*My little -unwanted- Miracle*

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Joined: 06/24/12
Posts: 252
*My little -unwanted- Miracle*

Ouch. With a title like that, I am sure your rolling your eyes at your computer screen. Maybe your mouth is hanging slighty agape with an 'ugh' escaping your lips? You could even be so disgusted, you couldn't wait to start reading! Just so you could judge me, and in turn make yourself feel just a little bit better. I only guess those reactions, because I have experienced feeling every single one of them, while being a member of PO.

I will start out with a little about myself. My name is Jae. I have a beautiful ten year old little girl named, Emma. She was born early on 10/29/02. She has been a complete blessing to have. I was a teen mother, but thankfully my maternal instinct kicked in the second my doctor told me my water had broken. I have spent the past ten (yes, ten.) focusing solely on my, Emma. I was able to give her all the time, attention and affection she needed. She did not have to share me with a single soul. I was hers, and she was my heart. We all know you can not live without your heart.

When I met Jeremy, he knew that having another child was not an option for me. He made it clear that he would like to have children, but he would be just as happy raising Emma as his own. My reasoning was strongly based on the fact that, My daughter would be going through puberity in the coming few years, and I needed to be there for her, and her only, as I had been and as I had promised it would continue that way. Jeremy is an amazing man. My daughters father is in the military, and though he supports her and visits when he can(E's paternal grandparents are amazing as well, since the day she was born that have done everything in their power to give her the life she deserves, and for that I will be eternally greatful), but it just is not the same as having a male father figure in her life, daily. Jeremy fell in love with E, just as I knew he would. I began thanking the lord for completing my family. Thanking whatever higher power there may be for bringing this honest, hard working, affectionate and well rounded man into our lives. E fell in love, just as quickly. One day in december, shortly have Jeremy proposed; E & I were walking the trash to the dumpster she said "Mom, we are really lucky Jeremy loves us, aren't we mom?" and I looked at her and said "Actually, bug, HE is really lucky that WE love him." In either case, I think both are true.

Jeremy & I had a beautiful wedding, where my daughter, my Emma, gave me away to him. She had no reserves and gave the evil eye to all those in the room when the pastor said "Speak now or forever hold your peace." She was not about to let anyone get in the way of her family becoming complete. Well, as we all at that time thought it was.

Shortly after our wedding day, I began feeling ill. Light headed, vomiting so much the toilet became my only friend. I was bleeding and cramping and I began to think I was getting the flu. We went to the hospital when I became so dehydrated I did not urinate for 36 hours. My mouth was so dry I had to have Jeremy drip drops of water into my mouth, because even swallowing a mouthful...I would vomit.

We got to the hospital, and after 10 hours of sitting there, I was told I was pregnant. I sat stone faced and shocked. "but, I am bleeding." is all I could get out. I was given the explanation of implantation bleeding, blah blah blah. "but this is different. Its bright red! Its clots! I just had my period! We used protection!" I began trying to talk the doctor out of his conclusion. Trying to tell him that this fact, was wrong. Jeremy stood up behind me and began rubbing my shoulders as he began to ask the Dr. questions about how the bleeding, my health, would this pregnancy be viable? As i was trying to deny this beautiful fact of life, this amazing amazing man was figuring out all he could do to ensure this little ones arrival.

We were sent home.

BUT

The bleeding continued.

And profusely.

We returned to the ER five days later.

After the blood draws the doctor came in and said "Mrs. So&so, that little number that tells if your pregnant, and how far along you are...." I interupted with "my HCG?" and he gave me back the "And I had to go to med school to learn that!" line. My back tightened up and Jeremy once again jumped up, stood behind me with his right hand kneading into my left shoulder. "Well, Ma'am...your HCG is dropping. I am sorry, Mrs.So&so, but you are having a miscarriage." Jeremys hand went limp, my shoulders relaxed and dropped. He gave us the 'Im so sorry' doctor look and shut the door. What happened after that will forever remain between my husband and I.

We were sent home to allow the 'clots' to pass and were to come back in the next week.

I quickly resigned myself to the fact that this was meant to be. My precious, Emma, was meant to be my only child. My all and everything.

Over the next week my husband cared for me during the bleeding and cramping. He barely let me get out of bed, and played with Emma and made her dinner when I wanted to take my four hour naps. I knew I had married the right man.

Joined: 06/24/12
Posts: 252

When Jeremy and I went back to the hospital, I was praying that I would not have to have a D&C. He was praying that out child was viable.

He would talk to my belly: "I will buy you ANY car you want when you turn 16; if you just keep hanging on to momma"

When we arrived at the hospital, same old same old. Blood tests. Waiting.

They came back in, and this time they wanted an ultrasound.

"It's just to make sure all the clots are out."

Thought, still, Jeremy kept his hopes high.

I found myself getting annoyed at him. "I have already told him, this isn't happening. Just get over it already." I had the occasional twinge in my heart, but I just kept telling myself that it is better this way. After sitting in the basement of the hospital for nearly an hour, the tec came in dressed in normal clothing, telling a coworker how he had just been called in from home.

Called in from home? Hmmm.

He began his ultrasound with the screened turned just ever so slightly out of my view. Jeremy sat next to me and held my hand, as I kept my eyes closed. "Why aren't you looking, Jae?" "Well, I don't think there is anything there to look at."

A quick and short inhale of breath.

I peaked open my eyes.

Not from Jeremy. Not from me, I knew that.

The gentleman continued his scanning, as I laid in silence and Jeremy asked four times if he could see "anything?" and he got the same response "The doctor has to read the scans, and than he will be in to talk to you." everytime.

Joined: 06/24/12
Posts: 252

"Well, Mrs.so&so, you are pregnant. You are absolutely still pregnant."

We left that hospital in shock, disbelief, horror. No, I worded that wrong, I left the hospital in shock, disbelief and horror. My husband left that hospital floating on cloud 9.

Joined: 06/24/12
Posts: 252

The things that happened in the few weeks after leaving that hospital, truly do bother me, deep down to my soul. They are things my husband and I experienced together, and those experiences will remain between us for the rest of our lives. To be honest, I did not become "happy" because I was pregnant until about 15weeks and I did not become "thrilled, thankful, ashamed of my previous feelings, walking on air ***I'm haaaaavin a baby, oh yea oh yea.***** and the best part of it ****Emmmmmmmaa Your going to be a big sister!****** happy" until our eighteen week ultrasound. We did rock, paper, scissors to decide if we would find out the sex of baby(how we handle most decision making in our household) and of course, Emma won, and she chose that we would find out.


WE ARE HAVING A LITTLE GIRL, TESSA ELAINE!

Joined: 06/24/12
Posts: 252

The next 4 weeks were joyful, though my contractions were becoming worse and worse. I was told the good ol "drink more fluids" line. My husband, Daughter and I were going in for another ultrasound and I could tell the tech was focusing in on something. She than had us wait for the doctor who said to my daughter "Hey, Emma, ever think about going into med school?" she gave the shy eyes but than said "Well, I have considered it."(yes, those were the actual words out of her mouth) the doctor chuckled and than said "Well mom, good thing Emma is considering med school, because you need a doctor, and you need one now, hun. Your in a labor." I was shocked. I was only 23weeks pregnant.

My cervix was completely effaced, finger tip dilated. My contractions were 3min apart and baby was having some severe heart decels during contractions. I got both rounds of betamethsene(sp?) to strengthen Tessa's lung. Procardia around the clock, pottasium, and many more interventions, that at this late time I can not think of.

Well, I have become a professional patient, as I have been here a month, and will be here for the remainder of the pregnancy.

So, I got you up to date as quickly as I could. When I post tomorrow, it will then truly become my pregnancy journal, because everything up until tomorrows post has been catch up.

Joined: 06/24/12
Posts: 252
Joined: 06/24/12
Posts: 252

27weeks1day today! Yay! Thank heavens!! We are very close to thirty four weeks which is the time frame we are shooting for to keep you in my belly! We are even closer to thirty weeks which is a great milestone for your survival! At this point, baby girl, Every single day matters!!

I began to feel your big sister move at around twenty seven weeks and the most amazing thing happened last night!! Daddy and I went to a labor basics course! The hospital allowed him to bring me down in a wheelchair to attend the course, which was wonderful! Well, during the class you started kicking up a storm! More intense and the strongest kicks I have felt thus far!! Just like your big sister, Emma. Both of you at twenty seven weeks to the day, made sure to let momma know, WE ARE HERE! WE ARE STRONG so&so Girls! I am very proud of you!

