Ok, now that I can actually get on the internet regularly, I have decided to create a journal for this pregnancy. I'm going to go into a brief history about what has been going on in my life. Not everyone here is going to agree with how I am living my life, those that don't, feel free to keep your comments to yourselves.
I have been prejudged a lot lately as being a *****. For those that go with that first impression, I let them. Everyone is entitled to their own opinion just as I am entitled to let close minded individuals keep those snap judgments. Nobody has lived my life. What I have gone thru in the past years, I have mainly kept to myself just as I am going to now. I don't feel the need to justify how I got here, all I know is that I am happy for the first time in a long time. Even if I am scared out of my mind about being pregnant again.
Yes I am having a baby, and no, it is not my husbands. Or soon to be ex husband for that matter. I am in love with another man, and he is.....well, I don't really know how to describe what we have.
Our realtionship is just deeper than anything that I could have ever thought possible. He makes me happy, he makes me sane, and he loves my children. He has bonded more with them in the past few months then Josh has in their entire lifetime. That makes me happy and sad at the same time. He has seen me broken and shattered, and was there to pick up the pieces and help put them back together. I love him for that alone. I'm not saying that our relationship is perfect, but it is amazing.
So here we are a year after we started hanging out(as friends), and we are having a baby together. He couldn't be more excited......I think he makes up for me being unsure. I am not saying that this baby isn't wanted. It's just at this point in my life, when I am finally finding a balance and discovering more about myself, it just doesn't seem like a good time to bring a child into the picture. Not to mention, that it has taken a lot to get Mike and I to where we are today. In the beginning our relationship was a struggle. Neither of us wanted it. Both of us fought it. Between his ex and Josh, I figured we would never get anywhere solid. That and I can't even get divorced now until after the baby is born.
What scares me is I have hard pregnancies. I fear that my body might not be able to handle another one. With each pregnancy I went into preterm labor sooner and while I always managed with medical help to keep them in there, what if this time it doesn't work? I have never been scared of delivery, until now. With Ari, they had difficulty stopping the bleeding, what if they can't this time? I already had a threatened miscarriage with moo, which only increases my worries. I know I shouldn't resort to the what if's, but it seems that I can't help it. Every night I dream about losing the baby. I guess I am just waiting for it to become a reality. Hopefully as the weeks pass, I will become more comfortable, but until then....
Why is it that Josh can never accomplish anything on his own? I have to beat him over the head with everything. What makes me more irritated is that he still thinks that he has some right to touch me.
Ok here goes. Most of you are never going to understand this but right now Mike, Josh, and I are all living in the same house. It actually works out really well having him here. It can be awkward at times, but for the most part we all get along really well. Josh and Mike seem to be in their own little world of computers and video games. Right now they are planning on setting up some little media hub. Its insane that we have three computers right now that we can all do our own thing on. Although the boys eat up most of the bandwith so my downloads are becoming a thing of the past.
But anyhow, the kids love having Mike here. Josh gets a little jealous sometimes of how they are with Mike, but he has to learn that if he tried harder, he could have that with them as well. The reason the kids love Mike so much is that he can get on their level. He makes sure he does his best at giving them equal attention, he never yells at them, and he always follows thru on his word with them. If Josh could open his eyes and stop wallowing in his self pity, then maybe he could be the kind of man that Mike is.
I love having Mike here. He makes an effective buffer between Josh and I. When he can tell that Josh is pushing me to far by his lack of being able to avoid anything that requires responsibility(he actually got our power shut off the other day because he kept forgetting to pay the bill), he steps in and calms me down. He has created a balance in me like nobody else has. Where I rely on my emotions to drive me, he relies on his logic. It makes for an interesting combination.
He is so excited about having the baby. Its funny, we never wanted to be together as more then friends. Not to say that there was never sexual tension, but he if for the most part trying to be a good Christian man, and a married woman like myself doesn't fit into that picture. But we moved on and found something deep and special. I don't care if people don't agree how we became to be, or that we are having a baby, we are meant to be.
In the mean time, he has been picking out what cribs he likes, dragged me to go window shopping at babies r us, and constantly nags me about eating right and getting exercise so that we are both healthy. Oh, and I can't forget he has told the baby several times already that it shall be born with a penis. He is going to be such a great father. I can already see it by the way he is with my kids. I really don't deserve him......
Other than sheer exhaustion, the pregnancy is going well right now. I'm about to rip my dang boobs off though.
Now to go off on something completely different. You know what irritates the hell out of me? How Josh is meeting all these girls off the net, and how great they think he is, and hes an ever loving a**hole. He's got them going on how this is all my fault and I left him for another man and wah wah wah. So it was ok for him to cheat on me for eight years straight? It was ok for him to have an affair in Germany and only end it just because he was getting sent back to the states? It just frustrates me because I TRIED to be a good wife.
I am not saying that I was perfect. I can be a down right b**** when I want to be. Those that know me best, know that I am not lying. But I never deserved to be treated the way he treated me and worst of all the kids never deserved how he treated them. The only one he wanted anything to do with at all was Ari. The only attention he gave the boys was to yell at them or punish them, and it hasn't improved much.
Over the past eight years he has left me to care for our kids while he goes out and spends all the money. I don't know how many times when he was deployed I had to borrow money from either my family or his because he had spent it all on either useless garbage, taking a woman to Belgium and Berlin, or whatever else the hell he did with it. And he is still the same way now. Mike had to pay our power bill(this was before he was staying with us) because Josh just didn't pay it.
The worst thing I can't even get into because honestly its not anyones business. But what he did caused me to have a mental breakdown. I couldn't even take care of myself for a while let alone my kids. Thankfully Mike let us stay in his tiny studio so he could help me(and lets be honest, keep an eye on my mental status), and one of my friends stayed with me to help me when I as at home. Yet still I stood by him as the father of my children, stuck up for him, and lost some of my friends over it. I still don't know why. After all these years you would think that I would finally be tired of his crap and just write him off.
At least this time his family knows whats going on and knows that none of it was my doing. Heck his own mom had been telling me to leave him for three years now. But all these girls think he is such a great guy.
The night he came back from Iraq, I told him I would be there to pick him up. I wanted to surprise him by bringing the kids along as I had told him that since it was going to be so late, I thought it would be best if they stayed home. Those kids were so excited. I should have known that since he never bothered to look for us that something was up. Sure enough he had some girl he met on the net meet him there and was spending all his time looking for her once the ceremony ended. I found him and brought him the kids then took off as my best friends was bawling because her ex was to busy hanging on his barracks hoe to visit his kids. I ended up making my way back to Josh to see some woman standing off to the side just watching Josh with the kids. I finally went up and said who I was and asked her who she was. She told me her name, then I realized what was going on. I thanked her for showing up to offer him a ride but told her that since his family was there and his kids hadn't seen him in 6 months, that she needed to leave. When she got in my face I backed off because between being in a room full of MP's and my children, I was not going to give into the urge to pound her face in. And all the while Josh just stood there. Finally after I realized he wasn't going to tell her to leave I told him he could F*** himself(at this point my friend had taken the kids out for me) and find some place else to stay since some ***** was more important then his children.
Later I got into his email(hell its the only way I ever found out he was cheating on me) and found out he apologized for me that night. Not only that the thing he was talking to said that I seemed like the type of woman who would use our kids against him. EXCUSE ME?????
I'm sorry but it has been me that has been raising these children since birth, not him. Its been me who has taken care of them when they were sick, bandaged their wounds, and made sure they were provided for when their father decided he had better things to do with his money then make sure his children were provided for. I sent out a mass email to all the little girls that he was making love confessions to, and busted him out. Because not only was he telling three different women that he loved them, he was also begging me to take him back.
I guess it really shouldn't bother me what he is telling people about me, but I am so tired of always being the bad one when all I tried to do was make it work. I finally gave up after the last time I found out he cheated on me. Yet thru all this, he refused to divorce me. That I will never understand. So yes, I will own my part. I cheated on him, and not just once. I was so tired of feeling unloved, unwanted, and I just wanted to really feel again. And yes, I know that how I felt doesn't excuse my actions. But I will never regret starting this relationship with Mike. He is the best thing that has happened to me and my children in a long time. It's sad that they love him more then their own father, but that's Josh's fault. I tried to tell him that Chandler would say he doesn't have a dad, or both boys saying that he doesn't love them or want them, that he is mean. Ethan and Chandler both asked me if they could have Mike as a daddy instead. Ethan also asked me why I couldn't have met and married Mike first. I'm getting tired of defending their father to them when I myself can't stand him and have the same thoughts.
And again, Josh is on my crap list. I got on his myspace to get pics of the kids and saw that there were comments on a picture he had up of us. One girl said that I didn't derserve him and he needed to hurry up and get rid of me. Excuse me? I had already gotten rid of him. You know what, she is right tho. I don't deserve him, I deserve better. I sent her a nice little message but so far she is to chicken to reply.
Meanwhile I am so worn out and run down. Mike has worked all week, yet he still manages to help me out. Josh hasn't done crap. I have been busting my butt keeping this house picked up and cleaned and all he did was put a load of dishes in the dishwasher and wipe off the rest of the counter. My whole body hurts. I can barely walk up the stairs. I really need to be able to get more rest then I am actually getting. He should actually know this because since half way thru my pregnancy with Chandler, I have been labled as high risk. Other than a sore body and sore boobs, the pregnancy seems to be going well.
I am dizzy, fuzzy headed, and seeing spots and flashes of light in my vision. Right now I am online crying to my sister in law that I want to come home. I want my daddy.
After talking to my sister in law, I feel better. She told me to talk to my grandpa. Apparently he misses the kids and I( I have always been one of his favs out of his 20 something grandkids), and she thinks that he will pay for us to come home. My idea was he once told my mom if I ever wanted her to come get me she could drive their motorhome out because I could fit a lot of the stuff that we have in it. That way I wouldn't be waiting on much to get sent out there when I get back.
Her and my brother want to come out here now and beat the hell out of Josh and then drag Mike back with me. I understand Mike not wanting to move. He moved for his first wife, and he moved for his ex fiance. While I do understand that he wouldn't want to move for me, I told him lastnight that I am asking not for myself but for our child. If that isn't enough, then I guess he isn't the man I thought he was anyway. I am willing to give him custody(and get your panties out of a bunch) because all he has ever wanted was a child. I can't punish him for the mistakes I have made with Josh. I refuse to punish him for the fact that I can no longer stand to be around this man.
He wants nothing to do with his children. He spends all his time on his laptop talking to girls on Okcupid and Hot or not. He has them all convinced that I am some evil horrible person and a bad mother. I have put up with to much for him and so have my children to deserve to be treated like the bad one. I will no longer stick up or defend him soley for being the father of my children. To me he is just a sperm donor. He cares more about women on the net then his own children. He actually takes his laptop to bed with him. I hid the power cord today. He wont get it back until he decides his children are worth being around.
Took some belly pics last night. They aren't the greatest, but man am I huge. 12 weeks and I look like a cow. MOOOO LOL
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Posted this on my birth board, just a gripe:
Does life really have to be that stressful right now? Between being a sahm to three little kiddos, being pregnant and constantly fearing about preterm labor, is hard enough. Now to top it all off, my ex is being a complete moron. He has decided that finding happiness with a woman is more important then his kids. I have been sucking it up and staying in the same house as him just so he could spend time with his kids since he was only going to be here for less than a year. He got back from Iraq in the middle of January and is leaving for Korea for a year in November. He made a big deal about wanting to spend time with the kids, and hasn't done crap with them except for maybe two times. He mostly texts girls on his phone and sits on his laptop on hotornot.com. He actually answered his cell while he was putting them to bed last week, which I think is rude. Even if he did tell her he would have to call her back. Isn't she adult enough to know that he might not pick up the phone because OMG, he has kids?! My kids are constantly asking me why all he does is sleep, be on his phone, or his laptop. And I am the super B because I bring it up to him. He decided to move out, and told the kids it was because we couldn't get along(when truthfully its so he can talk to women and date without me telling him that his kids should be the priority right now), and now they kept asking me why I wanted daddy to leave. He wrecked our van on fourth of July weekend(he has been in four accidents in four months), and when I woke up and saw the car wasn't there, he wouldn't tell me what happened. I asked him where the car was, he replied not here(no crap). Ok, so where is it. Then he proceeded to make it a game. Its in a lot, in a lot in (city), and on and on. Finally he told me he got in accident and the car was at a tow yard and it wasn't drivable. Was it really that fricken hard to say so in the first place? Instead of calling us to ask what we wanted from the car or bringing anything we had in the car, he grabbed the carseat(which what the heck are we going to do with them?), and his things. Then stayed out until 5 am with some girl. He said he went for coffee to think about what he was going to do. When I asked him what he came up with, he had nothing to say. Not that I care if he goes out and has sex because we are obviously not together, but be a man, don't lie about it.
So to make matters worse, Mike(my bf) and I had planned on going to the store to buy groceries that day. Since buses don't run on the weekends by our house, we (along with my oldest) walked 2.5 miles to the store and 2.5 miles back just to get food. You would think since he was the *** that wrecked the vehicle he would have offered to go get his children food. Nope, he left it up to my bf(who takes better care and has more concern for my kids), a pregnant woman, and his 7 year old son. He threw a fit when I asked him to walk to the gas station on the corner to get some milk. He had also been working a second job which he told others it was for his kids, when really it was to pay his lawyer for some deep doo doo trouble that he got in. All of a sudden the one night he didn't have to work at his second job, he suddenly had to work late on base. I called him to ask him to bring milk home, and he informed me he wasn't coming home because he had to work late. Then I called him back later because I found out that my stepdad is on life support back home and I was wondering if the emergency flights that the service does would cover me so I could go back home, and he totally acted all sweet and sympathetic. He came home later to supposedly get some things, I asked him who gave him a ride, and he told me a guy from work, but that he wouldn't give him a ride back after work since it would be so late. I look out the window, and see a girl sitting in a car across the street. I don't know how stupid he thinks I am, but it was pretty easy to put it together. He told me that she was just giving him a ride and that he was f*in working. I told him he was F*in something, but it sure as hell wasn't working. If he wanted to go out, again, fine. But what an *** to come home and try and hug on me, lie to me, and then still not even give a damn to bring his kids some milk. She took him to get his check so why couldn't she run his butt by the store? And it would have been a bit nice to have his help with the kids, since I was upset and constantly crying about my stepdad. So anyway, he was supposed to leave Friday, and didn't leave until Sunday. When he did, he took the kids down to the park and didn't tell them he was leaving until his ride showed up. He then left our children down there alone while he came back. Sad thing was, he couldn't even pack his own crap, I did it for him, and what I didn't pack, he just left. He barely fit anytime with the kids in during the weekend as he didn't even get out of bed until 3pm that afternoon.
So with no car, and no way to get around, I can't even go to my doctors appointments because I am not forcing the kids to walk a half mile to the stop that runs during the weekday and then a mile to get to my doctors from the other stop. My stepdad continues to be a mystery as he goes back and forth from making some progress to completely regressing. Sunday they told my mom he was brain dead and wanted her to take him off life support, and it's a good thing she took time to think about it because Tuesday, he could squeeze your hand and blink to answer yes or no. He still has a lot of swelling in his brain and some bleeding in his stomach, but they wont run more tests to check his brain activity because when they do, his blood pressure spikes into the 200's. Apparently he slipped into a diabetic coma after his blood sugar got over 1,000. Its really hard because I am not there for him or my mom. My grandparents will loan me the money to come home, but I want to wait until I have to, because honestly, I dread leaving the kids with him. Mike offered to take the time off work, but I want him to save it because he wants to take leave when the baby is born. So if I pop off again, its probably because I am in MI.
Through all of this, we haven't been able to get anything for Tristen or the 4d u/s because all of our money goes to the kids and the house. Josh pays rent, and acts like he is god, even though the Army gives him money specifically for that purpose. He tried to leave without giving us any money, which is bs because he was eating the food we pay for, using the toilet paper we pay for, etc. He got paid $460, we agreed on $150, and he only gave me $100. What the hell does he need $460 for just himself? He gets paid again in two days. So while we are barely getting by, he gets to live it up. It just pisses me off. Oh and I am supposed to feel sorry for him because he dropped the ball on getting his money together for his lawyer, so if he doesn't have it by Wednesday, his lawyer is going to stop representing him. Honestly, if it wasn't for the fact that he would get discharged from the Army, I would be happy if he went to jail. Maybe then he would stop being a useless piece of poop. But the only way I know he is going to help financially with the kids, is if he keeps his enlistment.
I think the thing that hurts the most is I feel like I failed my kids. I had them with a man who couldn't give two ****s about them unless its to put on a show and act like a martyr. Oh look at me support my kids when my wife cheated on me. Look at me work a second job for them. They aren't anything more to him but badges he pulls out when he wants to look like a man. And they deserve better than that. And I am afraid my boys will grow up to treat women like he does. He sleeps around with women while telling them he loves them. Women are just another man badge for him. But I'm the idiot that stayed with him and had three kids with him.
Sorry this is so long, and if you made it through it, thanks.
20 week u/s photos:
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