Wow! Is all I can say... I can't believe I'm actually posting here!
I've been having dreams for months that I will give birth to a baby on or within two days of my 25th birthday and here I am today - having just found out at 10DPO that I am indeed pregnant and due on either the 17th or the 18th (my birthday!) of August 2007!
I can't help but feel this is something of a little miracle... I just kind of feel like this was meant to be... I know I should be worried about another miscarriage or things going wrong but I just can't be! I was thinking about it today and thinking the odds (based on my history) of me carrying this baby to term are slim, but I still feel like this is it - there's nothing to worry about at all.
I'm actually kind of shocked. I "knew" I would get pregnant this month.... But I didn't expect it!!! Here's the post I made this morning when I first found out...
We're both so excited! I don't know why but we're more excited this time then I can remember being with the others. Well that sounds bad but it's not really - we WERE excited with all the others, but I can't remember being as excited as I feel now (I probably was though!)....OMG! OMG! OMG! OMG! OMG!
I was going to post yesterday that I was 9DPO and had taken a test but got a BFN... Not that I was worried about it or stressed out as I didn't expect to see a BFP because I just DON'T feel pregnant.
I didn't get the time to post in the end, BUT I got up this morning to do a test at 10DPO and OMG! There's a faint line!
OMG! OMG! OMG! OMG!
I ran out the bathroom to see it under a brighter light and Martin was just coming up the stairs, he took one glance at it and started jumping up and down too!!! Even better he said that last night he had a dream for the first time that we were having a little girl, so he nearly fainted when he saw a line on the HPT!!!!
OMG.... I'm kind of shocked and worried. I've never had a BFP this early before, but I normally have early pregnancy symptoms and this time I don't.... So I'm going to test again tomorrow and see a darker line I just know it and then I guess I'll truely believe it!
Baby - if you're in there.... Grow, grow, grow!!!!
Also a little scared. I'm going to be 25 with 5 children aged 6 and under! Eep! What am I letting myself in for?!
Some things we've been talking about today include names... We've already decided on the names we'd like, but we aren't telling anyone in fear it will jinx things (not sure what things but normally I feel like everything is going wrong with my pregnancies so not taking any risks...) We also don't want to discuss names with other people because we don't want to focus too much on the gender of this baby... I've been so disappointed in my last three pregnancies when we found out we were having boys that I didn't enjoy them as I should have done... So this time we have decided not to find out. And even if we do we're not going to tell anyone when we are doing it, or what the baby's gender is as it always brings about unwelcome comments.
We've decided on a home water birth again. Martin would like it to be just us this time... I'm happy with that although I think it'll feel odd without my Mum there...
This week we're going to buy a load of products to try and ease the symptoms of SPD and relieve the pain. We never bothered in any of my last pregnancies, when there could have been stuff we could have done that would have made it not so bad... Well I hate being in pain as much as the next person so this time around I'm not going to be stupid and just put up with it, I'm going to try and avoid it altogether!
We haven't told the boys yet... We know they'll be excited when we do though, so I'll probably tell them in the next couple of days!
We're not telling anyone else until around Christmas though... Everyone that we want to know, will know this week - everyone else can wait!
So that's about where we are for now... Am anxiousely awaiting another test tomorrow and hoping to see a darker line... But to be honest, I couldn't believe it this morning as I didn't think I'd had any symptoms but during the day I've come to realise I have been having quite obvious symptoms and just dismissing them... For instance when I woke up this morning I felt like I had a hangover even though I hadn't had a drop to drink. Then none of my clothes feel like they fit anymore because I've been so bloated. My face has broken out like a teenagers and my moods and energy levels have been all over the place as I've been feeling really tired. I've also felt sick the last few days but put it down to hunger and stress and my boobs hurt like hell and look like they've grown by about two sizes...
Anyway, I hope to be writing here about this journey for the next few months!
And to my precious baby, I hope you're doing well and growing stronger by the day! I can't wait to get past 6 weeks when I know you'll probably be safer!
3 weeks and 4 days!
Well officially I am still only 12DPO... You normally don't even test until 14DPO but for the last three days running I've had very obvious positive pregnancy tests...
I'm basically going to keep testing until I run out... It makes me happier knowing I'm still getting BFPs everyday especially as I tend to miscarry around the 5-6 week mark. So very worried about that... I'm hoping we can book in for a private scan around 7 weeks just so I know everything is going well and baby is still alive. Don't want to do it through the NHS as otherwise they won't bother to do a scan at 12 weeks, so we'd have to pay more to get that one done.
Haven't phoned my GP yet. Don't really know what I'm going to say seeing as so far as they're aware I'm still on those crappy mini pills. I'll probably tell them when I'm around 10 weeks gone, or if there's a problem before then (God Forbid)...
I still feel really positive about this pregnancy. This IS going to work out, I am going to end up with a healthy baby boy or girl at the end of this...
We told the boys today, they were excited! They didn't believe us at first but when we finally convinced them we were telling the truth they were excited. Of course, then came the questions from Tristan "Can I have a baby sister this time?", at which point Raistlin started jumping in his seat chanting "siter, siter, siter!", Jaeven got all snotty and said "I don't want a baby sister, I want a boy baby"... Urgh! It's so tempting not to find out this time.... Tristan was so disappointed last time when we told him Ashton was a boy that I can't bare to not only face my own disappointment, and see Martin feeling like he's failed us again, but to also see Tristan so bothered by it is heartbreaking.
I just told them all we'd love this baby whether it's a baby boy or a baby girl.
Martin's feeling is girl... I want to say mine is too, but I've said it before and ended up so hurt and disappointed, I don't ever want to feel that again. For now, until I am proved wrong, I am saying this is a boy.
Either way we've got our names sorted, so that's no problem!
I can't wait to be a bit further along now... I mean, I can and I can't. Time seems to be slipping by so quickly at the moment anyway, so I know it won't be long now.... And I really want to enjoy all this and so far I'm managing it. Hopefully tomorrow we will be going to buy some stuff to ease the onset of SPD for me so that's good.
I'm feeling kind of fat right now. I never really noticed a difference before but none of my clothes seem to fit anymore.... And not only that but my boobs are killing me.... They're so big right now it's so uncomfortable. I always wish for bigger, fuller boobs but not painful ones!!!! :P
Anyway, I better be off for now!
To my precious baby (God I hope it's not a bad omen seeing as I just typed "previous"), I hope you are growing stronger by the day... I have been thinking about you a lot, and so has Daddy and we can't wait to meet you in August. You're treating me well right now and not making me feel too bad, which is lovely, and we're all so excited to have you in our lives. And for all the things I've said in the past, I love you now more then I could have imagined I ever would - whether you are a boy or a girl!
3 weeks and 5 days...
Although to be honest I think my ticker is slow and I'm actually 3 weeks and 6 days!
At any rate I'll find out soon enough as we're going to have a private scan done just before/after Christmas just to check everything actually is OK. I'm still finding it kind of hard to believe I'm actually pregnant. I do kind of feel pregnant but it's so different to what I'm used too... I don't actually feel very sick unless I don't eat or I stand up for too long but my boobs feel like they've exploded and my stomach seems to have doubled in size over night. I know the bloating will go down (at least I hope so!) but I'm already wearing my maternity jeans and shirt because everything else is just too tight. I remember with all the boys I used to think people were just making a fuss as I never needed maternity clothes until quite late in my pregnancies, but wow do I feel the bloody idiot now!!!
Nothing really to report... I seem to have come down with ANOTHER cold - I'm so fed up with having colds. The weather is odd at the moment here in England... There was even a tornado in London today!!! 100MPH winds and torrential rain... We had an extremely early and very hot summer, then a very light autumn... The weather here is definately changing and rapidly. Very scary.
I keep thinking about all the things I want to do for this baby/pregnancy. Today I bought a relaxation CD and book of inspirational thoughts on pregnancy which was nice, except noone will let me relax for even ten minutes. I can feel my moods changing at the moment. Martin is becoming a selfish, self important bar-steward and the kids are little brats. I know they aren't really but I can't seem to help being constantly annoyed at them. Thankfully I know in a few weeks time they'll once again be the loves of my life, so I guess they'll have to put up with my moodiness at the moment.
Urgh. I've asked Martin three times now for something to eat and he's still not even started dinner. If he doesn't get a wriggle on I'm going to start stamping my foot and insisting he gets me a chinese instead.
To my precious little baby, sorry I worked you as hard as I have the last few days... I've tried to spend today relaxing but it just doesn't seem to be working. Tomorrow I am going shopping with Granny so hopefully tomorrow will be a better day!
4weeks and 1day
Not much to report really. We're all sick here at the moment. Not pleasant and I was supposed to work at another exhibition yesterday but we couldn't leave the kids. We've got another one today but I really don't feel up to it. Problem is we really need the money as we've still got a ton of stuff we need to get for people for Christmas.
So yeah, feeling stressed out right now. Not helped by my paranoid feelings about miscarriage. I KNOW I'm not going to miscarry this baby. It just won't happen because this baby is destined to be here.... But I can't help running to the toilet every two minutes to check I'm not bleeding. I think I'll be happier once I reach around 7-8 weeks and have had a scan (assuming we can afford a private one - at this rate it's not looking that way).....
I still don't feel like I did in my last pregnancies. I don't really have any symptoms at the moment - I feel OK apart from the fact I'm not feeling very well thanks to my poison dwarves... Of course, that could be masking my symptoms cos I feel crappy through the illness but I don't think so.... I just feel different from how I did in my last pregnancies, don't know why.
I keep wanting to clean the house and do the nursery. We're probably going to sacrifice Martins office and move it into our bedroom so the baby can have the small room next to ours.
I can't decide when to call my Drs and let the local midwife know I'm pregnant. They won't do anything or even want to see me until I'm closer to 10weeks so there doesn't seem a lot of point calling yet. Although I suppose there's a chance they might (HA!) want to keep an eye on me because of my recurrent miscarriages so maybe I should call them soon.
I don't know. This is odd. Like being pregnant for the first time - I want to do everything right and I'm not sure where to begin! LOL
To my precious baby, you'll be doing so much growing right now and you'll look so different from last week. I can't believe it's been almost a week since we discovered you were really coming. I've done so many extra tests just because I couldn't believe my own eyes and feelings. It's like a dream come true and you're a little bit of Heaven being sent to us to learn from and care for. We all love you very much already and are so happy you've come to join us!
4 weeks and 2 days,
I'm not in a good mood today. Crappy GP visit with Raisti, feeling ill, surrounded by moody whinging sick kids and an annoying DH is NOT my idea of a good time.
That and my bloody MIL just confirmed she's coming with her new peice of meat for Christmas Eve after all.
I am so desperate to know what the gender of this baby is now! Martin did the weekends exhibition without me in the end as I just didn't feel well enough, and apparently he had his palm read... She said she was picking up a boy and a girl but it was confusing because there seemed to be a lot of children... She came to the conclusion that Martin had a few boys and either had a very young girl or was about to have a girl in the very near future. Freaky as Martin and I never give any clues away to readers. Mainly because it's so easy to cold read and it's made almost impossible to cold read if you just don't say anything at all, so we tend to sit silently until they've finished before giving anything away. So he's quite fired up for a girl now I think.
Tristan and JJ are also saying girl...
I FEEL like this could be a girl, but I really don't want to say or admit it because I'll be so upset and disappointed when we find out it's another boy. Hence the reason we're finding out in secret and not telling anyone at all (not even the kids) the gender. I just can't cope with the well meaning but very hurtful comments and "sympathy" people offer anymore.
I've already decided that if this is a girl I'm going to decorate her nursery with unicorns and fairies. It's actually weird as I recently bought a figurine of a fairy riding a unicorn. I don't know why I bought it, it caught my eye months ago and then we went to an exhibition and were talking to a stall holder who pointed it out and said it was the last one he had and the company who make them aren't making anymore. So he did us a deal although I didn't want to buy it at the time because I knew I'd be upset if our next baby was a boy and I didn't get to display it on a shelf.
Ho-hum... We'll see.
