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Thread: Your Story, Remembrance Calendar, Our Memorial Websites

  1. #41
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    Quote Originally Posted by poppy77
    Someone suggested i should paste my story from another thread here

    (((Child ment))) (((preg ment)))

    I didnt plan my pregnacy last year..it was a wonderful conception planned only by God. It is my second baby and was very much wanted. I had the usual terrrible morning sickness more than the first and as i suspected at 19 weeks i found out it was a girl. I was in tears at such amzing news.

    the next weeks went perfectly , clear tests for everything. Though i suffer from SPD (seperated symphisis pubis) This was the very least of my worries. I wore a brace which made life alot easier.

    One night at 32 wks i was sitting up late with a girlfriend eating gelato (as u do!!) i was aware that there was no kicking in my very large stretched tight belly... usually eating sugary foods would be an instant response from her. The next morning i went into the hospital and was given the horrific news that she had no heart beat.

    i made a decision that afternoon to give birth naturally and was given the first dose of gel. By 6 the next morning without any other form of induction i went into full natural labour. With 4 amzing mid wifes and my even more amzing dr i gave birth. My husband was yet again the knight in shining armour (He's just like aragorn in Lord of the rings!). he delivered her and smothered her with kisses and tears. We spent 7 hours with her lovely dark body, weeping and strangely celebrating what was her little life in heaven. i held her proudly and yearned tears and groaned at her sudden unexpected loss.

    Its been 7 weeks since we held her tightly together and our souls wept and screamed as we said our final goodbye ...and as we sat there and boldy yearned from our soul a summer storm whipped up against the window of the birthing room, shaking the blinds and spalttering thick angry rain and lightning and thunder in the sky....


    As is with all loss the first week was numb...though i like to think of it as being clothed in God's peace for a time... A season he gives us after the extremes of death to just function. After 2 or so weeks...i believe someting is removed and you then feel the full force of greif like a tidal wave


    the last 7 weeks have been the most devastating days of my life... greif has become my daily routine, the days are long and a dull sadness folllows me wherever i go. Though we have had genuinely good times this summer, we have laughed and layed in the sun, drunk champagne and giggled with my girl friends... but we always return each new morning to the terrors of her loss.

    Its early days i know but it feels that things just get harder as the reality of loss sets in. Yes God is good and His promises are fuel to live... But He himself walked the unavoidable path of mourning and the only choice i see is to keep moving, keep facing, keep crying, keep giving myself to the unpredictable waves of greif.

    My son has been wonderful throughout these days... hugging us , giggling, literally pulling us out of bed to get on with the day. We are grayteful for him, he's been very sensative and a joy amidst the pain.


    One thing i have come to learn about is the the wild ocean that is grief...sometimes it's like huge unstoppable crashing waves that you just have to stand and bare the full force of, sometimes it's like tiny currents that wash over me thru the night that trickle tears on my pilllow for hours as i try and sleep with my hollow empty belly...sometimes it's still and i just stare at my amazing husband across a room....the only person who knows and shares the depth of my pain.

    i can also speak of a peace although that is not like any garment of God that i have ever worn so heavy before... it has clothed me for the days since she passed away inside of me, it gave me determined strength to give my baby the natural birth she deserved, it gave me clear thoughts on how i would say goodbye and it allowed me to take her into my heart as my second child.......my Willow Blue.

    after much conversation thru my preg we had already named her...she has 5 names and they are all apart of our prayers and hopes for her life in this world and in the next

    Her name is

    Willow Blue Lotus Ariel Oldfield

    Willow means freedom and she is part of the new generation of our family that is born free from past generations because of the forgiveness we have in Him. The water willow is a symbol of healing.

    Blue: for the ocean and God's favourite colour. And for her father's love of the sea

    Lotus: the heavenly flower, to remember her eastern roots and that she will always be our sri lankan princess.

    Ariel: Lioness of God...our prophetic prayer for her life. The roaring bride of christ. We are grateful in the knowing she is now with THE lion of Judah.


    this is my story. i would love to be in conatct with anyone who has had a loss at this stage... i guess i'm at a stage of many questions

    Thankyou for reading

  2. #42
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    Quote Originally Posted by yagranat
    My name is Yelena, 28. My heart goes out to all the ladies on this board. I'd like to share my loss with you in hopes that it would give me some kind of piece.

