Hi everyone (child ment)
This is new to me, after all this time. It's been at least a year since I reached a very comfortable and happy point: when I could finally look at babies, families and pregnant women again -- without it triggering my grief. In fact, I can smile at and enjoy babies again, and I can be happy for people when they announce their pregnancies. Yes, we DO eventually reach this point, and it's a wonderful relief to finally get there.
I am utterly convinced that it is because I have worked on my grief. English psychologist GH Lewes said: "The only cure for grief is action". So I've done it all: grief counselling, planting a tree for each of our angel babies (I have a really pretty garden now!), naming our babies, writing a memorial...etc. And I'll always encourage people to visit this website: both to start a new thread when we're in pain (like I am right now), and then to reach out and give support to others as soon as we can -- even if it's just a little bit that we can give. And now I even have a weekly column in our newspaper, where I can carry the message of hope and healing to an audience of ... well, I don't know how many people! Offering support is the most healing thing I have done -- propelling me through the stages of my grief much faster than all of the other activities combined.
So all is good. Really good. All of this has led me to internalize a true, deep acceptance of life on life's terms: to finally accept that only one of my 5 pregnancies resulted in a happy outcome; that I have one natural child, and one stepchild. And I love them very deeply. And I also love our 4 angels just as much, and this delights me to no end. No, I don't think we ever stop loving them.
Anyway, on Dec. 11th it will be 3 years since we lost our last angel, and I offer this message (as always) as one of hope. It does get so much better. It just takes time and work.
Now, can someone please tell me why it is that I can not shake this icky feeling I've had since yesterday: why is it that I can be (genuinely) happy for strangers and even friends who announce their pregnancies, but that hearing about an expectant family member yesterday "cut like a knife"? I mean this couple doesn't even live here in Australia, so we've only met them once in the last 10 years. So it's not like it's "in my face". The other thing is that they have a child (now 6), and yesterday I found out that they suffered a m/c some time ago -- it REALLY bothers me that I'm feeling jealousy rather than compassion and joy for them. Also, we're not even emotionally close to these people -- he is DH's cousin whom DH barely knows (the cousin grew up in Boston, where he still lives, while DH grew up here Down Under) -- so there are no emotional ties... I'm so confused!
Any ideas? Thank you for reading this far -- I just needed to 'get it out'. I just need some understanding, and hopefully some advice on how to shake this, because it's weighing heavily on me.
Hugs all around,