Baby#3 - A new day has come... 25/04/04

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Joined: 06/12/02
Posts: 11
Baby#3 - A new day has come... 25/04/04

Well i'm not sure how well this is going to go, but I know I need somewhere to vent and deal with things so hopefully this will help me comes to terms with changes, that is my new baby. I'll go into more detail later, right now I just want to chill out Blum 3

x

Joined: 06/12/02
Posts: 11

OK so the kids are in bed, well Tesh is, tianna is just having a nap :shock: So i've got a few minutes to myself, or so I hope anyway!

Man, I don't know what to do with myself, seriously... This pg was not planned, I was and am still breastfeeding and hadn't had a period since the birth of tianna last august, so silly me thinking I was protected! I should have had my first period in July, or so it seems, but I must have got caught that very first time.

THE TEST:
I began feeling a little sickly and remembered puking up big time after half a bottle of bucks fizz, strange I thought, so I was surfing Ebay, one of my favourite past times Blum 3 and came across some cheap HPT so thought, why not? Anyway, I couldn't wait for them to come so purchased I think - first response - Took the test and left it in the bathroom, I asked dh to go in the bathroom and read the results out, when he did I thought he must be joking, he can be a real jerk and he is ALWAYS playing tricks on me, but to my horror, there they were, two bright pink dots, I screamed, I screamed so loud! LOL Nooooooooooooooooooooo The classic hand at side of heads in complete disbelief! LOL Dh was so shocked and I felt like bursting into tears, how will I cope with another I asked him, "we will cope char" he says, but I felt so very weak at that point a hole could have swallowed me up and I wouldn't have cared less..

Joined: 06/12/02
Posts: 11

oops that was a double post :?

so....

REALITY SETS IN:

I am still shocked and don't tell a soul, only my close internet friend Ann, who is very supportive, I love her to pieces and don't know what i'd do without her :cry:

Tell my mum, another friend and manager within the next few days, everyone is hugging and congradulating, a natural reacting, but it only annoys me, I felt so bad, but it is HOW I felt/feel, and i'm trying to work through it for everyones sake as well as my own..

My mum kindly askes me how we will manage on simple family outings with two car seats? How indeedy I thought, and walking up 28 steps to enter our home really sucks, especially with three kids, work are gonna love me! I've only been back from maternity leave since march! LMFAO oh dear! Tianna is still demand fed and is generally a very 'fussy' baby, I don't want to tandem feed, will I have a choice? This is all too much, I want to pretend it doesn't exist, I want it to go away, it won't go away the baby is here, here to stay.

FORCING MYSELF INTO THE IDEA

So I dig out all my old pregnancy books and try to get stuck in, can't, not working, what can I do? I join my birth board but never post about the pregnancy, took out another book from the library today, trying so hard to make it right when will it feel OK to be pregnant again?

THE SCAN

The doc was useless couldn't tell the date from my examination so she booked me in for a scan, I went along and found out I was 7weeks and 3days, saw the babies heart beat, awwwwh I felt a bond, and then it was gone again, what is wrong with me? Feel like i'm loosing it, this is my baby, dh was smiling so hard, maybe we will have a boy this time? I get a copy of the scan picture, I don't look at it too hard, realise my EDD is 25th April 2004, we have a date now..

Leave the ward and bump into my aunt, oh god not her! She is close with my nan and I CANNOT let my nan know right now, don't need her negativity, so we chat, a very light chat, she doesn't ask why i'm at the hospital, thank god, what could I tell her? There I am trying to roll the scan picture in the palm of my hands, then feel guilty for bending the picture as we leave the hospital.. Sad

Tianna is in the car seat at the back, I love her so much, could another be so bad? I don't know, who knows?

Joined: 06/12/02
Posts: 11

'THAT' Sunday..

Well I really blew a fuse on Sunday, I woke up way too early, then everyone else got up, fine, but then i'm tired again so go back to sleep, or at least I tried, woke up to tianna crying, come in the frontroom very annoyed as dh is there playing Fifa world cup on the god damn PC, get angry, scream "I'm not having this baby, you hear me?" Slam the door, get showered and dress and head out to Croydon for a walk, didn't help much, call my mum and brother, that helps a little, return home to the car and drive to mums house.

She helped today, it was good just to be out of the house, on my own for a while. Mum was cooking nice dinner, had some, then tesh calls, it seems her friend has invited her for a tea party, I ask mum to keep me company, so I go back home, call tesh from downstairs, not in the mood to see dh yet, we get to her friends only to find out was the NEXT day! :? Kids eh? Caroline says its fine for her to stay since she is there, great I thought, a few more hours to myself, so go back to mums, chill for a while, then go for tesh.

Return home at 7.30, tianna is happy to see me, i'm happy to see her, I breastfeed, i've calmed down, me and tesh do her homework, feeling better, then me and dh have a row, he annoys me, anyway, tries to make it up by making me some tea, we watch a good film. End of sunday. (plus a roll in the sack which completely ruined the silent treatment I was trying to give him :roll: )

Joined: 06/12/02
Posts: 11

A POSITIVE MOMENT:

Ok, so today I bunked off work, not in the mood, I was in the car, tianna in the back returning home after dropping tesh to school, and I was thinking about not returning to that job once i'm done with my maternity leave, suddenly I was getting excited about having a new baby come next year! It just came out of no where! Dirol Just want dh to wake up now so I can tell him!!

x

Joined: 06/12/02
Posts: 11

I told dh, and he was pleasantly suprised, we spent the next two hours going through names, we have always (well me more) wanted riordan for a boys name, a little different, but I don't care, I love it! as usual, got stuck on a girls name, I love trinity he hates it! At least we are talking about positive things now!! Thats gotta be a good thing right!?? Wink

Joined: 06/12/02
Posts: 11

Well things defintely seem to be looking up in this department, not feeling half as crap as before, I guess i've been focusing more on dh's job dilemma, but still, must be a good sign eh?

I told my nan that dh was cooking me snapper as I fancied it, then she came out with 'your not pg are you?' I could have choked on my tea! She is really the last person that is going to find out!! argh!

I actually caught myself rubbing my bump on two occasions yesterday, its pretty cool Dirol

x

Joined: 06/12/02
Posts: 11

Don't know whats going on.. I have been bleeding since Thursday, and constantly ever since then, it isn't a lot of blood and no pain yet, but I don't know what to feel really.. I have a scan on monday so we will see then what is going on.

x

Joined: 06/12/02
Posts: 11

Posted from another board:

Hello girls, thanx for thinking of me..

Well my baby has died, 3 weeks ago and 9week gestation.

I am devastated. I know some know this was a planned
pg and I was abit shocked and had mixed feelings but
nothing could have prepared me for this today, I saw
my baby, no heart beat, then the nurse simply turned
to me and said 'your baby has died' no 'sorry' or
anything, but the other nurse came and said sorry and
gave me a hug while I cried.

I have to have a op tomorrow to remove everything and
i'm really scared about that.

Sad, but life I guess, thanx again for asking.
Char.x

I feel so crap its unbelievable, oneal is feeling just as bad or worse cos he wasn' t there when they told me, but I drove down to his work in tears and he came back to the hopsital with me, its been such a hard time, I never want to go through this again.

This time tomorrow, my baby will be gone.

Joined: 06/12/02
Posts: 11

I'm thinking of moving these entries over to my diary as I don't want them lost forever, although they aren't the nicest memories to have :cry: They are still mine and I need to have them.

Can't seem to cope, no one really understands, everyone keeps saying 'oh your young, you'll have more' 'oh at least it wasn't far along in the pregnany' Not good enough! :evil:

xx

Joined: 06/12/02
Posts: 11

Just reading through this again makes me feel so sad......

It's an experience I'll never forget, and i'm glad I wrote about them.

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