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Originally Posted by jorich

Hello
I am going to tell my story as it has really helped me to not feel so alone (and to have a good cry) reading this forum.
I lost my little girl 5 months ago at 30 weeks. She is called Amelia. Everything had gone well and I had seen my midwife 2 days earlier. Then didn't feel her move for a whole day but told myself I was being silly.
When I woke up the next day I knew deep down something was wrong and on arrival at hospital no heartbeat seen on uss. I then had to ring and tell DH who was away at work which was awful. I was sent home for 2 days and can't really remember them.
I am lucky enough to have a beautiful 2 year old daughter who still managed to make me smile and made our house retain some normality but it is hard to grieve as she gets upset. She says mummy has leaky eyes! I couldn't look at or touch my stomach in those 2 days but when the morning came to go in to deliver her I didn't want her to leave me. That day goes down as the worst of my life, but DH and I got to spend some time with Amelia and I found it hard to go home and leave her. I was worried about seeing her and freaking out but that turned out to be the easist bit. She looked exactly like my other daughter and was perfect. (Nothing found on autopsy)
I had a few problems with the hospital which I have written to them to ensure it never happens to anyone else, there were breastfeeding posters in my room and people were in and out alot uneccesarily during delivery. On DH and I first being left alone with Amelia 5 mins after she was born, someone came in looking for something and said congratulations. it turned out there was no symbol or sign on the door to let staff know it was a stillbirth and she thought we were crying in celebration.
EDD was really hard, but we have been away as a family which was very needed. Very hard for DH as had to go back to work after 2 weeks and people ask how you are but forget him a bit.
The whole experience has been dreadfull but I have also realised what wonderful family and friends I have. DH and I are even closer and every day with my daughter is cherished.
Unfortunatly I also have lots of pregnant friends, which is hard but have realised I can't push myself too hard or expect too much yet. My friends are great and understand I won't be visiting for a while.
Am trying again now but am petrified, I still have very up and down emotions but wanted to say reading other peoples experiences and support of each other has helped to give me courage - Thank you

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Originally Posted by mandyn81

I lost my first child a son just less than two weeks ago. I was not quite 23 weeks along. Everything had been normal up till then. It was a normal friday I ran a few errands in the morning filled my car with gas, went to the bank and came home but I started feeling sick later in the afternoon. I spent the rest of the afternoon/evening on the couch resting. Later in the evening I still wasn't feeling well but I was sure everything was allright because I had felt my baby moving that morning so I assumed that it was just gas. I decided I was going to take a bath and relax then but then I noticed that there was some blood in the tub. I went to the emergency room and after waiting for what seemed like forever they got me in. In the er they could not find a heartbeat but said it could just be they didn't have very good equipment. By then I was already in labor and a foot and leg had started to come out. They rushed me to labor and delivery and after looking at an ultrasound the nurse told me that my son had passed on. After that I was pretty much left alone in the room with my fiance except for when they needed to refill my fluids or if I called them when I needed another shot for pain or for my bedpan. But a couple of times a different nurse came in and would ask what I was having or some other question not knowing that my baby had already passed and this was very upsetting to me. The shots made me very sleepy though so I mostly just drifted in and out of sleep for an hour or so at a time. Several hours later on Saturday afternoon 9-10-05 my son was born still. He was 12 inches long and 15.5 ounces and there was nothing wrong with him he was just a perfect little baby. I held him and just cried I didn't want to have to let go of him. The hospital babtized him and gave me a memory box for him with a tiny hat and blanket that they had put him in, and some other things. I am still waiting for the pictures the hospital took of him to come back I want to see them so badly.

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Originally Posted by twink

Hello my name is DeLette. My story begins 14 years ago when I married my wonderful husband Terry. We had 3 years of infertility and were finally able to concieve in 94 with clomid. Shortly after I had our 2nd child in 96. I have been very blessed with 2 beautiful daughters (11 & 9 currently fighting over the ketchup bottle). We had always wanted another child but time slipped away and with my infertility problems, well we just figured it wasn't meant to be. The last couple of years of my life have been filled with my girls and my family and taking care of my dad who died about a year ago with Alzhiemers. After his death I decided to take a while and take care of me, lose some weight and just enjoy each day. Much to our surprise I ended up pregnant at 38. I had had surgery late in July and woke up from it very sick thinking it was from being put to sleep I didn't suspect anything til about 2 weeks later. I have PCOS so my periods were not ever really regular but by the time I had missed 2 I thought I'd check. What a surprise! What were the chances? After the shock passed us and we got used to the idea we new it was what was meant to be. I had a u/s at 6.5 weeks and everything looked great. I took care of myself, took it easy, watched the BP and was looking forward to maybe a Spring little boy. I sstarted spotting off and on at 11 weeks and m/c at 12 weeks. I felt very alone and empty but being here has helped. I am so very sorry for each and every one of the losses here and those that have yet to find this special place. Thank you for letting me share!
God Bless! DeLette

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Originally Posted by Hilary7983

My DH and I started TTC right after we got married in 2002. In 2003, I found out I was pregnant, and being very naive, I told everyone. Three days later, i miscarried. We kept trying and in 2004 I had 3 more early losses. At this point, we began seeing a fertility doctor. After a year of tests, and now on the 3rd specialist (due to insurance issues), I thought it would never happen. In March, they did a test and it came back that I was not ovulating. They gave me meds to induce my period so that I could start Clomid on the next cycle. Well, wouldn't you know it that I just had a weird feeling so I finally took a pregnancy test after I was 2 weeks late... and I was pregnant!! I had ovulated about 12 days late. Everything went smoothly until the ultrasound at 20 weeks. They said that my DD had cysts on her brain and that they had a hard time finding her stomach. So, a week later we went to see another specialist and they found even more problems. Heart defects, her brain wasn't fully formed, etc. We did the amnio that day and two days later, I got the dreaded phone call. My daughter had Trisomy 18 and with her heart defects the doctors did not think she would survive to full term and if she did she wouldn't survive labor. They said it was just a "fluke" and I was just unlucky with the chromosomes, but how could one person be so unlucky! My labor was induced at 23 weeks 3 days and my precious daughter, Ariana Natalia, was stillborn on August 27th, 2005. She was 9 1/2 inches and 15.2 oz. She was so tiny but to me she was so perfect.

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Originally Posted by acoacheswife

Originally posted on September 24, 2005

Wow…..talk about irony. Just a few months ago I was a lurker on this board, and now I am posting a message. I guess I always knew I would.

I looks as if my new friend Hilary is on this board. We are both former members of the December 05 board, and have bonded through our losses. She is a kindred spirit to me, as I expect she is to you all also.

I am excited to join you gals and learn from you, and hopefully pass on some comfort to others. I am sorry this post is so long. I am never at a loss for words…..and I guess that comes out when I write. I just wanted to get it all out in one shot. It is easier for me that way. I have another issue you should all be aware of. I am painfully honest, and I am apologizing up front if I offend any one with my candor.


My Story- written a week after the delivery

Psalm 34:8 says: “The Lord is near to the brokenhearted, and saves those who are crushed in spirit.

My spirit was crushed on July 22, 2005, as I gave birth to a beautiful baby boy. He was only 21 weeks, but weighed almost a pound. I have never seen such beauty. He was perfect in every way. He had his father’s eyes and mouth and had my nose. I feel so blessed to have been able to hold him, and I cherished every last second with him. My husband was glad that he saw him also and that we knew what he looked like. My baby was perfect and fought until the very end. I look at the pictures and find comfort in the fact that I at least have them. My only consolation now is to know that I will see him again in heaven.

This baby was an answer to prayer. After a loss in March 04 at 8 ½ weeks, my family was elated to learn that were pregnant again. I have never prayed harder for anything in my life. I know that many of you also have prayed that prayer. I had a few bleeding scares throughout the pregnancy which my doctor attributed to intercourse. The ultrasounds all checked out fine, but I was always worried that my worst nightmares would come true. My mother says I “borrow trouble” with all my incessant worrying about what could happen. Throughout my pregnancy I searched this board and read every story. I looked at all the photos of the babies that had been lost. I wanted to prepare myself for every possible outcome. Looking back, I am glad I did.

