Why does it have to be this hard?? :(
I am in the process of miscarrying my baby naturally, as I type. This is our fourth child and first miscarriage. I never ever imagined it will be this hard and heartbreaking especially after having three healthy children..My heart is breaking and I don't know how to survive and how life can go on from here on out.
We were only 8 weeks, it should be easier, and it's not :((((((((
Yesterday, for some reason was so much easier. I kept taking Vicodin to ease the physical pain...it really didn't do anything for the pain but it dulled my heartache. I was able to sleep most of the day without thinking too much.
Today my physical pain is less so I went on without taking it...and reality hit me. I no longer have my baby with me...where I am exactly in the m/c process I don't know...but he's no longer within me and it kills me :(
To make matters worse, my beloved sweet SIL is in labor with her baby and he can arrive any moment now. I love her, she deserved the baby and I prayed for her all along (she had her own losses..)..
but I just can't take it right now that anybody's giving birth right now while I am miscarrying mine :(((((((
And then there's my mother.
Our relationship is not the best but she blindly refuses to see it - or admit it that it's mainly because of her pushy behavior and not accepting me as an adult, my relationship, my husband.
She proceeds to say such a thing: "I was SOOOO hoping that this baby will survive, despite of the bad signs (my hormone levels etc.) I suppose you were hoping a bit too"..
I mean, how can a mother say such a thing??! That she was hoping so desperately, and I - the mother of my own baby - was probably hoping a bit too...Hoping a bit???!! I was the mother of this child and suffered through these weeks emotionally and physically, where we hoped and prayed 24/7 for this baby to survive...but nope, my mother was the one who hoped and prayed for this baby the most, and we..well we perhaps hoped a bit too..
I don't know I am a fairly calm and nice person but this is turning me into a monster..I hate everyone..I am mad at everyone who doesn't understand, who's able to say things like "oh bummer" when they hear that the baby died, or "oh maybe next time" - why don't they understand that there is no next time for this child, because he was unique and one of a kind..
Please ladies tell me it's going to get better and the pain will fade with time..In reality I don't want it to fade..I want to hurt, and I want everyone to hurt with me :(( I don't want friends talking about cute ultrasound pictures of other friends, I don't want people talk about our "next baby" that we'll probably have..
I dont know..I am so sorry for venting but noone understands and I just can't bottle it up. I love my husband to death but even he doesn't understand..I know he's hurting a lot but even he says life must go on........I don't want it to go on :((((((((( Is this normal at all? :( I am afraid I'm losing it :(