    My husband and I got pregnant on our honeymoon. We were thrilled. Our little bundle of joy was due on January 24, 2006 and we couldn't wait. My pregnancy was going perfectly, the baby was growing as it should, we passed all the tests with flying colors. At 33 weeks I went for a regular ultrasound and everything looked great. The baby turned from breach to head down and I was releived that I wouldn't have to have a c-section. At 34 weeks I had my regular check up appointment and again everything was perfect and the heartbeat was strong. That following Wednesday I noticed that I wasn't feeling the baby move as much but thought that she was just sleeping, it happend before so I wasn't worried. On thursday I started having mild contraction so I called my doctor and also mentioned that the baby's movement wasn't as active. She didn't really react to the movement but told me to monitor contractions and call her in the morning. On Friday, i still wasn't feeling the movement as I was used to it and so I decided to go to Labor and Delivery just to make sure everything was ok so I wouldn't spend the whole weekend worrying. When we got to the hospital, the nurse couldn't find the heartbeat and it took 4 doctors to finally tell me that our baby died. It is a horrific though to know that our little angel died inside me and I didn't even know it. I had to deliver our little girl. Because she was most likely dead for a few days, her skin was starting to come of her body.

    The images of my little girl's face will hunt me for the rest of my life. That horrific night plays in my head everyday, my husband crying when we're told that she is gone, my parents and my sister yelling at the nurses becasue my blood pressure was dropping so much and no one would do anything and my little girl's face. We named her Alyssa. Its been a little over a month now and I am back at work pretending that I am ok. I feel like a zombi. We want to try again as soon as possible but i am soo scared. Scared that I will be a control freak instead of enjoying the pregnancy, scared of another loss, scared of never being able to move on.

    The preliminary autopsy results showed that the cord didnt attached itself properly to the placenta right from the beginning and when she turned the cord ripped away. I thank god everyday that at least it wasn't anything genetic and I am told that this happens very very rarely. But I still wonder why it had to be us.

    Yelena

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    Quote Originally Posted by Elysita
    I don't really know what to say... this is my first time posting here and I thought I was feeling better about my MC, but I've been having a really hard time the past few days. My DH and I had talked about trying to get pregnant a few months ago and then back in September I decided to change jobs. I knew I would be taking a paycut at the new job, but I knew I would be much happier there. Well, few days before my last day at my old job I found out I was pregnant. My DH wanted me to stay but I told him no and started at my new job as a teacher in an infant room at a daycare. I was excited to find out that I was pregnant and my DH seemed to be excited too, but we were both a little stressed b/c of my recent job change. Everything seemed to be going fine, but in October I started bleeding a little bit. I went to the hospital and they did a U/S and told me everything was okay but to schedule an appointment with my do ctor. I went in and she told me she thought I was having a M/C so she sent me for another U/S where they told me everything looked fine and that at the next U/S we should be able to see the HB. Well, on my birthday I started having a lot of cramping and more bleeding and at some point during the night I told my DH I thought we should go to the hospital b/c I was in a lot of pain. We went and they did another U/S and told me that I had a M/C. Even though I knew something was wrong I still wasn't prepared for how much it would hurt to hear this news. It has been over 3 months now and I still think about it every day. Recently we went to go visit our friends who had just had a baby girl and it reminded me so much of how much I want a baby and that if everything had worked out we would be expecting in just a few months. The other night I was talking w/my DH and I told him I want to try for a baby again but he says he doesn't want to yet. I am completely devastated and don't know how to deal with this. I'm 27 and have wanted a baby for a while, but now after being pregnant and getting all excited it is just too hard to be okay with just waiting...

    Elyssa

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    Quote Originally Posted by Keiran's Mama
    Hi everyone. I am Jamie and my husband is Trey. We were both 23 when we conceived and now we are 24.

    I found out that we were expecting on May 29, 2005. Trey and I were thrilled. This was our first child. Trey named the baby "Freckle" because of how small she was when we found out. Everything was great at the first appointment. The baby was measuring good and we even heard the little heartbeat.

    I had to go to the perinatologist because I have lupus and am considered high-risk. It was just a routine u/s. The tech took measurements (many of them) and then the doctor came in to see us. He told us that he wasn't concerned about the medication I was taking. He had plenty of patients that had been on it with no adverse effects. I was so relieved. Then he told us that he was concerned about the pocket of fluid on the baby's neck called a cystic hygroma. He told us that it could be nothing, Down Syndrome, Turner Syndrome, Trisomy 13 or Trisomy 18. There was the greatest chance that it would be Turner's or Down's. He gave us only a 17% chance of T13 or T18. We had a CVS and opted for the FISH as well. On August 1 we got the call. We found out that our baby had T13 which was "incompatible with life." We also found out that we were carrying a little girl. We chose to continue the pregnancy.

