I am in the process of miscarrying my baby naturally, as I type. This is our fourth child and first miscarriage. I never ever imagined it will be this hard and heartbreaking especially after having three healthy children..My heart is breaking and I don't know how to survive and how life can go on from here on out.
We were only 8 weeks, it should be easier, and it's not :((((((((
Yesterday, for some reason was so much easier. I kept taking Vicodin to ease the physical pain...it really didn't do anything for the pain but it dulled my heartache. I was able to sleep most of the day without thinking too much.
Today my physical pain is less so I went on without taking it...and reality hit me. I no longer have my baby with me...where I am exactly in the m/c process I don't know...but he's no longer within me and it kills me
To make matters worse, my beloved sweet SIL is in labor with her baby and he can arrive any moment now. I love her, she deserved the baby and I prayed for her all along (she had her own losses..)..
but I just can't take it right now that anybody's giving birth right now while I am miscarrying mine :(((((((
And then there's my mother.
Our relationship is not the best but she blindly refuses to see it - or admit it that it's mainly because of her pushy behavior and not accepting me as an adult, my relationship, my husband.
She proceeds to say such a thing: "I was SOOOO hoping that this baby will survive, despite of the bad signs (my hormone levels etc.) I suppose you were hoping a bit too"..
I mean, how can a mother say such a thing??! That she was hoping so desperately, and I - the mother of my own baby - was probably hoping a bit too...Hoping a bit???!! I was the mother of this child and suffered through these weeks emotionally and physically, where we hoped and prayed 24/7 for this baby to survive...but nope, my mother was the one who hoped and prayed for this baby the most, and we..well we perhaps hoped a bit too..
I don't know I am a fairly calm and nice person but this is turning me into a monster..I hate everyone..I am mad at everyone who doesn't understand, who's able to say things like "oh bummer" when they hear that the baby died, or "oh maybe next time" - why don't they understand that there is no next time for this child, because he was unique and one of a kind..
Please ladies tell me it's going to get better and the pain will fade with time..In reality I don't want it to fade..I want to hurt, and I want everyone to hurt with me I don't want friends talking about cute ultrasound pictures of other friends, I don't want people talk about our "next baby" that we'll probably have..
I dont know..I am so sorry for venting but noone understands and I just can't bottle it up. I love my husband to death but even he doesn't understand..I know he's hurting a lot but even he says life must go on........I don't want it to go on :((((((((( Is this normal at all? I am afraid I'm losing it