Ouch. With a title like that, I am sure your rolling your eyes at your computer screen. Maybe your mouth is hanging slighty agape with an 'ugh' escaping your lips? You could even be so disgusted, you couldn't wait to start reading! Just so you could judge me, and in turn make yourself feel just a little bit better. I only guess those reactions, because I have experienced feeling every single one of them, while being a member of PO.
I will start out with a little about myself. My name is Jae. I have a beautiful ten year old little girl named, Emma. She was born early on 10/29/02. She has been a complete blessing to have. I was a teen mother, but thankfully my maternal instinct kicked in the second my doctor told me my water had broken. I have spent the past ten (yes, ten.) focusing solely on my, Emma. I was able to give her all the time, attention and affection she needed. She did not have to share me with a single soul. I was hers, and she was my heart. We all know you can not live without your heart.
When I met Jeremy, he knew that having another child was not an option for me. He made it clear that he would like to have children, but he would be just as happy raising Emma as his own. My reasoning was strongly based on the fact that, My daughter would be going through puberity in the coming few years, and I needed to be there for her, and her only, as I had been and as I had promised it would continue that way. Jeremy is an amazing man. My daughters father is in the military, and though he supports her and visits when he can(E's paternal grandparents are amazing as well, since the day she was born that have done everything in their power to give her the life she deserves, and for that I will be eternally greatful), but it just is not the same as having a male father figure in her life, daily. Jeremy fell in love with E, just as I knew he would. I began thanking the lord for completing my family. Thanking whatever higher power there may be for bringing this honest, hard working, affectionate and well rounded man into our lives. E fell in love, just as quickly. One day in december, shortly have Jeremy proposed; E & I were walking the trash to the dumpster she said "Mom, we are really lucky Jeremy loves us, aren't we mom?" and I looked at her and said "Actually, bug, HE is really lucky that WE love him." In either case, I think both are true.
Jeremy & I had a beautiful wedding, where my daughter, my Emma, gave me away to him. She had no reserves and gave the evil eye to all those in the room when the pastor said "Speak now or forever hold your peace." She was not about to let anyone get in the way of her family becoming complete. Well, as we all at that time thought it was.
Shortly after our wedding day, I began feeling ill. Light headed, vomiting so much the toilet became my only friend. I was bleeding and cramping and I began to think I was getting the flu. We went to the hospital when I became so dehydrated I did not urinate for 36 hours. My mouth was so dry I had to have Jeremy drip drops of water into my mouth, because even swallowing a mouthful...I would vomit.
We got to the hospital, and after 10 hours of sitting there, I was told I was pregnant. I sat stone faced and shocked. "but, I am bleeding." is all I could get out. I was given the explanation of implantation bleeding, blah blah blah. "but this is different. Its bright red! Its clots! I just had my period! We used protection!" I began trying to talk the doctor out of his conclusion. Trying to tell him that this fact, was wrong. Jeremy stood up behind me and began rubbing my shoulders as he began to ask the Dr. questions about how the bleeding, my health, would this pregnancy be viable? As i was trying to deny this beautiful fact of life, this amazing amazing man was figuring out all he could do to ensure this little ones arrival.
We were sent home.
The bleeding continued.
We returned to the ER five days later.
After the blood draws the doctor came in and said "Mrs. So&so, that little number that tells if your pregnant, and how far along you are...." I interupted with "my HCG?" and he gave me back the "And I had to go to med school to learn that!" line. My back tightened up and Jeremy once again jumped up, stood behind me with his right hand kneading into my left shoulder. "Well, Ma'am...your HCG is dropping. I am sorry, Mrs.So&so, but you are having a miscarriage." Jeremys hand went limp, my shoulders relaxed and dropped. He gave us the 'Im so sorry' doctor look and shut the door. What happened after that will forever remain between my husband and I.
We were sent home to allow the 'clots' to pass and were to come back in the next week.
I quickly resigned myself to the fact that this was meant to be. My precious, Emma, was meant to be my only child. My all and everything.
Over the next week my husband cared for me during the bleeding and cramping. He barely let me get out of bed, and played with Emma and made her dinner when I wanted to take my four hour naps. I knew I had married the right man.