    There were so many ups and downs. She had very few problems that could be found by u/s. She had a small VSD, a small hole in her brain and slightly inflamed kidneys. She didn't even have a cleft lip which is a very commom occurance with T13 babies. There were no major issues, so we got hopeful. She measured very small and they thought at one point she would die because the placenta was too small to sustain her. She kept defying the odds though.

    Three days before her due date I starting getting an awful pain in the top of my uterus and a few contractions. I had developed preeclampsia so they induced me. Labor wasn't too bad and she was born so quickly that they couldn't get me into the OR like they wanted to. We didn't know that she had died during labor at first, but as soon as she came out I knew. She was perfect in every way.

    Our little angel was born still on January 26, 2006 at 5:48 am. She was 19" long and weighed 4 lbs 12 oz.

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    Quote Originally Posted by ldkbaby00
    I would like to share my story.
    We conceived our daughter on Mother's Day of 2005. We found out in September that we were having a little girl. We were so excited. We already have a son and having a daughter would complete our family.
    The pregnancy progressed with no complications. Minimal weight gain, heartburn, nothing serious.
    My OB was never able to get a clear shot of our daughter's heart on the ultrasound so she wanted to send me for a fetal echocardiogram to make sure her heart was ok. We had no reason to worry. I had had ultrasounds at 15, 21, and 28 weeks and according to her I was carrying a very healthy little girl.
    We went for the fetal ECG at 34 weeks on December 15th. I will never forget that day. The cardiologist was very quiet during the whole test. After 45 minutes she said she had to go put some numbers in the computer and to wait for her in her office and she would be in to explain her findings.
    That was when our world fell apart. She came in and said that it appears our daughter had a diaphragmatic hernia. I thought hernia is not a big deal no problem. When she explained the effects of the hernia I was terrified. All of our daughters abdominal organs had moved up into her chest cavity. Her heart was pushed to the right side of her body under her armpit. Her lungs were also not developing properly because of the stress of the abdominal organs. Her stomach, intestines, spleen, and part of her liver were in her chest. As if that was not enough she also said her heart did not look right.
    She believed that our daughter had hypoplastic left heart syndrome. This along with the hernia were not compatible with life. At that moment our perfect family was shattered.
    We went back for a follow up fetal ECG on the 28th of December. This time the news was a little better. She did have the hernia but the heart problems did not look as bad as originally diagnosed. She could not tell us exactly what the problem was but there was still a problem.
    I began to prepare myself for the worst. My husband would not even think about the fact that our daughter might die.
    I was referred to a fantastic perinatologist. She confirmed the diagnosis of the hernia and the heart issues were still not known.
    My last appointment with her was on the 17th of January. She checked my cervix and I was dilated to 4cm. We decided that Madeline would be born on January 18th.
    We arrived at the hospital at 8:20 on the morning of the 18th. I was already 5cm by that time. I was hooked up to pitocin at 9:20. By 1:00pm I was dilated to 7cm. I got the epidural at that time. Ten minutes later I was dilated to 10cm and ready to push.
    After 3 pushes our beautiful daughter was born at 1:39pm. She let out the tiniest little cry and then was silent. She was placed on my chest for a few moments. She was baptized and then whisked away to the NICU at the Children's Hospital next door.
    She weighed 6lb 15 oz. She was 20 1/2 inches long. She had the most beautiful head of black hair.
    After being in recovery for about 2 hours I went to visit her at the NICU. She was so beautiful. My mom says she looked like me when I was born. We found out through another ECG performed on her after she was born that she had coarctation of the aorta and a ventricular septal defect. These were minor issues with her heart that could be repaired if she made it through the surgery to correct the hernia. We never made it to that point.
    During the night on the 19th and the morning of the 20th she took a turn for the worse. We had to make the decision of whether or not to let her keep fighting or to let her go. We decided in the early hours of the 20th to let her go and just provide comfort care for her. We held her that morning and said goodbye. All of a sudden her stats began to improve. After about 3 hours of improved stats they began to decrease again. We knew that she was going to be gone soon. She waited until everyone that was important in her life to visit before she died.
    Madeline fought for 51 hours before dying in her daddy's arms at 4:40pm on January 20th.
    We were able to hold her and bathe her and dress her before we had to leave her. We spent about 2 hours just holding her and loving her.
    We had her funeral on January 24th. So many people came to tell her goodbye. We buried her in our town at a cemetary by the golf course. Her daddy and her pappaw can go see her after a round of golf.
    I miss her everyday and know that we made the right decision for her care. I just wish I could see her one more time and look at her eyes. I never saw them because they paralyzed her with medicine so she would not fight the tubes and machines.
    I try to honor my Madeline Emiley everyday. I hope to continue to do that.
    Thanks for reading the story of my precious angel baby girl.


