Your Story, Remembrance Calendar, Our Memorial Websites

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Your Story, Remembrance Calendar, Our Memorial Websites

:angel7: Share Your Story :angel7:

Please use this thread to share the story of your loss and read about others who have experienced something similar.

:angel7: Pregnancy & Infant Loss Remembrance Calendar :angel7:

We have a calendar where you can list important dates you would like to remember, such as EDD's, birthdays, the anniversary of your miscarriage or baby's death etc.

Pregnancy & Infant Loss Support Remembrance Calendar

:gotidea: Instructions - To insert an annually repeating event

1. Go to the month you want to add the event to.
2. At the top where it says 'Add Events' click 'Periodic'.
3. Then choose create (top left).
4. Enter the details and choose a category if applicable.
5. Where it says 'How To Repeat' choose the day of the month to repeat on and select 'Every Year'.
6. Above that where it says 'Until' choose the date you want the event to stop repeating. Please note that there is no repeat indefinately option. To get the event to keep repeating year after you you must click 'Submit' and then go back in and edit to choose the next year 'up' and so on.
7. When you have finished click 'Submit'.

:angel7: Our Members Memorial Websites :angel7:

Some members have created a website in memorial of their lost children. If you would like yours to be listed here please send me a PM and i will include it.
Created by C.C. (thealmonfamily)

Jack's Website
Created by Joey (joeythegirl)

Jeremiah's Website
Created by Sheena (Shee_na)
Created by Dee (Dee68 )

Sebastian and Sebanna's Website
Created by (motheroffive)

Zane's Website
Created by Sarah (Uropachild)
WARNING - Also includes new pregnancy

Peter's Caring Bridge Site
Created by Julie (sweetpetunia)

Nataley's Websites
Created by Karen & Gabe (karenj)

Cayman's Website
Created by Kelly (frosty's girl)

Lachlan's Website
Created by Marcelle (marcelle)

Isabella's Website
Created by Kristen (MomtoLuca&angelbella)

Rebecca's Website
Created by Robin Hall (rh1430)

Angel's Website
Created by Abby (abbyrocks2427)

Uropachild's picture
Joined: 08/09/05
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"Carey_78" wrote:

My name is Carey and I am 25 years old. My husband, Nathaniel, and I have been married since April 7, 2001. I am a Title I reading teacher for 2nd and 3rd grades in west central Illinois. My husband was laid off in September from his job at a local factory which is moving to Mexico. He is currently looking for a job. We have been trying to conceive since September 9, 2001. I became pregnant in July of 2002 and miscarried in September of that year. I went on to become pregnant again in the beginning of 2003 and miscarried in March. I became pregnant in June of 2003 and miscarried for the third time. I had D&C's with my first two pregnancies and miscarried naturally the third time. After my third miscarriage, my doctor discovered that I had a septate uterus and in late November of 2003 I had surgery to remove the septum from my uterus. My doctor believes that the septum had been the cause of my miscarriages since when an egg implants on the septum, which has poor or no blood supply, it dies once it gets to the point where it needs a strong blood supply. Since the septum is right as the egg comes out of the fallopian tubes, that is usually where it implants. I have also been tested for diabetes, thyroid problems, and progesterone problems. Those tests all came back fine. My husband and I are ttc again. That is my story and I look forward to getting to know, meeting, and helping any newcomers to the group. Words cannot express what the ladies here have done for me. This is such an emotional home for me. I don't know what I would do without it. Smile ~Carey
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"maxwellmom" wrote:

Hi. I'm Lee. 31. I lost my baby girl on 8-8-03 at 13 wks. At 12 wks, we had gone in for an ultrasound test called the Nucal Translucency screening. (It is not yet standard of care in the US, but is becoming more common.) Basically, they measure the small space in the back of the fetus' neck to determin a RISK (not diagnose) for Downs and other chromosomal problems. Well, our baby showed an extreme amount of fluid build up in the head, neck, back and abdomen. It was a condition known as Cystic Hygroma. It is caused by malfunction in the lymph nodes and heart and is not compatible with life, especially considering how severe it was so early in our baby. Although the Cystic Hygroma is related to chromosomal problems about 50% of the time, our baby's condition was not (as shown by a CVS). We had a series of more tests (more ultrasounds and the CVS) over the next several days to confirm the results.

Here is the part I have never shared before, except with close family. But I gotta think that someone else out there has gone through the same thing and I hope it helps someone to share my story...

We saw or consulted 5 Doctors. The two neo-natal specialists that I saw, my regualr OB, my SIL OB and my BIL OB. They all told me the same thing: that our baby girl would not survive beyond 20 wks inutero. Eventually the baby's heart cannot keep up with the added burden of this fluid and it also does not allow the spinal cord or brain to ever fully develop. We made the most difficult decision of out entire lives (OMG, I am crying so hard right now) - to let our baby go. We had a D&E to save me the pain of as much as 8 more weeks of mental anguish and a more complicated late D&C or stillbirth. I know that there are people who would disagree with this decision down to their very core; but fortunately, I haven't come across too many of those.

We named her Bailey, because it is a name that too me, sounds forever young and so beautiful as I know she would have been.

Thank you to all you ladies who have been here for me.


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"~Sabrina~" wrote:

Well this is my first time posting over here. I actually thought my sadness had passed. but has come back horribly these last few days. So I guess here's my story.

I thought I had gotten a BFP on July 19th. So I went in to have a BT done and it was BFN. So I thought nothing more when AF started the next day. Then what I thought was CD 12 I had been spotting and cramping almost every day since AF and just on a whim took a hpt. And it was blarring +. I was thrilled because my first two I had normal AF's and late + hpt. So it gave me no reason to worry other then the spotting. I had never done that before. So I called my CNM, it was a weekend and she was out of town so I had to talk to the OB in practice with her. He told me he was sure it was an ectopic and to go in and get another BT but to not get excited when it was +.

So I went in and did the BT. level was 117. I couldn't help it, I got excited. Went back in on Tues. to get another draw and I went ahead and asked my CNM to order my OB blood work so I didn't have to get poked twice. Later that day I started cramping again and bleeding red. Up to this point my spotting was all brown. And this was running red blood. I called my CNM and she told me that my results were not good. My HCG was sown to 71. I of course cried like crazy all night. I had to see her that Thursday to be checked and make sure everything was passing naturally.

Thursday I went ot see her and to out surprise my bleeding had stopped and my cervix was shut tight. Wondering what was going on my CNM ordered another BT. This time my level was 85, I was shocked! How could that be? She explained to me that either placenta tissue was still trying to produce or I m/c a twin. I had to do another BT in 2 days to see what leve,s were doing.

So on Saturday I went in again. Results came back at 168!!! I was jumping up and down. I was spotting brown off and on but they just assumed it was from implantation since my levels were doubling.

I went and had another BT done on Monday and that didn't double. Level was 235. So they scheduled my U/S only to find that they couldn't see anything because the baby wasn't big enough yet.

Another set of BT and it was 255. Then another U/S It was ectopic. So I couldn't leave the drs until I got my first round of methotroxate. I was devistated. I never would have though that after having 3 normal babies...that this would ever happen to me.

Lost my angel on Aug. 11th 2004. And to make matters worse, as DH and I were lying aroung the house that evening being sad, we got a phone call that his uncle (Who lived 2 miles away) Had just died in a tragic farming accident. All my sadness about the ectopic was gone. And I actually didn't get really sad about it much more after that until these past few days. I guess maybe I didn't grieve everything out because I was distracted.. I don't know.

Anyways, that's my story. Oh, and my name is Sabrina and DH is Jeff.

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"revlaurie" wrote:

I am new to this site, but would love some words of support.
My husband and I were expecting our first child this last Nov, and my pregnancy was wonderful, perfectly healthy. When I went into labour we were excited to go to the hosptial right on schedule! When we arrived I had an U/S, but the nurse paged the doctor on call, who turned to us and told us there was no heartbeat! This was a shock to us, as I had been to the doctor 2 days earlier and everything was fine as ususal.
I then had to undure 22 hours of labour to give birth, full term, to my baby girl Angelina knowing she was already gone. It was a heart-wrenching labour of love.
We were able to hold her, 8 pounds and perfdctly formed, and have here baptized. But leaving the hopsital with emtpy arms was tormenting. Coming home to pack up a nursery was equally devastating. It has been 3 months,and we still struggle to stay positive. We want to try again, but am afraid we will be iflled with fear. To this day, no cause has been found for her death.
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"PINKBOW" wrote:

I am new to this site, and my heart goes out to everyone who has experienced a loss! I too experienced a loss, and would like to share my story. I am 27 years old and have a two year old little boy and we were expecting the birth of our daughter this past Christmas. We all went in for my 24 week appt. thinking everthing was fine and were told there was no heartbeat. I was sent to deliver right from my doctors office and after 14 hours of labor we got to hold our beautiful little angle. My son picked out her name and he named her "Abby". Abby was lost due to Placenta Abruptia on Sept. 15. 2004. She is forever in our hearts and our minds!
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"eniper" wrote:

I became pregnant with twins in Sept. '04. Everything was progressing wonderfully. On Feb. 8th I had an u/s and they measured my cervix. One baby had more fluid but nothing they were overly concerned about. On February 15th I wasn't feeling very well. I felt like the babies were thumping on my cervix. Later that night I started feeling crampy. An hour later I started bleeding and the cramping increased. It turns out I was contracting. This was my first pregnancy and didn't know what it felt like. I got to the hospital already dilated 10cm with one of the twins legs in my uterus. Both boys were born by 11:10pm. They survived until 8am and 11am the next morning, Feb. 16, 2005. We are burying them Tuesday, Feb. 22, 2005. As you can imagine my husband and I are devastated. I just don't see how we are going to get past this. I know time will heal but it seems impossible at this time.
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"July-Moonchild" wrote:

[LC mentioned]

I'm new here too and wanted to share my story. I hate that any of us have had to endure what we have! I'm Lisa, mommy to one living child, a son and three angels.

My first angel was the result of a blighted ovum at 9 weeks in April 2003.

My second angel, ~Ryan Joseph~ was born still on 10/27/03 at 22.4 weeks after my water broke. He was a perfect little boy, weighing in at 1lb, .09 oz and measuring 10 inches long. I had some very serious complications after his birth when the placenta wouldn't detach. I ended up hemorrhaging and required surgery, but thankfully, my uterus was saved!! I did end of having to have 5 blood transfusions and two fresh, frozen plasma transfusions. Since there was no reason discovered for the preterm premature rupture of membranes (PPROM-the medical term for what happened to me), my OB's felt after a year, that it was safe for me to get pregnant again.

As scared as DH and I were, we decided to forge ahead and got pregnant the first month of trying and I got my BFP on ~Ryan's~ one year Angel Day, 10/27/04. All was going well, despite me being very nervous. My OBs were watching me pretty closely and I had no signs of infection at all and had several U/S to monitor baby's growth and development. I had pretty bad morning sickness, so unlike my first two pregnancies, so I had a feeling this was a girl. Had a level II u/s with a perinatologist at 13.5 weeks and the doctor said that he couldn't be 100% sure, but if he had to take an educated guess, than he said it was probably a girl...our little Princess. We came up with the name Mallory Nicole and I was sooo excited. My excitement came to a screeching halt on 1/18/05 when, out of the blue, my water broke again. I went to the perinatologist and he revealed that yes, I had had PPROM again, this time at 15 weeks and that I had only a few pockets of fluid left..not enough for lung development. We were devastated. He suggested that try to drink plenty of fluids, stay completely off my feet and see if I would reseal, but that was not to be as I started cramping and spotting and when I went to the doctor, I was already dilated to 2 and labor was inevitable. Because of my previous history, the doctor's didn't want to chance me having to deliver, so she performed a D & E on 1/21/05. More complications ensued and I had to have a D & C on 2/6/05 because the first doctor (not my regular OB) didn't get everything and I started bleeding like crazy over the course of three days. Called my OB and she had me come on a Saturday night at 11PM, did an exam, found that I was still dilated and shuffled me off to the OR.

So, in 15 months, I lost two pieces of my heart. I'm hurt, confused and numb. Since I had two PPROMs in a row, they are sure now it's not just a "fluke", so I'll be having some extensive testing done in the next few months.

DH is adamant about not wanting me to get pregnant anymore. I would really LOVE to get pregnant again, but don't know how to convince my DH of this. He's not wanting to discuss it right now. He just says "No way will I put you and our family through this again!" On one hand, I can see his point...we have a three year old to consider and I can't keep putting my life in jeopardy..he needs me. But my heart is wanting to get tested, "fixed" if that's possible and get pregnant again. I don't think that's unreasonable, do you?

We have been talking about adoption, but we don't have thousands of $$ to do a private one and I'm scared to death of foster parenting and I get attached and they reunify the child w/ his/her natural family..I'd just DIE!

So...that's my long story. If you've gotten this far, thanks.

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"schapman" wrote:


My name is Sharon and I am married to Nick. On Dec. 7, 2003, our beautiful baby boy, Benjamin, was born prematurely @ 22 weeks due to a Group B Strep infection causing premature labor. I had an Incompetent Cervix, which dialated to 1 cm, allowing the GBS bacterial to invade Ben's placenta and amniotic fluid.

You can read his story @

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"mommie182b" wrote:

OM..... that was soooo sad i got major goose bumps at the end... well here is my story not very long but i had trouble with the hospital to lol...
well chris and i have been together for awhile and i found out i was pregnant officially in july. we were so excited but really scared because we were teens and i was starting college in the fall and really didnt know what to do. I was kicked out of my foster home because i was pregnant and his family took me as there own. I had very light spotting around 4-5 wks and i really didnt think anything of it because it was around my period time. It was onlt when i wiped and i thought possibly it could have been from the intercourse the night before so i just reasted and it went away. well on about the ummm 7th of august i started bleeding the same way so i did the same thing but the blood didnt go away. I waited till firday the 8th to go to the Er cause i was still bleeding but i had NO cramps. They had me there for over four hours. when we got there we were the first. we sat in the waiting room for 25-30 min and finally i was called then they checked for temp and blood pressure and it was fine. after that we had to wait another 30 min to even go into a room. Slow here for a little town. we went in and they took my blood(good thing im ok with that) they had to waite a hour in a half to get the results. SLOW then they told me to pee in a cup. i did and it took them a while to come and even check in on me and they finally got the pee and examined it. we were sitting for about another hour and a lady comes and we go get a ultrasound. We heard the heart beat and it was 138.. GOOD they said and we were able to it. very small and hard to see due to bladder being full then i became Gassy GRRRRRRR... we were told that there was really nothing wrong with me and the bleeding should satop. well the bleeding did after a day and i was so happy. But i still had a dr. appt on monday to be examined. i went and the doc said i closed up fine and there should be no worried. well about 9 hrs later im back at the ER... THEY were getting to know me. i had passed the baby at home and had to get checked out. i went at 11 and we didnt leave till about 2ish. i hated that.. i dont have to get a dc done cause i am passing it normal but i still have to get my blood drawn every three days it seems like. well this is my story so far... its only been ten days and im STILL bleeding... is there something wrong with that???
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"blondy524" wrote:

My boyfriend and I (both 21 years old) found out I was pregnant in June on the day that we left for our trip to the beach. What an exciting way to start out a vacation, right?! We were excited and overwhelmed and completely surprised since we were definately not trying. I was already 7 weeks along. We did not tell our families-we wanted to wait until I was 13 or 14 weeks. Since I live at home with my parents, I'm surprised they didn't suspect anything since I was sooo tired all the time. Our first official appointment was right before I started my 14th week. (We had been in for a blood test to confirm the pregnancy.) My midwife did the exam and she tried to find a heartbeat with the doppler but no luck. She did an ultrasound but said she wasn't very experienced so she had the doctor take a look. Then we saw our baby but his little heart was very still. I was strong about it until we got to the car and then I broke down. I couldn't believe this was happening to me. The day before I had bought a little hat and outfit for him. The night before I had laid in bed and dreamed about feeling him move for the first time. My body held on to him for 2 weeks before it finally gave him up on Aug 2, 2003. That was physically and emotionally the worst pain I had ever experience in my life. I still can't believe he is gone. I can't believe I will never hold him or see him smile or hear him laugh. I've been writing "he" and "him" the whole time because I just had this feeling that our baby was a little boy - so my boyfriend and I named him Bradley Evan. The hardest part was not having anyone to talk to about it. I was raised in the church and would freaked my parents out if I had told them and I didn't want them to worry so I had to go it alone, just my boyfriend and me. Thanks for letting me share my story!
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"LemonadeGirl1" wrote:

I was just about to graduate from college when I got a little surprise. My boyfriend and I weren't ready to be parents, it wasn't planned, but nonetheless I became so excited to be a mommy, and wanted so much to have this baby.

Everything seemed to go perfectly, there were no problems at all, I didn't even get morning sickness, and I was able to hear a strong healthy heartbeat and see my baby moving in me on my ultrasound. When I was 6 months along my baby stopped kicking. Of course that freaked me out, so we went to hospital where they tried to find a heart beat, and couldn't, and an ultrasound confirmed that my baby was dead. I had to do the whole labor thing, they induced me, I got an epidural (which didn't take very well) so I was so angry that not only is my baby dead, but I have to go through all that pain for nothing, there was no end goal of taking home the baby. She was born at 9:23 am on 3/19/02.

They never found out what went wrong, all the tests were normal. I'll never know what went wrong, which makes it harder. We named her Jenna Christina, and had her cremated. Her father and I (we're no longer together) each have half of her ashes. I think about her all the time. For a while it was so hard, I couldnt' even go back to work for a month because I was so depressed. I've been able to make my peace with the whole thing, but not a day goes by when I don't think of her and picture her running around. The following saying is so true when we lose children: "When you lose a parent, you've lost your past, but when you lose a child, you've lost your future." Thanks for letting me share.

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"mom2lily" wrote:

I had baby #1 Lily on December 8th 2001. We decided that we wanted to have our children like a year and a half apart, so when she was 6 months old we started trying, we knew it would take a few times. 6 months later we found out I was 12 weeks along. We were thrilled!!! We would have the baby when we wanted to. Everything went perfectly, we went in at 24 weeks for an ultrasound and found out that our baby was breech, but that he would be OK. Well I was scheduled for another u/s at 31 weeks. At 30 weeks I started having heavy bleeding and contractions. I hadn't felt the baby kick in a few days, but a little ealier, I hadn't felt baby for 3 days went in to be checked and baby was fine, he wasn't very active, so I thought it was just normal. My contractions increased, but I thought they were just BH contractions, because I knew this was way to early to go into labor. We went to the hospital at 5:00 because of the bleeding, they checked me and said that I was going into labor. I mentioned not feeling him kick, so they did an u/s. they found he had been suffocated by the umbilica cord when he turned and became breech. I delived a stillborn baby on March 19 2003. We named him Mattew Lewis. If the doctor would have been more skilled at u/s we may not have lost him. I don't blame him, I blame his medical school. But we have been blesed with another angel coming soon.
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"we2lj2003" wrote:

I was Married to My first husband when we started to go for infertility treatments then I was told I couldnt get pregnant on my own .. without the help of drugs... Then my 1st husband and I got divorved and I met my husband that i am with now .. we tried and tried and then we decided to stop trying because month after month of not getting pregnant it was becoming to much .. then a few months later we decided to give it one more shot .. and the month that we started to try again we got pregnant.. We was beyond happy .. for 7 weeks I had cramping and bleeding and I would go back and forth to the doctors and they would say everything looked fine .. they did a ultra sound and i seen the heart beat everything was going good then december 6th 2004 I had gone food shopping and came home and started to have these pains and alittle spotting .. so i thought it was normal because I have been feeling the same thing for weeks .. so my husband and I went to bed and I got woken up by these very very intense pains and so we decided to go to the ER and 45 minutes later I miscarriaged ... I was 7 weeeks and a few days pregnant ..
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"lillywhiteroses" wrote:

My story, Quite long sorry

DH and I aiready have 2 kids each and we decided we would like to have 2 together as well, we were ttc for 6 months and we found out we were pregnant when we were 4 weeks,
at 6.5weeks we were bleeding and had to go for a scan, thats we when descovered we were going to have twins, we were so excited but kind of scared and shocked and in a daze all at the same time, everything seemed to be going fine, when went for another scan at 12weeks(mon)
and at this scan everything was looking great both babies growing fine, but the couldnt find a sac between so they thought they babies must be sharing the same sac which makes it a very very complicated pregnancy with lots of things that can easily go wrong, But ON the fri @ 12weeks5days, I start bleeding lost about 1/2 cup in 15mins, so we go to the ER and I get checked over, and had a scan were everything was still fine, they cant really understand how I could be bleeding so much but it was coming form outside the sac and away from the placenta, so shouldnt harm the babies in any way, I get put on rest and have to get home help as I have a daughter who has cerebral palsy,
things carry on ok and the bleeding slows but doesnt stop very often, I continue taking things easy and go for another scan @16 and everyone gets excited they have found that the babies do have a sac each so this is ment to make things easier, we continue on and finialy get to see a OB at 19 weeks who says that everything seems fine and I should be able to carry to 36 weeks, (I had to laugh as I cant even carry one baby that long) the next night things get funny again I passthis Huge solid blood clot into the toilet and had to fish it out to make sure it wasnt a baby, I phone my midwife conserend who checks me out everythings ok the babys heartbeats are good, on the 30th nov 04 we go for a scan were 20weeks and so excited cause we were going to find out the sex,
everything in this scan looked perfect and we found out they were girls, we left the clinic and went to tell family members the good news, a couple of hours later I start having weird pains so we go to the maternaty ward, to get checked out, They stuck me on the toko machine (its the thing that gives printouts of heartbeats and if your having contraction) both the twins heartbeats were fine and for the 30mins I was there I had the pains but was not having contractions, I was offered the choice to stay in hospital in bed rest or go home on bed rest, I already had home help from being on rest anyway so went home, When we left we were told that if i was going into labour they couldnt stop it as i was only 20weeks,

Sleeping that night was a killer but the pains died down,
I asked DH to saty home from owrk the next morning as I just wanted him around, he couldnt, the pains were still here but just niggles, (5am)
at 1045am I felt kind of funny the pains had gone but I rang DH and told him I needed him to come home, I rang my midwife and told her I was feeling funny and she came right over, at 1110am I went into labour I had tha closed bag of waters hanging out between my legs, midwife told me to l ay down and we waited for dh to get home, while my home help put blankets on the back seat of my midwifes car, DH gets home at 1120am and we get into the car, at 1125 still in my driveway I had Makayla and 5 min later I had Liliana Laying the in the car with DH for support we drive the 5 mins to the hospital we get taken to a room where I delivered the placenta, (was in labour for only 26mins all up) NOW we had to wait for Makayla and Liliana to died as there was nothing anyone could do, Liliana died first at 1245pm but Makayla kept fighting and lived untill 245pm, My parents and sister and some aunties and some friends came to the hospital while the babies were still alive, and my two kids as well My step children were unfortunatly 5 hours away so couldnt come till the next day,
I am glad thaI have always been able to predect just befor I go into labour otherwise Dh would have missed thier birth which was really worring him on the way home as we new they wouldnt survive being so early, I had to spend the night in hospital as I lost a heap of blood and needed a drip to controll the bleeding, DH got to stay with me

When we went home the next day we were able to take the twins bodies with us as they were too small to be embarmed(what they do to preserve dead people) We hyad the twins at home in their coffin untill the 4th dec when we had a sevice for them at the place we got married and then as a family we drove them to the crematorian, this was the first time I had to leave my babies somewhere, we collected their ashes the next morning and now they rest at home with us in their special urn which DH the Kids and I all chose together,

Thanks for reading my story I am sorry it was so long, But we struggled the hole way though the pregnancy to carry the twins so far, and were thank full that we got the right to name them, we have birth and death certificates, we even had a family photo taken as for just a little while we were a family with 6 kids

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"tisaboom" wrote:

This is hard, to leave the august board and come here! but i know how supportive this website has been for me! My journey isnt over yet! I had a perfectly fine pregnancy, no m/s just tired. So when we went to the Dr.'s Monday I was floored! We had an u/s and the nurse asked me if my dates could be off, I was thinking I was farther along since I showed so early, but she said I only measured at 8 wks when I thought 10 wks, When she never turned the monitor on, I just had a sinking feeling, she told me to get dressed and the dr would see me!! Now I absolutely adore my dr. I started seeing him when my first husband and I couldnt conceive! something which my husband now and I did quite on accident! Well he came in and was all smiles and said that when he saw my name and why I was there he was so excited. So I started to relax, but he hadnt actually looked at the u/s yet. My heart dropped! No baby!! I have an amnio sac measuring 8wks but no yolk sac or baby! I was in too much shock to even ask what the hell that meant! I just balled. I have to go next Tuesday to make sure his diagnosis is correct! But he doesnt want me getting my hopes up! So now I just wait and its the worst thing ever!! The worst is I still feel pregnant, I'm still tired my bb are still sore! I would be so grateful for a miracle, but if not I just want this over, no more waiting! Well thats my story as of so far! I am so sorry over all of you ladies that have lost, cuz I finally understand just how hard it is!

I went for the second appt the following monday and I measured 11 wks along, but still nothing. My Dr. was going out of town that wednessday so he offered to do a D&C the next morning at 5AM. It was too hard for me to make that desision on such short notice so I chose to wait. That Thursday I started cramping and bleeding real heavy so I called the after hours number and his on call Dr told me everything was fine. So Friday I got up and nothing absolutely no bleeding, so when the Dr called to check on me I said lets do the D&C. I went in Sat morning and was perfectly fine until they walked me into the OR. I absolutely just lost it. I knew what was going on and had 2 weeks to come to terms with there being no baby, but the finality of it just rocked me. They had to put me on the ventilator because i was almost 12 weeks and my uterus was still developing I was more scared of that then the procedure. I guess I just needed something else to think of. That was on the 29th of Jan. and I recovered just fine physically, Im still waiting for my first AF. and I think we are putting off TTC till later this year. But the milestones are the hardest, when I realized we would of been 17 wks and figureing out the sex I just sat down and cried, my poor husband doesnt have a clue how to make it better, and he cant. I just need to lose it every once in a while.

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"babycakes21" wrote:

I found out I was pregnant December 26th, 2003. My boyfriend & I at the time had only been together for 5 1/2 months. I was 20, he was 18 (2 years younger than I). It came as a shock to me. I thought we were careful, but apparently I guess not careful enough. I don't think I've ever been so scared in my life. Things in my life were going pretty bad, besides boyfriend (who I thought loved me). I had a crappy job, couldn't afford college, or even afford to buy a car. I made a lousy $100 a week just watching neighbourhood children during the day. Every resume I handed out would be returned. Having a baby was the scariest thing ever, I had mixed feelings about it all. I knew deep down that family & friends would help out (just the type of people they are), but apart of me knew that I wasn't ready, I wasn't finished growing up yet. I always wanted to have children, but I always pictured myself, madly in love with someone, married to them, have a steady paying job, a house, etc. I didn't have any of those -- it wouldn't be fair to bring a baby into that at all. My boyfriend sensed something was wrong with me, just by my behaviour the past few days, but I kept it a secret. I didn't know how to tell him -- I didn't know what to say. This would effect his life as well. He planned to go away to school in September 2004 (I was due in September). I didn't want him to give up on his dreams to stay home with a baby & I.

On the 28th of December, I started to have these terrible sharp pains in my stomach -- again, I kept that a secret. I didn't let on that I was in pain, I just ignored it, and hoped that the pain would pass. I was suppose to spend the night with my boyfriend at his house, but convinced him that I wasn't feeling good & just wanted to be at home. The next day, I miscarried. I thought finding out I was pregnant was the scariest thing ever (especially when you aren't ready), but I was wrong. Having a miscarriage was the scariest thing ever. I felt so alone. For 2 days I kept saying that I wasn't ready, and having this baby wouldn't be fair, and here I was losing it, and I wanted to keep it. I loved it. I kept the miscarriage a secret for 4 days, but my boyfriend knew something was different about me. I was quiet, I didn't want to be held, I cried all the time. I felt guilty for saying that I didn't want my baby, but in the end I really did want it, I was just scared!

Eventually, he found out -- he asked me point blank if I was pregnant, and I had to answer him, and just told him, "Not anymore". I couldn't face him, I kept it a secret for a week. I just cried into my pillow, while he tried to say the 'right things'. But whatever he said, wasn't right, it was hurtful. He'd try to comfort me, but I knew deep down he was happy about the miscarriage. He never loved me the way I thought he did -- 3 days later, he came online, and broke up with me. Told me that telling me he loved me was all a lie, and that he shouldn't of ever said it to me. I thought I was alone before, but now I felt like he was running away, and that's exactly what he did. We haven't talked since. He left me to deal with the miscarriage alone. For months, I wasn't the same person -- I was an emotional wreck. I tried dating again, but eventually the people I dated knew that something was bothering me, and would leave too.

In May 2004, I met the most amazing guy ever -- he knows about "Sera" (that's what I decided to name my angel, for it means, "Heavenly winged Angel). He held me while I told him the story, and understands it all. He's patient with me, and loves me for ME! He told me "together", we'll get through this, and is always around when I need a shoulder to cry on.

As for Sera -- she's my angel that watches over me. I'm the luckiest person to have an angel above me to protect me

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"revlaurie" wrote:

Hi everyone,
I am new to this site, but I wanted to share my story of the stillbirth of my firstborn child. It was such a shock to us, and I am still searching for words of comfort and hope.
My pregnancy was really great, picture perfect actually. At 9 months, exactly full term I started having contractions. Excitedly my husband and I and my mom rushed to the hospital eager to begin the process of meeting our long awaited child. But after an initial u/s- the nurse paged the doctor on call. Still, I thought the baby must just be in a strange position. After he examined me for about 15 minutes, he turned to my husband and I and told us there was no heartbeat. I could hardly beleive it! There were no signs at all that anything was wrong, and I had had a regular check up 2 days prior!
I had begun natural labour, and my husband and I, and to endure 22 hours of labour knowing our baby was dead. No epidural was availabe in the town where I live, and each pain felt agonizing. I suppose it was truly a labour of love.
ANgelina was born 7 pounds, 9 oz, and appeared absolutely perfect and beautiful. Her skin was rose and warm, and the doctor said there was nothing there could see that was the cuase of death.
It has only been a few months, and we are wondering about trying again, but my heart aches for the little girl we lost.
How can words describe holding our newborn girl, and knowing we could not keep her. Walking out of the maternity ward with our arms empty was the worst part.
I could really use some words of hope,
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"PINKBOW" wrote:

This is my first time to this site, and it truely makes me sad to read everybodys stories and hear of all the losses I am however grateful that even though it is via email there is support for all of us who experience this grief and loss, and there is this place we can all go and share our thoughts, feelings and emotions. I delivered a beautiful girl at 24 weeks - she was born still, and I struggle with this loss daily. At first it consumed my life, but with time the coping has gotten easier. I have gotten online so many times to search for ways to cope and things I can do in memory of my little angel. I think that talking with other people who have experienced a loss is helpful because they are the only ones who TRUELY can understand the pain involved. My little girl was lost due to placenta abruptia and not knowing I had this condition we were unable to save her. I went in for my 24 week apt. thinking all was well and was told there was no heartbeat. I had my two year old son sitting in the room with me. How do you explain that this little sister he had grown to love was not going to be born? My husband and I were sent up to deliver that day and 14 hours later we held her in our arms. She was a perfect beautiful little angel. She will be forever in our hearts and minds!!!
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"becca1" wrote:

Wow, I"m am so sorry for all of these losses ladies - my heart goes out to all of you.

I've told my 'story' before, but never in this thread, so I'll just quickly outline it.

I went through a donor clinic and artificial insemination to TTC. (I'm a single woman who wanted to start her family). I was told it could take 4 - 5 tries with IUI. (Intra-Uterin-Insemination). I didn't have the money for 5 tries, so I hoped it wouldn't take more than two tries (I only had two 'samples' to TTC with).

I was so very blessed that I concieved on the first try - I was beyond blessed. I knew in my heart and sould before I even left that office that I was going to be pregnant - that it'd worked.

I went for my first blood test 2 weeks later, and the count was 60. I went 2 days later and the count had just more than doubled - 122. I was ecstatic - I called everyone I knew, I told the people at work within the next few days. I couldn't keep it in, nor did I want to. I was the happiest I"d ever been -

The pregnancy was going along great - no morning sickness at all (my mom and sis never had any either so I wasn't expecting any) - all I had were VERY sore breats, and frequent trips to the bathroom (oh and that excess saliva thing lol).

When going through assisted reproctuctive services, it's routine to have an U/S done at 40 days gestation. (it's routine at my doctor's office anyway). I went on MOnday Mar 14th for my u/s, I was so excited I couldn't contain myself. My mom was there with me. The Tech said everything looked fine, she couldn't pick up a heartbeat but said everything looked alrgiht, and that my dr. would just order another u/s for a few days from now to try again to pick up the heartbeat. I was still so elated! She was able to see blood flow in the area of the baby, and gave me an U/s pic.

I went on Friday March 18th to see my dr. for my scheduled appt. He said he wanted antoher u/s some time in the next week. I was able to get in that same day over at another clinic. My mom got off work to come with me. The tech dind't let her come in !! she said "if we see anything, I"ll go get your mom". OMG, the thought that we wouldn't see the baby never crossed my mind. The thought that there was anything wrong never crossed mymind, i felt wonderful - nothing had changed for me, so I assumed everything was ok.

I wish she has let my mom come in, because she dind't see the baby there anymore. The u/s on monday showed the baby, but on friday, the baby was gone. If this tech had sensed that something could be wrong, she should have gotten my mom, cuz that was a horrible moment to be alone, when I heard her repeat "it's empty, there's nothing there". She told me I had most likely miscarried! My world stopped turning. (I"m so crying right now!). I was trying to be so strong, and only let a tear slip down my face while i was getting dressed (she didn't even leave me to get dressed in private!).

I walked out of hte office, and past the waiting room where my mom was waiting anxiously. I looked at her quickly and she was up by my side as we walked out of there. Without even looking at my mom, I toldher "The baby's not there".

For that weekend, I had gone through so many mixed emotions. I started grieving immediately, but there was a shred of hope that that tech was just wrong, that maybe she just didn't do her job right. That monday I went in to see my OB who was on call at the hospital. AFter waiting around for hours, he confirmed the miscarriage. I went in the very next day to have my D&C done - he offered to do it for me because I couldn't stand the waiting anymore. Just waiting over that weekend was hell for me. It was like I was waiting for death to happen, and it was tearing me apart.

It was my 30th birthday when I went in for my D&C (march 22nd).

It's been a month (today), since my angel baby was born into Heaven.

~~anyway, sorry if this is long, but once i started typing, i couldn't stop.
Most women on here know my story, but i wanted to add it to the "our stories" thread.


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"dye3737" wrote:

My name is Diana, I'm 24 yrs old my dh and I have been together for 1yr (married). I live in Montclair, CA. I had scheduled an appt. for my annual (as usual) to get my pap done and blood work. It was March 3, 2005 I was about a month late by that time and wasen't really worried, (I was off the depo just 2 yrs) I spoke to my counselor before I went to see the Dr. and I told her my LMP: 1/27/05 she ordered a pregnancy test and it came out POSITIVE!!! I was in complete shock!! My birthday was 4 days away 3/7 wow what a present I thought. I went back to the car because I wasen't able to see the ob/gyn since I was now pregnant. My DH was waiting for me he said "you're done?" I just looked @ him and told him I couldn't be seen because I was Pregnant.. He was so happy, he couldn't stop smiling. I didn't know how to react I was surprised yet scared to show my happiness. I made an appt. to be seen for prenatal care I got all my test done and started my vitamins. I started to spotting about 4/08/05, I didn't want to be paranoid so I let it go... On 4/12/05 there was too much blood when I wiped and I went to the ER with my DH. I had blood drawn and then sent to have an u/s. She couldn't find the baby regualar, so I had a vaginal u/s. She found him and as I waited for results the Dr. came back to tell me the baby had no HEARTBEAT :cry: It was the worst feeling ever. After being there all morning I went in to see my primary Dr. and scheduled me for a D&C. My baby was 10weeks and 5days. EDD:Nov.3, 2005. Everything done in one day. So that's why I'm here for some support and understanding. And for someone to listen in my time of need. i'm very depressed this was my first child and this is very devastating..
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"tisaboom" wrote:

Well I didnt think I would have another story to post here, but unfortunately I do. My previous loss is listed a few stories ahead. Anyways after my D&C Jan 29 I was waiting for my first AF, before we decided what our next step was. I called the Dr on Friday March 18th and asked how long it usually took to start. The following Mon I got really sick and my DH said maybe your pg, I just laughed him off. There was no way! honestly we had only BD'd twice since the D&C, and yes I know it only takes once. So I took a test just to prove him wrong and whamo I was pg! I called the Dr and she got me in the following week to date my pg, since we had no real clue. The u/s tech warned us that if we were too early she wouldnt have anything to show us. Well she just told us we were too early and put us in a room to see the Dr. The Dr said for me to come in the following week and see how far I was progressing. So the Following Tues. we went in and had another u/s she didnt turn on the monitor again and said well there is a little growth, and something in my heart just knew. Well the Dr walked in and had the worst look on his face. And I just kept saying no. Well it appears we were 7w1d the first appt we had, but they noticed a problem with the sac and I had a blood clot between the sac and the uterine wall. So when I had the 2nd u/s I still measured 7w1d. Luckily I have a Dr that is very aggressive and he told DH that he wanted to run test and find out why I couldnt carry and that it was a treatable thing. He told me the good news was we had no problem conceiving, and he told me I got a good one (referring to my DH). I wasnt able to conceive with my last hubby. I told the Dr I think I preferred the not getting pg it didnt hurt as much. So far I am still trying to lose this baby naturally and its not cooperating, Ive been bleeding for about 2 weeks now and havent passed anything major yet. Im still living in denial and havent been able to grieve yet. Sorry didnt mean to write a novel, it just kinda came out that way!
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"2princesses" wrote:

I am new to this board and wanted to share my story. I have 2 daughters (4 and 2 1/2) and have been married to dh for 7 years. We went in last week for the "regular" 16 week appointment...brought dd's and dh to hear the heartbeat. The dr couldn't find it, but said it was probably that the placenta was in the way and that she could hear movement. SO, they sent us next door for an u/s. The tech immediately said "It's not good" and mouthed to me "There is no heartbeat". I sent dh out with dd's and the tech showed me where the heartbeat should have been and that it had happened at least a couple days earlier. The doctor then met with dh and myself to talk about our options. I was told "a "simple D&C" was not an option at this point and that a D&E could take longer because they had to refer me out. So, my only option left was to have them place some luminares (think short sticks) in my cervix to attempt to open it and sent me home. We went back the next morning to have more luminares put in and sent home again. Finally the next day I was admitted to the hospital to deliver a baby boy (he was 4.4 oz, 4 inches). This has been the hardest time of my life-it was so much harder physically and emotionally than we ever imagined. My heart goes out to all of you...
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"chughes15" wrote:

My name is Casey and I am 26 years old. I have been married to my DH for a little over 3 years. We decided in January 2005 that we were ready to start trying to have a baby. I went to the doctor for my annual on Jan 17 and to find out all about what I needed to be doing to make sure that everything was fine when we got pregnant. On March 5, 2005 while on vacation in Colorado I found out that I was pregnant. I have to admit I was surprised, I never thought that it would happen so fast! That was the most wonderful night of my life, especially when my DH reach over and touched my tummy and said "Wow there is a little one in there". Since this is my first pregnancy I immediatly called my mom and dad and my sister to tell them. Never in a million years did I think that I would never see my baby. On March 19 I sarted to spot and by March 21 I was bleeding. I called the doc and when I got there and had the ultrasound the tech said that there was nothing there. I had just had an ultra sound the Friday before and we saw the yolk sac so I thought that everything was going good. It has been over a month now since my angel went to heaven and I have a huge hole in my heart.
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"dee7273" wrote:

Hi, my name is Denise and I am 31. It has been 1 month since my 2nd m/c and I believe I am now ready to tell the story.

Last year in January 2004, dh and I had decide to have me roll of the b/c and wait and see what happens. By February, I was pregnant. I couldn't believe it. We were in shock (we weren't trying, but we weren't being safe either). Goes to show what you learn in high school, it can happen on the first try - is actually true. At 11 weeks, we were scheduled for our sonogram. So there I am laying on the bed and they couldn't find the heartbeat. I wasn't panicking because I knew I had a tilted uterus and didn't think anything of it. My doc asked us if we wanted an ultrasound. Sure, i wasn't going to turn one down. We went in and the ultrasound tech kept the monitor turned away from us. She then asked, if I was absolutely postive of my last period. My heart just stopped. I said "yes". I asked if everything was ok, and is there a baby. Her response was "she was measuring the uterus and it was to early to tell". At the same time, the doctor came in and the u/s tech was pointing things out on the screen, and the next thing I know, the doctor laid her hand on my knee and said, "denise, I am so sorry - but there is no heartbeat". My world came crashing in - I was in shock and disbelief. So we had a d&c and the doctor said, go ahead and try again in 2 cycles.

So we did just that. This time, I was wondering when was I ever going to get pregnant again. It took us 8 months, and I was starting to get fustrated. In February, I got that feeling again, so I took a pg test and it came back positive. We were thrilled and estatic. I was jumping all over the house. I was so nervous this time, and at the same time everything was different, I felt more pregnant than last time. so I honestly thought everything would be different, but I kept having this funny feeling and everyone kept telling me "i was worrying for nothing or panicking for nothing." I shouldn't have listened to them because at 10.5 weeks, I started bleeding. We called the doctor and scheduled an u/s for first thing the next morning. Sitting in that waiting room, was hard - everywhere around me was pregnant people and here I was just praying everything was fine. The tech was quiet for a long time, so I asked the tech, "I know you are not suppose to tell me anything, but can you see anything". She said, "sweetie, I can see something is there, but I don't see a heartbeat". Oh my gosh, my world came crashing in again. I couldn't believe it. How could this be happening again. It was living my nightmare all over again, in the same month at around the same time frame. Exactly 1 year apart. For some reason, my body can't grow a baby. My body acts pregnant and my uterus grows but the baby never gets past the 6 week mark. The first time, my uterus was 11 weeks but the baby was 6 weeks, this time, my utuerus was 10 weeks but the baby was 5 weeks. It is so hard to understand but here I am taking one day at a time and hoping for the tests that I am schedule for will shed some light.

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"mnlamber" wrote:

My name is Meredith and I am a co-host of TTC 1-2 years. DH and I have been TTCing for over 2 and a half years. We have male factor problems- DH had a varicocele repaired in June 2003 and he is on Fertility Blend for men and we have just recently started to see the benefits of both.

Early in December I found out I was pg (surprise! after 2 years of TTC!) but sadly I miscarried a couple of weeks later. My hCG was low from the begining and i was spotting the whole time, so from the beginning I knew there was something wrong. The loss was devatating, especially since it was SO HARD for us to get pg to begin with, but the fact that we COULD get pg gave us renewed hope and we tried to put it behind us.

I started seeing an RE who told me that "lighting probably wouldn't strike twice" and prepared us for IVF. In the midst of our preparations, I found out I was once again pg on Easter morning. I really felt like this was our miracle, and I tried to put all thoughts of my previous m/c behind me. But last week I had a slight bit of spotting, and I freaked out. My RE agreed to do an u/s (but I think that he thought I was overreacting, and just wanted me to stop calling his office!). I just knew something was wrong. My pg symptoms were going away and sure enough, the sac was there but it was empty. He said that I probably have a blighted ovum, but he wanted to check me again in a week, since I was only about 6w at the time.

I was hoping to get some closure at the next u/s, but instead we saw a little blobby with a HEARTBEAT!!!! My RE was eating his words about a blighted ovum. I was still developmentally delayed, so he was only "cautiously optimistic". I was scheduled for another u/s in a week to see if my little bean was progressing like it should....But the following week, at 8w exactly, the scan showed a sac that had grown and that the baby was larger, but there was no heartbeat. My insides just sank and the tears started flowing. I knew my baby had died and nothing was going to change that. I was prescribed misoprostol to induce miscarriage a week later at 9w because it wasn't happening on it's own- it was the most awful experience of my life.

We are just so sad to say goodbye to another baby- in a way I feel better now that I have miscarried and physically I have closure. But I find myself thinking about this baby and how much I loved him or her already and it just hurts. DH and I are allowing ourselves to grieve, but we are still looking towards the future and hoping that we will someday be blessed with another little miracle baby. My RE is classifying me as having recurrent pg loss, and I will soon be undergoing genetic, immunologic, and a host of other sorts of testing in an attempt to determine why I am habitually miscarrying.

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"ca3478154" wrote:

I married a wonderful man on 9-25-04. All my dreams coming true. We moved out to California before the wedding. Everything was going good. I got pregnant in around April 4, 2005. I found out on April 30, 2005. We were so happy when the reading said Pregnant. I went to doctor on May 3. Yep, urine test says pregnant. We were so happy. I started getting cravings. I also got discharge. No big deal. It's just discharge. It happened almost everyday but it's no big deal. Everyone gets it. It was only brown stuff and some clear fluid. On May 20, the horror starts. The discharge got heavy and turned to bright red blood. Why? What did I do wrong? I took a flight out on May 13 to Houston. Maybe it was too much. I got too tired. I'm too stressed. Many things run through my mind. It got worse on May 21. The doctor gave me a RH shot. There is nothing we can do. Really? Well it hurt like MAJOR cramps. my HCG was 3228. I was pregnant on May 21. They offered narcotic drugs to help with pain. I' m pregnant! I wanted my baby to live. The u/s showed an egg. That was all. Just a 6 week egg. It was in the middle of the uterus. Oh well. I bled for 7 days. I am better now. I want to be with my hubby and have a baby. :idea:
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"Crazykiddos" wrote:

I'll just copy from my original post here....

After ttc for 9 months, and setting up an appointment to see my dr to find out what was going on, I found out I was pg. I was spotting from the start. Coninued to spot for the whole 2 months I was pregnant (except for 1 short break). We had several U/S and when I was 8 weeks 5 days, they found a h/b. I was only measuring 6 weeks 6 days though. They hoped that I was just wrong about my ovulation date, and told me to come back in a month. Sunday, I felt off. Nothing felt right. I couldn't fall into a deep sleep, I was uncomfortable the whole day. Monday, just 1 day before my next appointment, I started bleeding. Not just spotting, bleeding. When I realized how heavy it was, around 7pm, I left work (I was supposed to be there until 12) and went to the ER. After 5 hours they confirmed that I was in fact going to M/C. An U/S the next day confirmed no H/B, and that no tissue had passed, so I needed a D&C. I am convinced the baby died sometime Sunday afternoon. Tuesday afternoon they inserted some tampon like things in my cervix to soften it. I cramped horribly from it and came close to going to the ER to have it removed, the pain was just so bad. I made it though and last night (Wensday night) had a D&C. The actual operation was uneventful, I felt physically fine afterword, just some light cramping that really didn't last that long. Today I have a horrible headache, but other than that, am ok, physically. One phrase just keeps going through my mind the past few days. Life Sucks. Sometimes. I always add the sometimes in there because in truth, other than this, my life is good. I have a decent job, a loving husband, two wonderful healthy children. And I know that should make me feel better. It doesn't right now though, all I can think about is seeing my babies h/b, then it dying. That just keeps going through my head, over and over again.

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"Kianas mom" wrote:

Well I had my little baby ....too many weeks too soon. I had to say goodbye to her on Tuesday afternoon.2-8-05 Gracie Marie was 4.6 oz and 7 inches long. She was beautiful from head to toe. Perfect little fingers and a little button nose.
They said it looks like I have an incompetent cervix.

I had been spotting for about 2 weeks. Water broke on Sunday morning went to er and dr checked and said it wasn't water at all. Heard her heartbeat and she kicked the doppler. They released me.

Tuesday 2-8-05 around 5am I started cramping. I thought that I had gas from the chili I ate or that she was just laying really low in pelvis. I tried to poke her to get her to move then the pain would stop but start right back up again. At about 7 am I thought I would try to go to the bathroom. I got on the toilet and gave a push thinking I would release some gas. I had no clue I was in labor even though I already have a 2 year old. I felt something come out of the wrong hole. I thought it must be a blood clot since I had been spotting. So I looked down in between my legs and saw a little leg hanging out. I screamed to my fiance to come. I got off the toilet and put a towel on the floor and layed down. He called 911. I started crying hysterically. They got there fast like within 5 minutes. I went to the hosp in just a pj top. Fiance had to drive since our 2 year old was sleeping. He called my sister and mother in law to be and they all met at the hosp. In the ER a Dr tired to pull her out and only got to her belly. They then sent me upstairs to labor and delivery. My Dr. showed up and told me he wanted to let it happen so push with each contraction. I missed two of them because my bladder was so full. They drained it . The Dr. said he would come back in an hour to see my progress. No more than 5 mins later I gave a big push and out came her head. It was so scary. I got to hold her tiny body and the chaplain came and took pictures of her for us and with us. I held her 3 times that day. then said goodbye.

Tuesday is always going to be the most remembered day in my life. I had to say goodbye to my baby in the morning.....Then I got married as planned that night.
We are holding a little ceremony for her on Monday 2-14-05 which is free. My hubby's parents decided to pay for her name to be engraved on the tombstone. There are already at least 15 other babies there.
Our hospital does not believe in discarding any baby no matter what the age. I am thankful for will help me get some closure. We will start trying again soon as the NEW Dr. gives us the ok.
Gracie will forever be remembered in our hearts.
I have made a scrapbook with all her pictures and mementos and when I feel down I look through it and can't wait till the day I meet my angel in Heaven.

Added 12-16-2005:

Well with my new Dr I have been told I don't have an incompetant cervix. She believes I had an infection which got to the baby. How I got one I have no clue. My old Dr. Did do a lot of internal exams so who knows. Just thought I would update you.


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"ShanynLS" wrote:

I just had my first pregnancy... my first loss. At 10w3d, I had my first appointment. We were scheduled to listen for a heartbeat. I was cautious going into it, because I didn't feel pregnant. Very early on, I had. But by 4w3d, I was no longer feeling pregnant. However, by the time 10w rolled around, I was starting to think I was just one of those lucky women that is spared morning sickness (despite a family history that suggested I should be otherwise).

But my uterus was measuring only 7 weeks. And the dopler could find no heartbeat. I was not surprised when the u/s showed an empty sac measuring 6w4d. My dh was still holding out hope, and it devestated him when I opted for Cytotec vs. waiting for the m/c to occur naturally.

That was on Monday-- today (Wednesday), I still have not started bleeding as much they would have expected, and so they ordered another u/s that showed that my empty sac is still stuck tight and has not shrunk. My midwife administered more Cytotec, and it is now a waiting game to see if I will pass it or have to go for a d&c on next week. I don't want that. I am hoping for the least invasive that is possible.

Now, let's just hope my body wants that too, and will let go...

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"jorich" wrote:

I am going to tell my story as it has really helped me to not feel so alone (and to have a good cry) reading this forum.
I lost my little girl 5 months ago at 30 weeks. She is called Amelia. Everything had gone well and I had seen my midwife 2 days earlier. Then didn't feel her move for a whole day but told myself I was being silly.
When I woke up the next day I knew deep down something was wrong and on arrival at hospital no heartbeat seen on uss. I then had to ring and tell DH who was away at work which was awful. I was sent home for 2 days and can't really remember them.
I am lucky enough to have a beautiful 2 year old daughter who still managed to make me smile and made our house retain some normality but it is hard to grieve as she gets upset. She says mummy has leaky eyes! I couldn't look at or touch my stomach in those 2 days but when the morning came to go in to deliver her I didn't want her to leave me. That day goes down as the worst of my life, but DH and I got to spend some time with Amelia and I found it hard to go home and leave her. I was worried about seeing her and freaking out but that turned out to be the easist bit. She looked exactly like my other daughter and was perfect. (Nothing found on autopsy)
I had a few problems with the hospital which I have written to them to ensure it never happens to anyone else, there were breastfeeding posters in my room and people were in and out alot uneccesarily during delivery. On DH and I first being left alone with Amelia 5 mins after she was born, someone came in looking for something and said congratulations. it turned out there was no symbol or sign on the door to let staff know it was a stillbirth and she thought we were crying in celebration.
EDD was really hard, but we have been away as a family which was very needed. Very hard for DH as had to go back to work after 2 weeks and people ask how you are but forget him a bit.
The whole experience has been dreadfull but I have also realised what wonderful family and friends I have. DH and I are even closer and every day with my daughter is cherished.
Unfortunatly I also have lots of pregnant friends, which is hard but have realised I can't push myself too hard or expect too much yet. My friends are great and understand I won't be visiting for a while.
Am trying again now but am petrified, I still have very up and down emotions but wanted to say reading other peoples experiences and support of each other has helped to give me courage - Thank you
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"mandyn81" wrote:

I lost my first child a son just less than two weeks ago. I was not quite 23 weeks along. Everything had been normal up till then. It was a normal friday I ran a few errands in the morning filled my car with gas, went to the bank and came home but I started feeling sick later in the afternoon. I spent the rest of the afternoon/evening on the couch resting. Later in the evening I still wasn't feeling well but I was sure everything was allright because I had felt my baby moving that morning so I assumed that it was just gas. I decided I was going to take a bath and relax then but then I noticed that there was some blood in the tub. I went to the emergency room and after waiting for what seemed like forever they got me in. In the er they could not find a heartbeat but said it could just be they didn't have very good equipment. By then I was already in labor and a foot and leg had started to come out. They rushed me to labor and delivery and after looking at an ultrasound the nurse told me that my son had passed on. After that I was pretty much left alone in the room with my fiance except for when they needed to refill my fluids or if I called them when I needed another shot for pain or for my bedpan. But a couple of times a different nurse came in and would ask what I was having or some other question not knowing that my baby had already passed and this was very upsetting to me. The shots made me very sleepy though so I mostly just drifted in and out of sleep for an hour or so at a time. Several hours later on Saturday afternoon 9-10-05 my son was born still. He was 12 inches long and 15.5 ounces and there was nothing wrong with him he was just a perfect little baby. I held him and just cried I didn't want to have to let go of him. The hospital babtized him and gave me a memory box for him with a tiny hat and blanket that they had put him in, and some other things. I am still waiting for the pictures the hospital took of him to come back I want to see them so badly.
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"twink" wrote:

Hello my name is DeLette. My story begins 14 years ago when I married my wonderful husband Terry. We had 3 years of infertility and were finally able to concieve in 94 with clomid. Shortly after I had our 2nd child in 96. I have been very blessed with 2 beautiful daughters (11 & 9 currently fighting over the ketchup bottle). We had always wanted another child but time slipped away and with my infertility problems, well we just figured it wasn't meant to be. The last couple of years of my life have been filled with my girls and my family and taking care of my dad who died about a year ago with Alzhiemers. After his death I decided to take a while and take care of me, lose some weight and just enjoy each day. Much to our surprise I ended up pregnant at 38. I had had surgery late in July and woke up from it very sick thinking it was from being put to sleep I didn't suspect anything til about 2 weeks later. I have PCOS so my periods were not ever really regular but by the time I had missed 2 I thought I'd check. What a surprise! What were the chances? After the shock passed us and we got used to the idea we new it was what was meant to be. I had a u/s at 6.5 weeks and everything looked great. I took care of myself, took it easy, watched the BP and was looking forward to maybe a Spring little boy. I sstarted spotting off and on at 11 weeks and m/c at 12 weeks. I felt very alone and empty but being here has helped. I am so very sorry for each and every one of the losses here and those that have yet to find this special place. Thank you for letting me share!
God Bless! DeLette
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"Hilary7983" wrote:

My DH and I started TTC right after we got married in 2002. In 2003, I found out I was pregnant, and being very naive, I told everyone. Three days later, i miscarried. We kept trying and in 2004 I had 3 more early losses. At this point, we began seeing a fertility doctor. After a year of tests, and now on the 3rd specialist (due to insurance issues), I thought it would never happen. In March, they did a test and it came back that I was not ovulating. They gave me meds to induce my period so that I could start Clomid on the next cycle. Well, wouldn't you know it that I just had a weird feeling so I finally took a pregnancy test after I was 2 weeks late... and I was pregnant!! I had ovulated about 12 days late. Everything went smoothly until the ultrasound at 20 weeks. They said that my DD had cysts on her brain and that they had a hard time finding her stomach. So, a week later we went to see another specialist and they found even more problems. Heart defects, her brain wasn't fully formed, etc. We did the amnio that day and two days later, I got the dreaded phone call. My daughter had Trisomy 18 and with her heart defects the doctors did not think she would survive to full term and if she did she wouldn't survive labor. They said it was just a "fluke" and I was just unlucky with the chromosomes, but how could one person be so unlucky! My labor was induced at 23 weeks 3 days and my precious daughter, Ariana Natalia, was stillborn on August 27th, 2005. She was 9 1/2 inches and 15.2 oz. She was so tiny but to me she was so perfect.
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"acoacheswife" wrote:

Originally posted on September 24, 2005

Wow… about irony. Just a few months ago I was a lurker on this board, and now I am posting a message. I guess I always knew I would.

I looks as if my new friend Hilary is on this board. We are both former members of the December 05 board, and have bonded through our losses. She is a kindred spirit to me, as I expect she is to you all also.

I am excited to join you gals and learn from you, and hopefully pass on some comfort to others. I am sorry this post is so long. I am never at a loss for words…..and I guess that comes out when I write. I just wanted to get it all out in one shot. It is easier for me that way. I have another issue you should all be aware of. I am painfully honest, and I am apologizing up front if I offend any one with my candor.

My Story- written a week after the delivery

Psalm 34:8 says: “The Lord is near to the brokenhearted, and saves those who are crushed in spirit.

My spirit was crushed on July 22, 2005, as I gave birth to a beautiful baby boy. He was only 21 weeks, but weighed almost a pound. I have never seen such beauty. He was perfect in every way. He had his father’s eyes and mouth and had my nose. I feel so blessed to have been able to hold him, and I cherished every last second with him. My husband was glad that he saw him also and that we knew what he looked like. My baby was perfect and fought until the very end. I look at the pictures and find comfort in the fact that I at least have them. My only consolation now is to know that I will see him again in heaven.

This baby was an answer to prayer. After a loss in March 04 at 8 ½ weeks, my family was elated to learn that were pregnant again. I have never prayed harder for anything in my life. I know that many of you also have prayed that prayer. I had a few bleeding scares throughout the pregnancy which my doctor attributed to intercourse. The ultrasounds all checked out fine, but I was always worried that my worst nightmares would come true. My mother says I “borrow trouble” with all my incessant worrying about what could happen. Throughout my pregnancy I searched this board and read every story. I looked at all the photos of the babies that had been lost. I wanted to prepare myself for every possible outcome. Looking back, I am glad I did.

It all began on Thursday night. I felt some strange movement or cramping. It came in waves and then I knew it was contractions. I acted fast, as I have had a birth with my daughter from a previous marriage, who is 9 years old now. I called my husband and asked for him to come home and that we needed to go to the ER. He thought nothing was wrong. I asked my best friend to come over and watch my daughter. She thought nothing was wrong. I called my doctor’s exchange and left a message for the doctor on call (my doctor was out of town). She said we could go to the hospital. She thought nothing was wrong. When I arrived at the hospital the nurses took their time and thought nothing was wrong. The nurse checked me and I was fully dilated and my bag of waters was in an hour glass shape. Now people started believing that something was wrong and I was not just a member of the “Physic Friend’s Network.”  The doctor on call arrived and put me on meds to stop the contractions. She wanted to try and stop the labor, and even mentioned C-section to try and keep him alive. I was sooo confused. There was no way he could survive outside the womb at 21 weeks. She wanted to keep me in the hospital for 3 weeks at least. How could it be possible to stay in bed in that shape for three weeks? Contractions got worse. They gave me pain meds that did not help at all. I labored from 12 midnight until his delivery at 7:03 am. It was horrible. about 12-13 contractions per hour. The doctor refused to give me an epidural because I was on meds to stop the labor. It said it was unethical because I was on meds to try and stop the contractions. Yeah well, up his nose with a rubber hose, I thought. I finally got an epidural, but then about 10 minutes my water broke and the nurse and I delivered my son. The nurse was so upset after it all she went in the other room and cried. I am so upset that the doctor put me through all of that. I was glad that my husband and family had agreed to leave for the delivery. I wanted to spare them from all of that. We now know that I have an incompetent cervix.

The awful thing is that at 12 weeks I had some spotting. I mentioned to my doctor at 16 weeks about the cerclage and he said that it does not always work and causes infection. My husband was wonderful. My best friend and mother and father were present during the labor…for me the perfect combination. For me my husband represents my ultimate love. My best friend is my rock and is a no nonsense kind of girl, a witch with a B that will kick rear and take names later. My father represents safety. And my mother, well, you always want your momma there.

During the labor and birth I was emotionless. I was in such pain, but I never cried once. Even when the hospital staff discussed burial (after 20 weeks you have a death certificate and are required to bury or cremate) I just sat there stunned. Now I know I was in shock. I have been able to cry and mourn now that it has finally hit me. I am naturally a strong person who is used to helping other through hard times. This is by far the worst thing that has ever happened to me. I want to shoot my fist to the heavens and demand that God tell me why my baby is gone. I am a committed Christian and know my relationship with the Lord will heal. I am starting to have hope that I will have another perfect baby with his father’s eyes and my nose. We hope to try again after Christmas, but I am not sure if I will be ready.

The Ugly Truth- Me and the aftermath

One of my best friends was pregnant the same time I was and was due in September. She gave birth five weeks early….and as luck would have it her labor started at my house! About three week after my loss. She was staying over, as she often does. My husband was out of town and she did not want me to be alone without a buddy. It was like Vietnam all over for me. I saw that she lost her mucus plug and I could not sleep at all that night. I just laid in my bed waiting for her to move in case I had to be in battle mode. I saw her in the hospital and did ok with that. I was just intent on seeing that baby. I had to lay my eyes on her and make sure she was ok. She is fine of course, but I was so afraid that perhaps I lost my baby so I could help her with losing hers? I don’t have a hard time seeing her baby. I have an investment in that baby and my friend is a good mother and deserves her. Which brings me to my next ironic reminder of my loss.

I had been doing really well…..then…It was like a cruel twist of fate snuck up on me and reminded me of the way the world works. It is terribly unfair. My former husband has not seen my daughter since she was 2 and she will be 10 in October. He dropped off the face of the earth and I was confident that he was still up to his naughty ways. I knew I was a good solider, however. I follow the rules and live my life focusing on what is good and helping others. The other day I found out that he and his wife had a baby boy and she was pregnant the same time as I was. I was livid! How can he, the naughty one, be blessed before me? He did not deserve a second chance? He threw his first child to the wayside? I have since repaired from that. I am not jealous at all. Just mad that he was blessed first.

You must all be thinking. You are such an ungrateful person…at least you have a child? I must say that for me, having 1 healthy child on earth does not make the burden of a loss any easier to bear. My husband, who has been involved in my life since shortly after my divorce is a God-Send. He has been in my daughter's life from about 2 1/2 on and we married 5 years ago. He is the only father she has ever known, and he loves her most definitely like she was his own. He is my best friend and one of the most outstanding people I have ever met. He would slay dragons for me and worships the ground I walk on. He is very cute and is an amazing football coach and teacher. He was the Homecoming King in high school and was voted "Most Likely to be Remembered", "Most Athletic" and "Best All Around". I am the envy of all my friends and everyone wants to know how we have the most amazing relationship in the world. I say this not to brag, but to illustrate how these qualities in him, add to my suffering. This man deserves to have a child who shares his genetic qualities. My daughter is blessed with an amazing voice. I too am a singer and went to a School for the Performing Arts before I decided to pursue my current profession, politics. In my day, I was the best in my school, and one of the best in my town. My daughter is better than I ever was and her voice is so good it is eerie. I get to look at her sing and know that I gave her that quality. She was blessed with that through me. I get to live through her and watch her talent exceed my own in all the days of her life. What about my husband? God certainly should give him that same chance? I am hopeless flawed and he is wonderful. I can't imagine living with myself knowing that I lost our son because of problems with my body. Yeah, I was not my fault...I hear that ever day from EVERY person I know, including my husband. But the burden still feels like mine alone, and I am determined to do everything I can to make him have what I have. I used to want a baby at all costs….now I just want his baby.

Today, Yesterday and the day before

Today I am trying and look at each new day with the promise of tomorrow through the eyes of faith. Faith has always come easy to me in the past. Our loss has tested my faith, but I am careful to look for the blessings. Blessings from my loss have come. Incredible ones, in fact. I am just trying to add them all up now wondering if they will be enough to make the loss of my baby, to use a bad phrase, “worth it”? I know it will never be “worth it”, but maybe it will just be ok someday. My best comfort is knowing that I will see my baby again. I may differ with some on this, and I hope very much that I don’t offend anyone, but I do not believe that my baby is an angel. He is a person. A human like us with a spirit and will. Angels only wish they can be like us. They are created only to love, praise and serve God and know nothing else. They were never given the choice to love God….well except for maybe one and we all know who that is . Humans were given the choice to love God. Free will to love him or hate him. My feeling is that love is better when it comes by choice.

Am I going to “get back on the horse” again, so to speak? Yup. I went to a wonderful specialist on Tuesday. As my husband and I walked into his plain and understated office, I almost felt as if I was seeing the Wizard of Oz! He was so nice and you could sense his that he was a brilliant man. We spent an hour in his personal office with him and he actually went over my medical records and forms in front of us! He spent about an hour with us just talking. It was sooo comforting to have someone actually listen, and think I was not just a crazy! He looked at all the evidence and our history and said those words of dread I have heard only once from a doctor before, "I don't think there is anything wrong with you". He did say that based on my age and history that he is very confident that we will eventually have a healthy baby and carry it to term. That was nice to hear. He wanted to run every hormone and blood test known to man just to rule everything out and took 10 vials of blood. Yes! He is also leaning toward the incompetent cervix being the reason for the loss. He did concur with me and recognized the fact that true cervical competence is very rare. It is a typical explanation for a 2nd Trimester loss. And no doctor is not going to place one in my case. They will just stitch me up because it won't do any harm not too. he is not a 2nd term lost expert, but the problem is no one is! I am sure there is an OBGYN out there who may be, but hell I can't find him. I am more concerned with my "super" dilation in both of my pregnancies that resulted in a delivery. I think there may be something in me that triggers contractions faster than most. He is going to look at everything and said in the last two months there has been promising progesterone research and wants to try it with me. He said it will not harm a developing fetus. He also recommended a new OB in my town. I am going to interview him when the specialist has done is work and see if he concurs with my plan of care. Screw it! I am going to call and make an apt. and say I just want to talk to him and not have any exam at first. I want to see if he agrees with the Home Monitor Uterine Monitoring device (you use it at home and it monitors the contractions you can not feel. You wear it 2 hours per day and it transmits info through your PC to a monitoring center. If there is trouble, the doctors at the center call your doctor to give you the appropriate meds to stop the contractions) and is up to my DEMAND of having more visits and vaginal exams and ultrasound at least every month. My insurance will cover the monitoring device if you have a cerclage. It runs 80-100 per day to use it. Hot sounds great huh? I lost my baby because I went into pre-term labor. It only makes good sense to try and catch it if it comes early next time? Besides, I am afraid that my cervix will rip if I don't

Keep the Faith gals..................

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"Nikky_T" wrote:

PGment, Childment....

Hi! I have never posted to this site before, but have been reading articles and what not since I found thought that I might be expecting a few months ago. It turns out that I was right, and I was expecting. These last few months have been so exciting as I looked forward to the addition of a new little one. We have an 11 month old little boy right now. Everything seemed to be going fine until about a week and a half ago. First one of my good friends lost her sister and her sister's boyfriend to a head-on collision. I went to the funeral and grieved deeply for my friend. I don't think that I have ever felt a loss so deeply as I did this one, even though I hardly knew the two that actually passed away. On Friday, Oct. 14 however, I started bleeding. I called my OB immediately, and a nurse told me that everything was fine (I was at 12 wks). I was surprised that they didn't want to see me, but my mom insisted that I lay down regardless of what they said. Saturday morning, I was still bleeding and called the OB again. This time they said that I should go into the emergency room to get an ultrasound done, basically just to put my mind at ease. I was honestly excited to get to see my baby since we hadn't even heard a heartbeat yet. I was shocked and devastated when they told me that the baby was only at eight weeks gestational size and had no heartbeat. I thought that I had cried all my tears for my friend in the days prior to this, but I have been doing nothing but crying lately it seems. Yesterday, Monday, I had a D&C surgery. That gave the feeling so much more of a finality I believe. I was basically quiet and unable to think of anything else but my precious baby all night. Today has been tough, but last night my mom gave me a beautiful heart necklace to remember my precious baby with. She also "made" me go and feed the ducks with her, as it is beautiful weather here. I was so thankful for that chance to get out of the house. I'm also finding it so healing to write about my feelings. I just know that one day I will get to hold my baby in Heaven!!! That thought gets me through! I am so thankful for a place where I can share my very real loss. Thank you all so much for sharing your stories, as they are so inspiring. Lots of love to all of you, Nikky

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"kris11483" wrote:

I am just cutting and pasting the birth story that I have already written for another board, so here goes.....

DH and I got pregnant and were surprised but very happy. My pregnancy was uneventful and pretty much perfect. We had an ultrasound at 18weeks and found out that we were having a little girl and she everything looked great and completely on schedule.

October 15 (30 weeks pregnant):
I woke up at about 3am with really bad back pains. I wasn't really sure what was going on, but just assumed that it was a pregnancy thing. I went to the bathroom and noticed that I was having a weird thick discharge. It kinda made me wonder, but I decided to go back to bed and call my doctor in the morning if it continued. I went back to bed and couldn't sleep because my back was hurting so bad. At about 5am I was sitting up in bed and noticed that my underwear were wet. I went running to the bathroom and there was pink fluid running down my legs. After I got it to kinda stop, I went and woke DH up and told him that I thought my water had broke. I called the doctor and was refered to another doctor that was on call for the weekend.

I talked to him and he told me to go to the hospital. I got to the hospital at about 6am and was taken to triage. When I got there, the nurse started trying to find the baby's heartbeat on the monitor. She was having problems finding it and thought that it was because my heartrate was so fast. (I knew immediately that something was wrong.) A bunch of other nurses tried to find the heartbeat and eventually they brought in an ultrasound machine. They found an O.B. and he looked at her on the ultrasound machine, but would not tell me anything until the acctual ultrasound tech came. (I knew when I saw the first ultrasound though that there was no heartbeat.) The ultrasound tech came and quickly determined that the baby was no longer alive. The doctor on call then determined that they would go ahead and induce me.

After about an hour of them trying to put an IV in me (I am a very hard stick) they finally moved me to a room and started the pitocin at about 9am. I was 1-2cm dialated at this point. They told me that basically they would give me as much pain medicine as I needed, but that they would try to hold off on the epidural for as long as they could so that it would not slow down the labor. I started out with Newbane and then Demerol. At about 11:30am I demanded an epidural. After I got the epidural I was 5cm dialated. I took a nap and woke up at about 12:30. I was really uncomfortable and thought that the epidural was gone or something. They checked me and I was 10cm and complete. I waited for the doctor and had my little girl at 1:12pm.

They let me hold her immediately and kept her in the room for as long as I wanted. DH and I held her for a little while and then they measured, weighed, and cleaned her up. She weighed 2lbs 12oz and was 15in long. After they did all of that they gave her back to me and we let the family come in to see her. (I think it was really important for all of them to be able to see her and get some closure) She was an absolutely beautiful baby girl and it didn't even look like there was anything wrong with her. We kept her for a long time and then they took her away and took some pictures of her. My mom went and bought a beautiful white little doll dress for her to be buried in.

They sent the placenta to pathology to determine what happened. This is basically what we know: The scientific term is velamentous cord insertion. Basically in the very beginning of the pregnacy, the umbilical cord did not insert into the placenta at the proper place. Because it didn't insert properly, the protective membrane usually present was gone. This caused the vessels in the umbilical cord to rupture. This is very very rare (it occurs in less than 1% of singleton pregnacies) and almost totally undetectable. This is not something that can be detected by ultrasound and is almost always fatal. Aparently even if Claire had made it to full term, she would have probably died when I gave birth to her. It is amazing that she made it for as long as she did.

After I gave birth and everything they realized that I was running a high fever so they started me on antibiotics. They told me that I was not going to be able to leave the hospital until I went 24 hours without a fever. DH made funeral arrangements for Monday for Claire and all of the family came in town. Monday morning I was still in the hospital b/c of high fever so my doctor temporarily discharged me for the funeral. We went to the funeral and it was really sweet (DH's uncle did the ceremony because he is a pastor).

After the funeral I had to go back to the hospital. They had to put in a new IV and after a nurse trying for an hour, they called the anesthesiologist to come put it in. (I am very bruised up from all of the pricks) I ended up staying in the hospital until Wednesday afternoon.
Now I am home, and we are trying to put our lives back together. It is a slow and hard process, but it gets easier with each day. What happened to our little girl is not something that repeats in other pregnancies. That is good to know, but does not replace the fact that our little girl is gone. We are planning on one day having more children, but it will be a while before we are ready for that. I think about her and picture her constantly.


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"oimiloy" wrote:

Copied from TTC after a loss board.

My name is Emily, i'm 21 and my fiance is 22.

We found out that i was pregnant in late May, it was a suprise as the pregnancy was unplanned. We were very excited.

I went for an ultrasound as i was unsure how far along i was. The u/s showed a deformed sac and i was told that i would miscarry.

one week later i was in excrutiating pain over my left hip. I went to hospital had another u/s and was told i had miscarried, i thought that this was odd, as i had not passed any blood or clots, i was just sent home. (NEVER going back to that hospital, i was appauled)

The next day i saw my GP as the pain was worse, i could barely move. I was told to cuddle a hotwaterbottle and that i'd be fine, i know he was wrong. I screamed at him to send me to a Gyn, and after much pursuasion he did.

I saw my gyn the next day and had a third u/s. This time it showed that the 'deformed sac' was a 'ghost sac' (i think is what they called it) and that i had a huge ectopic pregnancy in my left tube. I was rushed to hospital and into emergency surgery.

My tube and ectopic ruptured during the surgery and i lost a dangerous amount of blood in seconds. If that had have happened anywhere else other than the operating table, i'd be dead. They removed my tube as it was unrepairable. They also found that i have endometriosis, which probably caused the ectopic.

I spent the next 3 days in hospital as i was very unwell from the blood loss and traumatic surgery. We were told to have children now or never as the gyn didn't know how quickly my endo will spread.

It has been almost 5 months now, i still burst into tears at the word baby or pregnancy or even a screaming toddler, believe it or not i miss my tube, i know that i have another one that is probably fine but gee! i can't explain it. i'm not complete anymore. 5% of women who have en ectopic have a second one, i can't go through this again! i want to be pregnant but i am so scared! I only have one tube left now. i WILL NOT loose this one.

We are now TTC and trying to move on, it's just so hard. I'm sure you all understand.

Learn from my story, doctors dont get it right all the time, if i had have lisened to my GP i would be dead now. LISTEN to your body and your instincts, they know what's happening.

Thankyou all for your love and support
-eMily- aka -oiMiloy-

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"BlueBee" wrote:

We lost our first baby in December of 2004. We were TTC for over 8 months, when I finally became pregnant we were beyond thrilled. Total cloud 9.

I take the train to work. We had just gotten our 9th negative home pregnancy test over the weekend, and it was a Monday. I had a stressful day at work and considered, for the first time, getting a cocktail from the cafe car. I know this sounds corny.. but something in me said to pass up the drink because I was pregnant, and that it was a boy.

The pregnancy progressed pretty "normally" for about 12 weeks. We saw the "stong' heart beat on the ultrasound at 9 weeks. I called the baby Thomas and constantly daydreamed about the future.

Right before the holidays the OBGYN was unable to hear the heartbeat. He told me not to worry- that in some cases the baby's position made it hard. But I was worried. I am a thin person and reading I had done indicated that it would be easier to hear on a person of smaller stature. Something did not set well.

Our next appointment was in early January. I miscarried on Christmas. I know I was only 13/14 weeks along, but we were already so in love with the idea of the baby.

At the time, we were staying with my husband's twin in NYC. There were 8 family member crowded into her 3 room Manhattan apartment. Zero privacy. And her new boyfriend, a paramedic, kept trying to "help" me. Sweet of him, but I just wanted to be ALONE. The hardest thing for me to grasp was that there were NO warning signs. Boom- it just happened.

My OBGYN gave me two options- try to go to NYU Medical Center for a D&C or "go naturally." I choose the latter. I will never forget laying on the white sofa in her living room waiting for my baby to leave. Lights on the tree flickered, snow fell, wrapping paper was still on the floor. Sometime around 3am I had lots of cramping and wetness. Piece by piece, the baby went away.

The worst part was saving the placenta and the developing embryo/fetus for the OBGYN. I know how morbid this is, but I wanted to open the sack and look. I never did. But it really messed with my head having it sitting in the fridge. Later, we found it he was a boy.

I am currently pregnant again. I was VERY scared to try after the MC. As luck would have it, after TTC for 8 months, the second pregnacy happened on the first try.

I am now at 30 weeks. And every day I worry. Honestly, until they put the baby in my hands I think I will be apprehensive RE attachment.

My heart goes out to everyone on this board. For me, the hardest part of my MC was the loss of hope it ushered in. Pregnancy should be a joyful time. But when you lose a baby, your relationship with pregnancy changes. It because scary and unpredictable. Some of us build up walls to protect our hearts, we don't get to "enjoy" future pregnancies, we wonder why our bodies failed us.

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"Laurie SC" wrote:

My DH and I lost our daughter Jessica on 11/11/05 at 24 weeks. All of a sudden I realized I couldn't remember when I had last felt her move. She had been a very active baby - I could feel her movements from very early in pregnancy and by 24 weeks, she could pack a mean kick that took my breath away a couple of times. I called my OB and she tried to reassure me that sometimes babies become less active and not to worry. She told me to come in to check. In my mind, I am fighting the truth - denying that something is wrong but all the physical signs point to the fact that something terrible has happened. My tummy felt "slack"- it didn't have the characteristic, uncomfortable tightness of the day before. My breast were getting softer and weren't sore anymore. I had a horrible feeling in my gut but couldn't verbalize to my DH what I had noticed. As soon as my OB started moving the Doppler around my tummy, the tears started rolling down my cheeks. There was complete silence in the room. She told me not to panic and had me go across the hall to the U/S room. I could see the screen from where I was lying. I started really crying because on the previous 2 U/S, I saw a lively baby. Now I saw a dead screen confirming that I now had a dead baby. She sent us to an U/S doc to confirm that our baby was indeed gone. I checked into the hospital that evening and was given misoprostol suppositories to thin and dilate my cervix. My body didn't want to give her up because it took 36 hours for me to deliver her on 11/13/05.
At my follow up appt 2 wks later, my OB only had the preliminary autopsy. My OB said from visual examination, it looks like she had a chomosomal disorder. I studied the pictures my DH took when Jessica was born and realized she shows all the typical signs of Trisomy 18. I am due for an annual exam on 1/19 so I'm sure she will go over the full autopsy results then and we will find out why the amnio didn't catch the problem. It's strange though because when I was holding her, I didn't notice any of the physical abnormalities. I only saw my beautiful baby.
Grieving was tough. For awhile, all I could do was cry and look at my baby's pictures. On New Year's Day, I finally had the strength to let her go and asked God to hold her in His arms until we will be reunited.
I am 41 and hear my biological clock pounding in my ear. I hope I can have one more baby (I have 1 daughter who is 7 1/2) but we are praying and leaving it in God's hands.
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"poppy77" wrote:

Someone suggested i should paste my story from another thread here

(((Child ment))) (((preg ment)))

I didnt plan my pregnacy last was a wonderful conception planned only by God. It is my second baby and was very much wanted. I had the usual terrrible morning sickness more than the first and as i suspected at 19 weeks i found out it was a girl. I was in tears at such amzing news.

the next weeks went perfectly , clear tests for everything. Though i suffer from SPD (seperated symphisis pubis) This was the very least of my worries. I wore a brace which made life alot easier.

One night at 32 wks i was sitting up late with a girlfriend eating gelato (as u do!!) i was aware that there was no kicking in my very large stretched tight belly... usually eating sugary foods would be an instant response from her. The next morning i went into the hospital and was given the horrific news that she had no heart beat.

i made a decision that afternoon to give birth naturally and was given the first dose of gel. By 6 the next morning without any other form of induction i went into full natural labour. With 4 amzing mid wifes and my even more amzing dr i gave birth. My husband was yet again the knight in shining armour (He's just like aragorn in Lord of the rings!). he delivered her and smothered her with kisses and tears. We spent 7 hours with her lovely dark body, weeping and strangely celebrating what was her little life in heaven. i held her proudly and yearned tears and groaned at her sudden unexpected loss.

Its been 7 weeks since we held her tightly together and our souls wept and screamed as we said our final goodbye ...and as we sat there and boldy yearned from our soul a summer storm whipped up against the window of the birthing room, shaking the blinds and spalttering thick angry rain and lightning and thunder in the sky....

As is with all loss the first week was numb...though i like to think of it as being clothed in God's peace for a time... A season he gives us after the extremes of death to just function. After 2 or so weeks...i believe someting is removed and you then feel the full force of greif like a tidal wave

the last 7 weeks have been the most devastating days of my life... greif has become my daily routine, the days are long and a dull sadness folllows me wherever i go. Though we have had genuinely good times this summer, we have laughed and layed in the sun, drunk champagne and giggled with my girl friends... but we always return each new morning to the terrors of her loss.

Its early days i know but it feels that things just get harder as the reality of loss sets in. Yes God is good and His promises are fuel to live... But He himself walked the unavoidable path of mourning and the only choice i see is to keep moving, keep facing, keep crying, keep giving myself to the unpredictable waves of greif.

My son has been wonderful throughout these days... hugging us , giggling, literally pulling us out of bed to get on with the day. We are grayteful for him, he's been very sensative and a joy amidst the pain.

One thing i have come to learn about is the the wild ocean that is grief...sometimes it's like huge unstoppable crashing waves that you just have to stand and bare the full force of, sometimes it's like tiny currents that wash over me thru the night that trickle tears on my pilllow for hours as i try and sleep with my hollow empty belly...sometimes it's still and i just stare at my amazing husband across a room....the only person who knows and shares the depth of my pain.

i can also speak of a peace although that is not like any garment of God that i have ever worn so heavy before... it has clothed me for the days since she passed away inside of me, it gave me determined strength to give my baby the natural birth she deserved, it gave me clear thoughts on how i would say goodbye and it allowed me to take her into my heart as my second Willow Blue.

after much conversation thru my preg we had already named her...she has 5 names and they are all apart of our prayers and hopes for her life in this world and in the next

Her name is

Willow Blue Lotus Ariel Oldfield

Willow means freedom and she is part of the new generation of our family that is born free from past generations because of the forgiveness we have in Him. The water willow is a symbol of healing.

Blue: for the ocean and God's favourite colour. And for her father's love of the sea

Lotus: the heavenly flower, to remember her eastern roots and that she will always be our sri lankan princess.

Ariel: Lioness of God...our prophetic prayer for her life. The roaring bride of christ. We are grateful in the knowing she is now with THE lion of Judah.

this is my story. i would love to be in conatct with anyone who has had a loss at this stage... i guess i'm at a stage of many questions

Thankyou for reading

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"yagranat" wrote:

My name is Yelena, 28. My heart goes out to all the ladies on this board. I'd like to share my loss with you in hopes that it would give me some kind of piece.

My husband and I got pregnant on our honeymoon. We were thrilled. Our little bundle of joy was due on January 24, 2006 and we couldn't wait. My pregnancy was going perfectly, the baby was growing as it should, we passed all the tests with flying colors. At 33 weeks I went for a regular ultrasound and everything looked great. The baby turned from breach to head down and I was releived that I wouldn't have to have a c-section. At 34 weeks I had my regular check up appointment and again everything was perfect and the heartbeat was strong. That following Wednesday I noticed that I wasn't feeling the baby move as much but thought that she was just sleeping, it happend before so I wasn't worried. On thursday I started having mild contraction so I called my doctor and also mentioned that the baby's movement wasn't as active. She didn't really react to the movement but told me to monitor contractions and call her in the morning. On Friday, i still wasn't feeling the movement as I was used to it and so I decided to go to Labor and Delivery just to make sure everything was ok so I wouldn't spend the whole weekend worrying. When we got to the hospital, the nurse couldn't find the heartbeat and it took 4 doctors to finally tell me that our baby died. It is a horrific though to know that our little angel died inside me and I didn't even know it. I had to deliver our little girl. Because she was most likely dead for a few days, her skin was starting to come of her body.

The images of my little girl's face will hunt me for the rest of my life. That horrific night plays in my head everyday, my husband crying when we're told that she is gone, my parents and my sister yelling at the nurses becasue my blood pressure was dropping so much and no one would do anything and my little girl's face. We named her Alyssa. Its been a little over a month now and I am back at work pretending that I am ok. I feel like a zombi. We want to try again as soon as possible but i am soo scared. Scared that I will be a control freak instead of enjoying the pregnancy, scared of another loss, scared of never being able to move on.

The preliminary autopsy results showed that the cord didnt attached itself properly to the placenta right from the beginning and when she turned the cord ripped away. I thank god everyday that at least it wasn't anything genetic and I am told that this happens very very rarely. But I still wonder why it had to be us.


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"Elysita" wrote:

I don't really know what to say... this is my first time posting here and I thought I was feeling better about my MC, but I've been having a really hard time the past few days. My DH and I had talked about trying to get pregnant a few months ago and then back in September I decided to change jobs. I knew I would be taking a paycut at the new job, but I knew I would be much happier there. Well, few days before my last day at my old job I found out I was pregnant. My DH wanted me to stay but I told him no and started at my new job as a teacher in an infant room at a daycare. I was excited to find out that I was pregnant and my DH seemed to be excited too, but we were both a little stressed b/c of my recent job change. Everything seemed to be going fine, but in October I started bleeding a little bit. I went to the hospital and they did a U/S and told me everything was okay but to schedule an appointment with my do ctor. I went in and she told me she thought I was having a M/C so she sent me for another U/S where they told me everything looked fine and that at the next U/S we should be able to see the HB. Well, on my birthday I started having a lot of cramping and more bleeding and at some point during the night I told my DH I thought we should go to the hospital b/c I was in a lot of pain. We went and they did another U/S and told me that I had a M/C. Even though I knew something was wrong I still wasn't prepared for how much it would hurt to hear this news. It has been over 3 months now and I still think about it every day. Recently we went to go visit our friends who had just had a baby girl and it reminded me so much of how much I want a baby and that if everything had worked out we would be expecting in just a few months. The other night I was talking w/my DH and I told him I want to try for a baby again but he says he doesn't want to yet. I am completely devastated and don't know how to deal with this. I'm 27 and have wanted a baby for a while, but now after being pregnant and getting all excited it is just too hard to be okay with just waiting... :cry:


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"Keiran's Mama" wrote:

Hi everyone. I am Jamie and my husband is Trey. We were both 23 when we conceived and now we are 24.

I found out that we were expecting on May 29, 2005. Trey and I were thrilled. This was our first child. Trey named the baby "Freckle" because of how small she was when we found out. Everything was great at the first appointment. The baby was measuring good and we even heard the little heartbeat.

I had to go to the perinatologist because I have lupus and am considered high-risk. It was just a routine u/s. The tech took measurements (many of them) and then the doctor came in to see us. He told us that he wasn't concerned about the medication I was taking. He had plenty of patients that had been on it with no adverse effects. I was so relieved. Then he told us that he was concerned about the pocket of fluid on the baby's neck called a cystic hygroma. He told us that it could be nothing, Down Syndrome, Turner Syndrome, Trisomy 13 or Trisomy 18. There was the greatest chance that it would be Turner's or Down's. He gave us only a 17% chance of T13 or T18. We had a CVS and opted for the FISH as well. On August 1 we got the call. We found out that our baby had T13 which was "incompatible with life." We also found out that we were carrying a little girl. We chose to continue the pregnancy.

There were so many ups and downs. She had very few problems that could be found by u/s. She had a small VSD, a small hole in her brain and slightly inflamed kidneys. She didn't even have a cleft lip which is a very commom occurance with T13 babies. There were no major issues, so we got hopeful. She measured very small and they thought at one point she would die because the placenta was too small to sustain her. She kept defying the odds though.

Three days before her due date I starting getting an awful pain in the top of my uterus and a few contractions. I had developed preeclampsia so they induced me. Labor wasn't too bad and she was born so quickly that they couldn't get me into the OR like they wanted to. We didn't know that she had died during labor at first, but as soon as she came out I knew. She was perfect in every way.

Our little angel was born still on January 26, 2006 at 5:48 am. She was 19" long and weighed 4 lbs 12 oz.

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"ldkbaby00" wrote:

I would like to share my story.
We conceived our daughter on Mother's Day of 2005. We found out in September that we were having a little girl. We were so excited. We already have a son and having a daughter would complete our family.
The pregnancy progressed with no complications. Minimal weight gain, heartburn, nothing serious.
My OB was never able to get a clear shot of our daughter's heart on the ultrasound so she wanted to send me for a fetal echocardiogram to make sure her heart was ok. We had no reason to worry. I had had ultrasounds at 15, 21, and 28 weeks and according to her I was carrying a very healthy little girl.
We went for the fetal ECG at 34 weeks on December 15th. I will never forget that day. The cardiologist was very quiet during the whole test. After 45 minutes she said she had to go put some numbers in the computer and to wait for her in her office and she would be in to explain her findings.
That was when our world fell apart. She came in and said that it appears our daughter had a diaphragmatic hernia. I thought hernia is not a big deal no problem. When she explained the effects of the hernia I was terrified. All of our daughters abdominal organs had moved up into her chest cavity. Her heart was pushed to the right side of her body under her armpit. Her lungs were also not developing properly because of the stress of the abdominal organs. Her stomach, intestines, spleen, and part of her liver were in her chest. As if that was not enough she also said her heart did not look right.
She believed that our daughter had hypoplastic left heart syndrome. This along with the hernia were not compatible with life. At that moment our perfect family was shattered.
We went back for a follow up fetal ECG on the 28th of December. This time the news was a little better. She did have the hernia but the heart problems did not look as bad as originally diagnosed. She could not tell us exactly what the problem was but there was still a problem.
I began to prepare myself for the worst. My husband would not even think about the fact that our daughter might die.
I was referred to a fantastic perinatologist. She confirmed the diagnosis of the hernia and the heart issues were still not known.
My last appointment with her was on the 17th of January. She checked my cervix and I was dilated to 4cm. We decided that Madeline would be born on January 18th.
We arrived at the hospital at 8:20 on the morning of the 18th. I was already 5cm by that time. I was hooked up to pitocin at 9:20. By 1:00pm I was dilated to 7cm. I got the epidural at that time. Ten minutes later I was dilated to 10cm and ready to push.
After 3 pushes our beautiful daughter was born at 1:39pm. She let out the tiniest little cry and then was silent. She was placed on my chest for a few moments. She was baptized and then whisked away to the NICU at the Children's Hospital next door.
She weighed 6lb 15 oz. She was 20 1/2 inches long. She had the most beautiful head of black hair.
After being in recovery for about 2 hours I went to visit her at the NICU. She was so beautiful. My mom says she looked like me when I was born. We found out through another ECG performed on her after she was born that she had coarctation of the aorta and a ventricular septal defect. These were minor issues with her heart that could be repaired if she made it through the surgery to correct the hernia. We never made it to that point.
During the night on the 19th and the morning of the 20th she took a turn for the worse. We had to make the decision of whether or not to let her keep fighting or to let her go. We decided in the early hours of the 20th to let her go and just provide comfort care for her. We held her that morning and said goodbye. All of a sudden her stats began to improve. After about 3 hours of improved stats they began to decrease again. We knew that she was going to be gone soon. She waited until everyone that was important in her life to visit before she died.
Madeline fought for 51 hours before dying in her daddy's arms at 4:40pm on January 20th.
We were able to hold her and bathe her and dress her before we had to leave her. We spent about 2 hours just holding her and loving her.
We had her funeral on January 24th. So many people came to tell her goodbye. We buried her in our town at a cemetary by the golf course. Her daddy and her pappaw can go see her after a round of golf.
I miss her everyday and know that we made the right decision for her care. I just wish I could see her one more time and look at her eyes. I never saw them because they paralyzed her with medicine so she would not fight the tubes and machines.
I try to honor my Madeline Emiley everyday. I hope to continue to do that.
Thanks for reading the story of my precious angel baby girl.