Daddy and I have had some serious talks, and we have decided to try to have an unmedicated birth. If the need for pain medication arises, we will not being going the epidural route, as I would like to be able to change positions to labor and use gravity to our advantage. Daddy also wants to be able to help me labor and comfort me, which will be less likely/needed with an epidural. I have decided to give birth nude, and truly experiance the birth process. It is very hard for me to remember your sisters birth, and though giving birth to Emma was an amazing moment in my life, there are some things I would like to try differently when it comes to birthing you, Miss Tessa.

I go to maternal fetal medicine on Tuesday to check my cervix and your growth. I could possibly go home because I will be 27w1day, almost 28w, but the doctor said don't expect it. I am still contracting my little roo, but your heart rate is beautiful during them. AFter being on bedrest for a month, just sitting up in a normal chair at the class yesterday became SO uncomfortable. The little walking I did do, wore me out and I slept from about 11pm til 4:40 this morning. Thats good for me!

Also, we had your hand knit hats, booties and gloves come in! They are MUCH better quality than I could have ever expected, and I can't wait to put them on you!

Oh Tessa Elaine so&so, I truly can not wait(for lack of a better term, because I can wait, and will wait until your nice and healthy and ready to come meet your family! SO keep growing baby grow!) to meet you. I can not wait to hold you. I want to look into your eyes as your nurse from my breast. I want to smell your baby breath! Before you nurse, as soon as you are born, I want to smell the breathes you take. Complete pure oxygen coming from your lungs. Beware, your big sister is ten and I still tell her "give momma a smell" every morning. Something about smelling my childrens breath, hmmmm. I thrive on it. It just shows me how alive we truly are. I am so excited for your arrival, Tess. I truly never thought I would have another baby, and though I was scared in the beginning, I am so so ready to open up my heart and love you the way I love your sister. I will love you with reckless abandon. I will love you unconditional. My every breath will be for your sister and you. You are my lungs, and you know you can't live without your lungs. I feel an odd mixture of guilt and joy, as a type the previous sentence. I have always said to Emma, "You are my heart, and you know you can not live without your heart." I am still trying to reconcile my ability to love both my girls, equally. Every little kick in my womb makes my heart flutter with pure joy. Every smirk your big sister gives me makes my heart explode with pure joy and love. I am positive that the moment I lay eyes on you, I will fall just as deeply in love with you, as I am with your big sister.

Just like at your 18week ultrasound, as soon as I saw your face, your spine, your little feet; I began to shake with joy. I was amazed at the love I felt for you, already. Just staring at a monitor.

Tessa Elaine, you are MY daughter. My joy, my happiness, my reason for being, my ability to breathe. MY LUNGS

Just as your sister is my heart, You are my lungs. Everyone knows you can not live with your heart, and you can not live without your lungs. Both organs help make up our bodies, and BOTHof my beautiful girls make up my being.My ability to live. My reason for being.

Joined: 06/24/12
Posts: 252

FYI:all text that reads so&so will be replaced by our last name when this is printed out and made into a scrapbook/journal for my daugher.

Joined: 06/24/12
Posts: 252

::wagging my finger:: Ms.Tessa, Ms.Tessa, Ms.Tessa, you were causing a little bit of trouble today baby! We had a three minute heart decel and that scares the beejuz out of your momma and all the nurses! They had to come in and move me on to my sides, than little girl, your heart dropped even looooower. Dr.B has said you are a backwards baby! You like it best, and show it, when I am on my back. So, then they had to put me on fluids; after she blew one vein, we went to the other, that began to infiltrate, so we had to go into the middle of my arm. Ouchie place to have an active IV for the next four days! It went back up, and has so far, stayed up, so you be a good good girl Tessa and get some rest now, while momma gets hers as well!

Joined: 06/24/12
Posts: 252

27weeks6days pregnant!

My contractions have definitely been slowing down in intensity and timing. We go to see maternal fetal medicine today to find out about my cervix (has it thickened back up? I am dilating more) and your growth. I am going to ask the tech if she can switch over to a 4d ultrasound for just a second today! I would be thrilled, thrilled, thrilled to get to see you so close! I am SOOOOO EXCITED to see you today, Tessa! I beg of you to please be active for momma and daddy and give us some real good shots of you, ok? No curling up like a little kangaroo and staying there! Do some gymnastics for your momma, while there is still room!

I was talking to your big sister, Emma on Skype last night. (She is in Ohio visiting her paternal nana & pop) She wants to start a video diary before you come, and then make a video daily of advice she has for you, silly things you did that day, etc. etc. I think she is starting to become very excited for your arrival!! I hope you take it a little easy on her at first, because you have to remember she has been an only momma’s girl for ten years. I cannot wait to take that first photo of you with your big sister!

Also, your pop-pop (my dad) came and visited us at the hospital and bought your Crib/Dresser/Changing table. We split the cost, so it is his gift to you. You’re so spoiled already! I really love the furniture we got for your new room! You and your sister switched rooms (boy, its starting already, lol) to give her the larger one since she is the older sister (Get used to it, Roo! lol). We completely remodeled your sister’s room and bought her all new furniture (including a loft bed, which I am so worried you will try to climb up when you hit the 'terrible twos') and we are completely remodeling your room, as well. Down to the paint, rugs, and brand new furniture/bedding/window treatments, etc. We had to make your nursery, and we figured to go ahead and do your big sisters room as well, since she is getting older and needed to move up from the Hannah Montana room. We also didn't want her to feel left out. This also reminds me, I have to start looking into a gift to get Emma, for you to give to her on the day you’re born. Anyway, Tess, the house is coming along slow and steady with Daddy & Grandmom doing all of the work, while I just sit back on my hospital bed and pick out furniture/color palettes on line.

I truly hope everything will be ready for you when you get home Smile Daddy can be lazy sometimes (that you will learn) but I know he is busting his butt to get this done for you.

I am SOOOOOOOOOOO EXCITED to go to maternal/fetal medicine and see you today!!! There is also a 1 in a bazillion chance that if my cervix hasn’t changed, I could go home. I am not getting my hopes up, but there is still that dim chance I could possibly go home. –Keep my fingers crossed- but, I will do anything I need to do to keep you where you belong, in utero.
Well, I will update this evening after I get back from maternal fetal medicine, wish momma luck!!

Joined: 06/24/12
Posts: 252

July 1, 2012

28w1d
Well, Little miss Tessa! I have a lot to tell you about!! First, this morning the Resident and Attending doctors said how amazed they were that I am still pregnant. They all said they truly believed I was going to deliver shortly after I was admitted here(hospital) at 23w3d. Though my cervix is *still* dynamic and I am *still* contracting on a regular basis, nothing has gotten worse, thank the heavens! Here goes the good news,Roo…………….IF NOTHING CHANGES, I can go home at 30weeks pregnant. Which would still give me some time to enjoy the pregnancy like taking maternity photos, and get some special time in with your big sister before your arrival. I, of course, would still have to take it easy, but at least I would be home!! Also, when I was admitted, you were 1lb3oz, you are now TWO POUNDS FIVE OUNCES!! That’s a good girl, Tessa. From here on out, you should grow about half a pound a week.

Now, baby girl….Here is where we have to have a serious talk, Missy. The ultrasound Tech was kind enough to do a 3d ultrasound for us, which gives you a much more in-depth look at your body and face. Well, little miss Tess, you were using your hands to cover your face completely, and when the tech was shaking my belly slightly to try to get you to pull your hands down, you completely flipped over so we couldn’t see your face at all!! I guess you want us to be completely surprised, and you won’t even give us the slightest hint concerning what you look like!! That’s what your daddy wants, though, to be completely surprised concerning your appearance, and I can understand that. He also wanted to be surprised concerning you gender, but that didn’t happen either, so It seems fair that he gets to be surprised about one thing. I will write the story about how we found out about your gender sometime soon. Hmm, Thanks for the nudge in the belly you just gave me baby girl! You are head down, and what I thought were kicks from you, are actually punches (hmm, another one lol) and elbows! You are a very strong girl already! Like your grandmom!

Well, Tessa. I truly didn’t realize how worried the doctors were concerning my chance at delivery. They were basically positive I was going to deliver within a week or two of being admitted. WE proved them all wrong, baby girl!! Let’s try to make that a habit of ours, ok baby? Anybody who doubts us, we prove them wrong and show them we can do ANYTHING together! I am just so thankful that you’re still growing inside momma where you belong, I am proud of you, Tessa. I am also so so so sorry my body began trying to deliver you early. I am so proud of you for hanging in there and not giving up!
We made it further along in the pregnancy than anybody thought we would, and that proves we are a good team, Tessa. I am so thankful you are my daughter, and I have the opportunity to give birth to you, to meet you, to care for you and most importantly I was given the duty of raising you.

Tessa Elaine so&so, I cherish you. I Promise(and promise truly does not sound like the appropriate or strong enough meaning word)to give you all of myself I will give all the care, attention, love, affection you deserve. I will put all my time, energy, focus and attention into caring for and raising you and your sister into the healthy, happy, educated, well rounded, optimistic and loving woman I know you are both destined to be. I truly cannot wait(again only saying ‘cannot wait’ for lack of a better term, I can and will wait, I am just filled with excitement) to meet you. To touch you. To look into your eyes. To smell your breath. To feel your skin. To hold you in my arms and marvel at the beautiful gift I have been given to cherish, care for and raise.

I love you, Tessa Elaine so&so. Keep hanging out in momma’s belly, I will meet you soon enough. Until then, I truly hope that every time you hear my beat, you know its beating for you.

Joined: 06/24/12
Posts: 252

I starting counting my EDD off by one day. I knew every Tuesday I was a week further along, when I got here(hosp) they said every wends I changed. The ultrasound confirmed that it is every tues.

Joined: 06/24/12
Posts: 252

Hm, I am starting to get slightly..who am I kidding? Extremely overwhelmed because I have been hospitalized so long. I miss your big sister so much, my heart literally hurts. Em & I have been face chatting, but its just not the same. I told her to find some Alice in wonderland shrinking potion, so she can come through the computer to get home, so she is on a mission trying to find some Wink If she can't locate that at Nana and pops she will be home on the 9th. Soon, but not soon enough for me. You will learn, momma is very impatient. Like someone else I know, huh Tess? Wink I Just hate being here(hosp) alone, throughout the day. Daddy comes after work, but he has so much to do at the house, between the house and work, I don't ask him to come every day, because it would drain all his energy dry.

There are just so many things I wish I was doing to prepare for your arrival, and I can't. I have the instinct to nest so much, and all I can do is fold and refold my nightgowns here, lol.

I also feel like I can not properly prepare for your arrival while I am here. I do much better when I can actually look at all the items I have and check off down the list of what I still need. I have been reading to fill up my time, which is normally my escape at home, but does not seem so (gassssp!) fulfilling while here. I hope when your sister gets back and can spend some time here, things will get easier.

Well, I love you Roo and I will do what I need to do. (Ha, mommas a poet and she didn't even know it).

Oh, and I should fill you in now, to why Daddy and I call you Roo.

Since your ultrasound at 18 weeks you have been knees to belly, ankles crossed in my womb, just like a little kangaroo.

Daddy calls your big sister Bear, and I call her Bug. Just so you know, she answers to both, lol.

I love you, Tess.

Hang tight baby girl.

Joined: 06/24/12
Posts: 252

I just had a horrific thought run through my head. That when the nurse would come to put me on the ToCo in half an hour, we wouldn't be able to find your heart beat. It got worse from there as it all played out in my head. I started trying to focus back on the last time I felt you kick, the contractions can cover up your movement sometimes, and than boooom you gave momma a good elbow to the belly button. Good girl, Tessa. Good girl.

Joined: 06/24/12
Posts: 252

Its nice here, when I am hungry, I just look at a menu and call, annnnd its good food. I havent gained any of the twenty pounds I lost in the begining back, but Tess is growing just fine. We are both doing well. She was 2.5lbs at twenty seven weeks, and at that point, my cervix hadn't changed recently. Though, I bled two nights ago, and I have been getting the sharp shooting pain, down and out my vagina, so they had said that if at thirty weeks, I hadn't changed, I could go home. Which, seems kind of doubtful to me considering the symptoms I have been feeling/seeing. I still need a bag of fluid every other day, no matter how much water I drink, and still having contractions. All day yesterday, they were 3minutes apart.

Anyway, YOUR BIG SISTER CAME HOME YESTERDAY! It was SO wonderful to be able to see her, and love on her! Geeeeeezzz did she get tan! She is coming for another visit today, so PLEASE Tessa Elaine, be an active little Roo so your big sister can feel you move!!!

