It's definately definate though. I went to a private lab in Bedford yesterday and had a Beta HCG test done (blood) and my HCG was at 28 IU/L which is about right for a 3-4 week pregnancy I'm told.
Tried to phone the Dr to get an appointment but apparently he didn't have any until late next week. So I have to phone him back in five minutes at 8am and try to get an emergency appointment for later today. I'm going to try and persuade him that I don't need the Heparin, but I suspect he'll probably send me down to the hospital to get checked over and put on Heparin.
My Midwife also knows now as I had to ask her to refer me to the private lab place... She'll have had a copy of the results too.
I also announced it on Facebook yesterday. So all my closest friends and family now know too. Here's what I said;
Sod it. I'm crap at keeping secrets. Yes, we know what causes it, yes we have a TV and YES I AM PREGNANT. I'm shocked enough as it is, so positive responses only please!
OK, just called the Dr and I have an appointment for 3:50pm.
Next thing is to book an appointment with my midwife. Book an early ultrasound for about 7-8 weeks.
It's strange. I can't think of this in anyway other than a list of tasks I need to complete to make everything OK again. I mean, I don't even think about the baby as a real person/thing. I keep referring to "It" or "the pregnancy" and I've never done that before. Martin is getting quite annoyed with me I think as he keeps telling me we're having a baby not an "it". I just can't comprehend all this. I can't take it in properly. I think I'm happy but I'm not sure enough to be excited so I'm following the mentality of faking it until I'm feeling it for real. I was on the phone to my Mum last night and just broke down in tears.
I feel so stupid. I was supposed to be getting a tubal - why did this have to happen now? I know what people are thinking, even if they don't voice it.
We'll see. I'm sure I'm just nervous at the thought of all the twice daily injections, the pain and the fact I'll probably end up in a wheelchair again. I can deal with all that. But for some reason I can't deal with the negative comments right now.
I'm feeling a bit more positive today. And a bit guilty. Libby is supposed to be the "baby". I'm supposed to be done, no more babies... For the first time ever I feel like I've stolen something from her. I guess it's just because this wasn't planned and has been a whole hell of a shock.
I'm still having trouble getting my head around the idea that there will be another person here. I've never had this much trouble becoming accustomed to a pregnancy before. I mean, it's still early so I've got plenty of time but I just don't see another baby in my future even though I know it's going to happen now. I think it'll probably be more "real" once I've had a scan in three weeks.
Oh, I never updated about my Drs appointment. It went well... He didn't say anything negative just said we had a lot to sort out in that case. I then told him I didn't want to have the heparin until I was absolutely sure that this pregnancy is viable. So he agreed with me on that and said he'd schedule me for an ultrasound in 3 weeks! So I've got three weeks heparin free - which makes me VERY happy!
I've also got to start iron supplements as every blood test I've had done has shown I'm aneamic and obviousely I need to start folic acid and get some pregnacare vitamins. Anything I can do to keep myself healthy this time around.
So, now it's just a load of hanging around waiting for a scan to prove or disprove that everything is actually OK.
Kind of feel like I'm already awash and lost in a sea of appointments and things I HAVE to do.
I'm feeling a lot more positive about this whole thing today. Maybe even a tad excited - although I still can't imagine the baby at the end, but I have started thinking about practicalities and health stuff and if I have to do this again (and obviousely I do) then I want to do it properly and really enjoy it. Enjoying it starts today! LOL
So, I've decided during all my previous pregnancies I've focussed mainly on the baby and neglected myself. This time, for the first time, I'm going to be selfish. This is about ME! LOL
I bought myself a lovely new maternity top yesterday that says "Baby Baby Baby" on the front. I'm wearing it along with my nice maternity jeans today. I'm really bloated this time around and can't wear my normal clothes right now at all without having to literally coathanger myself into them and then be uncomfortable and sore by the end of the day.
Anyway, I also bought a pregnancy Yoga DVD today and am eating really healthily right now. I haven't got my pregnancy vitamins yet but I'll get those tomorrow. I'm exercising as well. My plan is to do 15 minutes on the Wii a day, 10 minutes on my jogger and then do my Yoga DVD 3-4 times a week. I'm also walking to and from the kids school once a day until I can't do that any longer.
This time around I don't intend to really buy anything baby wise. I always stressed so much about it in my previous pregnancies and because we aren't finding out the gender this time I really only need a few babygrows in a neutral colour. I can go shopping for clothes and other essentials once baby is here. I might just buy another sling though so I can hopefully get straight back to walking afterwards.
I had an awful dream last night. Truely awful. I dreamt I was pregnant with twins and miscarried them in the 2nd trimester. They came out still fully formed in their sacs. It was obvious there was something very wrong with one but the second was perfect and had only been miscarried because my body flushed out the first one. It was so horribly realistic and graphic (even though I know it wasn't really realistic in my dream it was)...
I think that really kicked my butt. Yesterday I couldn't care less about this pregnancy (still can't bring myself to refer to a baby). I mean, I didn't want to loose it, I hate any loss of life. But I did want to ignore it and just get on with my life. I felt guilty because I knew I shouldn't be blaming the baby but I really felt my perfect life was ruined by it all. After last nights dream I've realised I do want this. It will change my perfect family, but hopefully only for the better. I still can't imagine a baby at the end of it, but I now no longer want it to all go away. I suddenly feel strangely protective of this pregnancy and want to make it as healthy as possible.
Hopefully this is a good sign that everything will work out for the best. Either way my life has been changed by this and will never be the same.
I feel so sick and tired. Why the Hell did this damn pregnancy have to happen? Why me? Why now? Why do my stupid principles get in the way? Why didn't I take the morning after pill? Stupid. Stupid. Stupid.
I'm so angry today as well. I know it's just the hormones but they're really affecting me today. Probably cos I feel sick and tired despite a good nights sleep. I just have to keep counting to ten because everything is making me so angry right now. Poor Martin is getting the brunt of it. He can't even breath without me wanting to stab forks in his eyeballs and rip his head off and shove it where the sun don't shine!!!! LOL
Must. Calm. Down.
It should be my pole dancing lesson in a couple of hours, and I get to go and watch my sister doing it instead. I'm angry at that as well. I really enjoyed pole dancing. Seems like everything I enjoyed or had come to terms with has been completely ripped away from me right now.
I keep thinking about things that might cheer me up and make this pregnancy more "real" for me. We've spoken about names briefly. We won't be finding out the gender this time, so we're having to come up with names for both. I'm currently liking Rhydian William for a boy. Or Quentin (sp?) maybe meaning 5th/5. I don't know. And for girls we'll hyphenate the name again. I'm currently liking the names Trinity and Lainey but not sure what I'd hyphenate them with. I've already used Rose and Hope. Maybe something like Faith or Fate or Love? I don't know. I'm thinking it's extra hard because I can't equate the pregnancy with a real baby - so I may just have to pick a few I might like and see when it actually is born what suits it best.
Also been thinking a lot about the birth. I'm thinking this time around I might like it to be just me, Martin and the kids. But I say this every single time and then change my mind later on - so we'll see.
I think I need to be really careful right now. Because this pregnancy was unexpected and because I'm now back to square one with having to have almost weekly appointments, twice daily injections, feeling sick and tired and my legs are already hurting my mood has really gone down. I need to try and focus on the positives in everything right now or I think I may end up suffering pre-natal depression. I'm inclined towards depression anyway but with all this suddenly being thrown at me just as I've got back on my feet. I'm not sure how well I'm going to cope with it all if I get any sicker.
I'm REALLY hoping a scan at 7 weeks will make it all more real and change things for me. I've never felt this bad about being pregnant before. I've always been excited and positive and happy. I don't understand why I now feel so bad.
It doesn't help that I don't feel like I'm going to end up with a live baby. I just have this feeling like I'm going to miscarry or something is going to go wrong with it. I'm wondering about travelling to a clinic near London and stumping out some cash to get an earlier ultrasound - but we really don't have the money free. Or maybe even getting a second Beta HCG done but now it's been several days since my last one I don't know how much information that will realistically give us. Although my #2 seemed so low last time I think I'd just be happy with a higher number... I don't know.
I feel lost. Lost in a sea of confusion, disappointment, excitement, sadness, happiness and appointments. I'm not even sure how I feel right now, I'm so confused.
I've already decided if I end up needing a Csection, I'm going to get them to obliterate my tubes! LOL I'll be telling them to do such a great job in there that there'll never be any hope of a reversal or it not working! Cut, tie, burn those tubes!
I have had an ABOLSUTELY FANTASTIC day today!!! I woke up early feeling far more positive, didn't feel nearly so sick or hormonal today.
And I had a wonderful meet-up with a long time online friend. We must have known each other for several years now and both have roughly the same # of kids (well I've got one more!)... I took my three youngest, she bought her two youngest and they all played together really well! I was surprised actually as I'm not normally that great in real life with socialising stuff. I'm OK once I know people and have met them a few times but I sometimes can be shy or find it difficult to keep conversations going... But today I don't remember a single ackward silence or uncomfortable moment. I just had such a great time. It was just what I needed - something to remind me I can still enjoy my life and my friendships despite this unexpected pregnancy.
And on a pregnancy front I reckon my Mum must have zapped up my hormones or something because today I feel fine and very happy and yet, my Mum says she's really grumpy and doesn't know why! LOL
I'm feeling good about this baby now. Although it dawned on me today that this means we're going to have an odd number... So maybe I'll need one more baby after this just to even things out! Ten sounds like a nice round number to me! LOL (I'm anticipating friends and family have just died from shock at this point of reading - I accept no responsibility for funeral costs!!!)
I'm dying for a scan now! I wanna see my jellybean! Oh, which reminds me I really need to buy those pregnacare vitamins. I'm taking iron tablets and folic acid daily now but it might be best to get the pregnacare vitamins anyway. I'm doing quite well diet wise. Lots of salad, eggs, brown bread, various types of red and white meat and pasta. It's the healthiest diet I've had in a LONG time! LOL
Anyway, I better get a wriggle on. I'm really tired today. I'm actually so exhausted now that it physically hurts me to have my eyes open!!!
Urgh, my resolve is crumbling! Everyone is debating what gender my baby will be and now I really wanna know too!!! Not helped by the fact that Martin really wants another girl this time and is desperate to know.
How the Hell am I going to manage to not find out?!! I know what I'm looking at one ultrasound scans of babies. I know the nub theories, I know the gender clues, I know the various parts and anatomy both in and out of the developing fetus - so how am I possibly going to get through scans NOT figuring out what we're having????!
I'm also adding to my list of names for boys. I now like Rhydian (my #1 favourite), Quentin (sp?) and now Easton/Eastyn too! Girls it's still the same; Trinity or Lainey although I quite like Sariah too but can't figure out how it's pronounced or if I've even spelt it right. Grrr.. So that one's probably out! LOL
Today I am sick. Not morning sickness type of sick. I have a cold... A really bad one. Can barely breath, having a constant headache too and just feel really tired and run down. Hoping it goes away by Saturday as I need to be in good shape for then - got a busy day Saturday! It's a secret though so I'll reveal all afterwards (and no it's nothing to do with me!)...
Oh no. Spoke to soon, I just had a massive wave of nausea! Blurgh!
I'm still sick today. I'm having a LOT of nausea, I've got a stonking head cold which is causing horrific headaches right now and I've got a really jippy stomach. Blah.
And all my evil plans for Saturday are unravelling as I just found out it's going to be heavy showers on Saturday. Damn, damn, damn! I need to use my garden - my house won't accomodate as many people as will be here without the use of my garden!!!
Also now the garden and BBQ are out because of rain I'm going to have to find something else to entertain people with... Which is going to cost me money. I suppose I could organise some games or something but even that will cost me money as I'll need the props and possibly some prizes.
Ooo the stress! LOL
It's exactly two weeks until my Drs appointment to book my first early pregnancy scan! Yay!
I can not wait for my scan. So desperate to see a healthy, live baby on the screen!
Well, I made it past my first hurdle. I'm quite pleased about that. My miscarriages tend to occur between 4-6 weeks so I'm almost out of my normal danger zone.
I feel quite sick and tired today. I woke up at 4am to the news that Michael Jackson had died. So sad about that. I wasn't a MASSIVE fan of his but he was definately a legend. He changed music in such a profound way and was so big that I never imagined he'd die... Let alone die young. His poor children.
I've got a busy day today, not sure how I'm going to get through it. I've got a lot of tidying and sorting to do before tomorrow. Guess I better get on with it before I become too exhausted and pukey. Can NOT wait for tomorrow! Oh, damn! I just realised I have to go shopping today as well and sort the bouncy castle out, see if it'll inflate or if it's completely dead.
Yesterday we threw a surprise baby shower for a good friend of ours! It was excellent, took us ages to plan it though. She's been really down and depressed for ages and found this pregnancy (baby #7) really tough I think so we thought it'd cheer her up!
Anyway, I took her for a hair appointment and a manicure during the day to get her out the way and although she was surprised as she rarely gets time out without the kids, I don't think she suspected anything else was going on. Anyway, after the hair and nails were done I bought her back to our house for "a cup of tea whilst her nails set!"... Martin answered the door and for once had the living room door shut, he asked her if she wanted a drink and we had a very short chat in the hallway before directing her into the living room and as soon as she opened the door everyone shouted "SURPRISE!". Bless her, she was so shocked. She started to cry... I think she might have been a bit overwhelmed by it all, as a lot of her family were there, and the kids, and friends etc. Although I must admit I had a moment of "Oh crap, she doesn't like it!" But I'm pretty sure she enjoyed it all after she got over the shock!
It was so much fun! I need another friend to have a baby now so I can throw another one! And everyone mucked in. Another good friend, C, did a whole truck load of work sorting stuff out. And my Mum, and Martin, and the Mum and Dad to be's parents both got stuck in as well. It was great, a real team effort!
Of course, Martin, then had to make some comment about how I'd better not be expecting the same in return. Pissed me off as the thought hadn't even crossed my mind and what kind of a person does he think I am that I'd only throw a party for a friend in order to try and get one back???? Grr... Besides, why on Earth would I want to celebrate a pregnancy my hearts not really "into". If you know what I mean? I mean, I welcome a new baby, it's not the baby's fault... But given the choice I wouldn't be doing this again and I still have moments where I feel so, so upset at this whole situation.
Mainly for Libby I guess. Libby is my baby, I feel like she's being robbed and her babyhood is being snatched from me. And it's the first time in a long time when I haven't suffered from terrible depression and have actually really, REALLY got into the swing of and enjoyed a baby and now it's all going to disappear because in a few months I'm going to have to focus on and feed someone else. I'm actually not sure I'll breastfeed this next baby. I just don't know. I don't really feel the connection I should with it yet and I certainely can't imagine breastfeeding it.
I'm sure my feelings will change as soon as I have a scan and can see it for real... Or once the news has sunk in, I mean, it's really only been just over a week. It takes a long time to get the idea of a baby through your head when you're actually TRYING for one. But when it's unexpected...
I've got to say, I was always pretty judgemental of people who got pregnant by accident and said or thought or felt the kinds of things I'm feeling and thinking now. I always used to think to myself that all babies were blessings and all pregnancies were joyous occasions and anyone who said otherwise was ungrateful of the beautiful gift they were recieving. I'll never judge someone ever again for being sad, upset, or angry at finding out about an unexpected pregnancy. I never imagined for the life of me that any decent person could feel the way I currently feel about this stuff. But I consider myself a decent person and I'm feeling these things. I was naive before and judgemental.
Anyway, these days I am feeling tired and drained but otherwise fine. No real sickness, no other real side effects. Just headaches and fatigue really. If I didn't know otherwise I'd think I wasn't pregnant.
Here's a photo of me taken yesterday at 5 weeks and 1 day.
I had a complete melt down last night. I can't even remember exactly what set me off because I'd had a really, REALLY good day. I saw Valerie for the first time in about 7 months and had a chat with her, and spoke to a few people about acupuncture and reflexology and breastfeeding and booked myself in for some treatments. Then we went to a really good friends house and had a fantastic afternoon/evening there... Got home and suddenly just had a complete meltdown. I banished everyone to bed and just sat in the living room bawling my eyes out like a baby for ages over I can't even remember what. I do remember thinking how nobody understands or cares what I'm going through, either that or they're judging me the way I used to judge others in this situation.
So utterly ridiculous.
I can't believe how up and down I am this time. I've been copying all my previous pregnancy journals into a format ready for printing and this is definately the worst, most negative pregnancy I've had so far.
It doesn't help that I seem to have had a constant headache for over a week now. My head hurts constantly. Non-stop pain.
I hope my negativity isn't hurting the baby at all. I really wouldn't want anything to happen to him/her... Need to start thinking positively before damage is done.