Zane (death ment & baby pics)

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Uropachild's picture
Joined: 08/09/05
Posts: 1176
Zane (death ment & baby pics)

WARNING: This is a detailed account of the day our son died, with pictures of him in special care. Please do not read it if it might affect you.

Tuesday 17th October 2006 was the worst day of my life. Our son was dying and it was the day we decided we had to let him go.

The previous day i had woken up in the early hours with a massive haemorrhage and delivered Zane by crash c-section. He weighed 8lb 12oz, but had to be whisked away to special care and received blood transfusions right away. The haemorrhage wasn't my blood you see, it was his. I'd been sitting on a time bomb of a little-known condition called Vasa Praevia (www.vasaprevia.com / www.vasapraevia.co.uk). When i bled it wasn't my blood i was loosing, it was his. When my membranes broke, so did the fetal blood vessels that were running through the membranes just on the inside of my cervix. It was undiagnosed, so he didn't stand a chance. If i had been prenatally diagnosed he would have been delivered at 35 weeks and would still be here today.

Yesterday was his birthday. DH and i bought a cake and some candles and had a slice to eat before we went to bed. We never let the occasion pass without doing something symbolic to mark it, but to us his birthday is no more or less painful than any other day. Our little boy is not with us and we feel it every day, in many different ways.

At two years old he would be walking and talking and causing me to tear out my hair no doubt. He would be at that cute stage where everything is wonderful to him - the stage that dads in particular look forward to.

It's been 868 days since we started trying for a family and we had no idea it would be this hard to achieve. When we started we considered infertility and miscarriages, but we never dreamed that something like this would happen to us. You just never expect to be the one that everyone hears about and feels sorry for. It's a cliche, but sometimes it really does feel like a nightmare that you can't wake up from. Everyone has those dreams when they're pregnant - the ones where you loose the baby. Then you wake up and you still feel that pain inside, that deep hurt because your baby has gone. It takes a moment or two to realise that it was just a dream. Maybe your baby kicks you to remind you that s/he's still there and then the relief comes crashing in. A respite! You might feel so affected by the dream that you weep with thanks that it's not true. That doesn't happen for me. I wake up, knowing that it's not a dream. No relief is coming for us.

Two years ago today we made the heartbreaking decision to take our son off the life support machine and let him die. He had already been brought round from heart failure and we knew that with the amount of blood he had lost and the seizures he had suffered, even if he did survive his quality of life would be severely reduced. His organs were all failing and the heart failure was his body telling us that he couldn't go on.

We sat waiting as the special care staff removed the wires and tubes from Zanes body. They picked him up from the table and handed him to me. This was the first time i had held my son and it wasn't how i had imagined for those nine months. No wet screaming bundle to hold to my breast. Our boy, the fighter who couldn't fight any longer. We carried him to a special room set aside for grieving parents and spent time with him. We held him and cried for him and not long after we got there, as Scott was holding him, he made a little sound - the only sound we had ever heard him make - and we think that's when he passed.

Life is so precious. We miss you so so much little man.

Thank you for sharing in his life.

jenners319617's picture
Joined: 12/27/07
Posts: 236

Sarah,
I've followed your pg on the Jan bb ever since we were on the TTC boards together.

I know small amounts about both Zane and Ada through some of your posts but with this account of your emotions and feelings, it really hits home for me.

I'm so very sorry for your loss but you are an incredibly strong woman, your story has touched so many peoples lives and we have grieved and loved right along with you.

Something you said below...hits me right where I am right now "You justnever expect to be the one that everyone hears about and feels sorry for"....so true!

I just wanted to give you a big hug :bigarmhug: and to let you know we are always here for you and wish you nothing but the best for the future.

cdokter's picture
Joined: 02/18/08
Posts: 126

I cry a lot for me. Now, I'm crying for you too (and everyone else who knows what this feels like). I'm so very sorry.

shellyhudson's picture
Joined: 01/13/07
Posts: 814

Zane was truly beautiful and I understand how much that you miss him with every moment. Thank you for allowing me to share this moment with you.

Shelly

Joined: 03/16/15
Posts: 53852

I am truly sorry for your losses. Thank you so much for sharing a part of Zane with us. Your family is beautiful and your little angel is so handsome.

Thank you for giving me that.
Robin

Joined: 07/30/06
Posts: 835

Zane was beautiful Sarah. Thank you for sharing him with us.

SAHM2AZL&K's picture
Joined: 06/08/05
Posts: 32

:bigarmhug: Sarah, Zane will always live on in your hearts :bigarmhug: He is such a handsome little man :angel7: Thinking of You Sweetie :bigarmhug:

Joined: 03/16/15
Posts: 53852

What a chunk! He is a beautiful baby.
You are probably one of the strongest poeple I have ever met. I am sure you do not feel like it, but you are. You are a good person and a great mom to two angels. I am sure the LO you are carrying will have some of Zanes and Adas love inside of him and two guardian angels always hovering close by.

Happy Birthday Zane!!!

jadeeye's picture
Joined: 07/23/07
Posts: 5

Oh lady! What a beautiful, beautiful chunky guy!!! I am so sorry for your loss. I lost twin girls, Jada and Jaelynn almost 3 yrs ago. Life has built itself around my grief, but the grief is never shrinks or going away. It used to be so unbearable I just could help myself out of bed in the morning. Today I laugh and live, but I wonder every day, how would life be now with 3 yo identical twin girls? Would I be able to tell them apart? Would they be Daddy's girls? No matter what the future holds, how many more children we will ever have, there will always be those 2 empty spaces...
Zane is a beautiful little boy too. Happy Birthday lil' man!!!

sunny_gal's picture
Joined: 06/04/07
Posts: 494

Thank you for sharing that with us. What a beautiful baby Zane was! You're stories are very touching and always bring a tears to my eyes. I hope you know that I get some of my strength from yours.

Even though I'm late in saying this, Happy Birthday Zane!

Joined: 10/09/04
Posts: 74

Happy Birthday Zane.

It is a priviledge to share with you in remembering his life, Sarah.

squirlyj's picture
Joined: 11/06/05
Posts: 121

Happy birthday Zane! What a terrible decision you had to make, but I know you followed your heart and made the right choice.

Joined: 01/25/02
Posts: 2023

Happy Birthday Zane.

Sarah, I am so sorry for your and Scott's loss. You amaze me and my heart just breaks for you. Zane was a beautiful boy, and I am so glad that you have had the courage to share him and your story with us, again and again. Hugs!

babyfreill's picture
Joined: 07/13/06
Posts: 23

Happy Birthday Zane! Thanks for sharing him with us Sarah. :bighug:

SparkIris's picture
Joined: 12/22/06
Posts: 35

:bighug: for you, Sarah.

Happy Birthday, Zane!

allyinthevalley's picture
Joined: 01/31/08
Posts: 66

Forgive my late reply... Just wanted to say how much I wish I could just give you a hug...

Joined: 03/16/15
Posts: 53852

Sorry to be replying so late, sweetheart. I've been incredibly "time poor" for the last two weeks -- not getting near the computer!

Wow. Thank you for sharing the details of such an intimate part of your life with us. Zane's life. I sit here struggling to type, through the tears.

Makes me all the more determined to raise awareness and disseminate information about pregnancy and infant loss -- especially, preventable and senseless loss. My heart is breaking for you and your wonderful Zane.

Now watch it, Sarah! I'm on a roll! Our local newspaper (circulation of about 100,000) is set to host a regular column that I will be contributing -- to support parents and raise awareness. I've also caught the interest of our local Rotary Club president -- he'd like to see Rotary get behind our efforts to raise awareness, support, educate and make our government wake up! How cool would that be? I'll keep you posted.

Happy belated birthday, little fellow. Your mum and dad will always love you.

Great big bear hugs, Sarah.

Love,
Nicole

Joined: 03/16/15
Posts: 53852

Thank you for sharing that with us Sarah! Zane is so lucky to have such a wonderful mommy who celebrates his birthday in a special way every year. Big hugs.

Joined: 03/16/15
Posts: 53852

Hugs to you Sarah and Happy Birthday to Zane from a fellow Oct 06'er.

menaparker's picture
Joined: 03/25/06
Posts: 13

sorry I missed Zane's birthday, Sarah. Zane will always be a part of my life and in my thoughts. x

HopefullySoon's picture
Joined: 01/31/08
Posts: 163

Happy belated bday, Zane. I will always remember you and your mama.

Geohde's picture
Joined: 12/03/06
Posts: 312

Sarah,

I think of you and your family often....

J

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