Why I do I feel this way again

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Maddz's picture
Joined: 08/17/07
Posts: 1759
Why I do I feel this way again

In July I found out I was pregnant on the 17th. The baby wasn't on purpose... and to be honest we didn't even have full on intercourse. TMI- Meaning he went in and out a couple of times but that was all. We spent our morning looking up baby books and journals. I have another child but it it with a new partner who we plan and being together forever. This would be his first child. We were excited. Later during the day I started to bleed. I didn't want to think any thing negative but it was hard not to. My SO remained so positive and brushed it off like everything was ok. I called my previous midwife. She said I was probably having an early miscarriage and to take a test in a week and then call her back if it was positive still. I felt like it was so harsh and completely uncaring. I kept taking tests throughout the week and finally stopped because they kept coming back positive of course. I didn't take one directly a week later- I waited longer. The test came back negative. My SO and I spent the day in the closet... mostly crying.

Over the past couple months I was able to ignore everything pretty well. It's been three months now.... And tonight... is rough. I'm bawling my eyes out. I want my baby. I feel like I did something wrong to loose her/him- although I like to think of it as a her. I had a name for her- but I love the name so much I want to give it to a child I get to keep. I haven't wanted to create another though. I went through tonight and put the dates on my ICal. I don't want to forget when i was due. I went and saw my pregnancy photos from my first and how big I would be now if I were still pregnant... I would be "babied"- I wouldn't look bloated or have it be mistaken... I want my baby back. And I just needed somewhere to talk about it... I didn't know where else to put this. A lot of people never knew I was pregnant to begin with. I feel alone although I know this kind of thing has happened to many.

I'm sorry if this post makes you hurt. I just needed to... get it out. Please feel free to post your stories- it would be comforting to know others are still grieving as well. Sad

AVoiceInTheWilderness's picture
Joined: 01/19/06
Posts: 85

I so understand, as I am sure many others do about wanting your baby back Sad ...Losing a baby at any stage is a heartbreaking thing to go through. Even tho It has been a few years since my last loss (I have had 10), I have my days..miss my lo's terribly..Still is difficult to talk with anyone about my loses face to face...Online is a better place for me to be.

I had a girls name picked out as well, but like you, wanted to give that name to a child of mine that I would get to keep. I now have two boys (ages 2 and 3 yrs old) ...I do not plan on having anymore (I am 47) ...

I have felt the same as you...Like I caused the loss of my babys somehow ((hugs))..But deep down, you have to know you did nothing. You cared/loved your child like no other would have..

I hope today will be a 'better' day for you...

Marie

yellow.rose.of.canada's picture
Joined: 01/13/10
Posts: 1173

:bighug: I'm sorry you went through that pain. And I'm also sorry that you were treated so harshly by your midwife. My m/c was in May and I still have really rough days. Praying that you find healing and peace. :bighug: