Ouch. With a title like that, I am sure your rolling your eyes at your computer screen. Maybe your mouth is hanging slighty agape with an 'ugh' escaping your lips? You could even be so disgusted, you couldn't wait to start reading! Just so you could judge me, and in turn make yourself feel just a little bit better. I only guess those reactions, because I have experienced feeling every single one of them, while being a member of PO.
I will start out with a little about myself. My name is Jae. I have a beautiful ten year old little girl named, Emma. She was born early on 10/29/02. She has been a complete blessing to have. I was a teen mother, but thankfully my maternal instinct kicked in the second my doctor told me my water had broken. I have spent the past ten (yes, ten.) focusing solely on my, Emma. I was able to give her all the time, attention and affection she needed. She did not have to share me with a single soul. I was hers, and she was my heart. We all know you can not live without your heart.
When I met Jeremy, he knew that having another child was not an option for me. He made it clear that he would like to have children, but he would be just as happy raising Emma as his own. My reasoning was strongly based on the fact that, My daughter would be going through puberity in the coming few years, and I needed to be there for her, and her only, as I had been and as I had promised it would continue that way. Jeremy is an amazing man. My daughters father is in the military, and though he supports her and visits when he can(E's paternal grandparents are amazing as well, since the day she was born that have done everything in their power to give her the life she deserves, and for that I will be eternally greatful), but it just is not the same as having a male father figure in her life, daily. Jeremy fell in love with E, just as I knew he would. I began thanking the lord for completing my family. Thanking whatever higher power there may be for bringing this honest, hard working, affectionate and well rounded man into our lives. E fell in love, just as quickly. One day in december, shortly have Jeremy proposed; E & I were walking the trash to the dumpster she said "Mom, we are really lucky Jeremy loves us, aren't we mom?" and I looked at her and said "Actually, bug, HE is really lucky that WE love him." In either case, I think both are true.
Jeremy & I had a beautiful wedding, where my daughter, my Emma, gave me away to him. She had no reserves and gave the evil eye to all those in the room when the pastor said "Speak now or forever hold your peace." She was not about to let anyone get in the way of her family becoming complete. Well, as we all at that time thought it was.
Shortly after our wedding day, I began feeling ill. Light headed, vomiting so much the toilet became my only friend. I was bleeding and cramping and I began to think I was getting the flu. We went to the hospital when I became so dehydrated I did not urinate for 36 hours. My mouth was so dry I had to have Jeremy drip drops of water into my mouth, because even swallowing a mouthful...I would vomit.
We got to the hospital, and after 10 hours of sitting there, I was told I was pregnant. I sat stone faced and shocked. "but, I am bleeding." is all I could get out. I was given the explanation of implantation bleeding, blah blah blah. "but this is different. Its bright red! Its clots! I just had my period! We used protection!" I began trying to talk the doctor out of his conclusion. Trying to tell him that this fact, was wrong. Jeremy stood up behind me and began rubbing my shoulders as he began to ask the Dr. questions about how the bleeding, my health, would this pregnancy be viable? As i was trying to deny this beautiful fact of life, this amazing amazing man was figuring out all he could do to ensure this little ones arrival.
We were sent home.
The bleeding continued.
We returned to the ER five days later.
After the blood draws the doctor came in and said "Mrs. So&so, that little number that tells if your pregnant, and how far along you are...." I interupted with "my HCG?" and he gave me back the "And I had to go to med school to learn that!" line. My back tightened up and Jeremy once again jumped up, stood behind me with his right hand kneading into my left shoulder. "Well, Ma'am...your HCG is dropping. I am sorry, Mrs.So&so, but you are having a miscarriage." Jeremys hand went limp, my shoulders relaxed and dropped. He gave us the 'Im so sorry' doctor look and shut the door. What happened after that will forever remain between my husband and I.
We were sent home to allow the 'clots' to pass and were to come back in the next week.
I quickly resigned myself to the fact that this was meant to be. My precious, Emma, was meant to be my only child. My all and everything.
Over the next week my husband cared for me during the bleeding and cramping. He barely let me get out of bed, and played with Emma and made her dinner when I wanted to take my four hour naps. I knew I had married the right man.
When Jeremy and I went back to the hospital, I was praying that I would not have to have a D&C. He was praying that out child was viable.
He would talk to my belly: "I will buy you ANY car you want when you turn 16; if you just keep hanging on to momma"
When we arrived at the hospital, same old same old. Blood tests. Waiting.
They came back in, and this time they wanted an ultrasound.
"It's just to make sure all the clots are out."
Thought, still, Jeremy kept his hopes high.
I found myself getting annoyed at him. "I have already told him, this isn't happening. Just get over it already." I had the occasional twinge in my heart, but I just kept telling myself that it is better this way. After sitting in the basement of the hospital for nearly an hour, the tec came in dressed in normal clothing, telling a coworker how he had just been called in from home.
Called in from home? Hmmm.
He began his ultrasound with the screened turned just ever so slightly out of my view. Jeremy sat next to me and held my hand, as I kept my eyes closed. "Why aren't you looking, Jae?" "Well, I don't think there is anything there to look at."
A quick and short inhale of breath.
I peaked open my eyes.
Not from Jeremy. Not from me, I knew that.
The gentleman continued his scanning, as I laid in silence and Jeremy asked four times if he could see "anything?" and he got the same response "The doctor has to read the scans, and than he will be in to talk to you." everytime.
The things that happened in the few weeks after leaving that hospital, truly do bother me, deep down to my soul. They are things my husband and I experienced together, and those experiences will remain between us for the rest of our lives. To be honest, I did not become "happy" because I was pregnant until about 15weeks and I did not become "thrilled, thankful, ashamed of my previous feelings, walking on air ***I'm haaaaavin a baby, oh yea oh yea.***** and the best part of it ****Emmmmmmmaa Your going to be a big sister!****** happy" until our eighteen week ultrasound. We did rock, paper, scissors to decide if we would find out the sex of baby(how we handle most decision making in our household) and of course, Emma won, and she chose that we would find out.
The next 4 weeks were joyful, though my contractions were becoming worse and worse. I was told the good ol "drink more fluids" line. My husband, Daughter and I were going in for another ultrasound and I could tell the tech was focusing in on something. She than had us wait for the doctor who said to my daughter "Hey, Emma, ever think about going into med school?" she gave the shy eyes but than said "Well, I have considered it."(yes, those were the actual words out of her mouth) the doctor chuckled and than said "Well mom, good thing Emma is considering med school, because you need a doctor, and you need one now, hun. Your in a labor." I was shocked. I was only 23weeks pregnant.
My cervix was completely effaced, finger tip dilated. My contractions were 3min apart and baby was having some severe heart decels during contractions. I got both rounds of betamethsene(sp?) to strengthen Tessa's lung. Procardia around the clock, pottasium, and many more interventions, that at this late time I can not think of.
Well, I have become a professional patient, as I have been here a month, and will be here for the remainder of the pregnancy.
So, I got you up to date as quickly as I could. When I post tomorrow, it will then truly become my pregnancy journal, because everything up until tomorrows post has been catch up.
27weeks1day today! Yay! Thank heavens!! We are very close to thirty four weeks which is the time frame we are shooting for to keep you in my belly! We are even closer to thirty weeks which is a great milestone for your survival! At this point, baby girl, Every single day matters!!
I began to feel your big sister move at around twenty seven weeks and the most amazing thing happened last night!! Daddy and I went to a labor basics course! The hospital allowed him to bring me down in a wheelchair to attend the course, which was wonderful! Well, during the class you started kicking up a storm! More intense and the strongest kicks I have felt thus far!! Just like your big sister, Emma. Both of you at twenty seven weeks to the day, made sure to let momma know, WE ARE HERE! WE ARE STRONG so&so Girls! I am very proud of you!
Daddy and I have had some serious talks, and we have decided to try to have an unmedicated birth. If the need for pain medication arises, we will not being going the epidural route, as I would like to be able to change positions to labor and use gravity to our advantage. Daddy also wants to be able to help me labor and comfort me, which will be less likely/needed with an epidural. I have decided to give birth nude, and truly experiance the birth process. It is very hard for me to remember your sisters birth, and though giving birth to Emma was an amazing moment in my life, there are some things I would like to try differently when it comes to birthing you, Miss Tessa.
I go to maternal fetal medicine on Tuesday to check my cervix and your growth. I could possibly go home because I will be 27w1day, almost 28w, but the doctor said don't expect it. I am still contracting my little roo, but your heart rate is beautiful during them. AFter being on bedrest for a month, just sitting up in a normal chair at the class yesterday became SO uncomfortable. The little walking I did do, wore me out and I slept from about 11pm til 4:40 this morning. Thats good for me!
Also, we had your hand knit hats, booties and gloves come in! They are MUCH better quality than I could have ever expected, and I can't wait to put them on you!
Oh Tessa Elaine so&so, I truly can not wait(for lack of a better term, because I can wait, and will wait until your nice and healthy and ready to come meet your family! SO keep growing baby grow!) to meet you. I can not wait to hold you. I want to look into your eyes as your nurse from my breast. I want to smell your baby breath! Before you nurse, as soon as you are born, I want to smell the breathes you take. Complete pure oxygen coming from your lungs. Beware, your big sister is ten and I still tell her "give momma a smell" every morning. Something about smelling my childrens breath, hmmmm. I thrive on it. It just shows me how alive we truly are. I am so excited for your arrival, Tess. I truly never thought I would have another baby, and though I was scared in the beginning, I am so so ready to open up my heart and love you the way I love your sister. I will love you with reckless abandon. I will love you unconditional. My every breath will be for your sister and you. You are my lungs, and you know you can't live without your lungs. I feel an odd mixture of guilt and joy, as a type the previous sentence. I have always said to Emma, "You are my heart, and you know you can not live without your heart." I am still trying to reconcile my ability to love both my girls, equally. Every little kick in my womb makes my heart flutter with pure joy. Every smirk your big sister gives me makes my heart explode with pure joy and love. I am positive that the moment I lay eyes on you, I will fall just as deeply in love with you, as I am with your big sister.
Just like at your 18week ultrasound, as soon as I saw your face, your spine, your little feet; I began to shake with joy. I was amazed at the love I felt for you, already. Just staring at a monitor.
Tessa Elaine, you are MY daughter. My joy, my happiness, my reason for being, my ability to breathe. MY LUNGS
Just as your sister is my heart, You are my lungs. Everyone knows you can not live with your heart, and you can not live without your lungs. Both organs help make up our bodies, and BOTHof my beautiful girls make up my being.My ability to live. My reason for being.
Last edited by Momma2Girls; 07-26-2012 at 08:40 AM.
::wagging my finger:: Ms.Tessa, Ms.Tessa, Ms.Tessa, you were causing a little bit of trouble today baby! We had a three minute heart decel and that scares the beejuz out of your momma and all the nurses! They had to come in and move me on to my sides, than little girl, your heart dropped even looooower. Dr.B has said you are a backwards baby! You like it best, and show it, when I am on my back. So, then they had to put me on fluids; after she blew one vein, we went to the other, that began to infiltrate, so we had to go into the middle of my arm. Ouchie place to have an active IV for the next four days! It went back up, and has so far, stayed up, so you be a good good girl Tessa and get some rest now, while momma gets hers as well!
My contractions have definitely been slowing down in intensity and timing. We go to see maternal fetal medicine today to find out about my cervix (has it thickened back up? I am dilating more) and your growth. I am going to ask the tech if she can switch over to a 4d ultrasound for just a second today! I would be thrilled, thrilled, thrilled to get to see you so close! I am SOOOOO EXCITED to see you today, Tessa! I beg of you to please be active for momma and daddy and give us some real good shots of you, ok? No curling up like a little kangaroo and staying there! Do some gymnastics for your momma, while there is still room!
I was talking to your big sister, Emma on Skype last night. (She is in Ohio visiting her paternal nana & pop) She wants to start a video diary before you come, and then make a video daily of advice she has for you, silly things you did that day, etc. etc. I think she is starting to become very excited for your arrival!! I hope you take it a little easy on her at first, because you have to remember she has been an only momma’s girl for ten years. I cannot wait to take that first photo of you with your big sister!
Also, your pop-pop (my dad) came and visited us at the hospital and bought your Crib/Dresser/Changing table. We split the cost, so it is his gift to you. You’re so spoiled already! I really love the furniture we got for your new room! You and your sister switched rooms (boy, its starting already, lol) to give her the larger one since she is the older sister (Get used to it, Roo! lol). We completely remodeled your sister’s room and bought her all new furniture (including a loft bed, which I am so worried you will try to climb up when you hit the 'terrible twos') and we are completely remodeling your room, as well. Down to the paint, rugs, and brand new furniture/bedding/window treatments, etc. We had to make your nursery, and we figured to go ahead and do your big sisters room as well, since she is getting older and needed to move up from the Hannah Montana room. We also didn't want her to feel left out. This also reminds me, I have to start looking into a gift to get Emma, for you to give to her on the day you’re born. Anyway, Tess, the house is coming along slow and steady with Daddy & Grandmom doing all of the work, while I just sit back on my hospital bed and pick out furniture/color palettes on line.
I truly hope everything will be ready for you when you get home Daddy can be lazy sometimes (that you will learn) but I know he is busting his butt to get this done for you.
I am SOOOOOOOOOOO EXCITED to go to maternal/fetal medicine and see you today!!! There is also a 1 in a bazillion chance that if my cervix hasn’t changed, I could go home. I am not getting my hopes up, but there is still that dim chance I could possibly go home. –Keep my fingers crossed- but, I will do anything I need to do to keep you where you belong, in utero.
Well, I will update this evening after I get back from maternal fetal medicine, wish momma luck!!