It all began on Thursday night. I felt some strange movement or cramping. It came in waves and then I knew it was contractions. I acted fast, as I have had a birth with my daughter from a previous marriage, who is 9 years old now. I called my husband and asked for him to come home and that we needed to go to the ER. He thought nothing was wrong. I asked my best friend to come over and watch my daughter. She thought nothing was wrong. I called my doctor’s exchange and left a message for the doctor on call (my doctor was out of town). She said we could go to the hospital. She thought nothing was wrong. When I arrived at the hospital the nurses took their time and thought nothing was wrong. The nurse checked me and I was fully dilated and my bag of waters was in an hour glass shape. Now people started believing that something was wrong and I was not just a member of the “Physic Friend’s Network.”  The doctor on call arrived and put me on meds to stop the contractions. She wanted to try and stop the labor, and even mentioned C-section to try and keep him alive. I was sooo confused. There was no way he could survive outside the womb at 21 weeks. She wanted to keep me in the hospital for 3 weeks at least. How could it be possible to stay in bed in that shape for three weeks? Contractions got worse. They gave me pain meds that did not help at all. I labored from 12 midnight until his delivery at 7:03 am. It was horrible. about 12-13 contractions per hour. The doctor refused to give me an epidural because I was on meds to stop the labor. It said it was unethical because I was on meds to try and stop the contractions. Yeah well, up his nose with a rubber hose, I thought. I finally got an epidural, but then about 10 minutes my water broke and the nurse and I delivered my son. The nurse was so upset after it all she went in the other room and cried. I am so upset that the doctor put me through all of that. I was glad that my husband and family had agreed to leave for the delivery. I wanted to spare them from all of that. We now know that I have an incompetent cervix.

The awful thing is that at 12 weeks I had some spotting. I mentioned to my doctor at 16 weeks about the cerclage and he said that it does not always work and causes infection. My husband was wonderful. My best friend and mother and father were present during the labor…for me the perfect combination. For me my husband represents my ultimate love. My best friend is my rock and is a no nonsense kind of girl, a witch with a B that will kick rear and take names later. My father represents safety. And my mother, well, you always want your momma there.

During the labor and birth I was emotionless. I was in such pain, but I never cried once. Even when the hospital staff discussed burial (after 20 weeks you have a death certificate and are required to bury or cremate) I just sat there stunned. Now I know I was in shock. I have been able to cry and mourn now that it has finally hit me. I am naturally a strong person who is used to helping other through hard times. This is by far the worst thing that has ever happened to me. I want to shoot my fist to the heavens and demand that God tell me why my baby is gone. I am a committed Christian and know my relationship with the Lord will heal. I am starting to have hope that I will have another perfect baby with his father’s eyes and my nose. We hope to try again after Christmas, but I am not sure if I will be ready.

The Ugly Truth- Me and the aftermath

One of my best friends was pregnant the same time I was and was due in September. She gave birth five weeks early….and as luck would have it her labor started at my house! About three week after my loss. She was staying over, as she often does. My husband was out of town and she did not want me to be alone without a buddy. It was like Vietnam all over for me. I saw that she lost her mucus plug and I could not sleep at all that night. I just laid in my bed waiting for her to move in case I had to be in battle mode. I saw her in the hospital and did ok with that. I was just intent on seeing that baby. I had to lay my eyes on her and make sure she was ok. She is fine of course, but I was so afraid that perhaps I lost my baby so I could help her with losing hers? I don’t have a hard time seeing her baby. I have an investment in that baby and my friend is a good mother and deserves her. Which brings me to my next ironic reminder of my loss.

I had been doing really well…..then…It was like a cruel twist of fate snuck up on me and reminded me of the way the world works. It is terribly unfair. My former husband has not seen my daughter since she was 2 and she will be 10 in October. He dropped off the face of the earth and I was confident that he was still up to his naughty ways. I knew I was a good solider, however. I follow the rules and live my life focusing on what is good and helping others. The other day I found out that he and his wife had a baby boy and she was pregnant the same time as I was. I was livid! How can he, the naughty one, be blessed before me? He did not deserve a second chance? He threw his first child to the wayside? I have since repaired from that. I am not jealous at all. Just mad that he was blessed first.

