and baby makes five

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and baby makes five

I suppose I should introduce myself here. I'm Ashley and I'm the 20 year old SAHM to Adrian James (1.20.01) and Jared Anthony (9.14.02) Just found out a couple days ago that we are expecting our third little bundle of joy sometime in December.

We have a basset hound named Dexter, 4 cats (Macie, Sage, Thomas, and Dita) a guinea pig named Arnold, and 2 ducks named Bird and Chicken. Sadly, we will have to rehome most of our animals since I am the only one home most of the time... and I won't be able to take care of three young children and 8 animals at the same time. We are definitely keeping Dexter, and maybe Arnold.... but the rest will have to get new homes. :cry:

Anyway... onto the journal part of this...

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I found out about our Jellybean on April 22nd. I had been having symptoms for a week prior and thought that taking a test would "put my mind at ease" since we weren't planning on having more children. I just thought the symptoms were in my head since I was so paranoid about not getting pregnant. The first symptom I noticed was nausea. I was sitting on my grandma's couch and all at once I got really hot and started gagging. She asked if I was pregnant and I just replied with I sure hope not! Then over the weekend I got this strong craving for hush puppies. I really don't like onions so I found it strange. We didn't have the stuff to make them and Dh kept offering to make me something else to eat, but nothing would do unless it was what I wanted.

So, Tuesday I woke Dh up a little on the early side (he's on night shift now) and asked him to go out and pick me up a test to ease my mind since I should have started Monday but didn't. He agreed and I took it when he got back home with it. I was so shocked to see that second line come up on the test. I was expecting a negative one... but negative it wasn't. Dh was upset, as we had planned for him to get a vasectomy after Jared was born and were just waiting to finish paying for all my dental work (the boys ruined my teeth)

After the inital shock wore off, I think we're both kinda warming up to the idea of having another baby in the house. As for a due date... we are unsure on it right now. Here's the story on that. After I stopped breastfeeding Jared I went on the Ortho Evra patch. I have MVP (Mitral Valve Prolapse- a heart condition) and the patch was making my heart do some weird things. We didn't figure that out until March. I got my normal period on March 14th. I went back on the patch for 5 days and it was then that we discovered it was my patch that was making my heart act up. So I went off it and got another period on March 24th. Sometime between my first and second periods and now, I got pregnant. We are pretty sure the baby is due in December... just not what day.

Symptom wise... got tons of nausea (not hugging the porcelian yet- THANKFULLY) and I am constantly tired. My sweet and wonderful Dh let me take an hour nap yesterday AND today. Gotta love him!

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I am so numb right now. I have a million thoughts running through my head... and I feel like I'm on a crazy train that's just gonna crash and burn. Story of my life...... crash and burn.

It's been six days. Six long days full of confusion. My head's spinning so fast I don't even know where the hell I am. I am so confused, scared, ashamed, but mostly just numb.

Ever feel like you're all alone in a crowded room? That if you scream no one would hear you, even though you could jam your elbow up someone's nose because they are so damn close to you?? That would describe what I'm feeling right now. I feel so totally and utterly disconnected from everyone I know. I've made several close friends online.... but right now I feel like I don't even know them. I feel like I don't even know myself. I feel like my whole world has been turned upside down and I couldn't tell my head from my ass if I had to. I told my dad and stepmom about the baby Friday. They are amazingly happy for us. Telling Aaron's mom was another story. I told her when Aaron's dad wasn't home (cuz I know he is going to throw a fit over the baby) and she was umm... not happy. She first said that the tests I took were positive because of my birth control. Um, no. My birth control would have no effects on a pregnancy test. :roll: When I told her that, she immediately said "you should have got your tubes tied after you had Jared" Gee, thanks for the support. I knew she wouldn't be happy over it by any means, but she didn't have to say that.

I was handling things with all the strength and dignity I could muster up until she knocked me flat on my ass with that. I don't know what to think anymore. I love this baby just as much as I love my other two. I really do. But I don't know how I am going to cope with this... how much longer I can handle people shoving a knife in my heart and twisting it to watch me bleed. *sigh*

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I was looking back on my life
And all the things I've done to me
I'm still looking for the answers
I'm still searching for the key
The wreckage of my past keeps haunting me
It just won't leave me alone
I still find it all a mystery
Could it be a dream?
The Road To Nowhere leads to me
Through all the happiness and sorrow
I guess I'd do it all again
Live for today and not tomorrow
It's still the road that never ends
The wreckage of my past keeps haunting me
It just won't leave me alone
I still find it all a mystery
Could it be a dream?
The Road To Nowhere leads to me
Ah Ah
The Road To Nowhere's gonna pass me by
Ah Ah
I hope we never have to say goodbye
I never want to live without you

The Road To Nowhere leads to me

The Road To Nowhere © Ozzy Osbourne