Joined: 06/24/12
Posts: 252

Baby girl, you amaze me. You have heart decels that seem to come out of no where but during and after contractions you have the steadiest heart rate. LOL you just kicked the toco monitor off. Also, since we have arrived, you have not moved! Vertex, just like a little kangaroo! We always get your heart beat just at my pubic hair line. (Thanks Roo, I have to continue to shave down there, when I cant even see it!)

I had horrific lower abdomen and back pain yesterday afternoon and this morning. It has stopped completely, but it doesnt make me feel good about my cervix not changing at all. We shall see, baby girl, we shall see. Your perfect little sister LOVED her new room, and she is coming to spend the night here tomorrow night. Brammom will drop her off, and Daddy is coming after work, to sleep here with all of us. I am very excited!! Our video camera also came in, so I charged it today, and we have to learn how to work it tomorrow when Daddy is here.

Every single day I get more excited for your arrival. It still doesnt seem real that I will have another baby in my arms, it has been SO long, and I know your big sister has no idea what is about to hit her, not a clue. I cant even imagine what you will look like yet, but I *know* your coming. I love you Tessa.

Joined: 06/24/12
Posts: 252

29 weeks 4 days

Don't take my word for it,but I don't know if I will make it to 32 weeks. I have been having SUCH intense pressure in my vagina and butt. When I walk to the ice machine and back (the only place I can walk), the pressure itself gets extremely intense. This is a different feeling than I have experienced. Up until now, it has just been the contractions.

I wanted also to say, I have had two nurses who have made this stay here SO much better. Angela, is a young nurse, who has the same exact engagement ring style as me(just a bigger diamond, lol) and she is wonderful. She is SO attentive, AND she finds the time to talk to me. Thats a difficult combo to find! She has been there during some of your heart decels, and Tessa, boy does she keep your momma calm. She truly is a wonderful friend, and I wish we could be friends, and not have that patient/caretaker relationship. She has made my stay SO much happier, and I look forward to the nights I have her.

Also, there is a nurse Paula. She is not attentive as, Angela, thats for sure, but she talks so much to me. She tells me about her life, and asks about mine. Twice, she has stayed in my room and talked to me for an 1 1/2hour. She makes me feel like I am important, and so is my baby.

When I get discharged I am going to send them a Mrs.Fields cookie/brownie basket because I truly would not still be pregnant without them, all the nurses here have cared wonderfully for me. I thought about flowers, but I know every time they eat one of those cookies/brownies, they will smile and think of you & I, thats what I want.

I am VERY blessed I cancelled your ultrasound that tuesday because I was to sick and tired to go, and than I rescheduled, and the only place that had an appt. was the hospital further away. I would have been at a hospital that wouldn't have been able to care for us.

Also, MY progesterone come in yesterday!!! THANK HEAVENS!!!! It has been a month waiting for it! I recieved the shot yesterday, but I am still putting in the vaginal suppositories until maternal fetal medicine decides what to do.

I really really want to go home, so I can enjoy the last few weeks of pregnancy with the family. Don't get me wrong, even after all we have been through the past couple months (well, since the day I found out you were in my womb) I have still enjoyed being pregnant. I love feeling you kick, knowing your there....responding to my voice, movements etc. I really have enjoyed carrying you, Tessa.

I would LOVE to go out food shopping as a cute pregnant woman, I would love to go to the mall. I would love to take your big sister to t he beach, for the very last time as an only child. She wants me home desperately before school starts because sometimes her and daddy fight(for lack of a better word) concerning what Emma is going to wear, and as she says "Your more fun in the morning" because I am wide awake, in a good mood, and try to make sure she gets on the bus in a good mood. Daddy is a sleepy, sleepy head. Which makes sense, seeing as how much work he does to care for us.

I want to take beautiful maternity as a family, etc. Either way, it has been totally worth it, to have you healthy and happy as a result. I am so excited to see you, Tessa! I can not even picture what you look like, it is going to be one big surprise, that is for darn sure!! Daddy hopes you have dark hair, my face shape/nose and my blue eyes. Though, daddy calls them green and I call them a 'pond water' blue/green color. Your big sister barely looks like me(though as she is getting older, I hear she looks more and more like me),so much so, that we would joke we brought the wrong baby home from the hospital, so, selfishly, I am wishing you look just like me. No matter what I am going to be thrilled to have you in my arms.