You must all be thinking. You are such an ungrateful person…at least you have a child? I must say that for me, having 1 healthy child on earth does not make the burden of a loss any easier to bear. My husband, who has been involved in my life since shortly after my divorce is a God-Send. He has been in my daughter's life from about 2 1/2 on and we married 5 years ago. He is the only father she has ever known, and he loves her most definitely like she was his own. He is my best friend and one of the most outstanding people I have ever met. He would slay dragons for me and worships the ground I walk on. He is very cute and is an amazing football coach and teacher. He was the Homecoming King in high school and was voted "Most Likely to be Remembered", "Most Athletic" and "Best All Around". I am the envy of all my friends and everyone wants to know how we have the most amazing relationship in the world. I say this not to brag, but to illustrate how these qualities in him, add to my suffering. This man deserves to have a child who shares his genetic qualities. My daughter is blessed with an amazing voice. I too am a singer and went to a School for the Performing Arts before I decided to pursue my current profession, politics. In my day, I was the best in my school, and one of the best in my town. My daughter is better than I ever was and her voice is so good it is eerie. I get to look at her sing and know that I gave her that quality. She was blessed with that through me. I get to live through her and watch her talent exceed my own in all the days of her life. What about my husband? God certainly should give him that same chance? I am hopeless flawed and he is wonderful. I can't imagine living with myself knowing that I lost our son because of problems with my body. Yeah, I know...it was not my fault...I hear that ever day from EVERY person I know, including my husband. But the burden still feels like mine alone, and I am determined to do everything I can to make him have what I have. I used to want a baby at all costs….now I just want his baby.

Today, Yesterday and the day before

Today I am trying and look at each new day with the promise of tomorrow through the eyes of faith. Faith has always come easy to me in the past. Our loss has tested my faith, but I am careful to look for the blessings. Blessings from my loss have come. Incredible ones, in fact. I am just trying to add them all up now wondering if they will be enough to make the loss of my baby, to use a bad phrase, “worth it”? I know it will never be “worth it”, but maybe it will just be ok someday. My best comfort is knowing that I will see my baby again. I may differ with some on this, and I hope very much that I don’t offend anyone, but I do not believe that my baby is an angel. He is a person. A human like us with a spirit and will. Angels only wish they can be like us. They are created only to love, praise and serve God and know nothing else. They were never given the choice to love God….well except for maybe one and we all know who that is . Humans were given the choice to love God. Free will to love him or hate him. My feeling is that love is better when it comes by choice.

Am I going to “get back on the horse” again, so to speak? Yup. I went to a wonderful specialist on Tuesday. As my husband and I walked into his plain and understated office, I almost felt as if I was seeing the Wizard of Oz! He was so nice and you could sense his that he was a brilliant man. We spent an hour in his personal office with him and he actually went over my medical records and forms in front of us! He spent about an hour with us just talking. It was sooo comforting to have someone actually listen, and think I was not just a crazy! He looked at all the evidence and our history and said those words of dread I have heard only once from a doctor before, "I don't think there is anything wrong with you". He did say that based on my age and history that he is very confident that we will eventually have a healthy baby and carry it to term. That was nice to hear. He wanted to run every hormone and blood test known to man just to rule everything out and took 10 vials of blood. Yes! He is also leaning toward the incompetent cervix being the reason for the loss. He did concur with me and recognized the fact that true cervical competence is very rare. It is a typical explanation for a 2nd Trimester loss. And no doctor is not going to place one in my case. They will just stitch me up because it won't do any harm not too. he is not a 2nd term lost expert, but the problem is no one is! I am sure there is an OBGYN out there who may be, but hell I can't find him. I am more concerned with my "super" dilation in both of my pregnancies that resulted in a delivery. I think there may be something in me that triggers contractions faster than most. He is going to look at everything and said in the last two months there has been promising progesterone research and wants to try it with me. He said it will not harm a developing fetus. He also recommended a new OB in my town. I am going to interview him when the specialist has done is work and see if he concurs with my plan of care. Screw it! I am going to call and make an apt. and say I just want to talk to him and not have any exam at first. I want to see if he agrees with the Home Monitor Uterine Monitoring device (you use it at home and it monitors the contractions you can not feel. You wear it 2 hours per day and it transmits info through your PC to a monitoring center. If there is trouble, the doctors at the center call your doctor to give you the appropriate meds to stop the contractions) and is up to my DEMAND of having more visits and vaginal exams and ultrasound at least every month. My insurance will cover the monitoring device if you have a cerclage. It runs 80-100 per day to use it. Hot damn..it sounds great huh? I lost my baby because I went into pre-term labor. It only makes good sense to try and catch it if it comes early next time? Besides, I am afraid that my cervix will rip if I don't

Keep the Faith gals..................

