Why does this one cut so deeply?
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Thread: Why does this one cut so deeply?

  1. #1

    Unhappy Why does this one cut so deeply?

    Hi everyone (child ment)

    This is new to me, after all this time. It's been at least a year since I reached a very comfortable and happy point: when I could finally look at babies, families and pregnant women again -- without it triggering my grief. In fact, I can smile at and enjoy babies again, and I can be happy for people when they announce their pregnancies. Yes, we DO eventually reach this point, and it's a wonderful relief to finally get there.

    I am utterly convinced that it is because I have worked on my grief. English psychologist GH Lewes said: "The only cure for grief is action". So I've done it all: grief counselling, planting a tree for each of our angel babies (I have a really pretty garden now!), naming our babies, writing a memorial...etc. And I'll always encourage people to visit this website: both to start a new thread when we're in pain (like I am right now), and then to reach out and give support to others as soon as we can -- even if it's just a little bit that we can give. And now I even have a weekly column in our newspaper, where I can carry the message of hope and healing to an audience of ... well, I don't know how many people! Offering support is the most healing thing I have done -- propelling me through the stages of my grief much faster than all of the other activities combined.

    So all is good. Really good. All of this has led me to internalize a true, deep acceptance of life on life's terms: to finally accept that only one of my 5 pregnancies resulted in a happy outcome; that I have one natural child, and one stepchild. And I love them very deeply. And I also love our 4 angels just as much, and this delights me to no end. No, I don't think we ever stop loving them.

    Anyway, on Dec. 11th it will be 3 years since we lost our last angel, and I offer this message (as always) as one of hope. It does get so much better. It just takes time and work.


    Now, can someone please tell me why it is that I can not shake this icky feeling I've had since yesterday: why is it that I can be (genuinely) happy for strangers and even friends who announce their pregnancies, but that hearing about an expectant family member yesterday "cut like a knife"? I mean this couple doesn't even live here in Australia, so we've only met them once in the last 10 years. So it's not like it's "in my face". The other thing is that they have a child (now 6), and yesterday I found out that they suffered a m/c some time ago -- it REALLY bothers me that I'm feeling jealousy rather than compassion and joy for them. Also, we're not even emotionally close to these people -- he is DH's cousin whom DH barely knows (the cousin grew up in Boston, where he still lives, while DH grew up here Down Under) -- so there are no emotional ties... I'm so confused!

    Any ideas? Thank you for reading this far -- I just needed to 'get it out'. I just need some understanding, and hopefully some advice on how to shake this, because it's weighing heavily on me.

    Hugs all around,

  2. #2


    I'm sorry things are still ao hard.
    Having a pregnant family member is hard. A stranger you see for a second and then moves on. Family, you see and have a reall emtional connection and are always "there".
    It is always a reminder of what we lost and what could have been.
    Do not feel bad about how you are feeling. We are allowed to feel this way, there is no "wrong" way to grieve. Being jealous or hurt does not mean you are a bad person, it only means you are human.

  3. #3
    Mega Poster harmonybear's Avatar
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    Jun 2007


    I know how you feel. For 99% of women, I'm at the point where I can be happy for them. But for this one particular person (who happens to be a family member), it's just like what you said - it cuts like a knife. Even now, after her baby's here, it's still painful. I wish I could be as happy for her as I am for other women in my life, and I've tried to be, but I still feel that jealousy.

  4. #4
    Posting Addict
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    Jan 2002


    Hugs Nicole, I think grief hits in waves, and you've been in calm water for some time. Its normal, and it does hurt. Hugs and prayers.

  5. #5
    Mega Poster lace's Avatar
    Join Date
    May 2006


    I was in line at the convience store last week and the woman in front of me turn around and she was expecting...probably about as far along as I would be if I had not m/c last month. I had to take a deep breath to keep from breaking down in tears. Instead I bough some chocolate and went back to work. It's like it hits out of nowhere some days.
    Last edited by lace; 11-18-2008 at 06:40 PM. Reason: remove sig

  6. #6


    I am not quite there, feeling happy for strangers who are pregnant but anyone close to me, for instance my therapist and a friends sister hurts just like you said. I try to be happy for them and I don't want any hard feelings but for some reason it just sticks in your head and you can't shake it.

    Not sure what it is or have any advice, I just want you to know you are not alone in those feelings.

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