Would this bother you, or am I just being too senstive? DH told his family about the m/c. His mom and dad and two brothers, who are both married. The only person who has contacted me is his mom. She wanted to call and talk but I told Dh that I didn't want to talk about it, so she emailed me being all supportive and saying she loved me and if/ when I wanted to talk, she was here. But NO ONE else has said anything. I can understand maybe not calling, not knowing what to say, but they could send a email (they all have my email) saying "I'm sorry for your loss." Right? DH is a twin and they talk multiple times a day. It seems like someone would say something to me.
Am I right to be upset? or just too sensitive?
My online friends--who I have never met in person--have been far more supportive. And I couldn't make it without you all.
It's a fine line people walk. I think if your DH told them that you are not really wanting to open up or discuss it right now then they feel they are respecting your wishes by giving you some time right now. I totally understand where you are coming from.
When I had my m/c I didn't want to talk about it at all. I sent a text message to the people I wanted to tell and I just told them I did not feel up to talking about it. They gave me space for a while. Some people just mailed cards instead of calling. I agree with you, your close family should be the first to reach out to you when you are down and an e-mail, flowers, a card, or something would be appropriate even if you are not ready to take a phone call yet. ((((((Big HUGS)))))
The thing is that pregnancy loss is so common, yet so foreign to some people. There is no standard way of dealing with someone suffering this kind of loss because it doesnt get talked about.
If people dont bring it up with you try not to let it upset you. Some of my friends i value more because they said sorry and now we dont talk about it. Plus, i am sure that if you started to open up about it and talk to them they would perhaps be glad you started to because they maybe didnt know how to broach the subject?
I would be upset, I was upset. Many people didn't want to discuss it with me....ever. I told others I was not ready to talk so they avoided me completely. Looking back I can understand that reaction. Most have come around now that I have gotten over completely breaking down at the mere mention of Damien's name. I have those that still don't talk about it and I think that is what bothers me most now. I want to talk about him. I want to celebrate the joy that he brought us while we were awaiting his arrival. I hope that they come around. No matter what, we will always be here for you.
I would be upset and I have been with my family. My cousins you have experienced miscarriage were cold and no one even acknowledged my babies name. They still don't 4 months later. I thought about writing an email to tell them how upset it makes me that they don't acknowlege it but decided it was there way and what matters is that my close friends and my husband and I know what I lost and console eachother. The ladies here will console you and many will give you more support and guidance that any family could. We are here for you and you are know being of sensitive, you lost a child, something no one should ever have to experience. I hope you continue to grief and eventually heal.
I would be upset too. However, I have come to realize that unless you have had a M/C you truly do not understand what a person is going through. My SIL had a M/C right before I did and I was not as supportive as I should have been. Once I had a M/C I called her in tears to appologize and how I had no idea on how painfull it was. Some of my best friends have been so unsuportive, but I know it is just them not knowing what I am going through. When someone says something to me that makes me mad, I just say to them unless you have had a M/C you truly have no idea how I am feeling and that usually shuts them up.
I think it's reasonable you'd be upset. I was when my DH's side ignored us completely. I felt worse for DH because his people weren't supporting him in any way. I agree, even a email would of meant something.
His slightly younger sister and her husband are some of our closest friends. They didn't call,write,email at all so we told them that avoidance hurt us. They said they didn't want to upset us and didn't know what to do so they avoided us. We told them we needed them least to acknowledge our loss, our pain, our grief... because they were making it worse. We had that talk a few months after a loss, and when the next one happened, they were there for us because they knew what we needed. Now, SIL makes sure to call more often. I told her she can call and just say "I'm thinking about you" and that's it and it will mean the world to me. She did, and we have our friendship back.
It's true most people who haven't had any kind of loss don't know what to do, but they want to know if you tell them.
Could it be that they are just going with what you say to your MIL "I didn't want to talk about it."? They may be whating for you to come to them to talk. I do understand how you feel thoe wand throe the same thing with me family. Trand out that I ware letting me come to them becouse they don't wand to make me feel any wares then I was feeling. Hope you feeling better ((hug)))
DH's mom told everyone in his family not to call us after our baby passed. She told them to wait for us to call them...which I found very strange, especially since she had a few late m/c's and then talked to me about how no one in her family let her talk about any of her losses after they happened.
My brothers didn't call me either and after a week, I finally called them. They were so heartbroken and said that they just didn't know what to say or how to say it so they preferred not to call because they didn't want to upset me more. Once DH and I opened up to everyone though, there was and has been free-flowing conversations about our baby. Everyone had a ton of questions about her condition, the labor, delivery and the hours that she was with us...they just didn't know how to ask, so DH and I found that it was up to us to initiate the conversations and once we did, it made everyone else feel more comfortable.
I'm sure your DH's family wants to reach out, they just don't know how or what to say and they don't want to say something that may upset you more. I'm sure if you reach out to them, they will be more comfortable supporting you.
I completely get where you're coming from. We called my parents from the hospital after we had learned that we lost our baby. Our relationship had been very strained in the month or so leading up to us getting pregnant, but it had seemed to be turning around. Then I didn't hear from them. I felt so awfully alone, even though my DH was incredibly supportive. I just needed to hear from them, even if I didn't want to talk to them at the time, I just needed to know that they cared. But they didn't call. I emailed them after a few days and got everything off my chest. I told them how the m/c made me feel, and how it felt that they hadn't called to talk. They called almost immediately after receiving my email. They said that they thought that I needed some time. People who haven't experienced a loss like this really DON'T know what to do or say. They don't know what you need to hear. And a lot of times, they don't know what you DON'T need to hear. It's very upsetting to not get the support you really need when you lose a baby, but I think that most people are doing or saying what they think you would want.
Perhaps you could email the other family members and give them some information? There are a couple of really great articles on this site that explain how to help someone through a pregnancy loss. Here are the articles: