4 Prince's & a Princess! (Finally!)

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Sarah-Jean's picture
Joined: 10/25/01
Posts: 1335
4 Prince's & a Princess! (Finally!)

Wow! Is all I can say... I can't believe I'm actually posting here!

I've been having dreams for months that I will give birth to a baby on or within two days of my 25th birthday and here I am today - having just found out at 10DPO that I am indeed pregnant and due on either the 17th or the 18th (my birthday!) of August 2007!

I can't help but feel this is something of a little miracle... I just kind of feel like this was meant to be... I know I should be worried about another miscarriage or things going wrong but I just can't be! I was thinking about it today and thinking the odds (based on my history) of me carrying this baby to term are slim, but I still feel like this is it - there's nothing to worry about at all.

I'm actually kind of shocked. I "knew" I would get pregnant this month.... But I didn't expect it!!! Here's the post I made this morning when I first found out...


I was going to post yesterday that I was 9DPO and had taken a test but got a BFN... Not that I was worried about it or stressed out as I didn't expect to see a BFP because I just DON'T feel pregnant.

I didn't get the time to post in the end, BUT I got up this morning to do a test at 10DPO and OMG! There's a faint line!


I ran out the bathroom to see it under a brighter light and Martin was just coming up the stairs, he took one glance at it and started jumping up and down too!!! Even better he said that last night he had a dream for the first time that we were having a little girl, so he nearly fainted when he saw a line on the HPT!!!!

OMG.... I'm kind of shocked and worried. I've never had a BFP this early before, but I normally have early pregnancy symptoms and this time I don't.... So I'm going to test again tomorrow and see a darker line I just know it and then I guess I'll truely believe it!

Baby - if you're in there.... Grow, grow, grow!!!!

We're both so excited! I don't know why but we're more excited this time then I can remember being with the others. Well that sounds bad but it's not really - we WERE excited with all the others, but I can't remember being as excited as I feel now (I probably was though!)....

Also a little scared. I'm going to be 25 with 5 children aged 6 and under! Eep! What am I letting myself in for?!

Some things we've been talking about today include names... We've already decided on the names we'd like, but we aren't telling anyone in fear it will jinx things (not sure what things but normally I feel like everything is going wrong with my pregnancies so not taking any risks...) We also don't want to discuss names with other people because we don't want to focus too much on the gender of this baby... I've been so disappointed in my last three pregnancies when we found out we were having boys that I didn't enjoy them as I should have done... So this time we have decided not to find out. And even if we do we're not going to tell anyone when we are doing it, or what the baby's gender is as it always brings about unwelcome comments.

We've decided on a home water birth again. Martin would like it to be just us this time... I'm happy with that although I think it'll feel odd without my Mum there... Sad

This week we're going to buy a load of products to try and ease the symptoms of SPD and relieve the pain. We never bothered in any of my last pregnancies, when there could have been stuff we could have done that would have made it not so bad... Well I hate being in pain as much as the next person so this time around I'm not going to be stupid and just put up with it, I'm going to try and avoid it altogether!

We haven't told the boys yet... We know they'll be excited when we do though, so I'll probably tell them in the next couple of days!

We're not telling anyone else until around Christmas though... Everyone that we want to know, will know this week - everyone else can wait!

So that's about where we are for now... Am anxiousely awaiting another test tomorrow and hoping to see a darker line... But to be honest, I couldn't believe it this morning as I didn't think I'd had any symptoms but during the day I've come to realise I have been having quite obvious symptoms and just dismissing them... For instance when I woke up this morning I felt like I had a hangover even though I hadn't had a drop to drink. Then none of my clothes feel like they fit anymore because I've been so bloated. My face has broken out like a teenagers and my moods and energy levels have been all over the place as I've been feeling really tired. I've also felt sick the last few days but put it down to hunger and stress and my boobs hurt like hell and look like they've grown by about two sizes...

Anyway, I hope to be writing here about this journey for the next few months!

And to my precious baby, I hope you're doing well and growing stronger by the day! I can't wait to get past 6 weeks when I know you'll probably be safer!

Sarah-Jean's picture
Joined: 10/25/01
Posts: 1335

3 weeks and 4 days!

Well officially I am still only 12DPO... You normally don't even test until 14DPO but for the last three days running I've had very obvious positive pregnancy tests...

I'm basically going to keep testing until I run out... It makes me happier knowing I'm still getting BFPs everyday especially as I tend to miscarry around the 5-6 week mark. So very worried about that... I'm hoping we can book in for a private scan around 7 weeks just so I know everything is going well and baby is still alive. Don't want to do it through the NHS as otherwise they won't bother to do a scan at 12 weeks, so we'd have to pay more to get that one done.

Haven't phoned my GP yet. Don't really know what I'm going to say seeing as so far as they're aware I'm still on those crappy mini pills. I'll probably tell them when I'm around 10 weeks gone, or if there's a problem before then (God Forbid)...

I still feel really positive about this pregnancy. This IS going to work out, I am going to end up with a healthy baby boy or girl at the end of this...

We told the boys today, they were excited! They didn't believe us at first but when we finally convinced them we were telling the truth they were excited. Of course, then came the questions from Tristan "Can I have a baby sister this time?", at which point Raistlin started jumping in his seat chanting "siter, siter, siter!", Jaeven got all snotty and said "I don't want a baby sister, I want a boy baby"... Urgh! It's so tempting not to find out this time.... Tristan was so disappointed last time when we told him Ashton was a boy that I can't bare to not only face my own disappointment, and see Martin feeling like he's failed us again, but to also see Tristan so bothered by it is heartbreaking.

I just told them all we'd love this baby whether it's a baby boy or a baby girl.

Martin's feeling is girl... I want to say mine is too, but I've said it before and ended up so hurt and disappointed, I don't ever want to feel that again. For now, until I am proved wrong, I am saying this is a boy.

Either way we've got our names sorted, so that's no problem!

I can't wait to be a bit further along now... I mean, I can and I can't. Time seems to be slipping by so quickly at the moment anyway, so I know it won't be long now.... And I really want to enjoy all this and so far I'm managing it. Hopefully tomorrow we will be going to buy some stuff to ease the onset of SPD for me so that's good.

I'm feeling kind of fat right now. I never really noticed a difference before but none of my clothes seem to fit anymore.... And not only that but my boobs are killing me.... They're so big right now it's so uncomfortable. Sad I always wish for bigger, fuller boobs but not painful ones!!!! Blum 3Lol

Anyway, I better be off for now!

To my precious baby (God I hope it's not a bad omen seeing as I just typed "previous"), I hope you are growing stronger by the day... I have been thinking about you a lot, and so has Daddy and we can't wait to meet you in August. You're treating me well right now and not making me feel too bad, which is lovely, and we're all so excited to have you in our lives. And for all the things I've said in the past, I love you now more then I could have imagined I ever would - whether you are a boy or a girl!

Sarah-Jean's picture
Joined: 10/25/01
Posts: 1335

3 weeks and 5 days...

Although to be honest I think my ticker is slow and I'm actually 3 weeks and 6 days!

At any rate I'll find out soon enough as we're going to have a private scan done just before/after Christmas just to check everything actually is OK. I'm still finding it kind of hard to believe I'm actually pregnant. I do kind of feel pregnant but it's so different to what I'm used too... I don't actually feel very sick unless I don't eat or I stand up for too long but my boobs feel like they've exploded and my stomach seems to have doubled in size over night. I know the bloating will go down (at least I hope so!) but I'm already wearing my maternity jeans and shirt because everything else is just too tight. I remember with all the boys I used to think people were just making a fuss as I never needed maternity clothes until quite late in my pregnancies, but wow do I feel the bloody idiot now!!!

Nothing really to report... I seem to have come down with ANOTHER cold - I'm so fed up with having colds. The weather is odd at the moment here in England... There was even a tornado in London today!!! 100MPH winds and torrential rain... We had an extremely early and very hot summer, then a very light autumn... The weather here is definately changing and rapidly. Very scary.

I keep thinking about all the things I want to do for this baby/pregnancy. Today I bought a relaxation CD and book of inspirational thoughts on pregnancy which was nice, except noone will let me relax for even ten minutes. I can feel my moods changing at the moment. Martin is becoming a selfish, self important bar-steward and the kids are little brats. I know they aren't really but I can't seem to help being constantly annoyed at them. Thankfully I know in a few weeks time they'll once again be the loves of my life, so I guess they'll have to put up with my moodiness at the moment.

Urgh. I've asked Martin three times now for something to eat and he's still not even started dinner. If he doesn't get a wriggle on I'm going to start stamping my foot and insisting he gets me a chinese instead.

Mmmm.... Chinese....... :drool:

To my precious little baby, sorry I worked you as hard as I have the last few days... I've tried to spend today relaxing but it just doesn't seem to be working. Tomorrow I am going shopping with Granny so hopefully tomorrow will be a better day!

Sarah-Jean's picture
Joined: 10/25/01
Posts: 1335

4weeks and 1day

Not much to report really. We're all sick here at the moment. Not pleasant and I was supposed to work at another exhibition yesterday but we couldn't leave the kids. We've got another one today but I really don't feel up to it. Problem is we really need the money as we've still got a ton of stuff we need to get for people for Christmas.

So yeah, feeling stressed out right now. Not helped by my paranoid feelings about miscarriage. I KNOW I'm not going to miscarry this baby. It just won't happen because this baby is destined to be here.... But I can't help running to the toilet every two minutes to check I'm not bleeding. I think I'll be happier once I reach around 7-8 weeks and have had a scan (assuming we can afford a private one - at this rate it's not looking that way).....

I still don't feel like I did in my last pregnancies. I don't really have any symptoms at the moment - I feel OK apart from the fact I'm not feeling very well thanks to my poison dwarves... Of course, that could be masking my symptoms cos I feel crappy through the illness but I don't think so.... I just feel different from how I did in my last pregnancies, don't know why.

I keep wanting to clean the house and do the nursery. We're probably going to sacrifice Martins office and move it into our bedroom so the baby can have the small room next to ours.

I can't decide when to call my Drs and let the local midwife know I'm pregnant. They won't do anything or even want to see me until I'm closer to 10weeks so there doesn't seem a lot of point calling yet. Although I suppose there's a chance they might (HA!) want to keep an eye on me because of my recurrent miscarriages so maybe I should call them soon.

I don't know. This is odd. Like being pregnant for the first time - I want to do everything right and I'm not sure where to begin! LOL

To my precious baby, you'll be doing so much growing right now and you'll look so different from last week. I can't believe it's been almost a week since we discovered you were really coming. I've done so many extra tests just because I couldn't believe my own eyes and feelings. It's like a dream come true and you're a little bit of Heaven being sent to us to learn from and care for. We all love you very much already and are so happy you've come to join us!

Sarah-Jean's picture
Joined: 10/25/01
Posts: 1335

4 weeks and 2 days,

I'm not in a good mood today. Crappy GP visit with Raisti, feeling ill, surrounded by moody whinging sick kids and an annoying DH is NOT my idea of a good time.

That and my bloody MIL just confirmed she's coming with her new peice of meat for Christmas Eve after all. :roll:

I am so desperate to know what the gender of this baby is now! Lol Martin did the weekends exhibition without me in the end as I just didn't feel well enough, and apparently he had his palm read... She said she was picking up a boy and a girl but it was confusing because there seemed to be a lot of children... She came to the conclusion that Martin had a few boys and either had a very young girl or was about to have a girl in the very near future. Freaky as Martin and I never give any clues away to readers. Mainly because it's so easy to cold read and it's made almost impossible to cold read if you just don't say anything at all, so we tend to sit silently until they've finished before giving anything away. So he's quite fired up for a girl now I think.

Tristan and JJ are also saying girl...

I FEEL like this could be a girl, but I really don't want to say or admit it because I'll be so upset and disappointed when we find out it's another boy. Hence the reason we're finding out in secret and not telling anyone at all (not even the kids) the gender. I just can't cope with the well meaning but very hurtful comments and "sympathy" people offer anymore.

I've already decided that if this is a girl I'm going to decorate her nursery with unicorns and fairies. It's actually weird as I recently bought a figurine of a fairy riding a unicorn. I don't know why I bought it, it caught my eye months ago and then we went to an exhibition and were talking to a stall holder who pointed it out and said it was the last one he had and the company who make them aren't making anymore. So he did us a deal although I didn't want to buy it at the time because I knew I'd be upset if our next baby was a boy and I didn't get to display it on a shelf.

Ho-hum... We'll see.

I can't decide about things like my homebirth either. Martin wants it to be just us, I'd like my Mum there, but Martin feels like last time he was left to do all the running around making tea's, filling the pool, grabbing towels etc and so didn't get to share the whole experience. I think he was quite upset by it actually as he'd been under the impression that other people would do all that and let him just stay with me after he'd filled the pool. Now he says he doesn't want anyone there at all so he can actually be around and involved other then making tea's and coffee's for everyone else. I say my Mum should be there and she could make her own tea if he's that bothered by it, but at least we'll have someone there to take photo's when the baby is born.

Urgh... So much to decide, so little time! And I'm enjoying it so much this time... Even though the morning sickness is now beginning to set in... Blah!

Sarah-Jean's picture
Joined: 10/25/01
Posts: 1335

4weeks and 3 days

I am feeling rather obsessed with gender today. Don't really know why. I just want to know everything and do everything now! I want to decide what we're going to kit the nursery out with, what clothes to buy (impossible seeing as baby will be born in Summer and it's currently Winter!), what names we're using, whether it's a boy or a girl (God please let it be a girl!)... I want to know and DO everything now!

I am so tempted to pay for one of those Acu-Gen tests. They're at least $275.00 and I KNOW they aren't accurate and it's a con but the temptation is still there - it's got a 50% chance of being right surely!!! Blum 3 LOL

All the gender prediction charts say Girl, but then the others (ones not based on Chinese Chart) say Boy. My heart says Girl, my head says Boy. I think I am going to try and get an early scan at the hospital and forego my 12week scan. If I have one done early then they won't do one at 12 weeks as the one they do at 12weeks is just for dating. So I'll pay for a NT scan at 13weeks instead and hopefully because it's private they might even tell us the gender! Actually chances are baby will be ackward and they won't be able to tell anyway, but I know that at 13weeks you can see a penis if it's present. I don't know... I just want to know soon, it's driving me crazy! Blum 3 Still not telling anyone though when we do find out.

And then a part of me doesn't want to know. I'm actually enjoying being pregnant this time and I know if it turns out to be another boy I will stop enjoying myself so much. I did in the last few pregnancies at any rate. This time it won't be because I'm disappointed as such, more because it'll mean I'll have to put my body through another pregnancy and I'd really like this to be the last one... But I can't stop until I finally get a girl. It's like I've got a mental block on the possibility that I may have to accept I will never have a girl... I can't even think of it.

Annnnyyyyywayyy.... I feel really sick today. I'm not ill though, or not too badly, so it must be jellybean forcing me to feel bad!

And I'm hungry... It's 1:30pm and I've not had anything to eat today. Blah!

I started an Expect Net game yesterday! So far 7 people have guessed at my baby!

And here is what Madame Zaritska has to say on the matter!

The day you deliver, outside will be windy. Your baby will arrive in the morning.

After a labor lasting approximately 9 hours, your child, a girl, will be born. Your baby will weigh about 10 pounds, 14 ounces, and will be 18 inches long. This child will have blue eyes and be completely bald.

But there is more. I get the impression that there is something in your life that is not yet settled. Something about... something about a name? Ah -- a baby name. Why don't you look here for help with finding the perfect name for your precious child.

9 hours??!!!! That'll be my longest labour yet! And 10lbs 14oz?!!! What am I supposed to be giving birth too? An elephant?!

As for the name bit, well that's wrong. We've already picked out our names and have no issues there for either a boy or a girl!

Only time will tell I suppose! Blum 3

To my precious baby, I took my last pregnancy test today. I now really believe I am pregnant - not because of the pregnancy test, but because you're wreaking havoc on my body and I feel really sick and tired and moody!!! Your big brothers are so excited about you now, they keep talking about you and asking when you'll be coming and whether you'll be a little brother or a little sister for them to look after! We're so sure you'll be a nice healthy baby we've even included you in the majority of our Christmas cards this year, so make sure you keep on growing as I know a lot of people will be very excited to meet you next August!

Sarah-Jean's picture
Joined: 10/25/01
Posts: 1335

4weeks and 4days

I can't stay away from this journal - even though I have nothing to say yet! I mean, there's only so much you can say in early pregnancy right?!
"feel sick and tired, boobs hurt, stomach cramps, worried about MC!"
"feel sick and tired, boobs hurt, stomach cramps, worried about MC!"
"feel sick and tired, boobs hurt, stomach cramps, worried about MC!"

LOL Biggrin

Ah well, it makes me feel better to write about it.

Today my stomach hurts, I feel sick, tired and very moody. The kids are sadly driving me nuts. Tristan has the beginnings of an ear infection so he's got antibiotics. Raistlin is on antibiotics for his persistant coughing (?!) not that you'd know it seeing as he just spits it back up. Jaeven is moody because I wouldn't write his Christmas cards out tonight cos I don't feel well. Ashton is whingy because he's bunged up with cold and Martin is a pain in the arse because he's got tons of work on.

I am desperately craving white wine right now. And chinese food. I always crave chinese food though so I'm not surprised by that one!

I'm also constantly hungry and yet I'm eating less then normal... Sad Really should keep my food intake up otherwise I'll slip back to my old ways of eating only a peice of toast every couple of days if I'm not careful.

I want to do everything right this time around. I never have before. Or not so far as I'm concerned. I've got a full list of stuff we need to buy for the baby... I've already decided the routine. We've never done routines before with the kids, but this time I might. I'm hoping I can break the whole baby sleeping in our room thing I've had going on... I FULLY intend to breastfeed again. I'm hoping to stick it out a year next time, but I'll be happy with 6 months. I was so disappointed I failed so miserably last time. I hate breastfeeding... Well, no I love breastfeeding - I just hate seeing people doing it in public. I was fully put off when I was younger down the city centre when I saw a woman just flop a boob out and attach a child who looked about two years old standing up to it... That alone put me off breastfeeding my first three children. I don't know what made me so insistant to breastfeed Ashton... I just loved it. I hated breastfeeding when I tried it with Tristan but with Ashton it was different. The pain, the illnesses, the fact I was awake all the time - none of that mattered I loved it so much.

I was so miserable when my supply dried up. I blame Martin if I'm honest. I don't feel like he cared for me properly after my last homebirth. My only real memory of my postbirth 24hours is of crawling up the stairs to the bathroom to get a bath cos he conveniently wouldn't wake up... Then getting stuck in the bath, unable to get out, sitting in freezing cold, bloody water shouting until my throat was hoarse and I passed out for help and still he never came.

Then when I got ill from the infection in my womb, I could barely move I was in pain, feverish and completely out of it (still breastfeeding though I'm pleased to say!), he rarely bought me anything to drink or eat... So I ended up starving and dehydrating... Eventually I got so exhausted from lack of food and drink I got even more sick around 2 1/2 months and ended up begging Martin to give Ashton a bottle because I was too weak to hold him.... Just for one feed. That one feed was enough to dry up my supply. I was never able to feed him after that.

Of course, I don't blame Martin as such. He was trying to keep a business afloat, whilst caring for four young children and me. It must have been hard, but it does make me nervous about trusting him to care for me properly after another homebirth.

I was determined last time to get to 3 months feeding and never made it, so come hell or high water I will make it to 6 months next time.

Anyway... There's so much I want to do next time. Routine bathtimes, nighttimes, feeding schedules, play time, nap time... I know it never really works out like that but I hope I can work better and more organised then I did for the boys.

To my precious baby, I hope you're growing well in there. You'll be known as am embryo soon and I can't believe I'm almost 5 weeks. I keep meaning to call my GP and tell them about you and ask for a reassurance scan, but I keep forgetting. My brain has turned to mush these days and I can barely remember my name let alone anything else! I've got big plans for your nursery. We haven't had a nursery for any of the boys since Tristan so I'm quite excited to be doing a room especially for you! I hope you like it!!! I can't wait to see you for the first time... I'm so anxious to know you're OK. I try to pretend like I'm not worried, it doesn't scare me... I've lost six babies, God can't be cruel enough to take you away from me too.... But it follows me every minute of the day and I can't help worrying about your health.

Please stay strong for us my precious little baby!

Sarah-Jean's picture
Joined: 10/25/01
Posts: 1335

4 weeks and 5 days

I threw up for the first time this morning... I threw up once or twice when Pregnant with Tristan, and once with Jaeven I think but that was it. I hope this isn't the start of a long and involved relationship with the toilet bowl!!! Blum 3

Oh, and Martin has agreed to take me to the Baby Show at ExCel in March! We're going to go on the Friday in the hope it's not AS crowded as a weekend day would be. I'll be 17weeks by then so we'll probably know what the baby is so I fully intend to shop, shop, shop!!!!

I can't believe I'm almost 5 weeks... I hope I make it that far. I normally miscarry around 5-6 weeks, so here's hoping.

Actually I'm really paranoid about it now. I was going to call my GP today but just didn't get the chance. I'll call them tomorrow, although my experience of GPs and Midwives is that they're generally not very sympathetic to these things, so I'm not holding my breath for an early scan.

That said Martin has agreed to take me for one around 6-7 weeks either way as I'm really stressing myself out now. I could always lie and say I've had spotting like some other unmentionable people do to get an early scan, but I just couldn't. It'd be tempting fate too much for my liking.

I can't rest until I know that my precious baby is alive and well. I don't know why but I'm really paranoid about the fact it might not be. Obviousely I've got no sign of miscarriage so far but then with the blighted ovum there was no signs either... My body was lying to itself that it was pregnant, when there was no baby to speak of there, just the empty sac... Sad I don't know if I could go through that again. Believing everything was OK cos I'd got out the "danger" zone when it wasn't....

I need some reassurance everything is OK. And I need it ASAP as it's affecting everything for me... I'm even beginning to have nightmares about it now.

Bah. I think I'm going to be sick again..... :puke:

Sarah-Jean's picture
Joined: 10/25/01
Posts: 1335

Woohoo!!! I'm 5 weeks today!!!

My precious baby is probably about 4-6mm big and my baby's heart has begun pumping and circulating blood... On a great but rather worrying note my precious baby's vical chords are also forming! LOL I'm sure we'll get to hear him/her testing them out soon enough!

I've got exactly 35 weeks (or 245 days) left to go!!!

How exciting!

On a seperate, not so good note, I'm not getting much help at home. Martin promised me that next time I got pregnant he would support me better then he did last time. So far that's not happened. I think he secretly is trying to push my stress levels up so I do end up miscarrying. He doesn't seem to be in the slightest bit concerned about either the baby or my own health. But then he's virtually ignoring the other kids too and just is such a moody teenager right now I wonder why I ever bothered marrying him.

Should have dumped his arse when I had the chance really.

He told me he was going to sort out a private reassurance scan for me today. I found a place that would do it for £50, and what did he do?! He called BabyBond - who don't even offer the early reassurance scan and now says we have to wait until Monday before we hear if they'll do it... And even if they will they aren't open over the Xmas time, so I'd have to wait until Jan when I'd be almost 8 weeks anyway. :roll:

Wish I'd never even bothered talking to him about it now. I'll sort myself out from now on.

Oh, and if he thinks I'd trust him to look after me during a homebirth the way he's carrying on he's got another thing coming! He's already slipped back to his old selfish ways. I'm going to the fucking hospital.

Anyway. I've had enough for today. I'm going to go to bed - I just can't be bothered making an effort anymore, seeing as the way he's pushing me I probably won't even be pregnant anymore by this time next week.

Sarah-Jean's picture
Joined: 10/25/01
Posts: 1335

5 weeks and 2 days;

Urgh... I've just thrown up all over the cloakroom. And I think I'm going to throw up again in a minute, I can already feel it at the back of my throat. Blah!

Tomorrow I am booking my appointment for an early ultrasound. I asked Martin to do it at the end of last week (Friday) and he waited until Saturday when most places are closed and told me he'd get a date and time today. He's not done it so I'm going to instead.

I suddenly don't feel so bothered by the gender of this baby either. I had a wobble a few days ago but I really don't mind if this baby is another boy. My boys are so gorgeous how could I not want more of them?!!! Ashton is singing to me at this very moment, as I'm typing! It's so cute!

We had such a great day today. Went to JJs first nativity plan at school today. I ended up crying through it! Then when we picked the boys up from school we went to the pub and had a meal with dessert before coming home, rearranging the furniture and putting on a DVD (Over the Hedge) and all snuggled up on the sofa to watch it together! Soooo much fun!

Anyway, I'd better go! I'm watching the last in the series of A Child Against All Odds!

To my precious baby, I hope you're growing strong and healthy and looking forward to meeting us all as much as we're looking forward to meeting you in August!

Sarah-Jean's picture
Joined: 10/25/01
Posts: 1335

5 weeks and 3 days!

Well, I booked my first ultrasound!!! It's on January the 5th, which is a bit further away then I wanted but at least I know I'll find out then whether or not everything is OK, so I think I can wait!

I also bought a body pillow today as my hips have started playing up in the last few days... Really badly, today I have had to hobble everywhere. Now I don't know if this is the SPD or something else, as in theory SPD doesn't set in until around 12weeks, although the last two times it started around 10weeks for me... I am going to phone my GP practice today and make an appointment with the midwife though, as if it is SPD starting up again, I want to be seen and treated ASAP as it's going to be bad this time around. My last pregnancy I was on crutches, although I was asked to consider a wheelchair - obviousely I didn't consider it as I was able to manage with only moderate pain on crutches.... But this time I'm not sure I'll be so lucky.

Morning sickness has really set in for me at the moment. I feel sick all the time. It comes in waves though so sometimes it almost feels like I'm fine and then 30minutes later I'm gagging over the toilet! Blah!

My emotions are everywhere right now. I can't stop crying and getting angry with people. I don't remember being this bad in my last pregnancies.

Oh and the bloating... I dared to put on a pair of normal jeans today - not a good idea seeing as I had to coat hanger into them and feel really squashed and uncomfortable. Thankfully I bought some fabby new maternity clothes today as well! Woohoo!

Once we've done the first ultrasound we will book in for a NT scan at 13wks 6d... They told us that we could have a look and see if we could see the gender, although obviousely they couldn't promise we would be able to tell so I'm quite excited about that! The earliest we've ever found out so far was 15weeks so here's hoping - I'll only be a day under 14weeks anyway so don't see there being a problem unless baby is being shy!

I'm so excited! I can't remember being so excited like this before... It's better then when I was pregnant with DS1!!! I just hope the bubble doesn't burst on us this time....



Sarah-Jean's picture
Joined: 10/25/01
Posts: 1335

5 weeks and 6 days!

I haven't written anything for a few days... To be honest week 5 is my worst week for miscarriage, it's when statistically I seem most likely to miscarry so I've been feeling a bit pessimistic this week. Also there's only so much you can write when nothing seems to be changing or happening!

Oh, I finally tried to make an appointment with my community midwife. Only to be told that at my new surgery their policy is that you see your GP first... So I've got an appointment to see my GP on Friday the 29th... Although I can't remember what time it's supposed to be at.... :-?

I'm a bit nervous I must admit, cos I don't know exactly what he'll do... I did ask the receptionist and she just said he'd go through certain forms and paperwork and confirm the pregnancy. I asked if there was anything I needed to bring but she didn't seem to think so... I can't imagine he confirms pregnancy with a blood test, so I guess he just goes by my say so? I don't know!

So, some things are starting to happen now finally... I've got a Drs appointment in 7 days time and in 14 days time I've got my first ultrasound! Exciting!

I'm pleased I'll be 6 weeks tomorrow too... I think that'll be 80% of the stress I'm currently suffering gone once tomorrow is over...



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6 weeks and 3 days!

It's been a hectic Christmas!!! LOL But a fun one! And now I'm over at my Mums house relaxing a bit for Boxing Day!

It's also my gorgeous little Ashton's 1st birthday... I'm happy and sad at the same time. I spent most of yesterday evening crying and remembering what was happening this time last year... Couldn't sleep last night because I was running through the events in time with the way they happened last night.

I don't recall doing that with any of the others, but then there birthdays were never on a holiday or particularly memorable day like Ashton's has been...

I can't believe this time last year I was still recovering from Ashton's birth, getting the hang of breastfeeding, enjoying having a newborn that was as gorgeous as he is and so easy to care for....

Nope, there I go again! I'm crying! Blah.

My pregnancy symptoms are lessening at the moment, so I'm fretting as per normal. Actually I'm trying not to think about it too much. I've got an appointment with my GP on Friday so I guess I can speak to him about it then!

I'm worried I'm going to give our names away. Actually just our girls name! I really want the baby's gender and name to be a surprise for everyone, when he/she is born.... But I keep saying the name by accident in everyday conversation as it sounds so much like several other words! Urgh!

I'm beginning to think this baby might actually be a girl... I try not to think about it because 1/. I really don't mind if this one is a boy and 2/. I don't want to feel disappointed if it does turn out to be a boy... But I can't help it... I FEEL like my body and soul are telling me this is a girl this time. Maybe that's just wishful thinking though. I guess we'll find out soon enough!

Anyway my precious baby... I'm so pleased you're still with us, I must admit I'd fully expected you to have gone by now! I can't believe that this time next year you will be here, celebrating Christmas/Boxing Day/Ashton's 2nd birthday with us! I can't wait to buy your presents, see your little face, watch your big brothers playing with you and fighting over who gets to help you unwrap the next present!!! LOL It'll be so much fun!

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OMG! I can't believe I've got this far with no bleeding, no miscarriage, no real problems at all.

I went for my Drs appointment yesterday. It was quite good. He's writing to get me an appointment with the Physiotherapist due to my SPD, he's also writing to get me a dating scan at around 10-12weeks and he's booked me in to meet my new midwife on the 18th Jan! So all seems OK there! Oh, he also agreed with me that my due date is my birthday! Woohoo!!!

Only 6 days to go until my ultrasound! Woohoo!!!!!! Can't wait! Well, I kind of can and I kind of can't as I'm a bit nervous of what I'll see or won't see... Never used to worry about any of this stuff until I had a blighted Ovum pregnancy and now I worry that there will be nothing there with my first ultrasounds these days...

Anyway, symptoms wise I am doing OK. Occassionally feel a little bit sick, but nothing major. No real stomach cramps or anything as I had in my last pregnancies, only real symptoms are extreme fatigue - I can barely stay awake these days - , tender BBs and a little bit of heartburn..... Oh yeah, and my hips aching really painfully at night. Blah!

I'm kind of bored with this stage now... Nothing seems to be outwardly happening, and it's dragging. I almost wish like I was suffering from sickness and stuff as at least then I'd have something to focus on, but the way things are now I'd never have even known I was pregnant if I hadn't done the tests. Only 10 more weeks until The Baby Show!!!! Can't wait, I will know the babies gender by then and fully intend to shop until I drop!

Actually thinking about it, I could know the gender in as little as 6 weeks and 6 days if all goes to plan! And if not then we will know in 8-9 weeks!

To my precious baby, I wish you'd give me a sign that you're OK and you're definately in there somewhere! I can't help but worry about how you're doing and wether you're OK and growing as you should be. Tristan was asking if he could feel you this morning, and was a little bit upset that you are so small, but I told him you were growing very quickly and it wouldn't be long until he could feel you!

Keep safe little one....

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Joined: 10/25/01
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7weeks and 5days...

I am nervous. It's my first ultrasound tomorrow and I'm feeling very nervous. I don't really feel that pregnant. I'm not sick, I'm having none of my normal symptoms at all... I keep saying that if I hadn't have done the pregnancy tests I'd never know I was pregnant right now because I just don't feel it.

Scary stuff! I'm worried we'll have the scan tomorrow and see nothing. I always worry about it, but I never actually expected it to one day happen - then I had the blighted ovum pregnancy and there was never a baby seen on screen.... So horrible, so now I'm worrying doubly that it will happen again.

We're not taking the boys tomorrow, I normally would because if anything happens then they will need to know about it at some point, but I just think they'll be too much hard work tomorrow... We're having the scan because we're worried something might be wrong, and we really want to concentrate on the scan, not be chasing the boys around trying to get them to settle down and watch the screen. Well actually normally Tristan and Jaeven are fine, it's Raistlin that gets bored at scans - the others all love them!

To my precious baby, please make sure you're feeling very photogenic tomorrow... We want to see you in all your glory with your little heart beating away healthily!

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7 weeks and 6 days!

Well, I had my US this morning (sorry it took me so long to get on to update!)... It was something of a mini adventure to say the least!

Got there, got in for my appointment, got on the table, transducer on my stomach only to be told the several large pint glasses I'd had that morning weren't enough... They tried to see as best they could but apparently my bladder was just too small... They saw baby though and heart beating away steadily, so no concerns there - the problem was they thought they saw two!!!!

So they made me go sit down for 15 minutes and drink another 4 glasses of water by which time I was literally bursting to go to the loo and did the scan again... They saw only one baby this time, thank God, although she didn't seem to be completely confident, she's a fantastic sonographer though so if she says she only see's one baby then I'm sure there is only the one!

I've got another two scans at the beginning of Feb, and probably another one about two weeks after those, which I'm looking forward too now!

Oh, apparently I am measuring at 8wk 3d today but we know that it is pretty impossible for me to be that far along so she kept my EDD at the 18th and just said it's normal to measure a few days ahead or behind...

She was showing us the heartbeat thingie in this one... Something to do with bumps on the line....

To My Precious Baby, I was so pleased to see you today, your little heart beating away like the clappers, and the fact that you are so big and healthy looking! I can't wait for the 7th Feb when we get to see you again and I hope you stay healthy and happy in there for us all because we can't wait to see you!

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Woohoo!!!! Well, things are going quite well now. Stuff seems to be happening now. For one, about 3 days ago I started feeling sick, dizzy, tired, breathless... All bad things but I am kind of just happy to be feeling something!

I got all my upcoming appointments through today as well! Although I might try and change my Midwives appointment as otherwise my schedule is a bit odd...

18th Jan Midwife appointment
19th Jan Physio appointment
6th Feb NHS dating scan
7th Feb Private NT scan

I am going to try and move my midwife appointment forward to this week, as I also need her to do my private blood samples in the last week of Jan and I suspect she won't be happy to see me that often... So if I can move it forward to the 11th Jan it'd be good... Not holding my breath though! :roll:

Actually I'm not really feeling very confident in this pregnancy this time around. I just have a gut feeling something is going to go wrong. I'm trying to stay positive but I didn't feel like this in my last couple of pregnancies, I had complete faith everything would be OK and this time I just have a horrible feeling I won't be well this time around. Strange as I was convinced I would be until recently and now I just can't help feeling I won't get my homebirth because something is going to be wrong...

Anyway, I'm going to try and stay positive for now and take things as they come. Hopefully my midwive will see me sooner, but I doubt it. I'm told her name is Jill, that's the same as my last midwive so I'm hoping it's her cos she's lovely even if I did end up arguing with her on more then one occasion!!!

Anyway, I'm 8 weeks today! Woohoo!!! Over one fifth of the way there! Oh, and Martin and I got to go out today... We've been working a lot recently, and it looks like our workload is going to get really heavy over the next few months so we'll have no time at all to relax at this rate... Just looking at our schedule makes me feel tired right now. Sad Oh well, hopefully it'll help with all our debts and stuff!

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8 weeks and 3 days!

Urgh, I wish I'd never mentioned before the fact they had to do two scans the other day... Since then I've heard nothing but "it happened to me when I was pregnant with my twins too!"..... Then I had a medium tell me I was having twins too....


I just want my next scan so we can make sure there is only one in there! Even Martin has started questioning me because apparently I'm obviousely pregnant already.... I do feel huge but I just assumed it was in my mind - not that great having people you barely know telling you how fat you are already!!! Lol

I really think there is only one baby though... I haven't had any excessive symptoms at all, infact I've only really brushed with symptoms now and then... Just kind of getting fed up with the comments. It worries me, I don't want twins!!!!

Urgh.... I'm going to have to go and put something else on... The clothes I'm wearing are too tight and hurting my stomach.... Just waiting for Martin to get home from taking the kids to school now, as I really need to sleep more as my hips have been keeping me awake at night from the pain. Blah.

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Joined: 10/25/01
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8 weeks and 4 days;

I am trying to convince Martin to let me have a private midwife this time around. I just can't be bothered with fighting for a homebirth again, it really stressed me out in the last stages of my pregnancy with Ashton and I can't be bothered... Just the thought of having to do that again makes me feel like I should just give up now and go with whatever they want.

So I have contacted two local Birth Doula's and am tryig to convince Martin to let me have a private midwife. I know what the local NHS midwives are like, they always say yes to homebirth and seem really supportive and then suddenly some mystery problem arises at 35/36weeks which means you can't possibly have a homebirth. :roll:

I just can't be bothered with the stress. Plus I don't know how I'm going to convince the NHS midwive to do my private tests for me... I need her to take my blood at 11weeks for the NT tests but I need her to do it on a day she doesn't hold clinics, so I know she'll say no... And with the B Strep I'll probably need her to do that with me too, but then she'll probably object because it's not a NHS test... Urgh.

But Martin isn't happy about the thought of either a doula or a private midwife. I can kind of understand why, a private midwife will cost us £3000 and a doula will cost anywhere upto £400, but still.... Well, he's happy with the thought just not happy with the cost! :roll:

Ho-hum... I suppose we'll see what happens.

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Joined: 10/25/01
Posts: 1335

8 weeks and 5 days...

I'm really pissed off right now with Martin. Firstly I've barely seen him all week, let alone spoken to him. I've just about given up now, if he can't be bothered to listen to me why should I even bother talking to him?

He just got back from picking the kids up from school... Having had a meeting with Tristan's teacher about his progress. Apparently he told me about it two days ago, I can't even remember a conversation five minutes ago let alone two bloody days ago. He went off to the school, without telling me that this meeting was today and didn't give me the option of going and I am fucking pissed off about it. I would have gone had I remembered/known it was today.

Oh, and to top it all, he bought me this horrible brown dress I said I didn't want today. We haven't got any money at the moment as it is because we're waiting for invoices to be paid, and yet he goes and buys me a bloody brown dress, I've already said I don't want and that won't fit me in a few weeks IF it even fits me now.

I am so fucking pissed off. So annoyed it's given me a headache.... And then to top all of that off he actually had the balls to have a go at ME over the fact he didn't remind me Tristan's teachers meeting was today. WTF!!!


I've decided on the midwife and doula I want.. I'd already decided I wanted a doula and private midwife, but he didn't agree, so I've just booked it anyway. Don't really care what he wants - this is my body, my pregnancy, it'll be me going through labour and all the shite, so he can sod off and put up with it!

And just to piss him off even more, I'm going to go to bed now because I'm bloody tired.


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Joined: 10/25/01
Posts: 1335

9 Weeks and 2 days!

I can't believe how far gone I am! I really thought I'd have lost the baby by now! Only problem is I feel constantly hot at the moment and am sweating like a pig... Sad This is the one thing I hate about pregnancy, I never normally over-heat but for some reason I do when I'm pregnant.

Even better I met my midwife today... I'm not sure what it would have been classed as, kind of like one of those get-togethers I suppose to decide whether she likes me, I like her, we can work together?! Not sure, but it was good. I liked her as much as I expected I would and am excited about it all now!

She seems to be quite understanding although I think I gave her the impression I thought all NHS midwives were Evil.... Not the case at all, I just find it very frustrating being told I'm ill when I don't feel I am. Anyway, she's exactly what I hoped for - she doesn't seem like the type who will just say what I want to hear, but give me real facts and advice and help me to hopefully achieve a healthy and happy pregnancy and a homebirth at the end of it!

To be honest, I'm not really thinking about the birth too much right now... I'll just take it as it comes. I've learnt that I don't tend to get too disappointed when I just go with the flow so that's probably best.

Anyway, I see her again for like a booking in appointment on the 30th... Can't wait, I'm just hoping we get the invoices in before then. Sad

Other then that I'm feeling fine! Bit tired, and my hips ache a lot but I suppose that's to be expected. Martin made me go to an exhibition yesterday and all the standing up, and long hours in the car really hurt. I told them it would but he didn't listen - so I basically refused to do any work! Mwahahahaha :twisted:

Serves him right, I told him I'd be useless!

Sarah-Jean's picture
Joined: 10/25/01
Posts: 1335

9 weeks and 3 days!

Why do people constantly feel the need to tell me they think I'm having a girl this time? As though they're giving me some sort of hope? As though I'd be disappointed if my precious baby was another boy?

I don't NEED hope. I don't CARE what gender my baby is. Sure I'd like a girl, but for the first time in a long time I honestly don't mind what we have. I don't know why, I just don't. I thought I would care, but I don't. SO STOP GOING ON ABOUT IT!!!!!!

They seem to assume that I just keep "popping" babies out in the hope one wil be female. And I'll keep going until I get a girl. Yeah, it's true, I've said that in the past in darker days when depression was hitting pretty bad, but those days are gone.

I don't HAVE to decide whether I want to keep going or I want to stop. I can decide when it suits me, I may never decide one way or the other. I may keep going, I may stop. Why's it so important to people? And why do they think it's any of their business how many children I have, or what gender I do or don't want?

Even Martin's doing it - "it'll be a girl this time" he says, as though it really matters. :roll: It's diving me nuts. And is just one of many reasons why I'm not willing to tell anyone what gender our baby turns out to be until he or she is born.

Besides - there's some pretty cute boys stuff out right now!!! Lol

Oh, Valerie, my midwife gave me one of her business cards yesterday when she came over... It's so cute, a picture of a baby on the front all curled up on a ban bag! Reminded me that I asked Martin if we could have one done this time... We really need to start taking more photo's of our kids. Martin hates taking photo's of them unless he can get complicated gadgets and camera's. He'll only ever use a digital camera but even then he never prints the photo's off... Our walls are barren compared to our friends and family whohave photo's of their families up. Even my Mum has more photo's of my kids on her walls and units then we do. Drives me crazy!!!

So yeah, I want one of the baby in Martin's arms, naked... I've seen them done before and they're so cute. A shot from the side or something so you can't actually see too much...

Oh God and I'm already panicking over the birth announcement cards. We always used Happy Hands cards - the ones that have your newborn babies footprints on the front. Except I don't want to use them anymore because someone we really don't like used them to rub the fact she had a daughter in our faces days after Martin's Dad died... Somehow they just don't seem that special anymore... Sad

So, now I have to find some other unique way of telling people - hmmmm.......

To my precious baby, I can't believe how far we've come so far. You must be growing more and more by the day. So cute! Everyone is really excited to meet you - your big brother Tristan has been telling me off daily for doing things he thinks I shouldn't! Even little Raistlin keeps trying to "feel" you and kissing my tummy. I keep telling them you've got a way to grow yet before they'll be able to feel you, although they"reassure" me I'm getting quite fat now so you must be getting bigger! Not sure how I feel about that, but never mind! I met the lady who's going to hopefully, be delivering you when you decide to evacuate the building, she's very nice too!
I found my doppler today, so am going to try and have a listen, although you're still so little I'm not holding my breath! I have never been able to hear any of your brothers before 10weeks, so I suspect I will have to be patient for a little while longer!

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Posts: 1335

9 weeks and 5 days...

And I'm in agony... I've been in agony for the last two days. The really bad thing is I know it's only going to get worse. It maybe wouldn't be so bad if I thought this was as bad as it gets... But it's not. I've barely been able to walk the last two days, and have been virtually housebound for the last few days... Can't sleep, can't eat, barely can drink.

Not helped by the fact I have a horribly sore throat on top of that.

Martin is working hard so he can't help me much at the moment either.

I've got a physio appointment tomorrow. I'm so glad and yet so nervous. I've got a lady I don't know, rather then my last Physio, and I don't know if she'll actually want to help me or be like the lady I had the first two times who basically shrugged her shoulders and told me to take paracetemol. :roll: As if I hadn't thought of that already!!!

Thankfully at the moment my pubic area isn't particularly sore... A bit achey but not anything I can't manage, but then I suppose the baby weighs virtually nothing at the moment so there wouldn't be any real pressure on it. It's my hips and lower back. My hips I'm used to, my lower back I'm not... My hips are really bad though right now... I can feel them crunching and grinding - Martin can often hear it even when he's not in the room - and the pain is unbelievable. I've spent the last two days crying almost none stop.

Martin has tried bless him... He's been working downstairs so he can fetch and carry for the boys, he even tried to cheer me up today by offering to take me baby window shopping for the nursery, but I just can't stand the thought of walking.

I'm currently downstairs, but I really want to be upstairs, so I can rest in relative peace and quiet seeing as I don't think Martin has a particularly busy days work today, but I tried a minute ago to get up them and couldn't even crawl up... So I've either got to take some painkillers, but I can't even remember which ones I'm allowed to take whilst pregnant - that's how often I take them! Or, I've got to ask Martin to try and carry me up - not a task I envy him for as I'm not exactly light and nimble these days compared to my old weight of 7 1/2 stone.... :roll:

On a slightly lighter note, I was talking to Martin about stuff after the birth... I really think I need counselling or de-briefing on my previous post-partum times. The births are fantastic! I always love giving birth, have no issues or problems with that side of thing, but I've had some pretty rough pregnancies. The last one in particular was bad on me, so was Raistlin's. And my post-partum times have been pretty horrific from lack of support.

With Tristan I had a chocolate (from a tin of Heroes) because it was Easter, less then 24 hours after he was born and Martin basically told me I was fat and should be on a diet... ONE CHOCOLATE!!!

With Jaeven I was desperate for sleep and slightly confused as to what had just happened because he was born so quickly and unexpectedly, the midwives asked me how long I wanted to stay in and I said a few days, Martin went and told them I wanted out ASAP. Needless to say they chucked me out within hours and I went home to the usual stuff, no resting time at all.

With Raistlin I point blank refused to leave hospital for a couple of days, that one was OK. I got to rest well and was A-OK afterwards.

With Ashton it was horrific... I can't even begin to describe how I was treated... My first memory of the hours after the birth was having to go and run my own bath whilst Martin slept, which was OK except I was too weak to get back out once I'd got in, and I shouted myself hoarse asking for help... I ended up being in that bath for hours, in cold, bloody water before Martin bothered to come and get me.

Then when I was trying to get breastfeeding established and still feeling really ill due to the infection he barely bought me one meal a day or anything to drink, which made me far worse.

There's a whole list of stuff, but I'll just get angry and upset and say stuff I don't mean if I go over it again...

Needless to say I am dreading being "supported" by him again afterwards. He always expects me to get up and go out shopping or socialising straight afterwards, or tells me I'm ugly/fat/a hippo, or just leaves me to rot by myself...

So I've spoken to him and basically I have told him that for a few days afterwards I am "laying in". I read about it on the Birthing Naturally board and apparently it's normally 15 days, although can't see me being allowed that long. Basically I'm going to stay in bed, with baby for the first few days and do absolutely jack all except recover and breastfeed!

Just wish I could do that now... I need to find something to help my hips or I can see myself becomming bedridden soon. Sad Please God let the Physio be nice to me and help me!!!

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Joined: 10/25/01
Posts: 1335

10 weeks and 2 days...

I can't believe I've got less then 30 weeks to go now... How time flies!

I forgot to come back and update after my Physio appointment. It went well I think... My hips are all out of place, my leg has rotated in the socket, everything is too loose and free moving - in general it's not great.... BUT I am getting help! My Physio gave me a tubi-grip thing to wear, and some leg exercises to strengthen my muscles a bit. I have to go back this Friday to see if the pain is more tolerable, in which case she can hopefully try and manipulate me back to where I should be!

And Valerie, my midwife, has been a God send. She is definately worth every penny and more! She's sent me an email with details of a reflexologist and an acupuncturist to see if they can help, and she sent me an email with details about GBS including something that someone suggested might help to remedy it!

My SPD hasn't actually been that bad this week! I can't afford to go for reflexology or acupuncture this month, but I'm going to get in touch with them and see what they say for next month!

Martin is also going to get me a gym ball. The Physio said the gym ball could really help too, I'm not sure if that's the same as a birth ball or not, but if it might help I'll give it a go!

I have been thinking a lot over the last few days about the GBS and birth stuff... It's actually really scary knowing I *might* have GBS. I know I gave birth at home with it last time - I might have had it with each of my pregnancies and never known, but now I do know what do I do about it? It's scary to think I could be putting my baby's life at risk by having a homebirth... But then it's such a small risk and there are risks in everything we do so does it really matter? I'm torn. I want a homebirth but am I just being selfish?

I don't know... I'm sure Valerie will help me with this stuff. I'll do everything I can to get a homebirth, but if ultimately she doesn't think it's in our est interests then I'm happy being guided in whatever is needed.

I've been reading up about Lotus Births... Where you keep the placenta attached until it naturally comes away. Sounds a bit airy fairy to me but it has sparked my interest. Apparently a lot of cultures do it for spiritual reasons and because they believe it has some benefit to baby.

I'd beter be off anyway... Incredibly tired right now... Sad

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Joined: 10/25/01
Posts: 1335

11weeks and 2days!

Wow, a whole week since I last wrote anything here. Things have been hectic. Martin is stressing me out big time, he seems to do nothing but scream at the kids and act as though the world is about to end. It's driving me nuts.

Anyway, I didn't write much last week because Martin's 30th was last Wednesday. It was good, we went shopping and bought him some stuff.

I saw my Physio last Friday... She seemed to think I was doing well, I've been given extra exercises to do, much more painful ones though. They include rocking on a birth ball of all things. :shock: Only problem was I took the good appointment to mean I was doing better and could walk a little bit again. How stupid am I. I'm now in agony again and can barely manage to do my exercises twice a day, I haven't even attempted three times. And my tubi-grip thing has not been worn the last two days... I just can't stand the pain. Sad And to top it all I think I pulled a muscle in my leg on the stupid birth ball cos I've got shooting pains all down my upper leg. :roll:

I see my midwife again tomorrow for my booking appointment. I feel bad though, because you're supposed to pay £500 at the booking appointment and we don't have it yet. Martin did speak to her and say we'd pay it in February but I HATE being behind and have been worrying about it non-stop since I realised. I was hoping we would have the money to pay her but no work has come in recently so we're skint until the next invoice is paid in Feb.

It's Raistlin's birthday on Saturday too and I'm not sure we have any money to even get him a present. We really want to get him a bike as he so badly wants to be like Tristan and Jaeven but I just don't think we can afford it. I have no idea what we're going to do about paying for my scan next week. I'm kind of hoping Martin has done what he normally does and has got money coming in he hasn't told me about - we don't often speak about money because frankly, I hate shopping so never really need any and he deals with all the bills and food shopping etc so there's never a need for me to know about money.

I suppose that's stupid cos it means I worry sometimes but I know it stresses Martin out talking about finances with me. I just hope he's got a plan for all that we've got to pay for over the next week or so.

I can't wait to see my midwife though... I know that she will be taking at least one set of bloods, so that's a downside but it's all for a good reason. Not really looking forward to going over my pregnancy history. I try to blot most of it out so dates and things are a bit sketchy for me these days, for instance I can't remember when some of my miscarriages occured... Others I can remember down to the day but some I can only remember roughly which month and year. As for times and weights the boys were born at... Erm... Pass. I can't remember the times they were born.... I think Tristan was just gone 2am, Jaeven was just gone 7pm, Raistlin was around 3am and Ashton was just gone 2am... But I can't really remember. I suppose that's really bad of me.... Sad Actually now I think of it I can remember how much they weighed... Tristan was 8lbs2oz, JJ was 7lbs, Raistlin was 7lbs6oz (or maybe 5oz?) and Ashton was 7lbs9oz I think....

Oh God that's really bad.... I'm supposed to remember this stuff aren't I? Isn't that the kind of stuff you're not supposed to forget? Ever!

Ho-hum. Never mind, I'll just have to try and dig out all the old paperwork. Or what there is left of it after the two older boys found it a few years ago. :-? LOL I suppose this just makes me sound worse now! Maybe I should shut up!

I've got another Physio appointment on the 9th Feb I think... So next week is a busy week. I've got a scan on Tuesday, a scan on Wednesday when hopefully we'll be able to find out what we're having (fingers crossed!), then a physio on the Friday and sometime in all of that I've got a meeting with my Doula, Sue!

Busy, busy, busy!

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Joined: 10/25/01
Posts: 1335

11weeks and 4days!

Well, I saw the midwife yesterday, it was good fun! Because it was a booking in appointment we had to go over all my past history and pregnancy history... Painful, but meh, it needed to be done. Took 3 whole hours though!!!!

She took my blood as well for various things, including my NT scan next week to check for the possibility of Downs. My blood pressure was good as well at 105/75 and we heard the baby's heart beating away on the doppler for the first time - apparently it was going at 160bpm! Healthy little thing!

She gave me a ton of leaflets and info, which I took and have read all through... Lots of cool stuff in there!

My next appointment to see her is on the 27th Feb, so 4 weeks from now! Smile

I don't know how much I'm going to be able to write next week as things are very hectic. I've got a scan on Tuesday and my NT scan on Wednesday (please baby have your legs open so we can see!!!), I meet my doula for the first time on Thursday and I have a physio appointment on Friday.... I don't think I've ever had a week so full of appointments during a pregnancy before!

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Joined: 10/25/01
Posts: 1335

12weeks and 2days!

I'm almost into the 2nd trimester! How exciting!

Raistlin turned three yesterday. It doesn't seem like three years since Raistlin was born - especially after all the struggling to actually have him at all... That's all a distant memory now, I barely remember it! He's so cute though, he was worth every bad moment and every miscarriage I had to go through. I wouldn't change what happened now, because if I did I wouldn't have such a special little boy!

I can't believe he's three though!!! Wow!

Nothing much is going on here. My pelvis is agony... I can't do the exercises I was given anymore, and I can't go on the ball as it makes my back ache too... I haven't really moved much today at all, and hope not to have too either!

I've got my 12 weeks NHS Dating scan tomorrow. I don't really care if they change my EDD or not. I have a gut feeling my dates are better then their's so I won't change my EDD whatever they say.

Then I've got another scan on Wednesday to check for Downs Syndrome. I hope that one goes OK.... Sad

Anyway... I'm extremely busy with work so better get on.... Sad

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Joined: 10/25/01
Posts: 1335

12weeks and 3days / 12weeks and 6days!

OK, so I had my scan today... OMG it was really lovely, even if the stupid sonographer only spent about 90 seconds on it. They were pissy with me because I had an independent midwife at the desk and didn't have the standard NHS green notes... They fussed and fumed over the fact they didn't know where to enter stuff, then spent all of 90 seconds on my scan. Of which she waved the transducer over my stomach said "there's head, body, arm, leg. Want a picture? £2 or £5 one?" And that was it.... :roll: Apparently I am measuring at 12weeks and 6days - but they didn't change my EDD??? So Idon't know.... Do I say I am 12wk3d or 12w6d?! I don't think it really matters to be honest. Babies come when they come. Not earlier and not later.

At anyrate, I enjoyed the picture once we left. I haven't been able to stop looking at it. It's actually not a great picture... Babybond do so much better and are actually friendly (even though they must be sick of the sight of us by now!)... And besides, Jan is THE BEST sonographer (I think that's what she is!) I have ever seen in my whole life. Seriousely, nobody is more accurate then her in my experience. That woman deserves a medal for her work!

I am nervous about tomorrow. The scan today didn't even look at my precious baby, just measured crown to rump and that was it.... Tomorrow is the big one. Are we at risk of downs syndrome? I don't know. My age is with us I guess.... But then the fact I don't take supplements such as folic acid etc is against us... I just hope baby is fine and healthy.

I won't bother posting my scan from today, it's not worth it... But I will scan tomorrow's pictures and post those!

To my precious baby, I was so pleased to see you today. You don't know how special you are to us already. You looked so healthy and perfect, I hope you are as healthy and perfect tomorrow for the big scan. At any rate your safe with us. We spoke about this in the last few weeks and we have decided that no matter what happens, whether you're sick or healthy, we love you and there is NO CONDITION that could bring us to end our time with you before it's meant to end. We just love you too much already. I can't even stand to think about something being wrong. :cry:

At anyrate, I am so excited to see you tomorrow. You are so precious to us already. Raistlin was so excited in the scanning room today, and Tristan and Jaeven came bursting through the front door after school asking to see your photo from today! Ashton behaved like an Angel too and watched you on the screen.

Stay safe little one. We'll see you tomorrow!

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Joined: 10/25/01
Posts: 1335

12weeks and 5days;

Yesterday was traumatic... About 3am I woke up and couldn't get back to sleep. That's really unusual, normally I can't stay awake at the moment and yesterday I couldn't get back to sleep. Anyway, I got up around 3:30am and went to the loo to find I was bleeding bright red blood. Very scary. I sat up for the rest of the night crying.

Must admit that it never even occured to me to check for a heartbeat with my doppler until 9am. :roll: Anyway, when I did check the heartbeat was right there, fine and healthy and active - you could even hear baby moving around!

Anyway, we went for my NT scan... And as soon as she put the transducer on my stomach we could see baby bouncing around, obviousely nice and healthy and very active. The sonographer even had trouble getting the measurements she needed because baby wouldn't stop!!! Anyway, she then had a look around to see if there was a reason for the bleeding and found that I have a haemorrhage under the placenta, the baby was bouncing on it which is probably what caused it to come away. So, shouldn't be a problem but there is still blood there that is likely to come away at some point and when it does she recommended going down the hospital and having a scan just to check it isn't an ongoing bleed.

Oh, and we found out what we're having!!! Biggrin

I think I'm in shock because I hadn't really expected to find out that early. We're going for another scan in just under two weeks just to confirm but it looked pretty much like baby was what we think baby is.

Anyway, I'm in shock. Don't really know what I feel right now. I don't feel excited, don't particularly feel anything. I expected to be either disappointed or excited one way or the other and it's neither. :-? Odd. Very odd.

I want to rest today but I think Martin is going to make that difficult. He's already throwing a tantrum because I said he shouldn't go out in the car in this snow just to get a sled for the kids. :roll: Having him around is seriousely like having an extra annoying child most of the time, I swear.

To my Precious Little One,

You gave me something of a scare yesterday, but I'm so glad you're obviousely doing so well! You keep measuring ahead of where you should be - which I also take as a good sign! It was fun watching you yesterday, sucking your thumbs, bouncing up and down, stretching and kicking. I think you must be shy though, as you kept turning your head away from us!

It was so nice to finally find out whether we need to argue over boys names or finally get to use a girls name for you! I'm still in shock though and don't really know how to feel. Either way it didn't matter what you were - you are so special to us already and we love you so much. I was showing Tristan your photo's from yesterday and he guessed... He's so excited, although I must admit I didn't confirm or deny - I want to wait until the next scan on the 19th when we confirm that you are what you appear to be before I tell your brothers.

Stay safe little one!

Sarah-Jean's picture
Joined: 10/25/01
Posts: 1335

13weeks and 1day!

I can't believe I'm in the 2nd trimester now. Seems odd, very odd to have got past the first hurdle of pregnancy!

I went to see my physio on Friday. Hardly seemed worth the journey to be honest, lovely girl but I'm not in too much pain right now unless I push myself too far, and the exercises just make things worse...

Anyway, I swear I've been feeling little movements recently. Kind of like bubbles and flutterings. Very exciting I suppose but I prefer the obvious movements like kicking and stuff, just doesn't seem real when it's just little bubbles and flutterings.

Only 7 more days to go until we have the gender confirmed - how exciting! I went window shopping the other day, it was odd. Normally I can go window shopping and look at both clothes for boys and girls, but this time I just kind of wondered around the shops in a daze... I don't know why it's so difficult to get my head around what we're having, I try to tell myself each day to refer to baby by it's name and it's just not easy - I can't get my head around it.

Oh, and now Martin has decided we're moving again. :roll: This'll be the third pregnancy I'll have moved house during - all during the later stages. It's kind of annoying and stressful. But ho-hum... Lol

I'd best be off... I've got a house full of sick kids at the moment and Martin is being stressy.

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Joined: 10/25/01
Posts: 1335

14 weeks and 1 day;

Well, I've got my next scan tomorrow. I'm excited but not nearly as excited as the fact we've decided to move and have found our dream house! We're putting in our offer on it tomorrow and hoping they'll accept it and we can get our house on the market and sell it ASAP.... Fingers crossed it will all work out as it's perfect for our family! Seven bedrooms, kitchen, breakfast room, dinng room, office, - the works! Everything we could possibly need and a few extra rooms! In a really posh area as well.

It pushes our budget a LOT... But we're sure we can manage it if we try hard and work hard!

Please, please, please, please let this work out!!!!!

As for pregnancy... Everything is great! Baby seems to be doing well, I am getting fatter by the hour, the boys are getting ever more excited... They're coming to our scan tomorrow and so excited. This is the first scan they'll have been to this pregnancy so it'll be great for them to find out at the same time as us what gender this little bundle is going to be for definate. I bought some designer clothes for this baby last week, so I really hope it's what we think it is otherwise I've just wasted a lot of money!!!!

Ho-hum.... I'll post tomorrow with an update!

I don't know how long I can keep things secret about the gender... So tomorrow I'll probably be blurting it out all over the place!!!!

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Joined: 10/25/01
Posts: 1335

Ten little fingers...

Ten little toes...

Who is this little person...?

Why, it's Miss. Lacey Rose!!!

Ladies & Gentlemen,

May I present to you Miss Lacey Rose Hosier!



