Originally Posted by poppy77Someone suggested i should paste my story from another thread here
(((Child ment))) (((preg ment)))
I didnt plan my pregnacy last year..it was a wonderful conception planned only by God. It is my second baby and was very much wanted. I had the usual terrrible morning sickness more than the first and as i suspected at 19 weeks i found out it was a girl. I was in tears at such amzing news.
the next weeks went perfectly , clear tests for everything. Though i suffer from SPD (seperated symphisis pubis) This was the very least of my worries. I wore a brace which made life alot easier.
One night at 32 wks i was sitting up late with a girlfriend eating gelato (as u do!!) i was aware that there was no kicking in my very large stretched tight belly... usually eating sugary foods would be an instant response from her. The next morning i went into the hospital and was given the horrific news that she had no heart beat.
i made a decision that afternoon to give birth naturally and was given the first dose of gel. By 6 the next morning without any other form of induction i went into full natural labour. With 4 amzing mid wifes and my even more amzing dr i gave birth. My husband was yet again the knight in shining armour (He's just like aragorn in Lord of the rings!). he delivered her and smothered her with kisses and tears. We spent 7 hours with her lovely dark body, weeping and strangely celebrating what was her little life in heaven. i held her proudly and yearned tears and groaned at her sudden unexpected loss.
Its been 7 weeks since we held her tightly together and our souls wept and screamed as we said our final goodbye ...and as we sat there and boldy yearned from our soul a summer storm whipped up against the window of the birthing room, shaking the blinds and spalttering thick angry rain and lightning and thunder in the sky....
As is with all loss the first week was numb...though i like to think of it as being clothed in God's peace for a time... A season he gives us after the extremes of death to just function. After 2 or so weeks...i believe someting is removed and you then feel the full force of greif like a tidal wave
the last 7 weeks have been the most devastating days of my life... greif has become my daily routine, the days are long and a dull sadness folllows me wherever i go. Though we have had genuinely good times this summer, we have laughed and layed in the sun, drunk champagne and giggled with my girl friends... but we always return each new morning to the terrors of her loss.
Its early days i know but it feels that things just get harder as the reality of loss sets in. Yes God is good and His promises are fuel to live... But He himself walked the unavoidable path of mourning and the only choice i see is to keep moving, keep facing, keep crying, keep giving myself to the unpredictable waves of greif.
My son has been wonderful throughout these days... hugging us , giggling, literally pulling us out of bed to get on with the day. We are grayteful for him, he's been very sensative and a joy amidst the pain.
One thing i have come to learn about is the the wild ocean that is grief...sometimes it's like huge unstoppable crashing waves that you just have to stand and bare the full force of, sometimes it's like tiny currents that wash over me thru the night that trickle tears on my pilllow for hours as i try and sleep with my hollow empty belly...sometimes it's still and i just stare at my amazing husband across a room....the only person who knows and shares the depth of my pain.
i can also speak of a peace although that is not like any garment of God that i have ever worn so heavy before... it has clothed me for the days since she passed away inside of me, it gave me determined strength to give my baby the natural birth she deserved, it gave me clear thoughts on how i would say goodbye and it allowed me to take her into my heart as my second child.......my Willow Blue.
after much conversation thru my preg we had already named her...she has 5 names and they are all apart of our prayers and hopes for her life in this world and in the next
Her name is
Willow Blue Lotus Ariel Oldfield
Willow means freedom and she is part of the new generation of our family that is born free from past generations because of the forgiveness we have in Him. The water willow is a symbol of healing.
Blue: for the ocean and God's favourite colour. And for her father's love of the sea
Lotus: the heavenly flower, to remember her eastern roots and that she will always be our sri lankan princess.
Ariel: Lioness of God...our prophetic prayer for her life. The roaring bride of christ. We are grateful in the knowing she is now with THE lion of Judah.
this is my story. i would love to be in conatct with anyone who has had a loss at this stage... i guess i'm at a stage of many questions
Thankyou for reading