I can't decide about things like my homebirth either. Martin wants it to be just us, I'd like my Mum there, but Martin feels like last time he was left to do all the running around making tea's, filling the pool, grabbing towels etc and so didn't get to share the whole experience. I think he was quite upset by it actually as he'd been under the impression that other people would do all that and let him just stay with me after he'd filled the pool. Now he says he doesn't want anyone there at all so he can actually be around and involved other then making tea's and coffee's for everyone else. I say my Mum should be there and she could make her own tea if he's that bothered by it, but at least we'll have someone there to take photo's when the baby is born.
Urgh... So much to decide, so little time! And I'm enjoying it so much this time... Even though the morning sickness is now beginning to set in... Blah!
4weeks and 3 days
I am feeling rather obsessed with gender today. Don't really know why. I just want to know everything and do everything now! I want to decide what we're going to kit the nursery out with, what clothes to buy (impossible seeing as baby will be born in Summer and it's currently Winter!), what names we're using, whether it's a boy or a girl (God please let it be a girl!)... I want to know and DO everything now!
I am so tempted to pay for one of those Acu-Gen tests. They're at least $275.00 and I KNOW they aren't accurate and it's a con but the temptation is still there - it's got a 50% chance of being right surely!!! :P LOL
All the gender prediction charts say Girl, but then the others (ones not based on Chinese Chart) say Boy. My heart says Girl, my head says Boy. I think I am going to try and get an early scan at the hospital and forego my 12week scan. If I have one done early then they won't do one at 12 weeks as the one they do at 12weeks is just for dating. So I'll pay for a NT scan at 13weeks instead and hopefully because it's private they might even tell us the gender! Actually chances are baby will be ackward and they won't be able to tell anyway, but I know that at 13weeks you can see a penis if it's present. I don't know... I just want to know soon, it's driving me crazy! :P Still not telling anyone though when we do find out.
And then a part of me doesn't want to know. I'm actually enjoying being pregnant this time and I know if it turns out to be another boy I will stop enjoying myself so much. I did in the last few pregnancies at any rate. This time it won't be because I'm disappointed as such, more because it'll mean I'll have to put my body through another pregnancy and I'd really like this to be the last one... But I can't stop until I finally get a girl. It's like I've got a mental block on the possibility that I may have to accept I will never have a girl... I can't even think of it.
Annnnyyyyywayyy.... I feel really sick today. I'm not ill though, or not too badly, so it must be jellybean forcing me to feel bad!
And I'm hungry... It's 1:30pm and I've not had anything to eat today. Blah!
I started an Expect Net game yesterday! So far 7 people have guessed at my baby!
And here is what Madame Zaritska has to say on the matter!
9 hours??!!!! That'll be my longest labour yet! And 10lbs 14oz?!!! What am I supposed to be giving birth too? An elephant?!The day you deliver, outside will be windy. Your baby will arrive in the morning.
After a labor lasting approximately 9 hours, your child, a girl, will be born. Your baby will weigh about 10 pounds, 14 ounces, and will be 18 inches long. This child will have blue eyes and be completely bald.
But there is more. I get the impression that there is something in your life that is not yet settled. Something about... something about a name? Ah -- a baby name. Why don't you look here for help with finding the perfect name for your precious child.
As for the name bit, well that's wrong. We've already picked out our names and have no issues there for either a boy or a girl!
Only time will tell I suppose! :P
To my precious baby, I took my last pregnancy test today. I now really believe I am pregnant - not because of the pregnancy test, but because you're wreaking havoc on my body and I feel really sick and tired and moody!!! Your big brothers are so excited about you now, they keep talking about you and asking when you'll be coming and whether you'll be a little brother or a little sister for them to look after! We're so sure you'll be a nice healthy baby we've even included you in the majority of our Christmas cards this year, so make sure you keep on growing as I know a lot of people will be very excited to meet you next August!
4weeks and 4days
I can't stay away from this journal - even though I have nothing to say yet! I mean, there's only so much you can say in early pregnancy right?!
"feel sick and tired, boobs hurt, stomach cramps, worried about MC!"
"feel sick and tired, boobs hurt, stomach cramps, worried about MC!"
