pregnant. But, a woman's body is an amazing thing. As the bleeding tapers off and the hormones get back to normal, you do realize life moves on and you move on with it...

Of course, should you chose to TTC, you will be filled with a whole different world of worries now that you have experienced this loss. It is bittersweet to be so full of hope & so full of sadness about what couldn't be...

And, yes, the insensitive comments will continue... I think my sister pulled a, "You'll understand when you're a mom..." in the week following my m/c. I wish I had witty retorts for all of them, but they are so shocking when they happen. You do wonder why people can't simply say I'm sorry" and leave it at that...

Last seen: 6 years 9 months ago
Joined: 05/12/09
Posts: 86

I'm so sorry for your loss, I know it hurts deeply. Time will bring healing, slow at first and each day seems like an eternity. I just hit six months. I haven't stopped hurting, but there are more good days than there are bad days. Some things trigger the hurt to come back. I was in line at the grocery with a woman behind me, heavily pregnant, with a shirt that read "Yes I'm pregnant. It's a girl. I'm due in September. No you cannot touch my belly". I was carrying a girl, and I was due in September. But most days are good days, although there isn't a day that I don't think of my baby.
People say stupid things when they feel awkward or don't know how to react but want to help. They don't realize that they are not being helpful, that they are in fact hurting you. I choose to think the best of them (most of them anyways), and believe that they are ignorant of the pain that they are causing and really mean well. The loss of a pregnancy is very awkward and most people don't know how to treat it.
I didn't. I had a friend and coworker who had a third trimester fetal death. I volunteered to be the one to go to the hallmark store and get a card for all of us to sign and send off. While at the store I stood there wondering if I should get the card that read something like "sorry for the loss of your child" or not. Should I treat this as a loss of a child? Did they think of it as a child? I finally ended up getting a card that was generic sorry for your loss, know that your friends are here for you. But I didn't know how to act.
It's not something that you can really understand unless you've gone through it, horrible as it is. I think the grief that comes from the loss of a pregnancy is a special one, not the typical grief from the loss of a loved one. And it cannot be understood by anyone who has not gone through it.
Share here, we've all gone through it and are at different stages of grieving and healing. Hopefully we can all help each other through what we understand.

Last seen: 6 years 1 week ago
Joined: 06/11/09
Posts: 15

I am so, so sorry for your loss...and glad you found this board for support. We just lost our 3rd pregnancy (1st was at 9.5wks, 2nd at 6.5, this one at 11.5) and they all have hurt so much. And no, no matter how well meaning, no one 'gets it' unless they've been through it. It is so hard when it is family and your head knows they're trying to support you, but the words coming out of their mouths are just SO wrong!! Please vent on here - I think most of us have had really stupid things said to us, and we do 'get it.' I just found this board last week and am already grateful for seeing parts of my story in others...it helps to lessen the loneliness of miscarriage. Also, remember that those first few weeks your hormones are in a freefall and you ARE grieving...it is a tough combo and is hard to pull out of...give yourself time and know that your feelings sound similar to a lot of the previous posters...aka normal for what we're going through.:bigarmhug: