I'm finally starting my journal. I had a ttc journal and went back and forth about whether I wanted a pg journal. I was afraid of jinxing myself but over the last week or so I thought, ok, maybe I'm finally ready.
As my title suggests I'm "old". AMA. Advanced Maternal Age. What a lovely distinction, eh? How about Advanced Maternal Aptitude? I think I like that better. I'm 38.
DH (Les) and I started ttc'ing in September 04, right before our wedding. After we had a few issues resolved I got my first bfp in May 05. The whole pg was plagued by spotting, low hb reading and deep down I think I knew it wasn't meant to be. At 10w, I mc'd. The first time we tried post m/c we were successful! Needless to say the past half-year has been a whirlwind of emotions. I've fought tooth and nail not to let my fears of another m/c get the best of me.
And so here I am! 13w6d. One day short of officially beginning my 2nd Trimester. This pg has gone as well as I could have hoped. Early u/s at 8w showed a hb of 154. Measured right on schedule. No spotting. Lots of symptoms including ample m/s. Heard the hb at 12w, and again this past monday. Wow.
This is the cliff notes version of how I got here.
God willing, our family will expand by 1 come July 13!
Today I had a very pleasant surprise waiting for me when I got home. A little package from a good friend of mine with pg books and some onesies and hooded bath towels. Very cute! All in yellow and green. Everyone wishes we'd find out beforehand if we are having a girl or boy. I wouldn't mind but DH really wants it to be a surprise and it seems so important to him so I can wait. Unless there is a mixup or an unmistakable boy bit on the u/s!
I could not button my pants this morning. Well, I could have but I would have been so uncomfortable. I'm at this really akward stage. Too small for real maternity clothes but definitely growing out of my normal clothes. Depending on what I am wearing I either look like I ate too many Christmas cookies or that I may indeed be pregnant.
Scheduled the amnio. Next tuesday. I alternate between being nervous and not being nervous. I just hope it goes quickly. DH's blood test should be back indicating whether he has - blood. He didn't know what his blood type was, so to be safe I had to have the rhogam shot when I had the m/c. Would like to avoid that if possible! He also had the whole Ashke**** panel of tests as well.. tay sachs and some others were tested. My two SILs said there is no family history of such things but my doc suggested he have it done anyway.
Yesterday I had the amnio... At the beginning they did an extensive u/s. That was pretty cool! Got to see all sorts of things, but no discernable gender bit, at least not that I could see! I got to see the brain from a top-down shot, saw the 2 lobes. Wow. Its just incredible. Everything measured perfectly. I was actually measuring a couple days ahead but I'm not really sure they will change my due date. But I'm also bummed because I learned there will be no more ultrasounds unless warranted. I keep hearing about the "big" u/s at 20w, but guess this was mine.
Then came time for the amnio. I just closed my eyes and went into a yoga like zone for the duration. I just kept hearing "excellent, great", "thats right, great", "excellent". I could only assume that it was going well from their point of view based on the comments I was hearing. It didn't really hurt. And went by rather quickly. After I didn't really feel any symptoms to speak of. A little pressure around the area where they stuck the needle in. I also found out that DH has negative blood so no rhogam! He also tested negative on all the ashke**** panel tests so thats good.
The u/s tech said she was fairly certain she knew the gender but my willpower prevailed and I did not ask but dang it all a part of me really wanted to find out.
I still haven't popped. If I look at my side profile in the mirror I notice a difference (or after I've had a huge meal) but compared to some of the ladies on my birth board I'm downright small. What gives? I want my preggo belly!
Here is a pic of the "grapefruit", as we've affectionately dubbed the baby this week. My babyfit.com newsletter said the baby was the size of a grapefruit. Tomorrow is my weekly update.. wonder what he/she will be next...
This has been a completely useless weekend. I've had ample time to do all the many things I need to do but here it is 5pm on Sunday and what do I have to show for myelf? Not a heck of alot! I'm sure my pregnancy hormone-induced mini breakdown about my career being at a dead end did not help. But I'll save that for another day.
I've been trying to do research on cloth diapers. I have to admit I find all the different types and brands overwhelming. I haven't changed a diaper in probably 15 years so I don't know what I should even want out of a diaper, except for the obvious, i.e, to keep the baby dry and prevent leakage! But I resolve to make a go of this. Probably in the end we'll do a combo of cloth/disposable. When I casually mentioned this to DH he was very agreeable and he thought cloth diapers still consisted of those nasty pins! He was amazed when he learned how things have changed. So after a bit of searching, I think I may start with Fuzzibunz.
I did some much needed grocery shopping, while hungry. Big mistake! How I could simultaneously crave both tofu and steak is a mystery to me. I got it into my head that I was going to have tofu, shrimp, veggies and bread them in panko bread crumbs and throw them over brown rice and I would make one of my dipping sauces with soy and mirin. Well, in the end I all I really had was a mound of fried food, that looked excessively caloric, and greasy!
I'm going to try to get in to bed early tonight and read for awhile. I'd been pretty good about that but lately I'm just so dang tired that I have no energy. DH has turned me on to some of his favorite mystery writers. Just finished Lehane's Prayers for Rain and have started Elizabeth Peter's The Last Camel Died at Noon. After the baby, will I have a chance to read for pleasure ever again?
I have received some news that has definately lifted my spirits today!
I found out that due to the fact that I've been at this deadbeat job for almost 7 years I have a maximum of 55 sick days that I can apply toward my maternity leave. I have been sick over the years to be sure, but not excessively so which means that I should have a good chunk of days to combine with with my accrued holiday leave, which at this point should be about 25 days (another perk of staying at this job for so long). And on top of it, whatever days I take off over and above the combined total I will be able to claim disability. Long and the short of it is I may not need to take ANY days off without pay during my maternity leave. I knew there was a reason why I wanted to stick it out at this job until I had had my baby.
I think I need a chocolate chip cookie to celebrate!
CANNOT GET ENOUGH WHOLE FOODS NON-FAT LEMON SORBET!!!
I'm out of my mind with the desire to eat this stuff. It just tastes so good to me and I can't stop eating it once I start. That and fresh pineapple. I'm going to go broke if this fresh pineapple need doesn't abate. Its so expensive but I simply must have it and well it tastes fantastic! I keep telling myself it could be worse -- I could be craving ice cream and candy and whatnot but thankfully I'm still on the fruit/salad/sorbet kick.
I went food shopping tonight and unlike last week nothing sounded good. I have not really been inspired to eat much meat at all during this pg but I am not a vegetarian, tho normally lean towards cooking vegetarian a good part of the time, much to DH's dismay! Tonight I felt inspired to cook from the delightful Madhur Jaffrey's World of the East Vegetarian cookbook. This was the first ever cookbook I bought back in college when I decided to become a vegetarian for a time - a decision inspired by another book, Sinclaire's The Jungle. So tonight I made a Japanese dish with cabbage, crumbled bean curd, ****akes with a bit of mirin and soy thrown over brown rice. It sounds pretty bland but it was quite good.. but only if you like such things as tofu and ****akes. I of course followed it up with my lemon sorbet as dessert.
I'm still waiting on the amnio results. On Tuesday it will be a full two-weeks which my doc said it would probably take. I have my monthly visit on Monday morning so perhaps by chance the results will be there. But if they weren't there on Friday afternoon, the chance of them being there first thing Monday morning are pretty slim. I'm also waiting on feeling real fetal movement. My doc said I wouldn't feel it til 20w so I still have a way to go. At times I feel perhaps early flutters but I couldn't say for certain its fetal movement...
I ordered some maternity clothes online. I'm not so sure if that was wise. Much of them are for the warmer months so its hard to know exactly how they will fit but its clear all these tops assume my breasts to be bigger than they are now. They've grown somewhat but not that much! I wonder if they will continue to grow throughout the pregnancy or if this is it til my milk comes in..
I had my monthly ob visit today. My ob/gyn has recently gone from a solo practice to become part of a larger one. Its been an adjustment for sure.. She has wanted me to alternate with some of the other obs to get to know them and today was the day.
All went well. BP was good. It took her a bit to find the HB but it was there, nice and strong. No news on the amnio results, however. The nurse had asked me if I was having the AFP test today. What? My doc never mentioned that before. I thought the amnio was it as far as all those diagonostic tests go. Its not enough that they have you worry about a chromosomal issue now lets have you worry about spina bifida! Crap, another test and more worry. Well during the visit w/ the ob she mentioned she was writing me a referral to get a Level II u/s in 2 weeks. Well, that was a surprise! After the amnio, my regular doc said that would be my last u/s unless something came up. In the end I skipped the whole AFP test. I'm excited about having another u/s but now I have yet another diagonostic test to fret over. But I'm not going to let myself worry about that.
I found out today that the conceirge of our office building asked my colleague today if I was expecting. Yeehaw! Someone noticed I was pg!
My obsessing over my career or lack thereof continues. All along I've known intellectually that I will be responsible for this tiny human. I'm responsible, have my finances in relative good order, have alot of love to give and know that I can provide adequately. But then it really hit me. The enormity of it all. I'm in sheer awe. And then the obsessing began. My deep-seeded fear is that something might happen to DH someday and I will be alone and soley responsible for our little one. I hate to seem like a downer but I know all too well that life can throw us an unexpected curveball that knocks us off our feet. Would we be ok? Yes, I know that I would be able to make a go of it but would we be comfortable? Would I be able to provide for my child in the way that I want to? Not on my so-called career that is sputtering along. I've decided to tweak and retool my skills and move in a slightly different direction. I'm going to start taking some courses at night to try to beef up my skills so that this time next year I'm on a new path.
All this while I secretly fantasize about being a SAHM. We don't make it easy on mothers in this country, do we?
Looks like I will not be having my level II afterall. I made a call into my doc and she didn't think it was necessary. Now its just a waiting game.. waiting for my first kick still! Next appt is in early March and its just a routine one... but my belly is growing.
I think I was being just a wee bit over dramatic earlier. But when I get a bug in my brain I don't let it go very easily.
So I signed up for my first 2 classes: Federal Acquisition Regulations - fascinating, I know, but important in my line of work and business writing. The writing class seems like a waste but its part of the certificate program I endeavor to obtain. I already do a ton of writing at work but ya never know, might learn how to write that incredible memo afterall! I'd rather take creative writing but that would expose just how bad of a writer I really am.