    Kim
    Madeline Emiley 1/18/06-1/20/06

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    Quote Originally Posted by mlwood
    I've already posted this in my own thread but I know that will get lost over time. So I'm posting my story here so it sticks.

    My husband (25) and I (22) have been married 3 years as of Feb 15. On January 9 2006 I gave birth to 20 week stillborn twin girls. Due to the type of twin pregnancy the girls would have been born via c-section on April 6 (instead of their June 2 due date). We were only 12 weeks away from meeting them or even 4 weeks as we were preparing to enter the hospital for daily monitoring starting at 24 weeks. If anything was discovered, the twins would be delivered early. I feel like I have a void in my life and I'm not sure how to fill it right now.

    Here's our story:

    My Husband and I started trying in September and got pregnant the first month. This was a complete shock to us as both my mom and my sister have fertility issues which the doctors think are genetic. I assumed I would take years to get pregnant -but I didn't. We were overjoyed - even more so when were told we were having identical twins!!! At the time we thought our life was perfect.

    We knew from the beginning that the pregnancy was risky - there was no membrane dividing the girls which would mean guaranteed cord tanglement issues. We knew their cords woudl tangle, but we also knew it wasn't always life threatening.

    Our 20 week ultrasound went perfect. The girls were healthy and perfect. The only problem was that they kept getting in the way of each other during the ultrasound. So after a 2 1/2 hour ultrasound the tech sent us home to rest and to come back 2 days later. We were excited for the follow up appointment because it meant we would get another peak at the girls. However within 2 minutes of the ultrasound we'd been told that they were no longer alive. Their cords were tangled, which we already knew and expected, but because they were so strong and healthy they'd pulled the knot too tight to allow for any cord flow. They couldn't survive. We didn't think it would actually happen.

    I know it wasn't my body, I know it was just an "accident", but I also feel like I should have prevented it. I almost feel like if they weren't so healthy and strong they wouldn't have had the strength to do this. I know better than to have those feelings though. There really was nothing I could have done. I'm just glad they were part of my life for that short amount of time.

    I look at their pictures often - and I marvel at how perfect they were - even down to their little toes. The hospital gave us a memory box which has little outfits, bracelets and their birth certificates. But the best part of it is their foot print cards. They were so tiny but perfect!!

    We are waiting for doctors approval before we start trying again. We do want to add to our family.

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    Quote Originally Posted by angie911
    I have been active on this board for 4 months now, but have not given my story. So here it is! (I'm sure everyone knows it by now!)

    Ryan and I found out we were pg after trying for 2 weeks! That's right, we weren't exactly sure of my ovulation, but I was pretty certain so we just gave it a try. I thought, "NO WAY" I started trying because I thought it would take longer. I was nervous and have to admit, VERY LEARY (sp) of being a parent. I had thoughts of not wanting this child. Well, my thoughts came true after telling the entire world and we could not find a heart beat on Valentines Day at 12 weeks. Baby died at 10 weeks. Our Due date was August 23, 2005. I m/c'd naturally, with Contractions and water breaking. It was horrible, but glad I didn't have a D/C.

    We quickly tried again, our doctor saying go ahead as soon as I wanted to. He did not think there was a need to wait. I started charting temps and reading the internet and books regarding fertility. I got pg again in early May or late April. We miscarried again at 6 weeks. Then I went on to get pg again late july with a m/c in August. This time my doctor had put me on glucaphage/metphormine incase I was having insluin problems. Obviously not the problem.

