Why I do I feel this way again
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Thread: Why I do I feel this way again

  1. #1
    Mega Poster Maddz's Avatar
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    Aug 2007

    Default Why I do I feel this way again

    In July I found out I was pregnant on the 17th. The baby wasn't on purpose... and to be honest we didn't even have full on intercourse. TMI- Meaning he went in and out a couple of times but that was all. We spent our morning looking up baby books and journals. I have another child but it it with a new partner who we plan and being together forever. This would be his first child. We were excited. Later during the day I started to bleed. I didn't want to think any thing negative but it was hard not to. My SO remained so positive and brushed it off like everything was ok. I called my previous midwife. She said I was probably having an early miscarriage and to take a test in a week and then call her back if it was positive still. I felt like it was so harsh and completely uncaring. I kept taking tests throughout the week and finally stopped because they kept coming back positive of course. I didn't take one directly a week later- I waited longer. The test came back negative. My SO and I spent the day in the closet... mostly crying.

    Over the past couple months I was able to ignore everything pretty well. It's been three months now.... And tonight... is rough. I'm bawling my eyes out. I want my baby. I feel like I did something wrong to loose her/him- although I like to think of it as a her. I had a name for her- but I love the name so much I want to give it to a child I get to keep. I haven't wanted to create another though. I went through tonight and put the dates on my ICal. I don't want to forget when i was due. I went and saw my pregnancy photos from my first and how big I would be now if I were still pregnant... I would be "babied"- I wouldn't look bloated or have it be mistaken... I want my baby back. And I just needed somewhere to talk about it... I didn't know where else to put this. A lot of people never knew I was pregnant to begin with. I feel alone although I know this kind of thing has happened to many.

    I'm sorry if this post makes you hurt. I just needed to... get it out. Please feel free to post your stories- it would be comforting to know others are still grieving as well.

  2. #2
    Posting Addict AVoiceInTheWilderness's Avatar
    Join Date
    Jan 2006


    I so understand, as I am sure many others do about wanting your baby back ...Losing a baby at any stage is a heartbreaking thing to go through. Even tho It has been a few years since my last loss (I have had 10), I have my days..miss my lo's terribly..Still is difficult to talk with anyone about my loses face to face...Online is a better place for me to be.

    I had a girls name picked out as well, but like you, wanted to give that name to a child of mine that I would get to keep. I now have two boys (ages 2 and 3 yrs old) ...I do not plan on having anymore (I am 47) ...

    I have felt the same as you...Like I caused the loss of my babys somehow ((hugs))..But deep down, you have to know you did nothing. You cared/loved your child like no other would have..

    I hope today will be a 'better' day for you...


  3. #3
    Prolific Poster yellow.rose.of.canada's Avatar
    Join Date
    Jan 2010
    Dawson Creek, BC


    I'm sorry you went through that pain. And I'm also sorry that you were treated so harshly by your midwife. My m/c was in May and I still have really rough days. Praying that you find healing and peace.

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