Change the name
Stick with the name
I have posted this on another board, and a few members thougth that I might get some good help from posting on this board.
I am due to have a baby in January, My SIL/BIL have a child due in May. We just found out that their baby has a couple serious heart defects. They have decided to carry the baby as long as they can, but unfortunatly, they will probably lose their baby.
They have choosen the name Keziah for their child.
We have choosen the name Kiah for our child.
We've been a little wishy-washy on the name, but announced it before they did. However, they are definitely using the name. I feel a little weird with the names being so close, and the memories that it might bring up if the worst is to happen to their little girl.
Should we think about changing our baby's name out of respect for their daughter. I'd be ok with it, but I do love the name. What would you do?
As far back as I can remember as a child I wanted to name my son Stephen after my dad.
My brother and SIL lost twins at 23 weeks and name the oldest Stephen.
I went on to adopt a baby from Korea and we were going to use Stephen as the middle name and my SIL flipped. She said it was not fair and did not pay "honor" to the twins.
I know it hurt her.
My SIL live by a differnt drum, if you catch my drift.
Have you spoke to you sister and see how she feels?
What about using a variation of the name, like Kai. One syllable.
Congratulations on your pregnancy! I wish you the safest and quickest delivery.
You're very thoughtful to be asking about this: it shows how much you care about your SIL & BIL.
I totally agree with Missy, about asking them what they think, how they would feel. After all, a name is (usually) permanent -- it would be a constant, repeated reminder to them, for the rest of your lives.
Now if they're happy for you to call your baby Kiah, then it could be a lovely reminder. But if they're not, it could be a very painful one. And I don't know about your family, but in my family there are some members who would not never 'let me forget it'. So there's the potential for family disharmony too.
Kiah is a beautiful name...but you know, there are thousands of girls' names, so very many of them being beautiful, too. Please keep this in mind, okay? Hugs!
Hope it all goes very well. Keep us posted!
I'd change it...Right now, your SIL/BIL are hoping that their little one may make it...But if the worst happens...The name that you picked sounding so much like their lo's..This could cut them deeply every time they hear it...They will already be dealing with enough trying to cope being around your lo if theirs passes...Just not worth it imo...And as you say, you like it, but would be okay with a change.
As far as asking them goes...I wouldn't..I am sure they do not want to think about how the name you picked may affect them if their lo does indeed pass...As I said before, I am sure that they are holding onto hope tightly..This would bring them to a place that more then likely, they don't want to go.
Another thought..If their lo passes..I am sure they will have a funeral with the name that they picked..Not sure as to how you would feel about that, being they are so close in the way that they sound.
I agree with the pp's...Very thoughtful of you to come here and ask!
Last edited by AVoiceInTheWilderness; 12-10-2008 at 04:32 PM. Reason: typo
I agree that right now your SIL/BIL are clinging to hope and probably don't want to think about the worst happening.
I would think about changing it, but also keep in mind that no matter what name you choose, their baby and yours would always have been close in age and any name may always remind them, if they lose the baby.
Very thoughtful of you to ask this. I wouldn't ask them though how they feel as they don't need any possible reminders right now that their LO might not make it. I pray the baby defies the odds.
I do agree with what others have said that no matter what they will always be reminded due to the close age and to hear the name so close is just going to make it worse. No matter that you picked and announced your name first. It sounds like you really care for them and I think it would be a good out of respect thing to do.
Maybe you can use the original name for a middle name.
Our son was due March 21st 2007. We knew from 12 weeks that he probably wouldn't make it to be born. We named him Joseph. He was stillborn at 29w5d.
Just this last winter, a long-time friend of mine from work adopted a boy from Russia. (She and I are co-workers, not best buddies or anything, but good work friends).
Their son was born March 18th, 2007. They decided to name him Joseph. Not necessarily because of our son, but it was in their mind. She was worried that I would forever be reminded of our Joseph if they named their son Joseph.
But really -- I was happy to have another Joseph, the same age as ours would be. No matter what you name your child, it will always remind them of the child they lost. We have a friend who was due 2 days after me and every time I see their baby girl, I think about Joseph and what he would be doing now. Different gender, different name, dark hair and eyed, so different from ours, but it reminds me anyways.
So, in summary -- use the name you like, it will be hard for them anyways. But if you feel comfortable asking, ask the parents what they think. The names aren't 100% the same either.
P.S. If they need someone to talk to about continuing a pregnancy with a fatal outcome, feel free to PM me.
Well, I thought I’d come by to let you know the decision. I’ve really taken what everyone here has said, and thought a lot about it. Let me tell you a small amount of background so you can understand where a lot of my decision has come from.
I don’t get along with BIL and SIL one little bit. I was married once before, and they have let me and my DH know that they don’t approve of him being with me, and that I wasn’t “pure” so therefore I’m “toxic to our future family.” That’s just the tip of the iceberg. They live across the country from us, so we don’t see them. Cards, gifts, and conversations between DH and BIL are about all that exist.
On a selfish note, the name has changed context for me. It doesn’t have the same feeling as it did. I don’t want other family members thinking of their child when they think of mine.
On a non-selfish note, this might add undo stress for them, and no matter how much we don’t get along, I do not want to add anymore frustration to them. It always seems like it’s a competition between our families, and I don’t want anything close to that at this time. If I were to use the name in honor of them and their baby, then that would be different, but at it stands, it’s a coincidence. Nothing more.
So, I am changing the name. Don’t know to what, but it’ll come.
I really appreciate everyone’s advise and perspective. I am glad that I asked the question here. I didn’t get a perspective like the one you all gave me. Thank you.
I am hoping for a miracle. They are good parents, and Keziah is loved very much.
Last edited by missy8632; 12-13-2008 at 09:30 PM. Reason: removed siggy
By the sound of things, you and I may be related. MY brother and SIL are the same way.