I feel ashamed, because I have doesnt as much research on baby products as I did with your sister, even though I have so much free time. I really have to start researching breastfeeding and birth. Your father and I have to practice our breathing techniques, etc. I have the most intense urge to breastfeed you, Tessa. Though you will be in the NICU for a little while after birth, I truly want to breastfeed you. I AM begging you, Tessa Elaine so&so, to please have a beautifully strong and correct latch and sucking reflex. I am also hoping I produce a very good milk supply, etc.

I LOVE YOU TESSA!!

Joined: 06/24/12
Posts: 252

I am going home!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Woohooooooo baby girl!!! Momma is going home!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Joined: 06/24/12
Posts: 252

Tessa Elaine was born today at 7:15pm. We had an NST at 8am, where she came back nonreactive. We than had a biophysical that recieved a 4 out of 10. My fluid had dropped from 14 to 6, so they decided to induce. My pitocin was started at 3pm where I was already 4cm. At 6:53pm, I was 6cm and 100%effaced. They broke my water, and Tessa was born at 7:15pm after four good pushes. I did not recieve an epidural or any pain medication. She was 4lbs 4oz (which was expected because of IUGR due to high blood pressure and placenta insuffieciny) and 17 3/4in long. She is on a cpap now, but the drs believe she will be weaned off completely by tomorrow afternoon. She is BEAUTIFUL! She has her fathers nose, eyes, head shape, ears and bottom lip. (She looks like his twin, though he doesn't see it of course) She has Mommys top lip, fingers and toes. She also has her big sisters two small hammer toes on left foot. I could not be happier. Daddy is sleeping now, he sure was worn out I have pumped once so far and got 5ml. I am extremely excited to continue pumping and to continue getting to know my beautiful little girl. Yahoo Thank you lord for the blessing you have bestowed upon myself and my daughters. I beg of you to please sorround her with your protection, love, light and guidance.

Joined: 06/24/12
Posts: 252

I can not believe I had a baby with no pain medication! I **wanted*** to be able to do it so deeply, but I questioned my ability to do it, at the deepest parts of my soul. As they were setting up the delivery area, I asked for an epidural and the nurse said I was ready to push, I didnt believe her, because I didnt feel the need to push, just a huge amount of pain, and I said "You can't be ****ing serious!" Oh, my dad would be disappointed. I truly felt like I was having a bowel movement. I just thank god I used the suppositories early in the day, because I didn't have a bowel movement during delivery, though I was positive I did. Well I pushed twice, and there was a huge burst of fluid out of my vagina, it got on my moms glasses, lol and I thought I had delivered her completely! Well then my husband said "Ohhh Baby! She has hair!" and the dr said "That was the head, give me another push!" and I yelled "I can't do this!!" they screamed at me "grab your legs and push!" all while I am thinking 'how the hell can I grab my legs, and push at the same time?!' at the time it didnt seem possible. Well, There was another big burst of fluid, literally flew out all over the doctor and I felt her little body squirm out of me! I watched the doctor suction her mouth, as she began to urinate! They took her over to the isolette and she was screaming up a storm! They allowed me to wait and deliver the placenta, which I was petrified to do. Her umbilical was short, I remember the dr saying. I watched so much more, and paid attention so much more to my sorroundings this time! My husband started crying and staring at me telling me how amazing I did, and how much he loved me! He kept direct eye contact with me, talking and crying until at about 7:19pm, I said "baby, do you wanna go see your baby?" and he nodded yes and I said "go see your tess". He was absolutely amazing through it all, and I am so blessed to have him. He is an amazing man, I couldnt be luckier. Well, I will write a much more eloquent and detailed birth story in a day or two. I have been up since 7:30am, and I should go to sleep! OH YEA! Tess is off oxygen completely already, and is only on the cpap for pressure. The neonatal practioner also said she had a sneezing fit at birth, more than she had ever seen. I have seen her sneeze three times already. She began crying, and she gave two good sucks on her paci before falling back to sleep. My first pump I got 5ml, my consecutive two, nothing worth saving, but I am sticking to this. It is my dream to have Tessa latch and feed from me. After all the ups and downs of this pregnancy, I thank the lord he has given me Tessa. He knew exactly what I needed, exactly when I needed it. Tessa Elaine. Mommys little love.

Joined: 06/24/12
Posts: 252

delivered at 34w6d