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Originally Posted by Nikky_T

PGment, Childment....

Hi! I have never posted to this site before, but have been reading articles and what not since I found thought that I might be expecting a few months ago. It turns out that I was right, and I was expecting. These last few months have been so exciting as I looked forward to the addition of a new little one. We have an 11 month old little boy right now. Everything seemed to be going fine until about a week and a half ago. First one of my good friends lost her sister and her sister's boyfriend to a head-on collision. I went to the funeral and grieved deeply for my friend. I don't think that I have ever felt a loss so deeply as I did this one, even though I hardly knew the two that actually passed away. On Friday, Oct. 14 however, I started bleeding. I called my OB immediately, and a nurse told me that everything was fine (I was at 12 wks). I was surprised that they didn't want to see me, but my mom insisted that I lay down regardless of what they said. Saturday morning, I was still bleeding and called the OB again. This time they said that I should go into the emergency room to get an ultrasound done, basically just to put my mind at ease. I was honestly excited to get to see my baby since we hadn't even heard a heartbeat yet. I was shocked and devastated when they told me that the baby was only at eight weeks gestational size and had no heartbeat. I thought that I had cried all my tears for my friend in the days prior to this, but I have been doing nothing but crying lately it seems. Yesterday, Monday, I had a D&C surgery. That gave the feeling so much more of a finality I believe. I was basically quiet and unable to think of anything else but my precious baby all night. Today has been tough, but last night my mom gave me a beautiful heart necklace to remember my precious baby with. She also "made" me go and feed the ducks with her, as it is beautiful weather here. I was so thankful for that chance to get out of the house. I'm also finding it so healing to write about my feelings. I just know that one day I will get to hold my baby in Heaven!!! That thought gets me through! I am so thankful for a place where I can share my very real loss. Thank you all so much for sharing your stories, as they are so inspiring. Lots of love to all of you, Nikky

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Originally Posted by kris11483

I am just cutting and pasting the birth story that I have already written for another board, so here goes.....

DH and I got pregnant and were surprised but very happy. My pregnancy was uneventful and pretty much perfect. We had an ultrasound at 18weeks and found out that we were having a little girl and she everything looked great and completely on schedule.

October 15 (30 weeks pregnant):
I woke up at about 3am with really bad back pains. I wasn't really sure what was going on, but just assumed that it was a pregnancy thing. I went to the bathroom and noticed that I was having a weird thick discharge. It kinda made me wonder, but I decided to go back to bed and call my doctor in the morning if it continued. I went back to bed and couldn't sleep because my back was hurting so bad. At about 5am I was sitting up in bed and noticed that my underwear were wet. I went running to the bathroom and there was pink fluid running down my legs. After I got it to kinda stop, I went and woke DH up and told him that I thought my water had broke. I called the doctor and was refered to another doctor that was on call for the weekend.

I talked to him and he told me to go to the hospital. I got to the hospital at about 6am and was taken to triage. When I got there, the nurse started trying to find the baby's heartbeat on the monitor. She was having problems finding it and thought that it was because my heartrate was so fast. (I knew immediately that something was wrong.) A bunch of other nurses tried to find the heartbeat and eventually they brought in an ultrasound machine. They found an O.B. and he looked at her on the ultrasound machine, but would not tell me anything until the acctual ultrasound tech came. (I knew when I saw the first ultrasound though that there was no heartbeat.) The ultrasound tech came and quickly determined that the baby was no longer alive. The doctor on call then determined that they would go ahead and induce me.

After about an hour of them trying to put an IV in me (I am a very hard stick) they finally moved me to a room and started the pitocin at about 9am. I was 1-2cm dialated at this point. They told me that basically they would give me as much pain medicine as I needed, but that they would try to hold off on the epidural for as long as they could so that it would not slow down the labor. I started out with Newbane and then Demerol. At about 11:30am I demanded an epidural. After I got the epidural I was 5cm dialated. I took a nap and woke up at about 12:30. I was really uncomfortable and thought that the epidural was gone or something. They checked me and I was 10cm and complete. I waited for the doctor and had my little girl at 1:12pm.