Madeline Emiley 1/18/06-1/20/06

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"mlwood" wrote:

I've already posted this in my own thread but I know that will get lost over time. So I'm posting my story here so it sticks.

My husband (25) and I (22) have been married 3 years as of Feb 15. On January 9 2006 I gave birth to 20 week stillborn twin girls. Due to the type of twin pregnancy the girls would have been born via c-section on April 6 (instead of their June 2 due date). We were only 12 weeks away from meeting them or even 4 weeks as we were preparing to enter the hospital for daily monitoring starting at 24 weeks. If anything was discovered, the twins would be delivered early. I feel like I have a void in my life and I'm not sure how to fill it right now.

Here's our story:

My Husband and I started trying in September and got pregnant the first month. This was a complete shock to us as both my mom and my sister have fertility issues which the doctors think are genetic. I assumed I would take years to get pregnant -but I didn't. We were overjoyed - even more so when were told we were having identical twins!!! At the time we thought our life was perfect.

We knew from the beginning that the pregnancy was risky - there was no membrane dividing the girls which would mean guaranteed cord tanglement issues. We knew their cords woudl tangle, but we also knew it wasn't always life threatening.

Our 20 week ultrasound went perfect. The girls were healthy and perfect. The only problem was that they kept getting in the way of each other during the ultrasound. So after a 2 1/2 hour ultrasound the tech sent us home to rest and to come back 2 days later. We were excited for the follow up appointment because it meant we would get another peak at the girls. However within 2 minutes of the ultrasound we'd been told that they were no longer alive. Their cords were tangled, which we already knew and expected, but because they were so strong and healthy they'd pulled the knot too tight to allow for any cord flow. They couldn't survive. We didn't think it would actually happen.

I know it wasn't my body, I know it was just an "accident", but I also feel like I should have prevented it. I almost feel like if they weren't so healthy and strong they wouldn't have had the strength to do this. I know better than to have those feelings though. There really was nothing I could have done. I'm just glad they were part of my life for that short amount of time.

I look at their pictures often - and I marvel at how perfect they were - even down to their little toes. The hospital gave us a memory box which has little outfits, bracelets and their birth certificates. But the best part of it is their foot print cards. They were so tiny but perfect!!

We are waiting for doctors approval before we start trying again. We do want to add to our family.

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"angie911" wrote:

I have been active on this board for 4 months now, but have not given my story. So here it is! (I'm sure everyone knows it by now!)

Ryan and I found out we were pg after trying for 2 weeks! That's right, we weren't exactly sure of my ovulation, but I was pretty certain so we just gave it a try. I thought, "NO WAY" I started trying because I thought it would take longer. I was nervous and have to admit, VERY LEARY (sp) of being a parent. I had thoughts of not wanting this child. Well, my thoughts came true after telling the entire world and we could not find a heart beat on Valentines Day at 12 weeks. Baby died at 10 weeks. Our Due date was August 23, 2005. I m/c'd naturally, with Contractions and water breaking. It was horrible, but glad I didn't have a D/C.

We quickly tried again, our doctor saying go ahead as soon as I wanted to. He did not think there was a need to wait. I started charting temps and reading the internet and books regarding fertility. I got pg again in early May or late April. We miscarried again at 6 weeks. Then I went on to get pg again late july with a m/c in August. This time my doctor had put me on glucaphage/metphormine incase I was having insluin problems. Obviously not the problem.

We were so sick of the roller coaster. We didn't want to try. I put away my thermometer and just continued taking the Glucaphoge and Pre-Natals. We got pg the first cylce just 3-4 weeks later. We were so nervous and not really truley excited. We just knew it would happen again. Sure enough I felt a decrease in my symptoms and thought I was m/c'ing again. We went to the doctor got an ultra sound, they put the baby at 5 weeks with no heart beat. BUT WAIT they said, there is nothing wrong that we can see. You still have symptoms and the baby could be ok. (I doubted it strongly, crying the entire time that I was in the office) We came back a week later to have another ultra sound. WE SAW THE HEART BEATS!!! That's right we had twins and it was the first time we had ever seen hearts beating inside me. It was a precious moment and I still get weepy eyed, just thinking about it! God had taken the lives of 3 of our babies, but was going to give us Twins instead. OK! I can deal with this. Well, we had conquered the "don't get excited" attitude with the other m/c's but this one with twins, and heartbeats, well, we were in too deep! We were so excited we couldn't stand it. I was told I had a blood pocket and I was not to lift anything. NOTHING! Our next appointment was two weeks later. THE LONGEST TWO WEEKS OF OUR LIVES!

During the next two weeks I did not lift a finger and spent alot of time praying, and enjoying being pregnant. At the next appointment, I was worried. I knew my symptoms had decreased and I was just unsure. I thought it was just because of my worry and that nothing really could be wrong. But we went in and saw our babies with no hearts beating and we knew it was over. Our wonderful doctor cried with us along with the entire office. Our situation is few and far between in the small office in Muskegon, Michigan. We left with our lives shattered again. We held on to whatever we could and clung to God. We had a D/C on Halloween Morning of 2005. We have never experienced the full realization of God's control until that point. He is/was and always will be in control.

Now during the past couple of months, we have been concentrating life and not getting pregnant. In fact, I was worried I was pg, over Thanksgiving and I cried, just not ready to jump on the miscarriage rollercoaster. We are currently seeing a Specialist. He told us to wait to get pg. He wants to do alot of testing. We are not ready yet anyway. We have lost 5 children in one year and they are waiting in heaven for us. We are not capable of losing another for a little while. We are thankful we can conceive easily and pray that that trend continues.

I have done a tremendous amount of reading and research. I love the book, "Coming to Term" by Jon Cohen. EXCELLENT BOOK! I also have found that this Board has been amazing. It is where I have been able to love on and help others understand a few things about their m/c, and yet heal along with them.

Where are we now? Still hate seeing pg women, ok with little babies, but hate the ones that were born around my first due date-Aug 23! Not really an ok feeling, but honest with God and realize I would hate for them to experience what we are. No one deserves that. We want a child and would love just one. and then if we had more m/c after, we would be sad, but not without hope. I shouldn't say that. We are never without Hope, we have Jesus Christ, but sometimes, it just seems that way.

I want to thank each one of you who have cared about me. I have been low today and the past several Days. I don't know why, other than it has been over 1 year since my 1st m/c and I am no closer to carring to term. I hurt all over and feel very empty. It is as if my m/c just occured. I'm not worried! Joy comes in the morning!

Thanks for listening!

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"shellyedin" wrote:

Hi Everyone

I am new to this site and wanted to share my story. I am from Scotland and my b/f and I wanted to start trying for a baby while on holiday in oz for a month. My last period was 28th Jan 06. We found out in Sydney on 24th Feb that I was pregnant and it happened the first month of us trying. Everything appeared to be ok I felt quite lucky that I had no morning sickness just sore back and breasts which all seemed fairly standard. On 1st April I started to get a brownish discharge and telephoned our 24 hours NHS service as no doctor comes out to you here in the uk after hours. I spoke with a nurse and she said if I am not bleeding red of have cramps then all is fine. This brown discharge continued until 13th April where I though I better speak to the midwife as it was not a lot of discharge but was concerned that it should not be going on as long as this. I was told to call the hospital and get a scan the following day.

There had been a lot of chat amoungst my family about twins and that night I went to bed and had a dream about seeing two babies on a scan picture. I woke up went to the toilet and was bleeding red I was distraught my b/f was working nightshift and I phoned him immediately. We went to the hospital where they took blood and sent me home to come back the next day for the scan at 9.15 which I arranged on the Thursday.

I knew the worst at this point, I always remember people saying to me you will know when you are pregnant and they were right but now I knew there was something really wrong.

My b/f my mum and I went for the scan on the Friday 14th April and as soon as I saw the screen there was no heartbeat. I was also given an internal scan. I was told that the hospital I was in could not perform a D & C until 24th April and another hospital in the area could not give me a D & C until 18th April all because of easter holidays, obviously I opted for the one on the 18th. I was sent away with a handful of painkillers. From that point onwards the pains became worse and on the Saturday I had to go to another hospital to get more painkillers to try and get me through till the Tuesday, what annoys me about the british NHS is no doctor will come to you out of hours I was getting in a lot of pain but still had to go out and see someone to get more painkillers as I was not given enough to start with. Over the weekend the pain got worse and I took the painkillers when I went to the hospital on the Tuesday I was sent for another scan and I had a feeling that I was not going to need a D & C. When they scanned me my womb was empty, my body had done it on it's own which in some ways I am grateful for but if I had been seen when I first alerted someone on the 1st April to the brown discharge I would not have had to have gone through all the physical pain.

We were informed at the first scan that the baby died at 8 weeks 4 / 5 days. Our baby was due 4th November 2006.

My b/f and I have decided to name our baby Amy much to the disapproval of some of our family members because as they see it, it wasn't a baby well I am sorry to us it was and if you look at the fetal development online you will see it had a heartbeat etc.

Anyway as this week as gone on my pain has become a lot easier but the mental pain has not and I don't know if it ever will.

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Joined: 08/09/05
Posts: 1176

"nicoleballinger" wrote:

I have just joined this website; it's the first time I have ever explored the Net as a resource of comfort. Wow...having read some of the stories here, it's incredibly 'normalizing' for me.

I was blessed with the most uneventful pregnancy and healthy baby girl in Nov. 2000. Since then, we have been hoping to produce a sibling for her. It just doesn't seem to be 'in the cards', as we have suffered 4 miscarriages since.

Each baby has been lost due to unknown causes, and each around the 8 to 9 week mark. We see one of the country's top ob/gyn's and he indicates that my husband and I are both perfectly healthy.

We have done some healing things. We named each baby (together, we chose 'unisex' names we like: Alex, Sam, Max and Kim). We planted a tree for each one, and I have posted a memorial to them. I have sought counselling twice for my grief. Yet the pain remains immense. I know I should be grateful for the living child we have, to accept the losses, and to try to let the pain go. But I just feel stuck for the past 3.5 years (since we first miscarried).

Now a close friend of mine has just given birth to a little one that was due around the same time that Max was. I bumped into them today, and I was triggered into my grief all over again. I want to be happy for my friend, but I am so angry and jealous. I am triggered, by the way, everytime I see a baby, a pregnant belly, or a family with more than one I am triggered virtually everyday. That's how intense this longing and emptiness is within me. I know that you women will understand: it feels wonderful to know that I will finally be understood.

Any words of support would be greatly appreciated. I can see how you women take care of each other here, and I am looking forward to being of support too. I live in a small town, and have no one to talk to about this since there is no one I know who has also experienced recurrent miscarriages.

It feels good to be here: I feel that I belong, and that I am no longer alone (eventhough I am looking straight at a computer monitor!)

Thank you so much,

Uropachild's picture
Joined: 08/09/05
Posts: 1176

"2angels0102" wrote:

my name is tressa and i am 30 years old, i have been married for 10 years and for the first 5 years we tried to concieve (i have pcos) i finally became preg ant on october 23 2001 i became pregnant with first baby. then over thanksgiving weekend i lost the baby. then on june 22, 2002 (day before husbands birthday) we found out i was pregnant again. we were so excited. the second one was so different from the first one. what made it so more real was that i saw the heart beat during an ultrasound, actually 2 times. then on the daywe went to hear the heartbeat, the dr could hear the placenta but was unable to get the heartbeat. they still felt confident that this baby was going to go full term. the dr even said by golly we did it. this one is for sure going to happen. the very next day (august 7, 2002) i woke up feeling different, i had no symptoms of being pregnant and i started spotting. i was use to the spotting cause that was a weekly thing. i called the dr and of course i went in for another ultra sound. this was a weekly things as well. my friend was the ultra sound tech and also the one to have to tell me that i had lost my baby. she was the one who found both of my babies had gone. i really lost it at this point, it touched me that everyone in the office cried even the dr. the very next day i had a D&C. we have not tried since. i have really had a hard time, i really want a baby. but i am so scared. i decieded that God was trying to tell me something, so i went back to school and next may i will graduate, then we will start trying again. my dr does not want me working, going to school and being pregnant. i am waiting till i graduate because i think that is what God has planned for our family. i want to be able to give my baby the world. i think about my 2 angels up in heaven everyday. and i cry just knowing that they are up there and that i never got to hold them or kiss them. but i know that soon i will have a baby to hold and one that i know that they will watch over. there is my story, i know it is long, i think this helped me by writing it out.
Uropachild's picture
Joined: 08/09/05
Posts: 1176

"aquakttn" wrote:

We recently lost our baby. This was my first pregnancy. Sad