Sarah-Jean's picture
Joined: 10/25/01
Posts: 1335

14weeks and 3days!

OK.... I am FINALLY getting excited now!! I can't help feeling like I've finally got the "perfect" family. That probably sounds wrong but I don't care... What more could I ask for?! Four strapping boys and a beautiful baby girl! Now all we need is that perfect house and our lives will finally be complete!

It sounds odd saying we're having a girl though... Everyone just expects we'll have a boy after four boys so I think a lot of people are as shocked that this precious baby is a girl as we are!!!

I just don't know what to say. I can't believe my family is so perfect! I can't believe the boys are so excited! I was expecting to be told yesterday that they could see boy bits... I mean they told me at 12weeks and 4days that sh was a she but I didn't really, truely believe it... I think the lady from BabyBond thought I was ungrateful or something as I didn't say much and didn't seem very pleased about it, but I just didn't know what to say. I was expecting boy bits - and there aren't any!!!

Perfect, perfect, perfect! I never really believed I'd ever have a little girl... And all those people who said I'm like my Gran were right. My Granny had four girls and then a boy and then two more girls... I think I'll stop here though!!! Martin keeps saying we shouldn't completely put the lid on having more children, but I just don't want too... I've got what I wanted and I can't imagine things ever being better then they are right now!

To my beautiful Miss. Lacey Rose, I can't believe it!!! Woohooo!!!!! We bought you a little designer dress the other day... I never believed it would get used but it's so exciting!!! Daddy is promising you only the best right now... And your older brothers, who never doubted you were finally going to be their little sister, won't stop talking about you! We're all very excited... You're going to be one lucky little girl and very loved - especially by your older brothers!!! Tristan's already said he's going to take you dipping for newts when you're older. I'm hoping you're going to be a girlie girl, but I'm sure he'll still persuade you!!!
Stay safe little one!

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Joined: 10/25/01
Posts: 1335

15weeks and 4days;

I saw my midwife again yesterday. Fantastic lady! Everything is great, she took Lacey Rose's heartbeat and Lacey Rose was kicking the transducer - so cute!

My BP is great too at 90/74... At my last appointment is was 105/75!

We discussed my birth options. I don't want TENS, or drugs. Just entonox and my birth pool and my own self hypnotism! I have also decided to go for a physiological third stage for the first time ever. Bit nervous as I've hear it can take hours but I don't suppose it really matters, but as others have said - seems a bit of a shame to do everything naturally and then have artificial drugs for the last bit so the placenta will just have to come when it comes!!! We also agreed she's not going to cut the cord until the placenta is delivered unless it really needs to be done - which means nobody else can hold my little princess until she's completely seperated from me!

I've also decided against having a doula for now. We also discussed whether to do the Vitamin K injection... I did it with all the others but was never sure it was worth it and don't know what the possible side effects are so next time she's bringing me a ton of information on it!

Oh, and she wrote a note in my notes saying that I needed extra support to maintain my supply for breastfeeding. I'm pretty sure I have some serious supply issues from past experience. So that's reassuring.

I haven't felt Lacey Rose move much yet. I felt her yesterday when the doppler was on my stomach and she was kicking against it, but that was it.

I keep having really unsettling dreams about tsunami's and giant waves. So I haven't been sleeping well recently as it's almost every night. Not sure what the symbolism of that it - I always survive the waves but they keep coming. I'm in a city and it's just wave upon wave, getting bigger each and every time. I survive them (just!) but most of the people around me do not... It's horrid, I hate dreaming about it. So I've been trying not to sleep recently - not that I can stop sleeping as I'm shattered constantly.

Oh, my blood test results all came back normal... I thought my Iron levels might be low because I'm lacking so much energy but apparently they're really, REALLY good! They were when I had Ashton too so not to surprised!

Oh, I had protein in my urine.

And I've been suffering really bad stomach pains. My uterus is really tender, just to touch let alone move around. Not sure why but it seems to be that way this time around.

I was supposed to be going to do all my shopping at the Baby Show next Friday but we don't have any money at the moment so I guess that's off now. Sad So upset as I've always wanted to go there and never been able to and I really thought this time I would get the chance.

Oh well! All is well so no complaints here!

I'm going to start on Lacey Rose's nursery this weekend... I'll take pics if I can find a working camera in this house. :roll:

To my precious Lacey Rose, I hope you're growing well and keeping safe and healthy and I can't wait to finally start feeling you wiggling around in a few weeks!

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Joined: 10/25/01
Posts: 1335

17weeks today!

I haven't been very good at updating this recently. To be honest, I haven't really felt in the mood... I'm not feeling too great at the moment. Blinding headaches and fatigue are battering me!

Miss. Lacey Rose hasn't been very active recently. I rarely feel her move. It's strange because with the boys I always felt them moving quite a bit by now and this time it's just like a waiting game wondering if she's OK or not. I wish I hadn't turned down that blinkin' test for Spina Bifida now, but at the time I figured we'd see it at the next scan anyway.

I'm a bit fed up to be honest. Not with the pregnancy just with life in general. I saw my Physio just over a week ago and she discharged me! WTF? Did I miss something? Now I'm in pain again, and life just seems a bit shite and I'm kind of wondering what to do with myself.

I've got a need for some matrnity stuff and no cash to go and buy anything. I've not bought a single item of baby stuff either. Martin has but I haven't been allowed.

I was really pinning all my hopes on going to the Baby Show yesterday. I've wanted to go ever since I was pregnant with Tristan and there was always an excuse why we couldn't... He promised me this time that I would be allowed and lo and behold I haven't been. Bit pissed off really but what did I expect. He never sticks to his promises. Barely bothers to make an effort with anything these days. I'm sick to death of hearing his constant whinging at the moment... :cry:

Just really fed up. I want to run away and pretend my life doesn't exist right now... I need a holiday or a break or a chance to just relax and not have to do anything. I can't ever shut off, not even for a minute.

Just really fed up. I feel slightly depressed right now. Spend most of my time crying, I just feel so tired all the time. I have constant headaches... Yesterday it was so bad that I couldn't see properly. My vision went blurred for awhile. And of course Martin does his thing he does, where every two minutes he asks me what's wrong, then ignores me and makes me carry on doing whatever it was he wanted me to do, then complains because I'm not quick enough, lively enough, enthusiastic enough etc etc... Then two minutes later again asks me what the fuck is wrong.

I need a break. Sad Just don't feel good at all.

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Joined: 10/25/01
Posts: 1335

17weeks and 2days.

Fuck this I give up. Tomorrow I am going to lie in bed, ignore the kids, all the work I have to do, and do nothing. I can't be arsed anymore with my life so I'm not going to bother like certain other people I could mention but won't.

I just can't be arsed. And you know what, to make myself feel better I'm going to go and spend some bloody money and do some shopping online. Fuck him. If he doesn't like it he can go swing for all I care these days.

I'm sick to death of being supportive and never getting anything back in return.

And I'm booking someone to come in after the birth to help me, cos let's face it past experience tells me he'd rather see me starving and dehydrated then help me out.

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Joined: 10/25/01
Posts: 1335

17weeks and 6days.

Well a few hours after my last post Martin's wonderful Nan passed away. She was such a lovely person, so full of life and only aged 84.... :cry: So dreadful, it was like loosing my Gran all over again because I loved Rosina so much. I think she thought of me fairly highly too... At least I hope she did. She was always telling me how beautiful I am, how much she appreciated me and Martin helping her when we could, she told me I was her second favourite relative after Martin and apparently in the hours before she died she kept asking for me and calling the nurses Sarah....

I suppose that should be comforting but it's not... Makes me feel even worse. I don't know how Martin feels. He just seems to have carried on as normal.

I'm just glad we decided to tell her we were having a girl and naming Lacey Rose after her... :cry:

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Joined: 10/25/01
Posts: 1335

I'm leaving. I can't deal with my life right now, or the negative feelings I seem to constantly suffer from so I'm signing off the 'net for the main part.

I can't describe what's going on or how I feel, I just need to get away from everything, including the internet.

Thank you to everyone who has been there for me in the years I've been here.


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Joined: 10/25/01
Posts: 1335

23weeks and 6days

So I'm back. I feel a bit better now I took a few weeks out. Lost a friend or two along the way but not overly bothered. If they'd been good friends they'd have understood what was happening and put up with me as I would have done if it was them.

Anyway, I'm not going to post up my journal entries between then and now as they're too depressing and it's just not worth some snot nosed jobsworth getting their oar in and bringing up all the ill feelings again.

Everything here is fine. The last two days I've actually enjoyed being pregnant. Don't know why as I've not really acted pregnant at all. No shopping, no relaxing, no pampering, no paying any real attention to it and now I've got to work during my pregnancy too. A bit bummed out about that really as I always imagined my last pregnancy would be all about relaxing and pampering and shopping. I'd have never imagined it'd be as stressful as this. Sad

Oh well, I'll write it off as yet another pregnancy I won't get to enjoy very much. Why change the habit of a lifetime eh?! LOL

Everything health wise appears fine. My blood pressure was up a bit at my last appointment. I had traces of protein and sugar in my urine and my stomach and pelvis is really sore these days... But other then that she is fine and healthy - growing really well. She loves Raistlin already! LOL It's so cute. He comes up twice a day and prods my stomach until she kicks back and then sits there talking to her and kissing my belly.

I'm just trying to find some cheap birth video's on Ebay. JJ is insistant he is there at the birth even if it's in the middle of the night. Raistlin is too. Tristan has said if he is asleep he doesn't want to be woken up but I just want to refresh their memories as to what happens during a birth and what it looks like BEFORE we get too close to it!

So yeah. I'm not back on all the boards I used to go too. Frankly I just can't be bothered with the dial up connection. It makes surfing on pg.org really difficult. But hopefully I'll get broadband back sometime this century and then I'll be fully back.

Sarah-Jean's picture
Joined: 10/25/01
Posts: 1335

24weeks today!

I can't believe how quickly and yet how slowly this pregnancy is going by.... Seems like a million years and yet only yesterday since I first found out I was pregnant!

My brother phoned this morning and asked if he could babysit the boys today... We were a bit shocked as nobody ever asks to have them really. Well, they do but they don't actually phone up with a date! Then a few hours later he phones and says he's going to do a BBQ for them tonight and can they stay for the night!


We are just tidying out what will become Miss Lacey Rose's nursery/bedroom... I really need to start getting stuff ready. My hips are getting worse by the day and if I don't get it done in the next few weeks I don't think it'll get done. Sad This pregnancy hasn't been the relaxing, pampering, shopping filled dream I wished for - but I'll be damned if I don't at least get a bedroom with baby stuff this time around.

I keep kind of harping on about it - but I really am disappointed. Martin promised me a wonderful pregnancy and so far it's been nothing but stress and anger.

Anyway.... I have been thinking about ways I can entertain the kids whilst I'm in labour - assuming they're actually awake this time! I'm going to get a box for each of them and fill it with little treats and presents. And everytime they get a bit fractious I'm going to get my Mum to dig in and find a "present" for them. New things always seem to keep the kids amused for a short while. I'm also going to get a little paddlng pool that can go on the patio so they can have their own "pool" like Mummy. And assuming it's during the day I think other then that I might just open the back doors and let them roam free!

I'm hoping Rachell will be there as she can deal with the kids. Martin wants to focus on me apparently. Not sure what that means exactly but he said this time he doesn't care what happens or what needs to be done he's staying with me and not leaving the room.

I can't believe I'm having to work this time around... Hopefully it'll bring in the extra cash we need though and so I can start doing the things I want to do. The things Martin always promised to do for me or buy me and never did in all of my five pregnancies. I'll do them for myself then. Biggrin

It's not even easy work. And I won't get maternity leave in all probability because it's kind of my own business and the money isn't there for me to take "paid leave". So I'm going to be walking around factories and other hazardous area's taking measurements etc etc and writing up reports. But I can't complain as I'll be getting £500 a day roughly for it..! Plus it uses technology I happen to LOVE and find absolutely fascinating.

I've also been working as a cat sitter. Although I don't have anymore work along those lines until June/July time I don't think.

Anyway. Hopefully Martin is on his way back, having dropped the sprogs off with Phil... And we can crack on with clearing the nursery. I'm going to take before and after pics as well and if I get the chance I might go down to the DIY shop and buy some tester paints. I think they're only about £1 each? Not sure.... I have changed my mind on the theme in Lacey Rose's room. I can't afford my dream Unicorn theme anymore, so now I've changed it to the much cheaper Butterflies and Fairies theme. Bit sad about it but never mind. Butterflies and Fairies just aren't the same as Unicorns but I suppose they're close enough and a lot cheaper to do so I don't really mind!

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Joined: 10/25/01
Posts: 1335

24weeks and 3days;

Gah! The pain! The pain!!!!

OK, so maybe not that bad, but my hips and pelvis are agony. I've pushed myself too far recently and now I can barely walk to the bathroom let alone do anything else... Sad

I contacted my midwife today to see if she can do the referral back to the physio for me but I don't know how long that will take. I doubt I could get down to the Drs even if I wanted too and I doubt that would be any quicker anyway. Sad

My pelvis at the front feels like it's cracked in half, particularly on the right side. My hips are constantly moving around in their sockets, and crunching bone against bone and my back is so painful I can barely move. Sad

Damn... I thought because I'd done so well this far in, I might escape it getting too bad. As it is I'm now virtually house bound again. It's just too painful to move.

So, I guess this means all my hopes of the Baby Show and shopping are gone for now, even if I had any money to do it. Sad It only gets worse from here on in.

I've been "cheering" myself up by going onto sites like Mothercare and Babies-R-Us and making gift lists of all the stuff I'll need. So just incase I can't go shopping I can at least order the stuff online and have it all right there rather then having to search it out.

My stomach is really irritated at the moment... I keep having really strong and painful braxton hicks and my stomach is really jippy in general. Sad

Ah the joys of being pregnant!!! LOL

Ho-hum. I don't mind really. I can make the best of a bad situation with the rest of 'em. At least I'm not in hospital or on permenant bedrest I suppose!

Oh God. And I waddle now when I walk. I never really did before in any of my other pregnancies, well not that I noticed at any rate. But the pain is so bad to walk I end up waddling like a penguin!!! LMAO It's probably a really funny sight, if it wasn't so gross cos you can hear all my bones scraping together!!!! Lol

Oh, I found the buggy I want. It's a new Mama's & Papa's one, costs £130 plus £15 for the removable seat cover which is sooo funky I have to have it! It's so new though that they don't even have it up on their website yet... It's very girlie though - so can't wait to buy it!!!!!

Ho-hum... Anyway, I smell a smelly Ashton so I guess I better go and prod Martin into changing him!!! Lol Ahhh I bet he'll love that! :twisted: Mwahahahahaha!

And to my Little Miss. Lacey Rose... I'm glad you're healthy and growing well, but I swear you're suddenly a lot bigger this past week or so! I get the feeling you're going to be one chubby little madam at this rate!!!! Smile

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Joined: 10/25/01
Posts: 1335

24weeks and 4days;

I don't feel well today at all. Sad My SPD is really playing up and I'm really irritable today. I almost didn't get up this morning I didn't feel very well, but there was little point in staying in bed as every two minutes Martin kept letting Ashton come upstairs. :roll:

And apart from that I just feel "off". I'm tired, hungry and no matter what I eat I'm still hungry, I'm thirsty but my thirst doesn't go when I drink and I've got horrible cravings for sugar and marmite. I feel quite dizzy today as well on top of all that.

Sigh... Busy day tomorrow too. I'm going to be on the go none stop when all I want to do is stay in bed. Martin would kick up a fuss though if I said I needed to stay in bed. Apparently sick and pregnant ladies can just carry on as per normal. :roll:

I'm going to go over to my Mums on Friday and reinstall her computer just for the peace and quiet I reckon, assuming she still wants me too and Martin doesn't kick off as per normal.

God my stomach hurts today.... Sad

Miss. Lacey Rose, stop torturing me now please!!! Biggrin

Sarah-Jean's picture
Joined: 10/25/01
Posts: 1335

25weeks - 15weeks to go / 105 days to go. :shock:

I've been having a lot of self doubt recently. ABout my health and stuff.

I posted on the Birthing Naturally board trying to get rid of some of these fears but it's not really worked so far.

Here's what I posted!

I've been contemplating posting here a long time now and never had the guts as it seems wrong for me to post here. I mean, my last home water birth was perfect, just the way I wanted it to be... There was no real stress, nothing went wrong. It was THE perfect birth I'd been pining for throughout all of my previous pregnancies...

My problem lies with what happened afterwards and the care I recieved afterwards. Not the birth itself.

Is that really stupid? Probably is, I don't know. Especially when you consider this was over a year ago now. But it's affecting the way I feel about my upcoming home water birth. I WANT that same birth experience, but I'm terrified I'll be left to rot like I was last time.

I can't even really describe what was wrong. I just didn't feel supported by anyone, not my DH, not the midwives, nobody cared for me.

My first memories of the night after my little Ashton was born was of virtually passing out from being tired on the sofa... Waking in the early hours of the morning calling for my DH who was on the sofa opposite me to help me get to the bathroom as I needed a bath (had flooded and hadn't had a bath or wash since the birth). He didn't help me up the stairs, I had to run my own bath, I fell into it and hurt myself... Then after I'd had a quick wash I found I couldn't move much and spent the next 3 hours calling for my DH to come and help me. He never did. I was left in freezing cold, dirty water just hours after giving birth.

Then in the following days I was very weak. I was never given an opportunity to rest after any of my births, but I thought having a homebirth would make things different, and then when I got the womb infection I was so ill I couldn't get out of bed. Nobody bought me anything to drink, or eat. I was lucky if I got two small glasses of drink a day and lucky if I got one full meal. I was trying desperately to breastfeed during this time - something I'd never managed before... Then I got thrush as well and when I was crying in the middle of the night in pain from breastfeeding I was told to stop fussing or I'd wake the other kids...

Then a few weeks after I'd given birth (maybe 6-8 at best) I was still struggling through the breastfeeding and was told I'd have to leave my baby for 3 days to go and help with an exhibition he was doing. I wasn't allowed to take a breast pump and I tried in vain for over a week to pump enough to leave. It wasn't enough and I got a call part way through the day saying they'd had to buy formula.

By this time my supply was seriousely dwindling. And I got no support whilst trying to re-establish it... Then my infection came back and by the time I was allowed to rest I was quite seriousely ill. I was hallucinating, fitting, throwing up, unable to eat or drink. One night it was too much and I asked DH to give him a bottle of formula, he complained bitterly at being woken during the night, and insisted I breastfeed even though I was unable to safely hold the baby due to shaking and dizziness...

By the next day I was much worse and was unable to feed him... I told DH point blank he needed to give the baby formula, which he did and basically by that evening my supply seemed to have dried up. I was unable to hand express, baby was unable to get anything and it never came back despite my best efforts.

Now don't get me wrong. My DH isn't a bad man. He'll normally do anything for me - I only have to ask... So why oh why didn't he support me when I needed it most. It was sooo important to me and I felt like I'd been left to rot, completely unsupported.

I am now terrified he'll do it again... Except this time I'll have five children to look after and it's making me question whether I should go ahead with a homebirth or not, despite the fact I really want too. I mean it wasn't much different with my hospital births, he just assumed now baby was out everything was back to normal, except with DS3 I managed to convince the hospital to let me stay in a few days afterwards so I got a couple of days of rest...

I don't really know why I feel so bad. Over a year later, surely I should be over this and have forgiven him. But it feels like he let me down when I needed him most and it makes me wonder/worry about what will happen this time around.

Anyway, just needed to unload all this. Thanks for giving me a place to do so....


Thanks for the reply! I have spoken to him about it on numerous occasions. At first it used to escalate into arguements that ended with me crying and him upset and annoyed saying he had helped me. Now whenever I mention it I still end up crying and he says he'll do better next time.

Problem is I can't believe him. I feel like the trust is gone now. And everytime I try to give him the benefit of the doubt he let's me down again. For instance I am currently suffering badly from hip and pelvic pain due to my SPD and I really need to rest - but he never gives me the opportunity and he doesn't help me much at all. Just wanders along in his own little world and leaves me to get on with things. Like today, I told him I was struggling and would need help. I got one cup of tea between the time I woke up at 7am and just gone 3pm and nothing else. No food, nothing else to drink - just that one cup of tea. Then he expected me to be really pleased when he FINALLY bought me something to eat - 2 hours after I told him I was literally starving and had to eat cos I was feeling faint.

Unfortunately, unless I go for a hospital birth I have no-one else. My Mum can't come over daily just to look after me and I have no friends close enough to help out either. My midwife will visit me for a month after the birth, but not everyday and then it's only really to check I am OK healthwise....

I'm beginning to doubt I can do another homebirth. The stress of worrying about how I will cope afterwards is beginning to really get to me... I just can't trust or rely on the one person I'm supposed to be able too - even now before I really need it and it's not like he's working or anything, there is no excuse for why he hasn't been helping me recently.

I dunno. I suppose I'll sort it out - I normally do! But it's nice to get it off my chest!

Thanks for letting me do that!

I still don't feel very confident with the idea of having him "caring" for me afterwards. It just doesn't sit well - he didn't do it last time, he hasn't done it recently much and he didn't even have any work so why didn't he?! If he can't do it then, or now, how can I trust him to look after me after I've given birth?

I dunno.... Suppose I'll figure something out.

Sarah-Jean's picture
Joined: 10/25/01
Posts: 1335

Posted: Mon May 07, 2007 1:57 pm Post subject:


25weeks and 2days;

Right, we have decided thanks to some wonderful advice, that we are going to sit down and make a list of the things that I will not be able to do so Martin will have to take over, once the baby is born and exactly what I'd like to happen and how...

I don't think Martin ever really knew what was expected of him after I'd had the others, so this time we've decided to make sure he knows! He seems to think if he has a list he'll stick to it.

So I am feeling much happier about that now!

God I can't believe I'm 25weeks and still have bought virtually nothing. I mean I know babies don't really need anything much, but I haven't even got enough clothes, no nappies, no maternity pads or breastpads... I'm completely unprepared for me, for the birth, for the baby.

I'm going to have to do all my shopping online now though I think or through catalogues, as I can't walk for very long and find it too painful to leave the house much. But I don't really mind. I'm a bit sad that this means I won't get to do all the girlie shopping I always thought I'd be able to do, but at this rate I'll be happy if I manage to get the bare essentials! I've got years and years of shopping to look forward to anyway, so it doesn't really matter that much.

Only thing I really want this time is a photo session. I have no pictures of me pregnant this time, and no nice pictures of me pregnant at all... So as this is probably my last I want some proper photo's. I've found where I want to get it done, it's £250 for the shoot (incl make-over I think) and then you buy the rest as added extra's... I just hope we manage to find the money for me to have it done.

I have given up on the Baby Show and let go of that completely. I can't afford to go and I can't walk round the exhibition all day, and I don't want to be pushed around in a wheelchair so there's really no option and no point dwelling on it anymore.

Martin has been wonderful today... He got up at the crack of dawn whilst everyone was still asleep and started touching up the paintwork around the house, then he changed the living room around and has tidied. He just had our neighbour over to take the 3 seater upstairs to Tristan and JJs room so they can have somewhere to lounge with friends! I bought tester pots for the bedrooms the other day... Tristan and JJ say they want deep red and blue walls. Raistlin and Ashton are having blue as their room is being themed to Thomas the Tank Engine, and I bought a lovely pink colour for Lacey Rose's room!

So all in all, things are coming together. Slowly but surely!

Oh and I did at least buy an outfit she can wear straight after the birth. I have three vests, a sleepsuit, a hat, scratch mits and some socks. So we do at least have an outfit for her to wear for the first day or so! It's ever so small and cute... I can't believe she'll probably be too small for it at first!

I'm beginning to get excited now... I should just stop stressing over stuff I can't control and enjoy what I can. Just sorry it's taken me this long to figure that out!

Sarah-Jean's picture
Joined: 10/25/01
Posts: 1335

25weeks and 3days;

Things are OK here... I've been having pains on and off though in my stomach and back and my hips are really playing up so I can't walk more then a few steps at a time.

I keep trying to talk to Martin about stuff, but he just changes the subject. Then he complains when I spend all day here and gets upset when I tell him I have to get support somewhere and this is the best place as someone will always listen to me and give me their advice or opinions or just a virtual hug.

I was trying to talk to him today about this list thingie... I don't know what to put on it, all the stuff I could write down seems pretty obvious to me... Stuff like he has to make sure we all have three square meals a day, and he brings me something to drink every couple of hours if I can't get it myself... That just seems like common sense but I don't want to write it down incase he strops off again or thinks I think he's thick. But then he won't contribute so far either so what do I do?