They let me hold her immediately and kept her in the room for as long as I wanted. DH and I held her for a little while and then they measured, weighed, and cleaned her up. She weighed 2lbs 12oz and was 15in long. After they did all of that they gave her back to me and we let the family come in to see her. (I think it was really important for all of them to be able to see her and get some closure) She was an absolutely beautiful baby girl and it didn't even look like there was anything wrong with her. We kept her for a long time and then they took her away and took some pictures of her. My mom went and bought a beautiful white little doll dress for her to be buried in.

They sent the placenta to pathology to determine what happened. This is basically what we know: The scientific term is velamentous cord insertion. Basically in the very beginning of the pregnacy, the umbilical cord did not insert into the placenta at the proper place. Because it didn't insert properly, the protective membrane usually present was gone. This caused the vessels in the umbilical cord to rupture. This is very very rare (it occurs in less than 1% of singleton pregnacies) and almost totally undetectable. This is not something that can be detected by ultrasound and is almost always fatal. Aparently even if Claire had made it to full term, she would have probably died when I gave birth to her. It is amazing that she made it for as long as she did.

After I gave birth and everything they realized that I was running a high fever so they started me on antibiotics. They told me that I was not going to be able to leave the hospital until I went 24 hours without a fever. DH made funeral arrangements for Monday for Claire and all of the family came in town. Monday morning I was still in the hospital b/c of high fever so my doctor temporarily discharged me for the funeral. We went to the funeral and it was really sweet (DH's uncle did the ceremony because he is a pastor).

After the funeral I had to go back to the hospital. They had to put in a new IV and after a nurse trying for an hour, they called the anesthesiologist to come put it in. (I am very bruised up from all of the pricks) I ended up staying in the hospital until Wednesday afternoon.
Now I am home, and we are trying to put our lives back together. It is a slow and hard process, but it gets easier with each day. What happened to our little girl is not something that repeats in other pregnancies. That is good to know, but does not replace the fact that our little girl is gone. We are planning on one day having more children, but it will be a while before we are ready for that. I think about her and picture her constantly.

-Kristen

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Originally Posted by oimiloy

Copied from TTC after a loss board.

My name is Emily, i'm 21 and my fiance is 22.

We found out that i was pregnant in late May, it was a suprise as the pregnancy was unplanned. We were very excited.

I went for an ultrasound as i was unsure how far along i was. The u/s showed a deformed sac and i was told that i would miscarry.

one week later i was in excrutiating pain over my left hip. I went to hospital had another u/s and was told i had miscarried, i thought that this was odd, as i had not passed any blood or clots, i was just sent home. (NEVER going back to that hospital, i was appauled)

The next day i saw my GP as the pain was worse, i could barely move. I was told to cuddle a hotwaterbottle and that i'd be fine, i know he was wrong. I screamed at him to send me to a Gyn, and after much pursuasion he did.

I saw my gyn the next day and had a third u/s. This time it showed that the 'deformed sac' was a 'ghost sac' (i think is what they called it) and that i had a huge ectopic pregnancy in my left tube. I was rushed to hospital and into emergency surgery.

My tube and ectopic ruptured during the surgery and i lost a dangerous amount of blood in seconds. If that had have happened anywhere else other than the operating table, i'd be dead. They removed my tube as it was unrepairable. They also found that i have endometriosis, which probably caused the ectopic.

I spent the next 3 days in hospital as i was very unwell from the blood loss and traumatic surgery. We were told to have children now or never as the gyn didn't know how quickly my endo will spread.

It has been almost 5 months now, i still burst into tears at the word baby or pregnancy or even a screaming toddler, believe it or not i miss my tube, i know that i have another one that is probably fine but gee! i can't explain it. i'm not complete anymore. 5% of women who have en ectopic have a second one, i can't go through this again! i want to be pregnant but i am so scared! I only have one tube left now. i WILL NOT loose this one.

We are now TTC and trying to move on, it's just so hard. I'm sure you all understand.

Learn from my story, doctors dont get it right all the time, if i had have lisened to my GP i would be dead now. LISTEN to your body and your instincts, they know what's happening.

Thankyou all for your love and support
-eMily- aka -oiMiloy-

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Originally Posted by BlueBee

We lost our first baby in December of 2004. We were TTC for over 8 months, when I finally became pregnant we were beyond thrilled. Total cloud 9.

I take the train to work. We had just gotten our 9th negative home pregnancy test over the weekend, and it was a Monday. I had a stressful day at work and considered, for the first time, getting a cocktail from the cafe car. I know this sounds corny.. but something in me said to pass up the drink because I was pregnant, and that it was a boy.