"feel sick and tired, boobs hurt, stomach cramps, worried about MC!"
Ah well, it makes me feel better to write about it.
Today my stomach hurts, I feel sick, tired and very moody. The kids are sadly driving me nuts. Tristan has the beginnings of an ear infection so he's got antibiotics. Raistlin is on antibiotics for his persistant coughing (?!) not that you'd know it seeing as he just spits it back up. Jaeven is moody because I wouldn't write his Christmas cards out tonight cos I don't feel well. Ashton is whingy because he's bunged up with cold and Martin is a pain in the arse because he's got tons of work on.
I am desperately craving white wine right now. And chinese food. I always crave chinese food though so I'm not surprised by that one!
I'm also constantly hungry and yet I'm eating less then normal... Really should keep my food intake up otherwise I'll slip back to my old ways of eating only a peice of toast every couple of days if I'm not careful.
I want to do everything right this time around. I never have before. Or not so far as I'm concerned. I've got a full list of stuff we need to buy for the baby... I've already decided the routine. We've never done routines before with the kids, but this time I might. I'm hoping I can break the whole baby sleeping in our room thing I've had going on... I FULLY intend to breastfeed again. I'm hoping to stick it out a year next time, but I'll be happy with 6 months. I was so disappointed I failed so miserably last time. I hate breastfeeding... Well, no I love breastfeeding - I just hate seeing people doing it in public. I was fully put off when I was younger down the city centre when I saw a woman just flop a boob out and attach a child who looked about two years old standing up to it... That alone put me off breastfeeding my first three children. I don't know what made me so insistant to breastfeed Ashton... I just loved it. I hated breastfeeding when I tried it with Tristan but with Ashton it was different. The pain, the illnesses, the fact I was awake all the time - none of that mattered I loved it so much.
I was so miserable when my supply dried up. I blame Martin if I'm honest. I don't feel like he cared for me properly after my last homebirth. My only real memory of my postbirth 24hours is of crawling up the stairs to the bathroom to get a bath cos he conveniently wouldn't wake up... Then getting stuck in the bath, unable to get out, sitting in freezing cold, bloody water shouting until my throat was hoarse and I passed out for help and still he never came.
Then when I got ill from the infection in my womb, I could barely move I was in pain, feverish and completely out of it (still breastfeeding though I'm pleased to say!), he rarely bought me anything to drink or eat... So I ended up starving and dehydrating... Eventually I got so exhausted from lack of food and drink I got even more sick around 2 1/2 months and ended up begging Martin to give Ashton a bottle because I was too weak to hold him.... Just for one feed. That one feed was enough to dry up my supply. I was never able to feed him after that.
Of course, I don't blame Martin as such. He was trying to keep a business afloat, whilst caring for four young children and me. It must have been hard, but it does make me nervous about trusting him to care for me properly after another homebirth.
I was determined last time to get to 3 months feeding and never made it, so come hell or high water I will make it to 6 months next time.
Anyway... There's so much I want to do next time. Routine bathtimes, nighttimes, feeding schedules, play time, nap time... I know it never really works out like that but I hope I can work better and more organised then I did for the boys.
To my precious baby, I hope you're growing well in there. You'll be known as am embryo soon and I can't believe I'm almost 5 weeks. I keep meaning to call my GP and tell them about you and ask for a reassurance scan, but I keep forgetting. My brain has turned to mush these days and I can barely remember my name let alone anything else! I've got big plans for your nursery. We haven't had a nursery for any of the boys since Tristan so I'm quite excited to be doing a room especially for you! I hope you like it!!! I can't wait to see you for the first time... I'm so anxious to know you're OK. I try to pretend like I'm not worried, it doesn't scare me... I've lost six babies, God can't be cruel enough to take you away from me too.... But it follows me every minute of the day and I can't help worrying about your health.
Please stay strong for us my precious little baby!
4 weeks and 5 days
I threw up for the first time this morning... I threw up once or twice when Pregnant with Tristan, and once with Jaeven I think but that was it. I hope this isn't the start of a long and involved relationship with the toilet bowl!!! :P
Oh, and Martin has agreed to take me to the Baby Show at ExCel in March! We're going to go on the Friday in the hope it's not AS crowded as a weekend day would be. I'll be 17weeks by then so we'll probably know what the baby is so I fully intend to shop, shop, shop!!!!