    We were so sick of the roller coaster. We didn't want to try. I put away my thermometer and just continued taking the Glucaphoge and Pre-Natals. We got pg the first cylce just 3-4 weeks later. We were so nervous and not really truley excited. We just knew it would happen again. Sure enough I felt a decrease in my symptoms and thought I was m/c'ing again. We went to the doctor got an ultra sound, they put the baby at 5 weeks with no heart beat. BUT WAIT they said, there is nothing wrong that we can see. You still have symptoms and the baby could be ok. (I doubted it strongly, crying the entire time that I was in the office) We came back a week later to have another ultra sound. WE SAW THE HEART BEATS!!! That's right we had twins and it was the first time we had ever seen hearts beating inside me. It was a precious moment and I still get weepy eyed, just thinking about it! God had taken the lives of 3 of our babies, but was going to give us Twins instead. OK! I can deal with this. Well, we had conquered the "don't get excited" attitude with the other m/c's but this one with twins, and heartbeats, well, we were in too deep! We were so excited we couldn't stand it. I was told I had a blood pocket and I was not to lift anything. NOTHING! Our next appointment was two weeks later. THE LONGEST TWO WEEKS OF OUR LIVES!

    During the next two weeks I did not lift a finger and spent alot of time praying, and enjoying being pregnant. At the next appointment, I was worried. I knew my symptoms had decreased and I was just unsure. I thought it was just because of my worry and that nothing really could be wrong. But we went in and saw our babies with no hearts beating and we knew it was over. Our wonderful doctor cried with us along with the entire office. Our situation is few and far between in the small office in Muskegon, Michigan. We left with our lives shattered again. We held on to whatever we could and clung to God. We had a D/C on Halloween Morning of 2005. We have never experienced the full realization of God's control until that point. He is/was and always will be in control.

    Now during the past couple of months, we have been concentrating life and not getting pregnant. In fact, I was worried I was pg, over Thanksgiving and I cried, just not ready to jump on the miscarriage rollercoaster. We are currently seeing a Specialist. He told us to wait to get pg. He wants to do alot of testing. We are not ready yet anyway. We have lost 5 children in one year and they are waiting in heaven for us. We are not capable of losing another for a little while. We are thankful we can conceive easily and pray that that trend continues.

    I have done a tremendous amount of reading and research. I love the book, "Coming to Term" by Jon Cohen. EXCELLENT BOOK! I also have found that this Board has been amazing. It is where I have been able to love on and help others understand a few things about their m/c, and yet heal along with them.

    Where are we now? Still hate seeing pg women, ok with little babies, but hate the ones that were born around my first due date-Aug 23! Not really an ok feeling, but honest with God and realize I would hate for them to experience what we are. No one deserves that. We want a child and would love just one. and then if we had more m/c after, we would be sad, but not without hope. I shouldn't say that. We are never without Hope, we have Jesus Christ, but sometimes, it just seems that way.

    I want to thank each one of you who have cared about me. I have been low today and the past several Days. I don't know why, other than it has been over 1 year since my 1st m/c and I am no closer to carring to term. I hurt all over and feel very empty. It is as if my m/c just occured. I'm not worried! Joy comes in the morning!

    Thanks for listening!

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    Quote Originally Posted by shellyedin
    Hi Everyone

    I am new to this site and wanted to share my story. I am from Scotland and my b/f and I wanted to start trying for a baby while on holiday in oz for a month. My last period was 28th Jan 06. We found out in Sydney on 24th Feb that I was pregnant and it happened the first month of us trying. Everything appeared to be ok I felt quite lucky that I had no morning sickness just sore back and breasts which all seemed fairly standard. On 1st April I started to get a brownish discharge and telephoned our 24 hours NHS service as no doctor comes out to you here in the uk after hours. I spoke with a nurse and she said if I am not bleeding red of have cramps then all is fine. This brown discharge continued until 13th April where I though I better speak to the midwife as it was not a lot of discharge but was concerned that it should not be going on as long as this. I was told to call the hospital and get a scan the following day.

    There had been a lot of chat amoungst my family about twins and that night I went to bed and had a dream about seeing two babies on a scan picture. I woke up went to the toilet and was bleeding red I was distraught my b/f was working nightshift and I phoned him immediately. We went to the hospital where they took blood and sent me home to come back the next day for the scan at 9.15 which I arranged on the Thursday.

    I knew the worst at this point, I always remember people saying to me you will know when you are pregnant and they were right but now I knew there was something really wrong.