The pregnancy progressed pretty "normally" for about 12 weeks. We saw the "stong' heart beat on the ultrasound at 9 weeks. I called the baby Thomas and constantly daydreamed about the future.

Right before the holidays the OBGYN was unable to hear the heartbeat. He told me not to worry- that in some cases the baby's position made it hard. But I was worried. I am a thin person and reading I had done indicated that it would be easier to hear on a person of smaller stature. Something did not set well.

Our next appointment was in early January. I miscarried on Christmas. I know I was only 13/14 weeks along, but we were already so in love with the idea of the baby.

At the time, we were staying with my husband's twin in NYC. There were 8 family member crowded into her 3 room Manhattan apartment. Zero privacy. And her new boyfriend, a paramedic, kept trying to "help" me. Sweet of him, but I just wanted to be ALONE. The hardest thing for me to grasp was that there were NO warning signs. Boom- it just happened.

My OBGYN gave me two options- try to go to NYU Medical Center for a D&C or "go naturally." I choose the latter. I will never forget laying on the white sofa in her living room waiting for my baby to leave. Lights on the tree flickered, snow fell, wrapping paper was still on the floor. Sometime around 3am I had lots of cramping and wetness. Piece by piece, the baby went away.

The worst part was saving the placenta and the developing embryo/fetus for the OBGYN. I know how morbid this is, but I wanted to open the sack and look. I never did. But it really messed with my head having it sitting in the fridge. Later, we found it he was a boy.

I am currently pregnant again. I was VERY scared to try after the MC. As luck would have it, after TTC for 8 months, the second pregnacy happened on the first try.

I am now at 30 weeks. And every day I worry. Honestly, until they put the baby in my hands I think I will be apprehensive RE attachment.

My heart goes out to everyone on this board. For me, the hardest part of my MC was the loss of hope it ushered in. Pregnancy should be a joyful time. But when you lose a baby, your relationship with pregnancy changes. It because scary and unpredictable. Some of us build up walls to protect our hearts, we don't get to "enjoy" future pregnancies, we wonder why our bodies failed us.

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Originally Posted by Laurie SC

My DH and I lost our daughter Jessica on 11/11/05 at 24 weeks. All of a sudden I realized I couldn't remember when I had last felt her move. She had been a very active baby - I could feel her movements from very early in pregnancy and by 24 weeks, she could pack a mean kick that took my breath away a couple of times. I called my OB and she tried to reassure me that sometimes babies become less active and not to worry. She told me to come in to check. In my mind, I am fighting the truth - denying that something is wrong but all the physical signs point to the fact that something terrible has happened. My tummy felt "slack"- it didn't have the characteristic, uncomfortable tightness of the day before. My breast were getting softer and weren't sore anymore. I had a horrible feeling in my gut but couldn't verbalize to my DH what I had noticed. As soon as my OB started moving the Doppler around my tummy, the tears started rolling down my cheeks. There was complete silence in the room. She told me not to panic and had me go across the hall to the U/S room. I could see the screen from where I was lying. I started really crying because on the previous 2 U/S, I saw a lively baby. Now I saw a dead screen confirming that I now had a dead baby. She sent us to an U/S doc to confirm that our baby was indeed gone. I checked into the hospital that evening and was given misoprostol suppositories to thin and dilate my cervix. My body didn't want to give her up because it took 36 hours for me to deliver her on 11/13/05.
At my follow up appt 2 wks later, my OB only had the preliminary autopsy. My OB said from visual examination, it looks like she had a chomosomal disorder. I studied the pictures my DH took when Jessica was born and realized she shows all the typical signs of Trisomy 18. I am due for an annual exam on 1/19 so I'm sure she will go over the full autopsy results then and we will find out why the amnio didn't catch the problem. It's strange though because when I was holding her, I didn't notice any of the physical abnormalities. I only saw my beautiful baby.
Grieving was tough. For awhile, all I could do was cry and look at my baby's pictures. On New Year's Day, I finally had the strength to let her go and asked God to hold her in His arms until we will be reunited.
I am 41 and hear my biological clock pounding in my ear. I hope I can have one more baby (I have 1 daughter who is 7 1/2) but we are praying and leaving it in God's hands.

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