I can't believe I'm almost 5 weeks... I hope I make it that far. I normally miscarry around 5-6 weeks, so here's hoping.
Actually I'm really paranoid about it now. I was going to call my GP today but just didn't get the chance. I'll call them tomorrow, although my experience of GPs and Midwives is that they're generally not very sympathetic to these things, so I'm not holding my breath for an early scan.
That said Martin has agreed to take me for one around 6-7 weeks either way as I'm really stressing myself out now. I could always lie and say I've had spotting like some other unmentionable people do to get an early scan, but I just couldn't. It'd be tempting fate too much for my liking.
I can't rest until I know that my precious baby is alive and well. I don't know why but I'm really paranoid about the fact it might not be. Obviousely I've got no sign of miscarriage so far but then with the blighted ovum there was no signs either... My body was lying to itself that it was pregnant, when there was no baby to speak of there, just the empty sac... I don't know if I could go through that again. Believing everything was OK cos I'd got out the "danger" zone when it wasn't....
I need some reassurance everything is OK. And I need it ASAP as it's affecting everything for me... I'm even beginning to have nightmares about it now.
Bah. I think I'm going to be sick again.....
Woohoo!!! I'm 5 weeks today!!!
My precious baby is probably about 4-6mm big and my baby's heart has begun pumping and circulating blood... On a great but rather worrying note my precious baby's vical chords are also forming! LOL I'm sure we'll get to hear him/her testing them out soon enough!
I've got exactly 35 weeks (or 245 days) left to go!!!
On a seperate, not so good note, I'm not getting much help at home. Martin promised me that next time I got pregnant he would support me better then he did last time. So far that's not happened. I think he secretly is trying to push my stress levels up so I do end up miscarrying. He doesn't seem to be in the slightest bit concerned about either the baby or my own health. But then he's virtually ignoring the other kids too and just is such a moody teenager right now I wonder why I ever bothered marrying him.
Should have dumped his arse when I had the chance really.
He told me he was going to sort out a private reassurance scan for me today. I found a place that would do it for £50, and what did he do?! He called BabyBond - who don't even offer the early reassurance scan and now says we have to wait until Monday before we hear if they'll do it... And even if they will they aren't open over the Xmas time, so I'd have to wait until Jan when I'd be almost 8 weeks anyway.
Wish I'd never even bothered talking to him about it now. I'll sort myself out from now on.
Oh, and if he thinks I'd trust him to look after me during a homebirth the way he's carrying on he's got another thing coming! He's already slipped back to his old selfish ways. I'm going to the ****ing hospital.
Anyway. I've had enough for today. I'm going to go to bed - I just can't be bothered making an effort anymore, seeing as the way he's pushing me I probably won't even be pregnant anymore by this time next week.
5 weeks and 2 days;
Urgh... I've just thrown up all over the cloakroom. And I think I'm going to throw up again in a minute, I can already feel it at the back of my throat. Blah!
Tomorrow I am booking my appointment for an early ultrasound. I asked Martin to do it at the end of last week (Friday) and he waited until Saturday when most places are closed and told me he'd get a date and time today. He's not done it so I'm going to instead.
I suddenly don't feel so bothered by the gender of this baby either. I had a wobble a few days ago but I really don't mind if this baby is another boy. My boys are so gorgeous how could I not want more of them?!!! Ashton is singing to me at this very moment, as I'm typing! It's so cute!
We had such a great day today. Went to JJs first nativity plan at school today. I ended up crying through it! Then when we picked the boys up from school we went to the pub and had a meal with dessert before coming home, rearranging the furniture and putting on a DVD (Over the Hedge) and all snuggled up on the sofa to watch it together! Soooo much fun!
Anyway, I'd better go! I'm watching the last in the series of A Child Against All Odds!
To my precious baby, I hope you're growing strong and healthy and looking forward to meeting us all as much as we're looking forward to meeting you in August!