Aw bless him, he is trying a bit more now though. He makes me tea and brings me food and drinks and tells me to sit down whenever I get up to do something... And he spent ages yesterday rubbing my back when I was getting pains whilst I was leaning on my rocking footstool and rocking backwards and forwards to try and get rid of the pain.

Miss. Lacey Rose is moving strangely today. Don't really know what to think of it. It feels like she's having a fit inside of me sometimes. I ache all over and feel extremely tired today too so maybe that's why... I almost fell asleep three times at the chair today. Sad

Can't wait to see my midwife again. I just want to know if there's something wrong or not. I kind of feel like something isn't right. At this point in time I really don't think I'll get my homebirth - something feels wrong but I can't describe what. Infact I'm still saying I'm having a homebirth but I don't really feel like I will if that makes sense? I just can't help but shake the feeling that something is really wrong and I'll need to be in hospital.

Mind you I kind of felt that way with Ashton and it was OK... Except for the true knot in his cord. That could have been fatal from what I've heard but unfortunately there was no way to know about it beforehand I don't think.

Maybe I'm just being pessimistic this time around. I don't feel pessimistic though, or depressed or down or anything really. I feel quite happy. Bit stressed but other then that fine, so no real reason for me to be pessimistic about things.

Well, I guess we'll just have to wait and see how things go!

Miss. Lacey Rose you'd better behave yourself in there! And stay healthy!!!

Sarah-Jean's picture
Joined: 10/25/01
Posts: 1335

25weeks and 4days;

I am not feeling well today at all. My chest feels really sore and I can't breath properly. I keep having painful BH as well and my head is pounding and I just feel really tired and fed up...

Argh! So frustrating!!! Why can't I ever just be healthy?! Lol

I think this is definately it for now though... My body is obviousely struggling now quite a bit... I can't do this to myself again anytime soon....

Ashton had jabs yesterday, poor little thing... He's sick today with a cold, so maybe I've caught his cold. Blinkin' poison dwarf! Lol

Miss. Lacey Rose has been busy today! She's doing those movements that feel like she's having a fit again today and kicking and prodding a lot.

Oh, and I've got terrible cravings for marmite now... :-? That's a new one on me! Martin says marmite is full of folic acid and yeast so my body must be lacking those... I don't mind though either way, I love marmite!!! Biggrin

I was contemplating going to bed now as I feel so bad... But not sure it's worth it as the kids will no doubt have a friend over and they'll all make a ton of noise and come tramping into the bedroom just as I start dozing off! LOL Gotta love their timing!

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Joined: 10/25/01
Posts: 1335

25weeks and 6days;

I'm feeling a bit crappy today... Nothing as such is wrong it's just money as per seems to be our normal concern.

Yet again we haven't had any rent money. I've told Martin that despite the fact he's my brother if he doesn't pay at least one full months rent by the last day of May, he'll need to leave the house by the 1st of next month. We just can't afford this anymore and it's stressing us both out to the point we're becoming useless at running our own lives.

So that's it. Martin I believe, is telling him today that he has to pay up at least a months rent or get out by June 1st.

I was supposed to be having a bonding scan next week... I haven't really had one this time around, by now with all the boys I'd had two or three. Sad I've got no DVDs of my little princess before she was born and now is the ideal time for 4D photo's.

I suppose I'm just a bit angry. My brother is really ignorant and slow. I actually believe he's slightly backwards. He should have/could have sorted this mess out weeks/months ago and he was just too damned stupid and lazy to do it and now he's left me with no alternative but to evict him and horribly in debt with my credit rating ruined.

Anyway, today is not a good day at all emotionally. I'm fuming to say the least. I told Martin a week ago that he wouldn't have sorted it out and we wouldn't be getting a penny from him. I don't believe we'll get anything at all this month and of course, he's put all of us in a really ackward position - even my poor Mum is suffering as she's stuck between wanting to support us both.

Anyway, Miss. Lacey Rose is being very active today! LOL She's kicking absolutely everything and anything that touches my stomach or makes a noise! Soooo funny!

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Joined: 10/25/01
Posts: 1335

26weeks and 2days!

Man, I've just been reading all the recent curfuffle over the Duggars family and the fact they're currently expecting family member #18. Why are people so damned judgemental. Personally it sounds to me like they have the ideal lifestyle. I'd kill to have a family life like they do. Living debt free, on land they own, in a house they built, homeschooling their children, their children doing their fair share of chores, the buddy system they use to help each other, the Dad going out to earn a crust whilst Mum and Kids look after family and home, the time they spend together just chatting and stuff.

Sounds ideal to me! Ok, maybe not all the religious stuff but still it sounds perfect. I'd love that kind of a lifestyle.

And then everyone slatting them for the fact they've got enough land to give to their children so they can build their own homes close by... Oh dear God! How awful! Parents trying to look out for their children.

We're working our way towards having enough homes that when our kids start moving we can give them each a house. So what?! If you can do it, do it. It's hard enough in life without people making it harder just for the sake of "learning to get on by yourself". Here in the UK our kids would never manage to get on the property ladder at this rate if we didn't help out. So far we've got or will one day have four houses. Two are ours, two are ones Martin will inherite. We've already decided when we next move we will not sell this one unless we really have too, so that will be five houses.

Although if I could buy a peice of land and build on it, and have enough left over for the kids I'd do that instead. Unfortunately the UK building permissions aren't as lenient as in America. Although I am hoping one day Martin will give in the fight and move us out to America. I've always wanted to live there, and have always felt drawn to being there... There's nowhere else I'd rather live to be honest. Only problem is he's a traditional English man and insists he will live in England until he dies. :roll: Which may be sooner then he thinks if he keeps pissing me off! :twisted:

Anyway... Am doing OK. Had an email from my midwife asking if I'd mind being photographed for some publicity she's been asked to do. Of course, I said I didn't mind. I love my midwife - I'm only sad I didn't find her years ago when I was having Tristan... Sad

I'm in quite a lot of pain today... I went to Mystic Arts exhibition to help out on the stand yesterday and I'm paying for it today, big time.

Miss. Lacey Rose is being very active at the moment! Lol It's so funny, I just keep seeing bits poking up out my stomach and moving across before disappearing back down! Very freaky, and reminds me of the film Alien! Lol

I was looking at the clothes we've got her on Saturday. We've not got much but I'm sure we'll manage if we aren't able to buy more. Mostly dresses... Although we have, for some strange reason, got two coats! For August! Odd huh?! LOL Actually most of the clothes we've got for her were bought when I was pregnant with the boys. The only clothes we've bought her have been two dresses, 2 babygro's (only one is newborn though), a skirt for when she's older and a couple of vests and a bib. I also bought a cheap sling on Ebay and a changing bag.

I can't wait for her to finally arrive... Seems like ages to go yet though.

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Joined: 10/25/01
Posts: 1335

26 weeks and 3 days;

So I had a great day yesterday! I was in a lot of pain, the pain is actually worse today but I think I'm so used to it now that it doesn't really register until it's really bad...

Anyway, we were bored and not achieving much, so went round to my Mums. She wanted a lift to Tesco so we gave her one and I went round with her and she surprised me with some baby clothes!!!

I have been panicking recently (you may have noticed from this journal! Blum 3 ) that we haven't got enough for Lacey Rose when she finally arrives, so my Mum bought all the clothes we'll need for the first month or so!!!

She got us 6 baby sleepsuits, a hat and some bibs! And not the cheap stuff like Martin would have made me buy either, they're really pretty! I already have some vests, a couple of pairs of scratch mits and some socks so now we have everything she'll need plus a few pretty dresses for special occasions for at least the first couple of months!

So chuffed! Biggrin I'm trying to sort out my digital camera so I can take a photo for this journal of all the clothes she's got! Lol

Oh, and I made Martin book me in for a 4D scan next week... I figured that I will always regret it if I don't have it done, and it's only £100 which includes the DVD and a couple of photo's, so I thought sod it. Now is the best time to get one of these sessions and I'm not going to miss out just because Martin hasn't done any work recently. :roll:

Anyway... Not much is happening here. I think my fear of something going wrong is slowly disappearing. I think though that I went through the same thing at around this point last time too. Now I'm just paranoid she's going to come early! Lol Ahhh... I always have to have something to worry about don't I?! Lol

Anyway, I better be off! I have a sick Tristan off school today and Raistlin and Ashton won't stop fighting. The joys of parenthood!

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Joined: 10/25/01
Posts: 1335

26weeks and 4days;

I don't feel good today. I got up at 7am this morning, stayed up for about an hour and went straight back to bed, where I slept until around 2pm.

I've not felt "right" for about a week or so but the last three days have been worse and worse and today just takes the biscuit...

I can't even pinpoint what I think is wrong... I feel "spaced out" like my head isn't attached to my body and it's just floating somewhere vaguely nearby. I can't concentrate, I have really bad headaches, I've been seeing stars on and off, parts of my body feel "strange", not numb but not normal either... I feel really, REALLY tired as well and whenever I stand up or start walking I start having painful braxton hicks.

Martin's taken my blood pressure a few times today. First time I think it was 12?/96, then it went down to 82, then up to 87 and we've just checked it again and it's a 84. So not too bad really...

We called my midwife though. I really don't feel like I'm OK. I can't figure out whether I'm wasting her time or not, whether it's just some small bug I've caught off my poison dwarves or whether it's something worse but I've felt sufficiently bad the last week that it's beginning to worry me now.

She wasn't in when we called, but Martin left a message and hopefully she'll call me back soon and tell me I'm being stupid and nothing is wrong with me! Lol

I've got an appointment with her on Monday anyway, which I was trying to hold out for, but today I just feel really bad. I've barely eaten anything and can't even muster the energy to drink much either... I actually feel a bit sick so don't particularly want to eat or drink much anyway.

I hope she calls back soon. I could have phoned her mobile but I don't think it's an emergency really, I'm probably just being overly paranoid or something. Sad

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Joined: 10/25/01
Posts: 1335

26weeks and 5days;

So I took photo's of some of my baby clothes I've got... They're sooo cute! Lol I have more then I realised though, so I think I'm fine for baby clothes now!

I was also thinking of other money saving ways. Lacey Rose will probably be co-sleeping with us for awhile anyway, so not too worried about her bed situation yet. Although Ikea do have a lovely white cot with mattress for under £50!!!!! Although that said I already have a wooden cot which Ashton is currently in, and I also, somewhere, have a white four poster cot, although it's slightly damaged I'm sure it could be fixed and done up...? Not sure. I think one of the posts has split, but I'd have to dig it out and have a look.

I've already got a moses basket, but it's in such a bad state I'm not sure it's rescueable anymore. It's one we've had since Tristan was born so it's very old.

I've now got two slings so that's OK, and I've also got a changing bag. I have my nursing chair and we've got a steriliser and I've lost all the bits but somewhere I also have a medela breastpump...

I've got some breastpads, and a handul of nappies (probably enough to last three days), but they're all relatively cheap and easy to buy at anytime of day on anyday of the week so not going to worry about things like that yet.

I've not got bedding or blankets for her... Not even really left over from the boys as they've all been ruined over the years. So that's something I need to buy - at least one small blanket that she can be wrapped in. I also need a car seat for her... I need a buggy too but I've found the one I want and it's only £120 so not too bad!

I think we need a wardrobe or chest of drawers or something to store her clothes in... As we have nothing for them at the moment.

Other then that can't really think of anything much! Plenty that I'd buy for the sake of buying but nothing I actually need... So basically just basic furnishing and a buggy from the sound of it. And if worse comes to worse, I saw a buggy in Asda the other day for £15 which was a lovely pink colour although not suitable for a very small baby, but then I'd probably have her in a sling until she's at least a couple of months anyway.

Here are some pics of some of her clothes that I took today!

A thin, summer coat (the one with ears!), a thicker Autumn/Winter coat and a warm cardigan and trouser set!

Baby vests with slogans, 3 pack of baby vests, two little head scarves, 2 pairs of scratch mits, 3 pairs of socks and a hat!

The 3 babygro's my Mum bought, a 3 pack of baby gro's, and some bibs!

Some of her little dresses!

I have a special set of clothes that she's going to wear when she's first born which I haven't included as you'll see those when the time comes! Biggrin

Here's the buggy I want too!

And the seat cover to go with it and make it look pretty! Blum 3

Oh and on a seperate note my midwife came to visit me late last night as I was feeling so bad. She took my blood, did my blood pressure which was slightly high but nothing to worry about and generally gave me a once over. She got back to me this morning and my blood samples all came back as normal thank God!

I suspect I must just have a bug that the kids kindly decided to share with me!