    My b/f my mum and I went for the scan on the Friday 14th April and as soon as I saw the screen there was no heartbeat. I was also given an internal scan. I was told that the hospital I was in could not perform a D & C until 24th April and another hospital in the area could not give me a D & C until 18th April all because of easter holidays, obviously I opted for the one on the 18th. I was sent away with a handful of painkillers. From that point onwards the pains became worse and on the Saturday I had to go to another hospital to get more painkillers to try and get me through till the Tuesday, what annoys me about the british NHS is no doctor will come to you out of hours I was getting in a lot of pain but still had to go out and see someone to get more painkillers as I was not given enough to start with. Over the weekend the pain got worse and I took the painkillers when I went to the hospital on the Tuesday I was sent for another scan and I had a feeling that I was not going to need a D & C. When they scanned me my womb was empty, my body had done it on it's own which in some ways I am grateful for but if I had been seen when I first alerted someone on the 1st April to the brown discharge I would not have had to have gone through all the physical pain.

    We were informed at the first scan that the baby died at 8 weeks 4 / 5 days. Our baby was due 4th November 2006.

    My b/f and I have decided to name our baby Amy much to the disapproval of some of our family members because as they see it, it wasn't a baby well I am sorry to us it was and if you look at the fetal development online you will see it had a heartbeat etc.

    Anyway as this week as gone on my pain has become a lot easier but the mental pain has not and I don't know if it ever will.

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    Quote Originally Posted by nicoleballinger
    I have just joined this website; it's the first time I have ever explored the Net as a resource of comfort. Wow...having read some of the stories here, it's incredibly 'normalizing' for me.

    I was blessed with the most uneventful pregnancy and healthy baby girl in Nov. 2000. Since then, we have been hoping to produce a sibling for her. It just doesn't seem to be 'in the cards', as we have suffered 4 miscarriages since.

    Each baby has been lost due to unknown causes, and each around the 8 to 9 week mark. We see one of the country's top ob/gyn's and he indicates that my husband and I are both perfectly healthy.

    We have done some healing things. We named each baby (together, we chose 'unisex' names we like: Alex, Sam, Max and Kim). We planted a tree for each one, and I have posted a memorial to them. I have sought counselling twice for my grief. Yet the pain remains immense. I know I should be grateful for the living child we have, to accept the losses, and to try to let the pain go. But I just feel stuck for the past 3.5 years (since we first miscarried).

    Now a close friend of mine has just given birth to a little one that was due around the same time that Max was. I bumped into them today, and I was triggered into my grief all over again. I want to be happy for my friend, but I am so angry and jealous. I am triggered, by the way, everytime I see a baby, a pregnant belly, or a family with more than one child....so I am triggered virtually everyday. That's how intense this longing and emptiness is within me. I know that you women will understand: it feels wonderful to know that I will finally be understood.

    Any words of support would be greatly appreciated. I can see how you women take care of each other here, and I am looking forward to being of support too. I live in a small town, and have no one to talk to about this since there is no one I know who has also experienced recurrent miscarriages.

    It feels good to be here: I feel that I belong, and that I am no longer alone (eventhough I am looking straight at a computer monitor!)

    Thank you so much,
    Nicole

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    Quote Originally Posted by 2angels0102
    my name is tressa and i am 30 years old, i have been married for 10 years and for the first 5 years we tried to concieve (i have pcos) i finally became preg ant on october 23 2001 i became pregnant with first baby. then over thanksgiving weekend i lost the baby. then on june 22, 2002 (day before husbands birthday) we found out i was pregnant again. we were so excited. the second one was so different from the first one. what made it so more real was that i saw the heart beat during an ultrasound, actually 2 times. then on the daywe went to hear the heartbeat, the dr could hear the placenta but was unable to get the heartbeat. they still felt confident that this baby was going to go full term. the dr even said by golly we did it. this one is for sure going to happen. the very next day (august 7, 2002) i woke up feeling different, i had no symptoms of being pregnant and i started spotting. i was use to the spotting cause that was a weekly thing. i called the dr and of course i went in for another ultra sound. this was a weekly things as well. my friend was the ultra sound tech and also the one to have to tell me that i had lost my baby. she was the one who found both of my babies had gone. i really lost it at this point, it touched me that everyone in the office cried even the dr. the very next day i had a D&C. we have not tried since. i have really had a hard time, i really want a baby. but i am so scared. i decieded that God was trying to tell me something, so i went back to school and next may i will graduate, then we will start trying again. my dr does not want me working, going to school and being pregnant. i am waiting till i graduate because i think that is what God has planned for our family. i want to be able to give my baby the world. i think about my 2 angels up in heaven everyday. and i cry just knowing that they are up there and that i never got to hold them or kiss them. but i know that soon i will have a baby to hold and one that i know that they will watch over. there is my story, i know it is long, i think this helped me by writing it out.

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